the engagement!

did you hear?

she's engaged!

ohmigosh!

congrats!
let me see the ring!

he's her prince charming!

they broke up?!
are you ok?

what an asshole

what happened?!

and in between, while things were good and there was wedding planning, the amount of people who wanted to be around me was ridiculously insane! everyone wanted to have a part in the planning, in knowing what was going on. everyone had something to say. people i hadn't talked to in ages were commenting... the sick girl fell in love... her prince had come... blah blah blah. 

i fell for it, too. i didn't love him. i wanted to love him, but i didn't. and the sex was terrible. and he's gay. so ya know, that's kind of a deal breaker. 

but anyway... i fell for the people who wanted to be around. apparently a $5000.00 ring meant i was a big deal. that meant that people wanted to spend time with me. but, people should've wanted to spend time with me beforehand because i'm hella awesome! i just didn't realize that. 

and then there was the break-up. and, i being the wonderful person i am, refused to blow his shit up. i still don't. people still don't know all of what happened. unless you're really close to me, you'll never know the full story because it's none of your business. yes, he's gay, but that came out after the break-up. there was... nevermind. anyway, it never would have worked. i didn't love him, he didn't love me. he was abusive, etc. 

but, the people wanting to know, and asking me questions... wowza! and where are said people now? what happened? was i only important because i was engaged? because there was drama? i do believe that was the case. 

because they're ghosts now. 

i hate facebook. i really do. i don't post my personal business like i used to on purpose. there's way too much drama. if i feel the need to get shit out, i'll rant. or i'll blog and post the link. there's a not so friendly/uplifting at the end post up now but... i'm just sick of all the negativity i see. 

people can make changes in their lives and they don't. they'd rather play the victim or sit and cry about it. get the fuck over it. you can make changes in your life and you don't. well, too damn bad. we're responsible for what happens to us, most of the time. is it my fault i went blind? no. but i choose what comes next. i can sit and bitch and moan and whine and cry about it, or i can adapt and change and make positive steps to make things better and that's what i do. do i get annoyed when i trip and stumble and fall? of course. but, this is my life now, and this is what i have to do. i hate when people don't just DO things. stop whining, start doing. don't be lazy. 

lazy. ugh. too often that word gets abused. or misused for us sickies. but then i see people take advantage of the system that we sickies NEED and then we sickies get screwed. like me. i'm losing my health insurance in december because my ssi is gone and my medicaid stopped. medicare doesn't kick in til january and the adult basic program got cut. so because i didn't get knocked up or have a drug addiction, i'm screwed. i can't get sick the month of december, or have a flare up or anything. i'll be walking around in bubble wrap. woohoo. 

i still don't understand why people take their lives for granted. you don't know how good you have it. you woke up didn't you? your heart is beating. yeah, you might be going through a rough time right now, but it's going to get better. and if there is something that YOU can do to make it better, and i'm sure there is, DO IT. even if it's eating a piece of chocolate, or smiling at a stranger, or letting someone get in front of you in line, DO IT. you'd be amazed at what a little bit of kindness can do for your soul...

and another thing. APPRECIATE SOMEONE!!! i said it. i'd like to know i'm appreciated, i really would. i'd like someone to say to me, nicci, i appreciate you. i really do. thank you for being you. it'd be nice to hear. i hear it from danielle, ivory, amanda, my wifey, mama lee... but it would be nice to hear it from someone that i don't hear it every day from. because, i appreciate YOU and i try and let people know how important they are to me, all the time. i don't want my friends and family, the people i care about, to think that they don't matter, because you do. you're important to me and i adore you. i wouldn't tell you that i cared if i didn't. i wouldn't involve myself in your life if i didn't care. i wouldn't argue with you or try to hold onto these relationships if they didn't matter, would i? i'd just let them die off, which is what i've been doing with others...

and now... peeing in jugs. yup. it's that time of year again. i've had to stop my cushings med, which you'd know if you'd been keeping up with my bloggity blog. since i'm losing my insurance i have to do it a month early. i turn in the jugs tomorrow and we see what my levels are and what kind of success radiation has been. that's just a little stressful. 

and then there's foot surgery on tuesday, which my darling danielle is taking me to.

