I needed this

I needed cushings.
what?
I did. I needed to get sick. I needed this brain tumor. I needed it, like I needed a hole in the head. haha. yes, pun intended.

Prior to hearing, 'this could kill you, if you don't have the surgery' (which I heard 2 years ago, 2 days from now) I was on a path of self-destruction. I was in a horrible relationship that, let's face it, you all know it, wasn't going anywhere. When it began, there was love and romance and fun. When it ended? It was just... there. Something. Alcohol. Sex. A person who looked good in pictures with me. Someone who'd do things I wanted to do. He'd go to six flags, dorney park, the bar, dancing, drink, the movies, do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Was he there for me? no. did he suck at life? yup. But, I loved his family. I loved his religion. I met some wonderful people through him, had some amazing adventures but... I stopped caring about myself, put him before me, his family before me and my own. Didn't care who I hurt.

I was drinking. Alot. Hell, I was doing that before I met him. College, I drank through college. Drank through Rob. He was awful, too. I let him control me. I started to lose who I was. I didn't like who I was becoming. I tried to drown myself when I was with him. I let him beat me. I learned to hit back, though. Almost broke his nose. You should've seen the amount of blood on the kitchen floor of our first apartment... I don't know why I stayed... I think I had a point to prove. That I could change him? That I could fix things? That I could make it work? That he wasn't a monster? I don't know... But I got out.

My job... *sigh* I loved where I worked but... they were awful. You were. and if you're reading this, know you broke me. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME. so thank you for that. for showing me that i was replaceable and that, well, i didn't matter there. I used to go to work with a smile on my face. I LOVED going in knowing I was going to change the world. Hell, I AM changing the world. I have references. But... I let the girls I worked with, my 'friends' tell me different. I let their words make me feel less than a person. I only almost died... so why not? Why not feel like I would be better off dead, right?

I was dating bad people. Drinking alot. Making poor life decisions. I was becoming cold hearted. I was turning into an ice queen. Fuck love. Yes, Anthony was horrible to me, but... it went both ways. Betcha didn't know that, didja? I was a BITCH to him some days. Did he deserve it? of course. but not all the time. Did my job taint me? you betcha! I started to believe that there was NO good in the world. that all people were bad. that love didn't exist. why the hell should i believe that people were good when my coworkers turned against me when i would have gone above and beyond for them? oh wait, i did. even while i was in the hospital, i was still trying to cheer them up. i did that for 'friends' too...

Speaking of 'friends'... I was spending time with the wrong people, I'm afraid. I was holding onto relationships with people, who... well... didn't really give a rats behind about me. I was the one making the effort with people. I was the one making the calls, sending the text messages, trying to maintain friendships, even while I was in the hospital, or out, after surgery 1, 2 and 3... and now... where are they now? I don't see them. Don't hear from them... I was trying to hold onto things that weren't there, weren't real. Things that were figments of my imagination I suppose... People who wanted to be around me when it was beneficial for them, when it was convenient for them... but this convenience store is closed.

And money... did I know how to SPEND SPEND SPEND!!! I have a nice wardrobe, jewelry collection... My motto... I'd rather be poor and pretty than rich and ugly! I worked two jobs because I had an expensive lifestyle. But... you can't take your money with you when you die, so you might as well enjoy it now, right?

Drama... oh boy! Did I feed into drama! I used to say, save the drama for your mama, but I loved listening to it. being a part of it. hell, it was like high school all over again! I loved it. My life was like a freaking soap opera, anyone who's been around me knows that. Or, if you had drama, you came to me with your issues asking my advice...

I needed to 'fall in love' with douchebags to see what I DON'T want. Chris? yeah. he's gay. I was his 'beard'. And for those of you who don't know what that is, I was his cover until he could come to terms with his sexuality. And I needed to feel like someone could love a sick girl. When he proposed, my instinct was to say no, but I said, sure. I didn't say YES. I didn't cry. Didn't jump for joy. I said, sure. Inside, I was saying no. But, there was me people pleasing because I didn't want to let people down.

