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Sunday, September 30, 2012

demons sure do come out at night...

i know it's been a while, and i had planned on writing about california, and i will. i have it all on paper, i just need to upload it, i've just been really, really sick- physically and emotionally.

when i got back from california, i was on bedrest for two weeks. TWO MOTHERTRUCKING WEEKS. seriously. talk about major sucktasticness! my goodness. and let me tell you what that did for my mental health, a whole lotta NOTHING! especially because my new soulsister was on the other side of the flipping country. yeah. the person who understood what i was going through, physically and emotionally- lives forever away... NO BUENO!

so... anyway... when i'm physically ill, that seems to be when i'm under attack the most. i feel my lowest. the darkness likes to take over. my heart sinks. it just keeps breaking. anything and everything hurts. the fearies seem to have disappeared. i know i need to do something to welcome them back, and i will. i miss them. whatever, think im a nutbag, i really don't care. you have your beliefs, and i have mine. but i hurt. and i just want to cry...

tonight, as im washing the dishes, everythihng that had hurt me in the past just seemed to have come up. and im not talking dbag anthony stuff. because that's been dealt with. and, really, i could probably not even say dbag in front of his name anymore. that's done and over with, and i don't hurt anymore. i really feel NOTHING and it's a beautiful thing. but, i was washing dishes and got ANGRY at chris for trying to keep my meds from me. yes, he did that. he felt that i didn't need to have them back when we broke up. knight in shining armor right? his stepdad is the only reason i got them back. fucking piece of shit. seriously. he's a fucking scumbag and i really can't wait til karma gets him. or someone stomps on his hearing aids. because he is a complete fucking asshole. like, why would try and keep my medication from me? were you planning on taking my pills? were you going to inject yourself with my blood thinners? honestly, what good would that do you? that's the only thing that pisses me off. i don't care that it's over. the only reason we were together was because i had the whole 'someone needs to love a sick girl' mentality. did i love him? no. was the sex good? oh god no. it didn't last long. and it was just BAD. he was a good kisser. and when he was around, we were good friends. ill give him that. he was a really good friend, a good listener. which is why i tried to convince him from the beginning we should only be friends, but no. he wanted more so i tried. but anyway, WHY withold my meds when you of all people know what that's like? i don't know why that came to me when i was washing dishes but it really pissed me off.
and another thing he always used to throw in my face- the fact that i was gonna get better and leave. or that i would go to the movies. like, grow up. im independent, always have been. i never relied on anyone. that's just not my thing. im not the upyourassallthetimeclingybitchassneedamantosurvive kinda girl. jump off my vagina you fucking prick. seriously. im sorry you were breastfed until you were 18. that's not my fault. like really. get a life.

and then im washing dishes and ROB pops into my head. all the fucked up things he did- the choking, the trying to break my ankles, the throwing me over the tables, the telling me my headaches weren't real, stealing my money, the naked pictures of his exes on his cellphone, all the crap he put me through...

it's like when i get as sick as i am right now... all the bad comes to surface.

and it's weird. if you're wondering what kind of sick i'm talking about, i'm talking about puktastic sick. my acid reflux is kicking in wayyyy harsh. like, making it difficult to sleep harsh. water is repeating on me, it's difficult to do anything. everything burns. dairy seems to help, but i'm lactose intolerant so that's a bag of fun. but it's strange, when i get the acid reflux, the past repeats on me... it's kinda nutty, kinda crazy... but it's true.

so i'm trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. and i'm not sure how to do it. i think i'm going to smudge my room, maybe smudge the house. for those of you that don't know what smudging is, it's when you take a stick of sage, or a bowl full and use a feather, and blow it around the house, asking Spirit, God, the angels, archangels, Orishas, whatever you believe, to cleanse your home and yourself of negativity and negative energy. I also plan on lighting my black candle to ground the negativity, kill it. I forgot there was a full moon this weekend so maybe I need to reenergize my crystals...

Blah. I really don't like this whole being sick thing!

