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Thursday, December 27, 2012

i can't fix you

i had a list of things that i wanted to write about... but this keeps eating away at me. 

i can't fix you. 

i can't. i don't have a toolbox. i don't have a magic wand. i don't have all the answers. 

i don't have a degree in psychology. i can't see the future. i can't erase the past. i can't fix your mistakes. 

can i give you advice? sure. but if you don't want my advice, don't ask me for it. if you don't want to hear what i have to say, why are you asking me? i've never been one to sugarcoat shit. i'm not going to protect your feelings. i don't care. i'm going to be completely honest with you. if i feel like you're acting like a complete fool, i'll tell you. if i think you're overreacting, i'll tell you. it's that simple. don't come to me with your problems, expecting me to wave a magic fairy wand or sprinkle fairy dust and POOF everything will be all better. HELLO this is reality. 

do i piss sunshine and rainbows on a daily basis? well, yes. BUT, i also know that life doesn't operate like that. there are hard times, there are tears and there is unfairness in the world. we need to accept that. if you can make the change for something positive happening in your life, then do something about it and stop fucking whining to me about it. 

here's a thought- I AM SICK! I AM A FUCKING SICK PERSON AND I AM NOT BETTER. I AM NOT WELL. or have we all forgotten that? i know, i'd like to forget that, too, but i kinda live with that every fucking day of my life. i'm so sorry that it weighs YOU down and that it's a problem for YOU. did you ever stop and think that maybe, just MAYBE you could be making me sicker? why don't y'all do some bloody research on cushing's instead of just thinking that because you know something with cushings that you know all about it. because you don't. 

stress makes me sicker. 
bad weather makes me sicker.
too much of anything makes me sicker. 
anxiety? makes me sicker. 

you have no idea what i'm going through on a daily basis because you don't ask. or you do ask and i'll give you a little bit and then it's back to being all about you. which is fine. i've been down this road, but seriously, the toxicity makes me sicker. 

i enjoy my alone time. i do. i haven't been going out because i don't feel well. my head's been hurting. my body's been aching and honestly? i've been getting anxious about going places by myself. maybe i need my medication increased. or maybe i don't want to go anywhere because i don't have any health insurance right now and i don't want to risk anything happening to me so i stay in my little bubble and that's ok. 

it doesn't mean i don't want to be around people. well, maybe it does. i do miss my friends though. i'm kinda thinking i'd like to have my karaoke peeps over. or maybe we should go out to dinner, minus the karaoke. because, well, we can't really hear each other over the singing. 

it was nice having lizzie curled up on the couch with me watching that cushings thing, even though she's allergic to my dog...

i think i'll write a book. maybe not a big book, but a pamphlet and give it to my friends and call it: How Cushing's Affects ME 
this way, they'll know what i'm dealing with. and how i'm dealing and what i need, what they can do, what i do, etc. 

betcha didn't know i lost feeling in my legs at church on Christmas Eve, didja... no. you didn't. only 2 people know that much... aside from my immediate family. and i'm ok with that. i don't need to tell the whole world my problems. i don't care. that's why i have this blog. i can say what i want and be free about it. that's the point of this. writing about my life with cushings. whoever wants to read it, can read it. 

ya know what is nice though? being cared about. and i am. i've gone to bed every night with a smile on my face for quite some time now. and i'm smiling right now. but that's another story for another day. :)

i'm a blessed girl. i'm not a victim, i've never been a victim. i can't STAND when people play the victim card. we're SURVIVORS! the more people start playing the survivor card the better off we'll be. but, too many people want to take advantage. it's disgusting. whatever.

but, like i said. i'm a blessed girl. every day i count my blessings. i have an amazing family, great friends, a loving dog, wonderful doctors, i have my health- yes i said it, my HEALTH- so what, it goes up and down, i have Cushings- yup. my disease is a blessing. i'm going to educate people. Cushings has taught me alot about myself and the world and that's ok. it's also given me alot of experiences. I never would have gotten to meet my dawniekins or greggypoo in sanfran and had the BEST chocolate in the world! :) i'm blessed.

i can't fix you. i can only work on fixing me, and that's a feat in itself. i can't fix you, i have enough on my plate. before you throw the weight of YOUR world on MY shoulders, try and consider what's going on in my life. no, you're right. i don't work and it may seem like i don't do much... but spend a day in my shoes. 

i'm exhausted. some days... showering takes alot out of me. you have no idea. so when you just think, oh, she has it sooooooooooooo easy. why don't you do some research. or, when you say, how are you? and i say, managing. or i respond with, i'm ok. or something short... if you REALLY want to know... ask  a little more. there's only a few people who choose to dig a little deeper. they know who they are. and those conversations mean the world to me. 

i'm really happy. i am. i have this beautiful sense of inner peace. my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to burst! my life is beautiful. but physically? some days... ick. some days... mentally it's rough, too. i'm wondering if cushings has given me seasonal depression, too. or? if it's all this shit that's been thrown at me. i know too much, and it makes me wanna throw up and i've got nowhere to go with this because i have no health insurance. and i can't blog about it... *sigh* just a few more days....