I was also kind of vain, too... But, I think that came from feeling so ugly growing up. Being picked on as much as I was. And then I was ripped to shreds again and had no self-esteem because I was with the boys who liked to tear me apart, so in turn, I ripped them apart. I started to tear people down. You make me feel like shit, rest assured, what goes around comes around and I WILL point out your flaws just as sure as your pointing out mine.

and mean. bitch much? yes. i could tear your EYES out with my claws aka my words. hot DAMN! i was terrible. not always intentional. but i would go toe-to-toe with you. id love to engage in an argument, especially if i felt i was being attacked... my words are my weapons...

I needed cushings. I needed to get sick to get me off of my path of self-destruction. This journey that I'm on is teaching me to love myself again. To get to know myself. To be happy with myself. I don't need alcohol to escape my problems, to escape reality, to deal with life. I need to deal with them head on. So that's what I'm doing.
Sex isn't a good coping skill either, unless you're in a MEANINGFUL relationship... even then, I don't know that it's the best idea. You can't use people either. Not such a brilliant idea...

When your soul has turned ugly, you feel ugly...

I needed to get sick. I needed a wake up call. This wasn't a punishment. But it's what I needed to turn my life around.

I'm not sad about what happened anymore. Do I have bad days? of course. who doesn't? Do I randomly have crying spells? Yes, yes I do. I also have a disease where I have no hormones. But, I'm not sad. Please believe me. This isn't an act. at all. I'm happy. I am. What reason do I have to be sad? I've let it all go, I really have.

I'm not angry either. I'm not mad at the doctor for making me blind. I'm not mad at the people who've let me down. I'm not mad at Anthony or Chris. When I hear their names, do you know what I feel? NOTHING. Not anger, not sadness, I don't miss them... I feel NOTHING. I don't wish ill on anyone.

Some say I sit around questioning why all this happened to me, I don't. I needed a wake up call, and that's what I got. I'm moving on and I'm healing. And that's that.

I don't deal with negativity, or fighting, or arguing or bad situations. Not because of my disease, but because I don't want to. Blame it on my disease if you want, say I can't handle the stress. That's fine. But, I CHOOSE NOT TO engage it that kind of behavior. I CHOOSE NOT to allow it to influence me. I CHOOSE to rise above and stay calm. So yes, blame it on the cushings, because it's taught me patience and how to remain calm in a stressful, painful situation. I'm staying away from the drama.

I'm not going to use hurtful words anymore. Or at least I'm trying not to. Everyone slips up, I'm not a saint, we all sin. It's going to happen, but I'm going to try. I want to live a life that's filled with peace, serenity, happiness. One filled with strength, courage and love. Not hate, negativity and stress.

I needed to get sick to get away from my job. CYS is stressful, and angry and bitter and mean and awful. I was crying before I got sick. They questioned my headaches. After my first surgery they made me feel like garbage coming back. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Did I change lives? yes. Am I going to continue to change lives? Yes. But I will not be made to feel like I'm anything less than extraordinary. I won't be made to feel like I don't matter. I will not dread my job. I will love it. Who knows? Maybe I'm destined to be a makeup artist. Or angel readings. Or both. Or party planning. Or a personal shopper. Or retail. Or opening a nail salon. Who knows. Or maybe I will go back to school and get a degree in psychology. I don't know, but I'll still change lives and won't feel awful about it, that's for damn sure.

I needed to get sick to realize my self worth. I am beautiful. I am a amazing. I am funny. I am strong. I am courageous. I am inspirational. I am a hero. I don't need to be any of those things for anyone BUT MYSELF. I can overcome anything that stands in my way. WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. Not for you, but for me. I have a beautiful life ahead of me, and I needed to get sick to realize that. There is no time limit, no time frame, no certain life that I'm supposed to live. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of myself. I'm free to be me, and it's about time I start being true to myself.

