I was baptized yesterday...

So... I did it. I took the plunge.

well, I got dunked is really how it went. It was a decision I know I'm never going to regret. I even gave a little testimony about what brought me to my decision, and had a good little ugly cry while I told the story, but, I won't tell that story here. no... that story will come in time. i'm not ready to write about it. well, i'm trying to write about it. just not here.

i'm excited about my new life in Christ. i haven't been swearing. my anger has been decreased. i've been happier and been living a more positive life... life has been GOOD. am i still sick? yes. i'm always going to have my illness. everyone keeps saying God will heal me. and, here's the thing. unless God is going to grow me some adrenal glands, i'm always going to have primary adrenal insufficiency. can He heal my of my symtoms? yes. can He heal me of my migraines? yes. He can work miracles! and... i was praying for a miracle on Sunday but... it didn't happen. and that made me a little sad. i think a part of me was expecting everything to be immediately better when i got baptized, like everything would be brand new. i know this signifies my starting over, and what i talked about in church was my cleansing of something else, and this is an amazing thing, i just was kind of hoping to get my sight back. and maybe that's silly. but i pray for it every day. and  i know Jesus healed the blind man... i just want Him to heal me, too. but at least my depression is getting easier to deal with and my anxiety is getting easier to deal with, too.

i know i made the right decision. and i'm excited.

the tests however, aren't fun. but i am learning how to breathe through them and how to be slow to speak and slow to anger and to just not let people and their crap bother me. there's a delete key and i'm using it.

i was tested today. when the new doctor said to me, of course you have adrenal glands. everyone has adrenal glands. and i had to respond with, no. i'm pretty sure i had mine removed. and then he said, well, you still produce hormones. and i had to respond with, i don't have a pituitary gland either. and then he tried to convince me that i could take a medication that three of my doctors have all warned me against on multiple occasions.
instead of going off on him i just clenched my fists and nodded and yessed him to death and walked away and told one of the nurses that i would never be seeing him again and told her what had happened. tomorrow and i am calling my regular doctor to tell him what had happened so this can be handled and when i have to go back at the end of the week i don't have to see this guy.

but back to this baptism.

you weren't there. and that kind of made me sad. i know it's supposed to be between me and God. and it was. but... it would have been nice if you could have been there to support me. i mean, i wasn't at your wedding. we're done. our friendship has bit the big one. i just ripped up pictures of us that i found to day. and my heart aches from what you did to me. so i guess i just need to pray that God heals my heart and maybe heals our friendship, or lack there of and that we can go our separate ways without any ill will toward one another. i send you love because holding onto this pain is destroying me.

i'm excited that i got baptized. i love my new church. i hope i can find some way to get involved in it. i'm slowly building up my strength and i'm having better days. i'm still having my bad ones, like today i didn't get up until 3 but i finally SLEPT so that was a wonderful thing and right now i'm not in any pain, aside from the pain that's in my ear and the dizziness that i keep experiencing, but i just chalk it up to the norm and that it's what's supposed to happen. nothing really surprises me anymore.


i send you all love and blessings.

i know. this wasn't too exciting. but, they will be. especially when i'm ready to confess :)

apparently not...

so... i had written this LONG LONG blog, about my fears and my anger and what ive been experiencing... i even wrote out every little thing i wanted to say to dbag... BUT... my plug fell out of my computer! :( and i dont know how to recover the blog or the word doc that i had written... smh. but... maybe that's God's way of saying, the world doesn't need to know what a complete and utter shitbrick he is. I did feel alot better after writing it though, like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

so what i DO remember, is that IM NOT REMEMBERING. my memory loss is pretty sucktastic as of late and i fear its getting worse. its kinda scary, but i dont know what to do about it. im on the waiting list to see a neurologist.

i dont have any anti-anxiety meds, or anti-depressants... so im trying to face this alone... alone... something i feel allllllll the damn time. i can be surrounded by the most amazing people but... i still feel like an outcast. its hard. im different now, and not everyone wants to or can accept that. i dont drink, well, i CANT drink, which is fine. it takes longer for my body to recover after a day of fun, i cant see, i get scared, i dont drive at night, i dont work, i have no money... i feel alone. i do have friends and family who do their best to make me not feel so bad, and i am having more good days than bad. but... sometimes, i still feel like crawling into a ball and cry cry cryyyyyyyyyyyyying my eyes out. sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt.

idk. maybe thats one of the reasons i love the shore so much. i dont get treated like im sick, i dont get talked to like im dumb, they dont get frustrated with me when i dont remember something. im sorry to whomevers reading this, if you have to repeat yourself a few times because i cant remember what you said. and im sorry that i dont remember what i say so i repeat myself. if you can't deal with it, then just dont talk to me. im never going to be the same 'normal nicci'. as my beloved chell put it, after i bawled my eyes out "you want to be normal nicole, but you're not. you never will be. YOU'RE EXTRAORDINARY. and it's ok that you dont have the energy like you used to, that you cant run around like you once did, that you get tired. we love you. we accept this. we dont think any less of you. we never will and we will always be here, no matter what. i know it's hard for you because this is your escape and you come here because no one treats you different, but maybe you need to be treated a little different so that you can help yourself. we'll never leave your side, you just need to realize your limitations so you don't get sicker'. i love her. and im sure ive heard that over and over again, but for some reason, sitting in chells living room, after getting mad a crab and jay, hearing her say those words... hit home. and she's right. that day i had hit my breaking point and tried to force myself to be ok, but i couldn't.
crab said, you always cry when  you come down here. but that's ok. because ill hug you. ill cry with you. <3 bee eff eff right there. and he did. i think part of the reason i get so emotional down there is because im constantly trying to hold it together out here. i have to be a superhero. but down there... theyre my superheroes. its nice.
my moms superwoman too, dont get me wrong. but it's different. moms are supposed to be superheroes. its in their job description, and my mom wears her cape well. my cousins dont have to be, but they are. and they always have their guards up for me. it's cute. hell, jailbait even said to me, i kept coming into your room when you were sleeping to check on you, to make sure you were ok. like seriously? who does that? other than my parents... no one. my ex didnt even do that. but i guess thats love, unconditional love. good, bad, happy, sickness, health... always.forever.nomatterwhat. im so proud to be apart of the family i have.

i could write about anger, but... that has left the building. i do kinda feel like crying, but oh well. ill be seeing jenn later and if i need to cry, i will. were getting pedi's done. and tomorrow me, jenn and her mom are getting makeovers, and then jenn and i are hittin up a club... she wants to go. and idk i guess i kinda do too? itll be interesting to see how i handle it. im not gonna let my anxiety win. i will conquer this. i will. because im a soldier. im a warrior. and i win. always.