i love you all. i do. whomevers reading this. know that you're important and beautiful and wonderful and that everything is going to be ok. i just can't fix you. but you on the otherhand... you CAN. fix you.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

don't cry to me argentina

the truth is i don't want to hear it.

well, ok. so i don't mind hearing about what's wrong. but seriously? do something about it. and if you're not gonna, shut up. it's as simple as that.

there comes a point in life where you have to realize that the crap that's happening to you... you kinda bring on yourself.

the way i see it... when i was going through the same problem over and over and over again. and nothing was changing... one day it just kinda hit me. like... maybe I was the problem. or ok, it wasn't me, but it was my approach. the situation was just shitty and i was accepting shittiness to keep happening. so what did i need to do? change the situation. i needed to stop accepting crap and start demanding more. and when the more wasn't coming, i needed to put on my brass bra and go titties to the wall and do it MY way. and if whomever was in the situation didn't like it, BYEBYE. this is NICCI'S WORLD. it's about ME. and MY HAPPINESS. i needed to put my feelings, my emotions, my self-worth first. if i'm crying and miserable, what good is that doing me, or those around me? NEWSFLASH!!! it's not doing any good!!

i've started cutting people out of my life. not started, i started that a while ago. i guess since it's almost the end of 2012, i'm noticing that since it's been 6 months or maybe longer without these people... i don't miss them... AT ALL. hell, it's been less than that for some and i don't miss them... and i don't know. is that sad? i had thought that they were such an important part of my life, that i wouldn't be able to get on without them... but here i am. i'm living, i'm breathing, i'm smiling and i'm doing just fine. what is sad, is that some of them are family. but what i've come to realize, family isn't always your bloodline. which is fine. i actually learned that years ago. my uncle on my mom's side is the biggest douchebag ever. seriously. if i died tomorrow, i wouldn't want him at my funeral. in fact, i'd want someone making sure he wasn't allowed to see my casket. and i mean that. and that goes for his wife and his kids. fuck them. all of them :) they're not my family. they're people who share my bloodline.

but yeah. it's been a year since i've seen or spoken to some people, and i don't know why they would still consider me a friend. wouldn't that just make us aquaintances? i don't miss you. you miss me? well... you should. i'm freaking amazing.

and don't contact me because you want something. seriously? what's wrong with you. i'm not gonna help you. i'm not gonna give it to you. and if i DO have what you need, you really think that i'm gonna help you out? why, because i'm a good, loving, wonderful person? you're right. i am all of those things. but please, tell me what you've done to deserve any of my awesomeness? that's what i thought.

i can only do so much. and i'm ready to rip my hair out. people come to me for advice because, as i've been told i'm 'refreshingly brutally honest'. so... if you're not happy with what i'm saying, don't ask me. especially don't ask me more than once. because my answer won't change. and if it does, it may get more harsh. i'm all about solving problems with love and trying to come up with a happy solution, but sometimes... a person just needs a slap in the face.

they say that the 'faults' we see in others are our own. so, i think i get frustrated when my friends are treated like garbage because, for so long, i was treated like garbage. so maybe, i do see my flaws in others. i don't want to see them being treated the way that i was, when i know that they deserve better, and i know that they know it, too.

too often we accept so much less than we deserve.

and let's talk about this no strings attached sex, shall we? when the hell did this become ok? i'm no angel, i've partaken. but good lord! more and more babies are havin babies! there are wayyyyyyyyyy too many babies without daddies. too many babies without mommies AND daddies. too many babies in need of adoptive homes, too many kids growin up in foster care. WRAP IT THE FUCK UP IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ASSHOLE!

i'm prochoice. so, do what you want with your body. i don't care.

but if you're going to choose to have the baby, choose to take care of it!

i can't physically have kids, because of cushing's, now... but my goodness...

unless i can. that's something i was wondering. maybe i'm watching too much general hospital. i wonder if there's a procedure or something... but my eggs are probably bad.. and that's depressing.

right. the whole no sex in the champagne room. when did we become so ok with this whole no self-worth thing? aren't our bodies supposed to be temples? shouldn't we be worshipping them? why not let ONE person worship it, a person whom we love and cherish? not a kajillion wham-bam-thank-you-maam peeps! who knows where they have been? yeah, we're all gonna be with more than one person. but how bout, we're in a relationship before we hop into bed with the next guy or girl. let's value ourselves. let's value one another. let's stop overpopulating the planet. we keep talking about spaying and neutering dogs and cats because there aren't enough homes for them... take a look around you. there aren't enough homes for all the children out there. it's sad on both occasions.

and love.

let's start spreading more love, shall we? if you know me, you know that i believe in love more than anything else. i believe that love, above all things, can conquer any and everything! it is the light that the darkness most fears. it will make the ugly beautiful. romantic love, family love, friendship love... it's all beautiful. so spread it. tell someone you love them. and if you can't tell someone, show them. actions speak much louder than words, don't you think?

so don't cry to me, don't  cry for me, cry with me.

and wipe those tears away with a tissue of love. because love is the only answer.