BUT... I am looking forward to October, and I never ever look forward to this month. I used to, because it's my birthday month but... then everyone started dying... the suicides, Al's death... it just became a month I wanted to get through, and now? Now I'm excited. Huey has the lead in Sherlock, Jen's getting married, it's a BTF weekend,  I have my birthday, Ivory has her birthday, we're supposed to go see RHPS at the Sherman, Halloween... I think it's going to be a kickass month, I really do :) I'm just going to keep moving forward and keep training...

Training? Oh right. The NBTS 5k is November 4th. We're going as the Cushings Crusaders. At least me, Christine and Laura are. Mike says he is, too. I have to repost the link. I have people telling me they want to walk with us but,.. the clock is ticking and I'm not going to be up people's asses. You wanna do it? Great. But don't expect me do remind you every day. It's not my job. I'm not your mother. That's not how this works.

I'm in rare form tonight. Thank God "Once Upon A Time" comes back on. I'm lacking my fairy tales. lol

I've been finding it harder and harder to come out of the darkness. It's been pulling me under, I've been sinking. I don't know if it's the cushings, that I've been sick, or that there's been so much bad going on all around me. Maybe it's a combination. I really need to go back to therapy, and I have absolutely no problem admitting that. I love my shrink, she's amazing. But when I'm this sick, I can't get there. I can't physically get there, which sucks big ol' monkey balls.

I've been telling people how I feel, though. I think that might be part of it. Instead of holding it all in, and letting myself tell those who have hurt me know... but really... I've only talked to one person. Maybe it's because I only really cared to save that one relationship. The other people who have hurt me, I'm kinda just like... go fuck yourself. But this other relationship, I kinda don't want to live without it. hmm... but, as the other's go, I'll put on my brass bra and talk to them, if it's that big of a deal.

Demons... need to be slaughtered, not played with.

There's a reason I'm called the CushieQueen. I run this shit. I don't back down. I look good in my crown.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

fall in love with the person in the mirror.

dios mio...

maybe it's just me. and maybe im just having an episode. or maybe im just on edge. or maybe im just... just. today. but really?



double chins? so what! who cares if you have hair in the wrong places, or you don't have hair. maybe you have scars, or have funky birth marks, or are overweight or are underweight. maybe you don't fit the mold of what society says is beautiful, but you are...

i really wish everyone could fall in love with who they see in the mirror. i really do. it's taken me a few years... ok, more than a few. let's say, 6 or 7 or 8. to fall back in love with myself. but i did it. and it's well worth it. yeah, i have days where i look at myself and am like, blech. BUT, that's why im glad i FINALLY listened to the advice of my beloved friends and did the affirmation things. i was told to tell myself positive things about myself every day. well, who really wants to do that? so, i took it a step further so i had NO CHOICE. go big or go home, right?

i see these every day. so i have NO CHOICE but to see positive things about myself. i didn't come up with all of these by myself, either. i asked my friends. i said, so, what do you like best about me. why not? who better to ask then the people who love you the most? and they gave me some really awesome answers. one of my favorites came from my cousin: "one of the things i love most about you is the fact that you can walk into any room and change it. you just bring it to life." i loved that. and then my friend: "i haven't known you very long, but one of the things i love about you is that you can make anyone feel welcome and loved. you did that for me and you do that for everyone you meet". and people who've read my poster saw that and agreed. so, asking them was actually quite beneficial for me because it made me feel good. i came up with alot of it on my own, though. i had to. i needed to think of what i liked most about myself. and i did. i like alot about myself. and i also wrote down things that i wanted to like about myself. the whole "i have a beautiful body" thing... that came from a boy i know. he also came up with the whole, "you're sexy, you have the most kissable lips" that sent my cheeks bright red but... hey. i'll take it. i kinda thought that asking him would give me some good ones... but nothing like that!

i encourage you to fall in love with yourself. we live in a society that encourages us to point out the bad in ourselves, and in others. but why? why do we just keep hurting ourselves? why do we get joy out of hurting others? it just doesn't make sense to me. and we do it all.the.time! we need to stop.