I needed to get sick to see who matters and who doesn't. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. Getting sick helped me to weed out the people who weren't really my friends at all. The people who were only around because I could do something for them, and then left me high and dry when I needed them. The people who took and took from me... but that's ok. They're gone now, and I'm ok. Really, I'm ok. And the people who are by my side... are incredible. And I don't think I could ask for a better support system.

I needed to get sick to prioritize my spending habits. I REALLY learned how to stretch my money! And I'll be stretching it even more now that they cut assistance! hot dayum! There are more important things in life than material possessions. I always knew that, but... I've been forced to really stop and smell the roses. Even though I always liked to find free things to do, because, well, like my grandfather, I was cheap and would rather lay out in a field watching the clouds roll by than spend money :) I think using your imagination is more fun. But, by not having money, it helped me find out who my friends were too... how? well... real friends don't care if your bank account is $0. they'll either 1. take you with them anyway, or 2. lay in the field with you :)

see? I needed to get sick. It put me back on the right track. And I'm ok with being sick. I really am. Yes, I'm going to have my bad days, but I'm at peace with it. Trust me on that one. And maybe... just maybe, you needed me to get sick, too. No, I'm not saying that you WANTED me to get sick. I'm saying, maybe you needed to see my struggle, watch me climb out of the shadows, watch me fight this, to see that you don't have it that bad at all. Take a looking glass to your own life and say, hmm... what can I do to better my life today?


As for the loss of sight thing, I'm still not 100% about why that happened, but... I still only see 1/2 the ugly in the world :)  But... I do think that losing my sight has raised my spiritual awareness and my third eye :) if you don't know what that is, look it up. I'm tired.

But really, I am happy. And I'm blessed.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Or that I'm faking. Because I'm not. And don't say I don't know what I'm talking about. You don't live with me. You're not living my life. You're not me. You don't have this disease. All the research in the world doesn't make you an expert. So please, stop.

oh, and if I hadn't gotten sick... I wouldn't have met the Cushing's Support Group I have on facebook, which led me to Maya and Stevie- and they're two of the most incredible women I've ever met. And then I wouldn't have my Jason, whom I adore. Those three? My hearts <3

And then there's also my restored faith in the medical community. I have an amazing team of doctors working for and with me. I've learned to advocate for myself, and to not settle for answers that I don't agree with. YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE. always question, get second opinions, hell, get third and fourth opinions if you're not satisfied. it's just what needs to be done.

if i hadn't gotten sick, i wouldn't have met hanson, and that alone was well worth it ;) a kiss on the cheek from taylor, and him whispering in my ear, im glad you're alive? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OH HELLZ YES!!

and then, there's the beautiful 'Nicole's Song' that was written by Lissa Khranke <3 that melts my heart every time I hear it.

like I said... I needed it to get sick. So Cushings? Thank you. For the life lessons you're teaching me, every day.

like shattered glass

and so it was...

looking at myself this morning... just wanted to break the mirror. just take a rock and smash it so i didn't have to look at myself. the saddle bags. the bulge. the tiger stripes. the grossness that cushings has so graciously given me.

as of late it's been : mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the fairest in the land? why you, cushie queen!

and today? mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? not you. are you serious?! look at yourself you dumb fuck.

THAT is how my day started out. id like to say it got better, and that i felt better... but the jury's still out on that one.

im in less pain than i was yesterday, which is kinda nice. not kinda, IS nice. is VERY nice. id like to be in LESS LESS pain so i can start walking. or riding the stationary bike so i can start moving and feel more better. yeah, i know. that didnt come out right. arrest me grammar police. please. im very much looking forward to doing SOMETHING.

the doctor gave me morphine yesterday. bless her heart :) no, im not a drug addict. it was nice to finally have something to take away my pain without making me loopy, dizzy, pukey, bitchy, itchy and mean.... i was sleepy and pain free... and thats it. and it was wonderful. i know i need at least 14-16 hours of rest on that shit though. hot damn. i almost fell asleep driving home from the CAO office today... which blew bc that meant no mana time... *sigh* next week...