Friday, December 14, 2012

not my cup o tea

i just choose not to drink the drama tea anymore.

and why should i? it tastes horrible.

maybe i come off like a bitch. maybe i come off cold-hearted, or mean, or whatever. but, look. if you're going to come to me with some bullshit that i really don't want to hear about, or that's going to make my stomach churn, or that's really fault of your OWN that is kinda sad and pathetic... and that's gonna be dramatic... i don't want to hear about it. i don't want to deal with it. at all.

there's a reason my life is as good as it is. there's a reason the lack of stress is there. I CUT IT ALL OUT! i don't do the drama anymore. i cut out dramatic people. i don't listen to their problems. i don't engage in it.

i understand that some people feel that they can talk to me. but why? where the hell have you been for me? we're not even really friends. we're AQUAINTANCES. and because something's going on in your life, that, trust me, i can say ALOT about, but i won't, that you wanna run your mouth on... no. it has NOTHING to do with me. at all. maybe because you think it involves some people i know, but not really. nope. i want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

if what you have to tell me doesn't directly affect me... i don't care.

if it's a problem that can't be solved by a positive change, oh well.

ok, so this is coming out wrong. i don't mind listening to my FRIENDS vent. i don't mind listening to my FAMILY vent. i don't. i don't mind listening to problems and helping come up with a way to solve them. i don't mind giving advice. but that's for the people i SINCERELY care about, and who ACTUALLY give a shit about me. not for random drive-by frienships.

i don't do drama. keep it to yourself. i don't want it in my life. there's a reason my life is so peaceful and happy.

and yes, i get that i'm sick. and yes, i get angry. i get sad. but it's a peaceful anger. it's a peaceful sad.
so go on, come at me with your drama-filled tea, and i'll just throw some hot water in your face because it's not for me anymore :)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

laugh at yourself

how many of you take that perfect picture? or delete them off your camera/ cell phone if it's not right? you won't post it or let someone tag you if you don't like the way you look.

nope. my eyes are closed.
nope. i look fat
ew. what was i thinking
look at my face
i look gross

who are you trying to impress? who am I trying to impress? who are ANY OF US trying to impress? if we're trying to impress someone other than ourselves, then EHH WRONG ANSWER!

i do it. my god, do i do it. take my phone or my camera away from me, look at it. see how many pictures i have of myself. seriously, go look. and then see how many actually make it to my facebook.  i'm probably one of the most vain people i know.

or i was.

getting sick really turned things around for me. i gained 100lbs in 3 months. THREE FREAKING MONTHS! let's talk about that for self-esteem. so insert lots of drinking and meaningless sex to boost my self-esteem. no, i wasn't slutty. i only had sex with the douchey boyfriend i had. it was good sex, but it meant nothing.

i am looking forward to falling in love and having it mean something again. but that means i have to be comfortable with myself again. with my body. with these scars.

no, he never made me feel bad about myself. in fact, he liked thick girls, so i had that going for me. even though he cheated on me with a twig. but... idk. that's neither here nor there. i always felt pretty. for the most part.

but then the cushing's really kicked into high gear after the first surgery and i BALLOONED. and was camera shy. like, i hid. and ran and ew. ew ew ew ew ew. how i even HAD boyfriends, i couldn't tell you. they were dumbasses. and i don't know why i dated them. oh yeah. someone had to love a sick girl, right? the sex? ha. yeah. bad. omg. sooo sooo bad. but, i was getting it. and... he wasn't judging me so... it was ok, right? and i was finally comfortable enough with how gross i looked to take my clothes off for someone that it was ok. i think that's why i was having sex with him. aside from the whole "in love" thing, which we weren't. at all. at least i wasn't. i tried to be. i tried really hard. but it was a sham. i think it was a sham on his end, too. especially because, well, he's gay. but anyway.

i'm doing ok now. healthwise. i look amazing. i do. and my cortisol levels are normal. and i'm off my meds. SO LET'S TAKE PICTURES!

let's not care. let's tag ourselves. let's get over this crap of impressing people. if you have an issue with what i look like, jump off a cliff. i like myself. hell, i was hott when i was blimpy mcblimperson!! i'm beautiful INSIDE. and that's what i forgot. when you're beautiful inside, it shows outside. i'm blessed that i had people constantly reminding me of that, even though i chose to ignore them, i'm thankful that they never gave up on me.

so here's to pictures! so start snappin and start postin and start impressin YOU!!

this is what my brother thinks about my wackiness. but i wouldn't have it any other way :)

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY FRIEND! now get out that cell phone, make some silly faces and laugh at yourself! <3 it's a good time, trust me! i've been giggling like crazy!