and the insurance stress

and the people stress

and the insomnia

and the cortisol highs and lows

and the dizzy spells

and the cushings sucking ass

and the holiday

and we saw TSO tonight, what an awesome show. 

and the people garbage. 

so yeah. cushings has been kicking my ass. so i'm anxious to see what the peejug is going to reveal. oh, right. what am i talking about? i pee in a jug for 24 hours and that monitors my cortisol levels. my dr will look at the results and see if they're high or low. i've been off the cushings med for almost a month and we'll see what kind of change, if any, there has been. so then we'll see if i need to be put back on it. 

and yes. i am really blind in my right eye. no my brain surgeries were not a joke. i am not kidding when i say i can't see. i really can't. it's not funny. don't joke about it. making cracks on a person with a disability is NEVER funny. how old are we? 5? 

that's another things. kids need to learn respect. oh my. i need to stop or this will just keep going.
i better sleep tonight!!!

be blessed!

shine bright little star.

part of me feels like i need to apologize for me, but i won't.

part of me feels that i should apologize for what happened TO me, but that's not going to happen either.

instead... i'm going to thank you.

and please, don't take credit, because there are some of you who are going to say, i've been around, i've been there for her, and you're a lying piece of shit who needs to jump off it because you went running when things got tough and you're no longer in the picture because there's no longer room for me in your life. and that's fine. you're reading this and you probably are thinking, what is she talking about? i was there. sure, you were. at some point. and that's fine. so thanks. you served your purpose. maybe a season. but seasons change. so make like an autumn leaf and go fly away. your colors changed, you've fallen from my tree. goodbye.

ANYWAY.

this is to those of you who are here. who are now. those of you who haven't left. who have stepped up. who have shared in my heartache. my struggles. my frustrations. you've cried with me. you've sang with me. you've laughed with me. you've sang to me. you've helped me find my joy again. you've helped me find the song in my heart when i thought i had no song left to sing. you didn't leave.

and i thought you did. so many times i had felt like you forgot about me, like you had moved on without me, like i didn't matter. like my tears didn't mean anything. that my struggles meant nothing... but that was never the case, was it? you were always here, weren't you...

if you've been paying attention, any attention at all, you know that i have this little disease called CUSHINGS. and you know that it sucks, it sucks A WHOLE LOT. you know that i put on a brave face and i smile through it the best i can. now, if you've done your research, and by research i mean more than just read my blog you know about what comes with it. in case you haven't, i'll fill you in... this is what i've been dealing with:
- SEVERE mood swings angel-bitch-psycho-crying-angel real fast and not know why
- SEVERE panic attacks
- SEVERE anxiety- to the point where i'll be afraid to leave my house
- night terrors
- 29 and in menopause
- i can't conceive, i can't give birth... that's alot for a young girl to deal with. ALOT.
- confusion
- forgetfulness- who/where i am
- memory loss- who/where you are, what we're doing, what we're supposed to be doing, past events, the past few years
- dizzy spells, nausea, falling into things, stomach issues, MRSA, infections, tumors, sinus junk
- migraines that confine me to bed
- 3 brain surgeries
- balance difficulty
- loss of sight in my right eye
- bone loss, which means my bones are very brittle
- i've shrunk- i'm now 5'11 1/2 and i used to be almost 6'1
- i weighed almost 300lbs and i used to be 185...
- my body went through crazy changes. i hated the way i look. some days i still do.
- a moon face.
- easy brusing
- scared that i'm going to die. because this disease is a silent killer. and no one understands it. doctors don't get it. we don't get it. YOU don't get it.

that's just a little blurb. so... it hasn't been an easy journey. it still isn't easy. i mentioned in my last blog about a breakdown i had back in october. well, that breakdown probably should've hospitalized me. i'm not even kidding. i thought about it. signing myself into the hospital. not around here though, pmc sucks monkey balls. BIG monkey balls, god i hate that place. but yes, i did really think about it, alot. alot, alot. i went and saw my psychiatrist, and i have no secrets, and no shame in saying that i cried alot when i talked to her and she said, you don't need an antidepressant, you need a mood stabilizer. and ya know what? i finally caved. i said ok. i hate being on medication, and i've resisted for so long. but, i said ok. i did not want to be the crazy girl on medication!!! but, ok. let's try it. it's not fair to my family or my friends or to me to be snapping all the time. to not understand what's wrong. and my dr, she said, you're not crazy. you had a tumor take over your brain nicole. you need help, it's ok to take the help. so, ok. and you know what? i'm getting there. i'm understanding things more. i'm not as sad. i'm not freaking out all the time. it's only been a week, but i'm seeing a difference. granted, i just kinda yelled at my mom, sorry ma. but, it's a gradual thing. and i'm gonna get there. and i'm gonna be ok.