speaking of CAO... yeah. that lovely letter they sent me yesterday... 'sorry, we sent that in error. the general assistance stopping hasn't been signed yet, so if it isn't signed before you're due your money, you will still get it'. really? REALLY?! are you effing for real?! smdh. let's get it together pennsylvania! the cw i spoke to said that i was smart to come in the afternoon because of how many people were there this morning. i can only imagine how many pissed off people were there... you lose your assistance unless you're knocked up or have kids. i feel bad for the old people who can't do anything about it. i get that it's to stop the douches who're abusing the system, because lord knows there's a shitton of em... i just pray that the people who NEED the assistance can appeal it or find a loophole or something. or that there's an advocate out there for them, or that there's someone who can help them. ive been blessed in that i have an incredible family and good friends who take care of me. people who want to help me. who don't see my being sick as a burden or a hardship. no matter how bad things get, how low i feel, how angry or sad i get... im blessed and i know that. and i always know that, even if it doesnt seem like i do... i know that. and i appreciate it, all of it.

my lovely wife even told me she wants to take care of my sushi and nail needs. shes wacky. i told her, just spend time with me. even though... i may allow her to buy me some raw fish. i do like raw fish...

and i just got so wrapped up in something else i dont remember... oh yeah.

cushings. shattered glass... right.

sometimes i think were like humpty dumpty. us cushies. we fell off the wall. were cracked. and idk if we can be put back together again. but i guess thats ok. because i guess i wanna be something new, right? something better? like a butterfly... i once was a catterpillar...

sickness does not equal laziness!

its been awhile since ive ranted... so im overdue... ready? goooooo!!!!!!

I AM SICK NOT LAZY! SICK NOT LAZY... SICK NOT LAZY!

are you hearing me yet? really? are you sure? let me try again...

SICK NOT LAZY. SICK NOT LAZY. SICK NOT LAZY. 

one more time.

SICK NOT LAZY! SICK NOT LAZY! SICK NOT LAZY!!!

ok. so, now that i've got your attention...

i would love to go running with you.. oh wait no... no i wouldn't. not at all. 

i would love to go hiking with you. yes, that i would enjoy. well go with that one. that's more my thing. and walking. id love to walking. or hiking. or dancing. id love love LOVE to go dancing. mmhmm. just dance the night away, be it under the stars, or in the club or the beach... ooo the beach... yes... that. how i miss the beach... just running through the waves, laying under the hot sun and sweating... walking away with raccoon eyes and beautifully sunkissed skin... *sigh* but that's not happening anytime soon. why? oh right. because i cant handle too much sunshine because it makes me SICK. i get pukey and headachey and dizzy and then i have to lay in air conditioning and dark and quiet because i cant handle much after that...

and what else... and i would so love to go to an AMUSEMENT park with you... ride the rides, feel my stomach in my throat... but i cant do that either. i mean, i can, ive been semi cleared, but my body cant handle that either. not too much. i can do a roller coaster or two but... i cant do too much walking... or too much sun. and youd have to be willing to walk slow with me. but what fun is that? who wants to walk slow?

oh, and did i mention... IM BROKE?! i kinda think some of you forget that... I HAVE NO MONEY!!!! sure, ive been living off a teensy bit of money from the state. ive been penny-pinching and making it stretch and saving for when i really wanna do something... but that ends... TODAY. why? oh right. i got that wonderful letter stating that, "you no longer qualify because the state is ending general assistance unless you have children or are pregnant". therefore... im stuck. so... as if being home wasnt bad enough bc i cant really afford to go anywhere as it is...