everyone's always sayin no negativity blah blah blah. and yet... that's all you people do! no drama... and yet, you're the one's creating it! WELL FUCKING CUT THAT SHIT OUT ALREADY! cheese and rice, man. do you know how much better your life will be when you start to breathe and just be happy with yourself and stop ripping other people apart? that's not what it's all about. and stop ripping yourself apart. tell the negativity committee to take a seat. they're not meeting today.

really. you're beautiful. and stop looking for bad things to happen. look for good things to happen. because they're going to. if things are going really good, don't say "great. now something bad is gonna happen". say, "what else awesome is gonna come my way?" when you change your thought pattern, you'll in for some good surprises. trust me. i'm experiencing daily.

when i say cushings is one of the best things that's ever happened to me- i'm not kidding. i've gotten rid of most of the bad people in my life. i'm doing it daily. i'm working on getting rid of my bad habits. i'm loving life more. i'm being more positive. i'm making positive changes. i'm loving myself more. i'm appreciating myself more. i'm taking a stand for what i believe and not allowing others to talk me out of it. i don't tolerate being talked down to. i don't tolerate being treated like garbage. don't like me? bye. i won't sit here and cry. if you don't want to be a part of my life, there's the door. and that's ok. it's quality, not quantity. i don't care if you've been my 'friend' for 10 years or 10 minutes. hell, i don't care if you're my family. buh-bye. i don't preach hate, either. and i won't listen to it. there are just some things that need to be done. and i care about my health. and if my not doing something with you or going out or whatever because i'm sick upsets you, then you can jump off it, because i'm not going to jeopardize my health for anyone anymore. it's crap. so... yeah.

anyway, fall in love with yourself. the more you love yourself, the more your inner light will shine. and the more your light shines, the brighter the world around you becomes :)

Pituitary Bill of Rights

I don't know who wrote this, but I saw this in one of my support groups:



As a patient afflicted with a chronic, often lifelong disease, I wish to affirm the following:

I did not bring this disease upon myself through any form of omission or commission.

I know, however, that my illness and its many symptoms and manifestations are poorly understood, and often imperfectly treated, with results that are unacceptable in any medically civilized society.

I affirm that I am a valuable human being: to myself, my family and the society in which I live and work. My right to proper diagnosis, care and management shall be second to none.

Either I or my fellow patients may have our lives and the length and quality of life at constant risk.

I cannot allow my rights as a member of society to be trampled on. I realize that it is not currently politically popular to give me my fair share of quality medical care, research, education, and mental, moral, psychological or societal care.

For these and other reasons and on behalf of myself, my loved ones, my family, and my fellow patients, I claim the following:

Our Rights

Pituitary diseases, tumors and the resultant hormonal imbalances shall be recognized as a serious, major public health problem afflicting a large segment of the world's population.

The financial and intellectual resources of my government and our public and private health services shall be as fairly allocated to me and my disorder as they are to any other life-threatening and life-altering disease.

I have a right to an early and appropriate diagnosis, treatment, care and medical intervention by the experts in these fields of medicine. I have an inalienable right to be told of - and allowed to use, whenever possible, any and all medications and treatment methods past, present or future -which will complete or assist in my healing.

Upon completion of any medical evaluation, treatment and care, I am entitled to the emotional and psychological care afforded anyone else with psycho-socially affective disorders.

I reaffirm my right to be treated completely so I may reclaim my place in society and my family as a fully functioning and contributing member.

I shall not be discriminated against in my workplace or any other part of society because of my physical, mental or emotional state.

There shall not be any financial, insurance, job, or promotional stigma attached to my diseases discovery, medical care or emotional recovery. My future life shall only be limited by conditions not under man's ability to rectify.

My family and coworkers have a right to be informed and counseled about my illness and Its many manifestations. In order for them to understand and accept the temporary limitation to my job performance and my family obligations, they must if possible, become part of my healing environment.

I reaffirm to the world: I am a valuable member of the society and family of man. My life is too valuable to waste. It is too costly to society and too detrimental to my family to allow me to merely exist at their sufferance and largesse.

I have the right to be believed! Just because a physician has not yet heard of, or seen, my symptoms before, does not mean they are not real and deserving of medical care and further investigation.