i lost my sight today

well, five years ago today.

5 years ago yesterday i went in for emergency brain surgery. a crainiotomy, to remove my pituitary tumor that was causing my cushing's disease that no one knew i had. all anyone knew was that i had this tumor, that was growing rapidly and was pressing up against my optic nerve and that if i didn't have it removed i would go blind.

funny story about how i didn't go blind before we even knew i had this tumor.

i was walking around with shitbrick (my term of endearment for my loving ex boyfriend whom, when we found out about my tumor told me, this is your problem, i'm out. oh, and when i had my blood clots in my lungs, told me he didn't care if i died in the hospital. i pick winners i tell ya!!) anyway, i was walking around with him at great adventure on flag day in 2010 because i had such an awesome job working for the county that we got that day off and he well, had no life and had that day off as well so we went to great adventure. and, i was walking around on a broken foot because lovely pocono medical center told me it WAS NOT broken. asshats. anyway, ALL OF THE UPSIDE DOWN ROLLER COASTERS WERE OUT OF COMMISSION THAT DAY! so, we we didn't know i had my brain tumor and i was told if i had gone upside down, i would have lost my sight because the tumor could have moved and pushed up hard against my optic nerve and BAM. blind girl.

back to today. i had my surgery and woke up fine. and then the next day, today, well, 5 years ago today, i couldn't see out of my right eye. there was no vision. the nurse didn't believe me, but it was black. more of a beige, but nothing. she did all sorts of tests and nothing. she called dr douche and he came to the hospital right away and sent me for an mri of my head which scared the shit out of my mom because i had JUST came out of surgery and was in icu and that was a NONO. so, my mom raced to the hospital and i told all of the nurses to not tell her about my vision loss because i wanted to tell her. i didn't want her to freak out. but she did. i handled it quite well. i though maybe i'd get it back. i never did. i remember i wouldn't let anyone visit me in the hospital because i just sank. and the headaches were awful. but, they did lots of testing and no one could figure out what happened. the doctor put me on suicide watch and put a bed in my room and i had to have someone stay with my 24/7. i didn't understand why. i wasn't suicidal. he felt really bad. i kinda was just like, i'm alive so... what's the big deal. i still have my other eye? am i allowed to drive? he said yes. so... at least i had that. i mean, it sucked, but, i was ALIVE. oh. and then i found out the guy who was promising to stay by my side while i was in the hospital was fucking someone else. thank you to the girl who decided to text me while i was recovering for that message. that made everything so much easier to deal with. that was a bitch move. you know who you are. but, we're friends now. not me and him, he's a douche. we both hate him. me and her. weird, i know but, whatever.

so. here i am.

oh. before i start that. i had gone to a neurologist  two years later and he said hmmm. and i said what, and he said there it is. there what it? that's where he severed your optic nerve. i can see the slice.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?! well, that's lovely. and not like anything can be done because my shitty lawyers took their sweet ass time with the malpractice suit and by the time i wanted to get new lawyers, it was too late. the statute of limitations was up. yay me. but, at least i was granted disability. for a multitude of things. that was fun.

so anyway. here i am. my mom wants me to talk about it. and i don't know what she wants me to talk about. so, i'm just gonna go...

it sucks not being able to see. i look at pictures of myself and i see my eyes looking two different ways and that bothers me. or how bout when someone points out to me that my eye is shifting. because that's something i always like to hear about it. yeah nicole. i can see that you're disabled. gee thanks. i know i look like a fucking moron. you don't need to point it the fuck out to me. that goes for all of you. i know i look different. i know that you can tell i have a headache when my eye shifts. you asking, do you have a headache? your eye is shifting. IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE THING TO DO! HOW BOUT I SAY, DID YOU EAT AT WENDY'S? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GAINED FIVE POUNDS! do i do that to you? no, i do not. do i comment on how you raise your children? your relationships? do i make any comments about your physical appearances whatsoever? NO! SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT OK FOR YOU TO DO IT TO ME?!

and yes. i get it. my hair gets in front of my eye. do i know that? NO. if it's bothering you, TOO FUCKING BAD! I CAN'T SEE IT! if we're going to be taking a picture though, and my hair is in front of my eye, the kind thing to do would be to either 1. push my hair behind my glasses or 2. tell me but be fucking nice about it.

oh. and if we're going somewhere, walk on my left side. walk NEXT to me. NOT behind me. if you walk behind me, i won't know where you are and my anxiety will be going through the roof! i will be constantly looking to see where you are. and DO NOT WALK ON MY RIGHT SIDE BECAUSE I WILL HIT YOU. i talk with my hands. i have hit people before. it's not my fault if you get smacked. deal with it. if you feel the need to walk on my right side, link arms with me. my friends tend to walk on my right side and then they'll disappear on me. DO NOT DISAPPEAR ON ME. that is one of the worst things you can do to me. DO NOT ABANDON ME SOMEWHERE WHERE I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM.
1. i have short term memory loss and i will not know where i am
2. i have anxiety and i will freak out
3. i am like a small child and will feel lost

my douche bag ex boyfriend that i talked about in my blog before this one did this to me and we had and all out brawl.