*sigh* at least its summer, and i have a pool... and, well... i do have some pretty awesome friends who come and spend time with me at my house. or at the doctors. or i go there. and we just do nothing. which is nice. but man oh man... not having money... kinda shows you alot...

this is just fucking ridiculous!

oh, and yeah. i know. cant isnt in my vocabulary or whatever. but guess what... IT IS! and that's ok. because i have limitations now, and i am accepting that. and you should too. 

just because there are things im not doing, or because im home watching tv, or im sleeping or not talking or whatever, it doesnt mean im fucking lazy dumbass. im sick. and if you choose not to see that, jump off a cliff without a parachute, k? :)

so i talk to animals...

so what?

everyone talks to their pets, but thats not what im referring to. this week has been a rough one for me. emotionally, and a bit physically. 

everyone talks about pennies from heaven. ya know, ya find one and it's an angel, yadda yadda yadda. my mom always says it's my grandpa. and im not knockin her, it's definately him. i totally believe her. hell, i've seen him around. he lingers. and it's cool. he comes around when we need him. but, im also a believer in the animals comin around. 

i know my animal totem (native american zodiac spirit) is the raven. which is quite fitting. ive done the research. and my boy jasons is the wolf, and which is even cooler bc they walk together, and we both are fighting cushings together, which just brought us even closer.

the raven is a symbol of courage, which, i am. maybe that sounds self-centered but whatever. its me. i have courage. i have to. it's what i do. so, bite me. it's also a symbol of self-knowledge, divination, MAGIC, change, TRUTH, messages, answers... all things that i use to define myself, so it's fitting. The message the raven brings is of difficult change, one that ive been dealing with since this whole cushings escapade. "it is through overcoming obstacles that we grow the most". again... very fitting. screw it. im just gonna copy and paste the damn thing and you can read it and then see how well it relates to my life.
i saw a raven while i was in meltdown mode the other day. just made me cry even harder... but it was nice just the same.

but before we go there:

so, my aunt ronna, my chell and jennifers mom, passed away last may. she loved butterflies. monarchs to be precise. the saying goes, if a butterfly lands on your shoulder, it's good luck. well, i didn't have a butterfly land on my shoulder, but i did have one land on my foot, twice, this week. thanks for saying hello!

today i saw a cardinal, while driving with my wifey. that was my grandma. she loved cardinals. i think it's kinda cool that i went to PMHS bc our mascot was a cardinal... kinda like she was with us every single day. not like shes not with us all the time anyway, but... you know what i mean, right? i always see cardinals on days im not feeling good, and today was no different. im glad christine came to see me, i just hate that i was so sick... but shes such a wonderful friend that it didnt bother her. she just wanted to spend time with me. that's how you know you have real friends. they dont care how sick you are, just as long as you're together :)

i had a lot more i wanted to write but... of course... that whole brain surgery thing has a way of messin with me... <3 stay beautifully blessed 

raven thing:

Many birds are seen as messengers between heaven and earth, and the raven totem no exception. In addition to carrying messages back and forth from a higher plane, raven spirits also bring meaning from a darker place, within. If a raven guide has appeared in your life and spoken to you, turn your focus inward, it is time for a change. Though as people, we often fear change, the changes raven totems bring are often meaningful and revelatory. The message of change is often difficult, but it is through overcoming obstacles and difficulties that we grow the most. Instead of becoming fearful or uncomfortable when confronted with the challenge, instead anticipate the end result. Ravens are incredibly perceptive; meaning, that if you’ve fallen under the scrutiny of this bird, that which needs to be changed should be revealed. If you’re having difficulty realizing what should change, then change the way you’re looking at yourself or a problem.
Ravens are also considered powerful teachers of the mysteries, or magic. Consider the truth and inner wisdom we each hold within. Just as a raven spirit can mimic the calls of many birds and animals so can you learn to understand the meaning buried in the symbols and messages that surround us. Raven totems teach magic, or reveals the magic within, not hocus pocus magic, but how the energy of your will can be used to shape and create the environment around you. This ties into the message of change, not only can you change internally, but you can change the external. Again, people often dread the raven guide and his message because developing strong willpower, changing, or exercising your intention, takes dedication and persistence.