but you... you haven't given up on me, have you? you've stuck  by me. mood swings, crying spells, happy, sad... all of it.

and when i wanted to drive off the road, you wouldn't let me. when i wanted my life to end, you made me see the value. you all just wrapped your arms around me and said it's going to be ok. we love you. you love you, it's in there. you're gonna find it again. when i couldn't find my song, you sang it to me. you didn't leave me, you were always here. i just... i can't always see it.

sometimes the brightest stars need the darkest skies to shine. i love you for shining through my darkness

a little sugar, a little spice

well... it's been a while, hasn't it? ALOT has been going on, and then maybe alot hasn't been going on...

it's been up and down and all around here...

i posted a little about my breakdown in my last blog, but i didn't make it really public, or, moreso, didn't post much about it, just that i had a breakdown. October 10th.full on breakdown. Now, I don't know if it was a nervous breakdown, or what you want to call it, but everything came to surface. Everything had been coming. Things had been getting bad. I'm just really good at keeping it all inside... I was like a tea kettle, or a volcano, and it was time for me to errupt... and errupt I did.

I'm blessed though, I was really taken care of that night, and for the weeks to follow...

But let's talk about this breakdown, shall we?

You all know I'm fighting cushings, which every day in itself is a battle and I think I've come to handle it quiet well. I'm not medicated to deal with the emotional aspect of it, which is changing today, as my neurologist so lovingly put it, he can't have his sunshine going dark :) I try to stay positive as best I can. I had some pretty rough things to deal with, family hurts. People telling me that my life sucks, that my friends are moving on and leaving me in the dust... and I guess I had starting to believe that. But really? That's not true. Those same friends that I was being told were going to leave me? Were the ones who were saving me that night. (I've come to these realizations POSTBREAKDOWN MIND YOU)

So breakdown, right. I was on bedrest for most of September and I felt neglected. I was stuck at home. I couldn't go anywhere, I could hardly walk. I was doped up most of the time and in excrutiating pain. I felt alone...

And before that, there was a bunch of hurtful stuff that happened in July/August that I don't even want to BEGIN to talk about because it just turns my stomach and makes my eyes water because these are the people who were never supposed to break my heart. Oh wait, but I'm Nicole, he'd never hit me right? He didn't hit me, but it doesn't mean I'd ever trust him again. Or that I like him. Or that I can even stomach the thought of him. Trust? Right. I've turned over a new leaf. Once you've broken my trust, that trust is DEAD. GONE. BYE BYE.

October's always a hard month for me. There were alot of deaths that month. And it was my birthday. I was just... not feelin it. I never do.

I just felt myself slipping. And I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't sad. I just felt hopeless. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to exist. I just felt... blah. I didn't want to be anymore. I felt like no one would care either way.

A close friend of mine had an abortion. I had one. But this one...I just couldn't handle it. And the pressure was on me to deal with it. To take her for the appointments. Which made me late to my doctors appointments. Which added more stress to my life. Which I can hardly handle.

And then there's the stress of day to day life. I don't work. I can't work. I miss working. I miss being a contributing member of society. Some days I feel like I'm just useless. What am I good for? What can I do? I give smiles and sunshine, and if I'm not giving smiles and sunshine, what good am I?

And then I have people telling me that I'm not good enough. That what I feel that I'm good at, I'm not. Or that they feel sorry for me. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't. I'm going to be ok. I'm just not ok.

When you ask me how I'm doing, and if I say, "I'm managing" or "I'm not ok" I AM NOT OK!!! listen to me, would ya?