i still walk into things. i have no depth perception and i think things are farther away than they are. or i'll think something is closer than it is and i'll go to grab something and i'll miss. that's why i don't pour drinks for people at parties or at restaurants. i can't reach across the table and pour. it has to be done for me. i can do it at home, no problem, because i can pick it up as close to my face as possible, but i feel like an ass doing that in public.

i'm still a pretty bad ass driver and i'm pretty good at parallel parking. maybe even better than i was when i could see.

i try not to let this get the best of me because, well, what good would it do?

the past three days have been rough. all these memories. my depression has been in overdrive. i do have a good friend who has been by my side letting me talk to him about everything and i'm really blessed because even though he doesn't get what i'm going through, i've been able to cry on his shoulder.

wow. i can't believe how many times i've cussed lol. i haven't cussed in three months. haha. oh well. Jesus still loves me. Guess i'll have to start over.

but there. now i've talked about it.

i just don't see what point there is to holding onto the anger about going blind would do me. does it suck? yeah. do i want my sight back? yeah. did i think that once i was baptized i'd be seeing again? you betcha. but, that didn't happen, now did it? no. so... there's the story morning glory.

be blessed.

and don't take your health for granted.

I was baptized yesterday...

So... I did it. I took the plunge.

well, I got dunked is really how it went. It was a decision I know I'm never going to regret. I even gave a little testimony about what brought me to my decision, and had a good little ugly cry while I told the story, but, I won't tell that story here. no... that story will come in time. i'm not ready to write about it. well, i'm trying to write about it. just not here.

i'm excited about my new life in Christ. i haven't been swearing. my anger has been decreased. i've been happier and been living a more positive life... life has been GOOD. am i still sick? yes. i'm always going to have my illness. everyone keeps saying God will heal me. and, here's the thing. unless God is going to grow me some adrenal glands, i'm always going to have primary adrenal insufficiency. can He heal my of my symtoms? yes. can He heal me of my migraines? yes. He can work miracles! and... i was praying for a miracle on Sunday but... it didn't happen. and that made me a little sad. i think a part of me was expecting everything to be immediately better when i got baptized, like everything would be brand new. i know this signifies my starting over, and what i talked about in church was my cleansing of something else, and this is an amazing thing, i just was kind of hoping to get my sight back. and maybe that's silly. but i pray for it every day. and  i know Jesus healed the blind man... i just want Him to heal me, too. but at least my depression is getting easier to deal with and my anxiety is getting easier to deal with, too.

i know i made the right decision. and i'm excited.

the tests however, aren't fun. but i am learning how to breathe through them and how to be slow to speak and slow to anger and to just not let people and their crap bother me. there's a delete key and i'm using it.

i was tested today. when the new doctor said to me, of course you have adrenal glands. everyone has adrenal glands. and i had to respond with, no. i'm pretty sure i had mine removed. and then he said, well, you still produce hormones. and i had to respond with, i don't have a pituitary gland either. and then he tried to convince me that i could take a medication that three of my doctors have all warned me against on multiple occasions.
instead of going off on him i just clenched my fists and nodded and yessed him to death and walked away and told one of the nurses that i would never be seeing him again and told her what had happened. tomorrow and i am calling my regular doctor to tell him what had happened so this can be handled and when i have to go back at the end of the week i don't have to see this guy.

but back to this baptism.

you weren't there. and that kind of made me sad. i know it's supposed to be between me and God. and it was. but... it would have been nice if you could have been there to support me. i mean, i wasn't at your wedding. we're done. our friendship has bit the big one. i just ripped up pictures of us that i found to day. and my heart aches from what you did to me. so i guess i just need to pray that God heals my heart and maybe heals our friendship, or lack there of and that we can go our separate ways without any ill will toward one another. i send you love because holding onto this pain is destroying me.

i'm excited that i got baptized. i love my new church. i hope i can find some way to get involved in it. i'm slowly building up my strength and i'm having better days. i'm still having my bad ones, like today i didn't get up until 3 but i finally SLEPT so that was a wonderful thing and right now i'm not in any pain, aside from the pain that's in my ear and the dizziness that i keep experiencing, but i just chalk it up to the norm and that it's what's supposed to happen. nothing really surprises me anymore.


i send you all love and blessings.

i know. this wasn't too exciting. but, they will be. especially when i'm ready to confess :)