Raven Considerations:

While many people say that no evil or malevolent creatures were created, the raven spirit has accumulated a wealth of different meanings, many of them not so good. They are commonly associated with bringing bad omens, tidings of death, sorrow, and destruction. A great deal of ancient symbolism associated with this bird is positive, but it is still important to consider that the collective thoughts or feelings of a person or society do create some truth or meaning. So if everyone believes that the Raven totem is a bad omen, in some sense it transforms into one. It is up to you when seeing or encountering a raven spirit, to perceive the feeling and circumstance of the experience.
Raven guide flies to us with the message of heightened perception and greater awareness of our conscious and subconscious minds. Just as a raven is often a silent observer, you may wish to observe your environment, the people in it, and your own behavior. Your behavior is motivated by a deep and complex tapestry woven over the expanse of your entire lifetime. The Raven totem is a gatekeeper of knowledge, a keeper of secrets, and a protector of truth. An interesting note about this protection is that the raven guide often protects us from difficult truths, or inner demons. When the Raven totem is faced with a challenge it will persist, it will approach the problem from many angles, it will use tools, all just to get to that juicy morsel at the center of the problem. Don’t expect change to come overnight, face your own inner challenges, it takes time to untangle the knots you’ve spent years making. The knots are like blocks, untangle them, follow the threads, and great inner truths will be revealed.
Consider the raven spirit’s consumption of carrion, or dead animals, this is a message that within death is life. When changing, do not simply cast off your old self, but consume and incorporate those parts which give you strength. Learn from your mistakes, and the mistakes of others, and give new wings to thoughts and behaviors that were previously stopped from taking flight.
Ravens are not easily intimidated by other birds, they are persistent, monogamous, intelligent, foresighted (they store or cache food for the future), problem solvers, tool users, and opportunistic.

Raven in Dreams:

If you’ve had a dream about a raven spirit its meaning is likely that big changes are coming your way or it may symbolize an end to a phase or habit in your life.
As ravens eat carrion, or will steal food from others, seeing one in a dream may symbolize or mean that someone is taking advantage of your misfortune.
Raven totem is a guardian or keeper of our fears, to see one in a dream can be seen as a message to examine these fears. Raven will guide you in revealing these inner secrets and to see your demons for what they are.

Raven Cultural Symbolism:

Middle Eastern- The raven is often considered an unclean animal, this is due to its consumption of carrion.
Biblical- Similar to the above, ravens are forbidden food in bible. Ravens are shamed when Noah sends one to search for land and it fails to return. A positive note for ravens in the bible, comes when a raven feeds the prophet Elijah when he is in hiding from King Ahab.
Nordic- The one eyed god Odin had two ravens as messengers, they were named thought and memory.
Native American- Many Native American tribes honor the raven for bringing light to mankind, there are also many stories of them being tricksters, and seekers of truth.
Chinese- In Chinese myth ravens represented the sun and its cycles.
Egyptians- Ravens were seen as harbingers of destruction and battle.
Greek- The god Apollo had a raven as a messenger
Celtic- Ravens were symbols of battle and destruction, but also of difficult change.

http://alltotems.com/raven-meaning-symbols-spirit-and-totem/

that's where i got it from. and it all relates to my life, extremely well. as for jason, he's the wolf. there are stories where the wolf and the raven go in to battle together, where the raven looks out for the wolf and vice versa. which is what we do. we take care of one another. even though we've never met, he's still one of the most wonderful, courageous and strongest people i know. im really blessed to have him in my life. its nice to be able to talk to someone who GETS IT. and who gets me. and how im feeling and what im goin through. I LOVE YA COWBOY! 

im gonna hit you in 3..2..

let me get out my stick and beat you with it, please.

no seriously. i have a stick. a few of them. and if you know me, you know im serious.

i have my green walking stick, which was my dads, that i was using to help me get around after surgery. it was a step down from my walker. i also have a black 4 prong cane. and then my red/white tipped blind girl cane. but im not referring to those.

no, no. im referring to my PRETTY STICK. but you should already have one of those.