One of the benefits of having a meltdown at that beautiful bar that I like to hangout at with my amazing friends, (and no, i don't drink) someone finally listened! as my wonderful friend put it, "you're always saving everyone else, maybe tonight you need to take your cape off and let someone save you".

i was there for a few hours. talking to people. hugging people. having people LISTEN TO ME. and not just, uh huh, yeah ok, listen. i mean, REALLY listen. and they are beautiful people. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

i talked about how scared i was that my dr wants to stop my cushings medication to see if radiation was successful, bc keto isn't something i need to be on for a while. i'm freaking out bc of the anxiety, the weight, the blowing up, the idk what could happen. and they all stepped up and offered to come to my house and sit with me.

after my breakdown? i had people sitting with me. taking time to be with me. spending a day with me. a few hours with me. talking with me. it's been good. i've always been the one to reach out to everyone, make the calls, make the plans, but it's hard for me now. and i feel like i shouldn't always be the one to do it. but i also think i need to do it, too.

idk. sugar and spice.

so... it's been 2 years, 2 months and 4 days since my first surgery and 3 days off the ketocanazole. i'm down 29 lbs so... that's good... i wish it were more but i'll take what i can get!

i took that picture before going to the psychiatrist today. not bad, right? :) starting to feel beautiful again, and trying not to let the negativity of others bring me down. and i'm totally in love with the hat my little brother got me for my birthday!

so, what else... my disability came through, praise God. it's nice to be able to help out my parents. but... since i no longer qualify for SSI... my MA has been suspended so, in dec that means i won't have health insurance? and the only reason i know that is because i called today to find out about whether or not i will have MA once medicare kicks in in january...

so then i call my insurance company, and THEY tell me that NO my insurance has NOT been suspended... so wth. i'm just a basket of confusion...


just one thing after another i suppose...

over and out

i am really ready to just be done with everything.

it's like whatever i say is wrong.

whatever i do is wrong.

some people don't believe that i'm really sick. what more do i have to do? really? 3 brain surgeries aren't enough? a chronic illness isn't enough? bedrest for most of september isn't enough?

what about the fact that i haven't been leaving my house? how about the fact that i've been pretty completely silent? does the fact that you haven't heard my voice or seen my face worry you in the least bit? it seems that it hasn't. and that worries me, or well... no. no it doesn't anymore. i'd say it angers me, but it doesn't even do that anymore. i've fallen so far deep into this darkness that all i really feel is numb and sad. and sad and numb. and all i really want to do is cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe... just maybe drive my car into a tree. or into a ditch. or off a bridge. maybe. but then, you probably wouldn't notice if i was gone, would you.

no, this isn't a cry for help. because, i wouldn't really do it. just stating how i've been feeling. and i've been feeling this way for quite a long time now.

it all came to surface last wednesday. i had a complete breakdown.

fuck it. i can't even type anymore.

ATTENTION CUSHIES!!!

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?
can i have your attention please?

all cushings patients, possible cushies, this is for YOU!!!

this is a message from the cushiequeen, aka ME

we have what is called, CUSHINGS DISEASE or SYNDROME or CYCLICAL CUSHINGS or... THE UGLY DISEASE... OOOOOOooooooooo.........

well, NEWSFLASH: CUSHIES ARE HOTTIES! i dont care how much you weigh, how much stria you have, hair you grow, you are freaking beautiful, are you reading this? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. CUSHINGS WILL NOT DESTROY YOU! YOU ARE FABULOUS! ♥

i know we all have our bad days, trust me... i've been sinking into the darkness so much that it's almost been impossible to crawl out of. i've been so incredibly sick recently that i've been on bedrest for two weeks. and i just... pretty much hate everyone. and october is a very rough month for me. while i should be enjoying it, it's my birthday month, my best friends got his lead role as an actor, i'm going to a wedding, i'm also mourning the loss of the 6 year anniversary of some suicides of a few friends and the tragic death of another. i hate this month. and im trying to stay strong, but this disease has made it harder...

but you know what? i can't let it beat me. i can't. and i won't. and you can't either. you are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. remember that. when you're struggling and don't think that someone gets it, we do. when you think that no one loves you, we do. we're stronger together. and we will get through this. 

you're beautiful. you're a star. don't let anyone knock your shine ;)

pills, pills and more pills...

instead of saying, there's an app for that... in my life it's... i have a pill for that.

