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Thursday, December 27, 2012

i can't fix you

i had a list of things that i wanted to write about... but this keeps eating away at me. 

i can't fix you. 

i can't. i don't have a toolbox. i don't have a magic wand. i don't have all the answers. 

i don't have a degree in psychology. i can't see the future. i can't erase the past. i can't fix your mistakes. 

can i give you advice? sure. but if you don't want my advice, don't ask me for it. if you don't want to hear what i have to say, why are you asking me? i've never been one to sugarcoat shit. i'm not going to protect your feelings. i don't care. i'm going to be completely honest with you. if i feel like you're acting like a complete fool, i'll tell you. if i think you're overreacting, i'll tell you. it's that simple. don't come to me with your problems, expecting me to wave a magic fairy wand or sprinkle fairy dust and POOF everything will be all better. HELLO this is reality. 

do i piss sunshine and rainbows on a daily basis? well, yes. BUT, i also know that life doesn't operate like that. there are hard times, there are tears and there is unfairness in the world. we need to accept that. if you can make the change for something positive happening in your life, then do something about it and stop fucking whining to me about it. 

here's a thought- I AM SICK! I AM A FUCKING SICK PERSON AND I AM NOT BETTER. I AM NOT WELL. or have we all forgotten that? i know, i'd like to forget that, too, but i kinda live with that every fucking day of my life. i'm so sorry that it weighs YOU down and that it's a problem for YOU. did you ever stop and think that maybe, just MAYBE you could be making me sicker? why don't y'all do some bloody research on cushing's instead of just thinking that because you know something with cushings that you know all about it. because you don't. 

stress makes me sicker. 
bad weather makes me sicker.
too much of anything makes me sicker. 
anxiety? makes me sicker. 

you have no idea what i'm going through on a daily basis because you don't ask. or you do ask and i'll give you a little bit and then it's back to being all about you. which is fine. i've been down this road, but seriously, the toxicity makes me sicker. 

i enjoy my alone time. i do. i haven't been going out because i don't feel well. my head's been hurting. my body's been aching and honestly? i've been getting anxious about going places by myself. maybe i need my medication increased. or maybe i don't want to go anywhere because i don't have any health insurance right now and i don't want to risk anything happening to me so i stay in my little bubble and that's ok. 

it doesn't mean i don't want to be around people. well, maybe it does. i do miss my friends though. i'm kinda thinking i'd like to have my karaoke peeps over. or maybe we should go out to dinner, minus the karaoke. because, well, we can't really hear each other over the singing. 

it was nice having lizzie curled up on the couch with me watching that cushings thing, even though she's allergic to my dog...

i think i'll write a book. maybe not a big book, but a pamphlet and give it to my friends and call it: How Cushing's Affects ME 
this way, they'll know what i'm dealing with. and how i'm dealing and what i need, what they can do, what i do, etc. 

betcha didn't know i lost feeling in my legs at church on Christmas Eve, didja... no. you didn't. only 2 people know that much... aside from my immediate family. and i'm ok with that. i don't need to tell the whole world my problems. i don't care. that's why i have this blog. i can say what i want and be free about it. that's the point of this. writing about my life with cushings. whoever wants to read it, can read it. 

ya know what is nice though? being cared about. and i am. i've gone to bed every night with a smile on my face for quite some time now. and i'm smiling right now. but that's another story for another day. :)

i'm a blessed girl. i'm not a victim, i've never been a victim. i can't STAND when people play the victim card. we're SURVIVORS! the more people start playing the survivor card the better off we'll be. but, too many people want to take advantage. it's disgusting. whatever.

but, like i said. i'm a blessed girl. every day i count my blessings. i have an amazing family, great friends, a loving dog, wonderful doctors, i have my health- yes i said it, my HEALTH- so what, it goes up and down, i have Cushings- yup. my disease is a blessing. i'm going to educate people. Cushings has taught me alot about myself and the world and that's ok. it's also given me alot of experiences. I never would have gotten to meet my dawniekins or greggypoo in sanfran and had the BEST chocolate in the world! :) i'm blessed.

i can't fix you. i can only work on fixing me, and that's a feat in itself. i can't fix you, i have enough on my plate. before you throw the weight of YOUR world on MY shoulders, try and consider what's going on in my life. no, you're right. i don't work and it may seem like i don't do much... but spend a day in my shoes. 

i'm exhausted. some days... showering takes alot out of me. you have no idea. so when you just think, oh, she has it sooooooooooooo easy. why don't you do some research. or, when you say, how are you? and i say, managing. or i respond with, i'm ok. or something short... if you REALLY want to know... ask  a little more. there's only a few people who choose to dig a little deeper. they know who they are. and those conversations mean the world to me. 

i'm really happy. i am. i have this beautiful sense of inner peace. my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to burst! my life is beautiful. but physically? some days... ick. some days... mentally it's rough, too. i'm wondering if cushings has given me seasonal depression, too. or? if it's all this shit that's been thrown at me. i know too much, and it makes me wanna throw up and i've got nowhere to go with this because i have no health insurance. and i can't blog about it... *sigh* just a few more days....

i love you all. i do. whomevers reading this. know that you're important and beautiful and wonderful and that everything is going to be ok. i just can't fix you. but you on the otherhand... you CAN. fix you.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Nicci,
    So...I've been reading some of your blog from time to time, for several months and would like to know how YOU are doing? Your blog is about your outside forces and your inner feeling about those forces, but I mean, how are you physically, head to toe, now? Yes, I have Cushing's disease ,and it is ridiculously hard, but I haven't had (i don't even know how to describe) the complications you are having to deal with. I have to re-read your blog from the beginning to remember all of it, cuz i was still all jacked up on pain meds when i first started reading it and didn't know how to read a blog anyway, so I didn't know it was kinda backwards & I had the cushing's Stupids and would get all discombobulated & overwhelmed & forget where i was. Did i say i was still medicated, at that time. Well, I hope your New Year is Happy & Peace is with You.