what do you mean, you don't? yes, you do. don't argue with me. i've seen it. and i promise, when i point out the obvious, ill be beating you with it, so get ready, k?    :)


you do realize that you're absolutely stunning right? and it doesn't matter if you're skin and bones or chubby? whether you're black as night or white as snow? you could have blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, gold eyes, two eyes, four eyes, one eye, no eyes... blonde hair, brown hair, red hair, no hair... you can have abs or flab... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

can't you see that?

the only thing that's making you ugly... is YOU. that's right. I SAID IT. you're allowing people to talk down to you. you're allowing negative people and negative thoughts to rent space in your head. STOP IT. raise the rent. evict them. take the trash out. YOU DESERVE MORE!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

you know what else can be making you feel ugly? the way you're treating people. stop being mean. stop treating others like garbage. when you're mean to people, when  you bully others, when you are SELFISH instead of SELFLESS... you're creating an ugly soul... which brings outward ugly. and no one wants that. when you're beautiful inside, it makes you more beautiful and appealing outside.

stop comparing yourself to others. why would you want to be like everyone else? God created you just the way you are! there's no reason to follow the crowd. BE YOURSELF! be free! be creative! be fun. laugh. enjoy who YOU are. love YOU. be proud of YOU. look at all of the wonderfulness that YOU are. and let others love YOU, too.

so... how much harder to i need to hit you with that pretty stick?

when you believe in magic...

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”
― Roald Dahl

the world is such a beautiful place, isn't it? full of such magic, wonder, beauty, happiness and loveliness... it's so... wonderful! and magical!

i can't explain why i've been so happy lately. maybe because i've decided to continue to look at the world through my rose colored glasses. i enjoy seeing happy things. seeing the light. seeing the good.

i feel... i don't know. like my senses are becoming much more... hmmm... im much muchier! to quote alice in wonderland lol.

my heart feels full. i feel like im discovering more about myself. i'm becoming more 'spiritually aware'. awakened. im listening more intently. some may think im crazy. some laugh at me. but really? they're just closed minded. and to those who want to laugh and jest, they can go right on ahead and do so, but ill continue to be me and to do my thing.

im just happy. and ill leave it at that. because i feel that if i continue to write all that i want to write right now... itll just bring out the negativity in others and i really dont feel like dealing with any of that. im in too much of a good mood.

im still sick though. my physical body is ailing tremendously, but my spiritual body feels amazing!!

you failed.

you failed.

you're a failure

sorry. the surgery didn't work.

you suck.

are you kidding me right now?

is that really your answer?

you're ugly.

you're fat.

you're stupid

you're  slow.

you stutter.

you can't speak properly

you're broke

you're friends don't care

you're a burden

people don't care


how often do we hear these things from other people? scratch that. how often are WE the ones telling ourselves these awful things? we're our own worst enemy. seriously. i'm not perfect. i tell myself some of those things too. i know that's something that i struggle with daily. i'd like to blame it all on cushings, but i can't. it's something that i've struggled with all my life. ive always been too tall, too fat, too open-minded, too opinionated, too loud, too happy, too laughy, i smile too much,  too everything. well... too damn bad. id rather be too happy than too sad. im going to work on continuing to focus on the good parts of me rather than the bad parts. instead of 'failed surgeries' i wanna look at what went right- IM ALIVE. :D id say that's kind of a big deal, wouldnt you?

ive always said that there is a positive with every negative. isn't it about time that YOU start seeing how beautiful YOU really are? the more you see how wonderful you are, the happier you'll be!

while i don't mind listening to people be upset and vent, because, well, we all need someone to listen to us. lord knows i unload on some of you... whether it be through text, email, blog or whatever, when we start to see what we DO have AS WELL as what's wrong... things don't seem as bad. and then the bad seems less and we're less sad.

i'm not saying i'm not sad or angry or that you shouldn't be sad or angry or whatever but... look at the good. look at how great you are. see the wonderfulness that is you, instead of focusing on the 'failures'. in fact, try and erase that word out of your dictionary. it's something i'm going to work on, so why don't we try to do it together? :]