seriously. you should see the arsenal of medication i have. pain meds. nausea meds. life saving meds. blood thinning injections. steroids should i go into an adrenal crisis. something for anxiety and panic attacks. headache meds- because i can't take regular tylenol. something to stop me from going apeshit on someone. something for acid reflux. breathing medication. c.diff medication. antibiotics that i need to keep around. MRSA cream. bacitracin-because im allergic to neosporin. vitamins.

you want it? chances are... i got it.

and you know what? im getting to the point where i am ready to be done. i just am done. i don't want to take anymore pills. i don't want to inject myself every day. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. ok, so it's not ALL the time. but september really took a toll on me- physically and mentally.

i really feel like i'm heading for a break down. and maybe that's why i've blogged two days in a row. maybe that's why the douchebag at the supermarket got to me and i broke into tears in my car...

oh right. my good time at giant...
so there i am. at giant. checking out. and i swiped my fs card. paid the rest in cash, and then i'm putting my bags in my cart when the guy behind me LITERALLY RAMS ME WITH HIS CART. I said, could you give me a second? His reply? Could you move a little faster? What the hell's wrong with you lady? My reply? I'm sorry. There's a reason I'm disability sir.

Are you fucking serious?! what the hell is wrong with people!? and this guy had to have been in his 40's or older. like seriously. he grew up in a time when people should have learned respect. 

so i brought my stuff to my car, walking slowly because i don't feel well. and i have tears streaming down my face. so after i put everything in my car, i walk back into the store. i'm not sure what i was going to do. he wasn't there, so i was going to tell the store manager about what had happened and then i thought... was he going to care? probably not. the cashier didn't say anything. she ignored it, so why bother?

so... i walked back to my car. sat in it for a while. started to cry and then thought i could drive home. nopers. so i drove to the back of the lot. and just bawled. i don't know if i was crying because i was treated like that, because my back hurt... shopping carts hurt, or just from everything i've been dealing with... 

but i'm home... and i have a pill for that. i have an arsenal. and i could take enough where i could never have to deal with ignorant pieces of shit again...

and then i think... that wouldn't really solve anything either. i'd much rather fight back. 

i look forward to the day where i no longer need to take 20 pills a day. not the day i have angel wings and am walking with al and aaron, though i know i will cherish the day i see them again...

this is why i hate october. 

anyway. i really am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i do have my good days but lately... it's been more bad than good. and i'm not liking that. i want more good than bad! 

and i'd really like people to reach out. i'm tired of reaching out. call this a cry for help or a cry for attention, call it whatever the hell you want. but if you care- do something about it and freakin prove yourself. because im slowing becoming done with you.

actually, i think i've already become done with you. if your picture's not on my wall... chances are your dead to me. and if i've taken your picture off my wall, then yeah... you ARE the weakest link. goodbye.

demons sure do come out at night...

i know it's been a while, and i had planned on writing about california, and i will. i have it all on paper, i just need to upload it, i've just been really, really sick- physically and emotionally.

when i got back from california, i was on bedrest for two weeks. TWO MOTHERTRUCKING WEEKS. seriously. talk about major sucktasticness! my goodness. and let me tell you what that did for my mental health, a whole lotta NOTHING! especially because my new soulsister was on the other side of the flipping country. yeah. the person who understood what i was going through, physically and emotionally- lives forever away... NO BUENO!

so... anyway... when i'm physically ill, that seems to be when i'm under attack the most. i feel my lowest. the darkness likes to take over. my heart sinks. it just keeps breaking. anything and everything hurts. the fearies seem to have disappeared. i know i need to do something to welcome them back, and i will. i miss them. whatever, think im a nutbag, i really don't care. you have your beliefs, and i have mine. but i hurt. and i just want to cry...

tonight, as im washing the dishes, everythihng that had hurt me in the past just seemed to have come up. and im not talking dbag anthony stuff. because that's been dealt with. and, really, i could probably not even say dbag in front of his name anymore. that's done and over with, and i don't hurt anymore. i really feel NOTHING and it's a beautiful thing. but, i was washing dishes and got ANGRY at chris for trying to keep my meds from me. yes, he did that. he felt that i didn't need to have them back when we broke up. knight in shining armor right? his stepdad is the only reason i got them back. fucking piece of shit. seriously. he's a fucking scumbag and i really can't wait til karma gets him. or someone stomps on his hearing aids. because he is a complete fucking asshole. like, why would try and keep my medication from me? were you planning on taking my pills? were you going to inject yourself with my blood thinners? honestly, what good would that do you? that's the only thing that pisses me off. i don't care that it's over. the only reason we were together was because i had the whole 'someone needs to love a sick girl' mentality. did i love him? no. was the sex good? oh god no. it didn't last long. and it was just BAD. he was a good kisser. and when he was around, we were good friends. ill give him that. he was a really good friend, a good listener. which is why i tried to convince him from the beginning we should only be friends, but no. he wanted more so i tried. but anyway, WHY withold my meds when you of all people know what that's like? i don't know why that came to me when i was washing dishes but it really pissed me off.
and another thing he always used to throw in my face- the fact that i was gonna get better and leave. or that i would go to the movies. like, grow up. im independent, always have been. i never relied on anyone. that's just not my thing. im not the upyourassallthetimeclingybitchassneedamantosurvive kinda girl. jump off my vagina you fucking prick. seriously. im sorry you were breastfed until you were 18. that's not my fault. like really. get a life.

and then im washing dishes and ROB pops into my head. all the fucked up things he did- the choking, the trying to break my ankles, the throwing me over the tables, the telling me my headaches weren't real, stealing my money, the naked pictures of his exes on his cellphone, all the crap he put me through...

it's like when i get as sick as i am right now... all the bad comes to surface.

and it's weird. if you're wondering what kind of sick i'm talking about, i'm talking about puktastic sick. my acid reflux is kicking in wayyyy harsh. like, making it difficult to sleep harsh. water is repeating on me, it's difficult to do anything. everything burns. dairy seems to help, but i'm lactose intolerant so that's a bag of fun. but it's strange, when i get the acid reflux, the past repeats on me... it's kinda nutty, kinda crazy... but it's true.

so i'm trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. and i'm not sure how to do it. i think i'm going to smudge my room, maybe smudge the house. for those of you that don't know what smudging is, it's when you take a stick of sage, or a bowl full and use a feather, and blow it around the house, asking Spirit, God, the angels, archangels, Orishas, whatever you believe, to cleanse your home and yourself of negativity and negative energy. I also plan on lighting my black candle to ground the negativity, kill it. I forgot there was a full moon this weekend so maybe I need to reenergize my crystals...

Blah. I really don't like this whole being sick thing!

BUT... I am looking forward to October, and I never ever look forward to this month. I used to, because it's my birthday month but... then everyone started dying... the suicides, Al's death... it just became a month I wanted to get through, and now? Now I'm excited. Huey has the lead in Sherlock, Jen's getting married, it's a BTF weekend,  I have my birthday, Ivory has her birthday, we're supposed to go see RHPS at the Sherman, Halloween... I think it's going to be a kickass month, I really do :) I'm just going to keep moving forward and keep training...

Training? Oh right. The NBTS 5k is November 4th. We're going as the Cushings Crusaders. At least me, Christine and Laura are. Mike says he is, too. I have to repost the link. I have people telling me they want to walk with us but,.. the clock is ticking and I'm not going to be up people's asses. You wanna do it? Great. But don't expect me do remind you every day. It's not my job. I'm not your mother. That's not how this works.

I'm in rare form tonight. Thank God "Once Upon A Time" comes back on. I'm lacking my fairy tales. lol

I've been finding it harder and harder to come out of the darkness. It's been pulling me under, I've been sinking. I don't know if it's the cushings, that I've been sick, or that there's been so much bad going on all around me. Maybe it's a combination. I really need to go back to therapy, and I have absolutely no problem admitting that. I love my shrink, she's amazing. But when I'm this sick, I can't get there. I can't physically get there, which sucks big ol' monkey balls.

I've been telling people how I feel, though. I think that might be part of it. Instead of holding it all in, and letting myself tell those who have hurt me know... but really... I've only talked to one person. Maybe it's because I only really cared to save that one relationship. The other people who have hurt me, I'm kinda just like... go fuck yourself. But this other relationship, I kinda don't want to live without it. hmm... but, as the other's go, I'll put on my brass bra and talk to them, if it's that big of a deal.

Demons... need to be slaughtered, not played with.

There's a reason I'm called the CushieQueen. I run this shit. I don't back down. I look good in my crown.