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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

a smile hides a thousand lies

when you have a smile that lights up a room, people tend to always think the best of you. and i won't lie, i've got that smile. don't deny it, you've noticed that about me. it's one of my best features. actually, i think it's kinda gotten to be one of my worst...

i smile through everything. every blood draw. every iv.damnevery question unanswered. every diagnosis. every broken bone.
and it stems back further than cushings.
every heartbreak.
every liar
every abusive boyfriend

i smiled. i took it. i smiled.
i dealt with the hurt.

even now. well, maybe not NOW. but, recently. i've been smiling through all of it. and you're all so... WOWed by me. so, enamored by it all. so... Nicci's so strong. Nicci's such an inspiration. Nicci's so this, Nicci's so that. How DOES she do it?

 damned if i know.

and then... i go silent for a while. have you heard from nicci? i wonder how nicci's doing. is nicci ok?

go on. talk ABOUT me all you want. but ask ME how i'm doing? now why the HELL would you bother to do that? really? oh that's right. because i'm strong so i MUST be ok.


not at all. not in the least bit.

wanna know why i've gone silent? because... well... i've been drowning. i've been starving for air. i haven't been able to swim. i haven't had a life-preserver. my boat flipped over.

my friend said to me, why now? you've been struggling and endured for so long...

maybe that's the problem. two years is a long time to struggle and endure and to not really be getting anywhere. maybe i'm sick of being sick. or i'm sick of feeling like i'm being left in the dust. like i'm at a standstill and the world is moving on around me and i can't really go anywhere. my plane is circling and it just won't land. or maybe i feel like a failure. or that i will fail. i'm tired of being in pain. i've come to grips with my own mortality. i know that i could die. i know that this thing could kill me. i know this. i also know that i could end my own life. i know this. i've those thoughts have been eating away at my brain. EATING AWAY at it. but there's no guarantee that if i attempted it, that i would succeed and i wouldn't want to fail at that, too.

there's so much going on inside. so much that people don't know. so much that people don't seem to care to know because they don't ask!

no, you're right. i'm not going to tell you everything. but seriously, i'm sick. so ask me if i'm ok. don't assume that i'm fine because i smile. or because i'm strong. or because i've been so strong for so long.

i sit here and cry. and i ask YOU if you're ok. i sit here and i read on fb about your struggles and i ask if you're ok. or i read your blogs or i reach out. oh wait, i forgot, i'm the person that actually gives a shit. i don't know how to be a fairweather friend.

but let me tell you something about this past week. it's been the lowest of the low for me. i've never cried so much or hurt so much or just wanted it all to end. and randomly... people were reaching out to me. people who didn't know what was going on, people who i didn't really speak to, i heard from. and it was strange. and it really weirded me out. but i was touched by it. there was my lissa who just makes all the difference all the time and i don't think she realizes how much a difference she makes in my life. she's one of the most wonderful, most beautiful people i know and she is just... perfect. i save her text messages because they mean so much to me. i like to reread them, and usually they make me laugh. i got a nondrunk drunk dial from jen, just to tell me she loves me and was thinking about me. and then, there was the phone call yesterday. from my michael. now, i watched it ring, mainly because i love the picture that shows up (it's of him and i at his sister's wedding and we look fantastic) and the ringtone rocks= make it out alive by hanson. i can't handle talking to people on the phone because i just cry, i was out walking with my mom and sister and i didn't know why he was calling me. so listen to the vmail, and i was so touched, i cried. i had posted a picture on fb that said, when you're strong, no one asks if you're ok. my friend lori commented on it and asked if i was ok, i said no. and he called me. to see if i was ok. to let me know that he was here for me, to tell me that he doesn't talk on the phone (like me, i'd rather text anyday) and that he would be around his phone all night for me, so i would have someone and that i wasn't alone. seriously? who does that?

my heart soared. and pieced back together a little bit. now, i do have my amazing circle of friends who don't leave my side. but i've been so low i haven't been able to find joy in anything. and i mean in ANYTHING. i haven't cared about people, tv shows... nothing. i didn't even want to see my kidlets. and when that happened, i cried so hard because i love them to pieces.

maybe the sun is going to start shining. maybe. today i left my house. on my own. i ran errands without relying on someone else. i got my nails done. i didn't sleep the day away. yeah, i've been sleeping 16-18 hours a day. why? because that's all i've felt worth doing. i've felt completely worthless. and i know that i don't need people to make me feel like i'm worth something, i should be able to feel worth it on my own, but when you feel as low as i have, when your life takes a turn for the worst, when you're constantly faced with your own mortality and you feel forgotten about... yeah. it's easy to feel worthless.

and a smile? can hide a thousand lies.

so don't assume that i'm ok just because i'm strong. i may not be as strong as you think. or maybe i am, but it's dark. and scary. and this smile... try and see beyond it. because you're letting me down. and i'm drowning.

Friday, March 8, 2013

you left me for dead.

this shall be a venomous blog. so stop reading.

you left me for dead.

you saw me drowning. gasping for air and just let me go.

i reached out to you. held out my hand and you pushed me farther down into the abyss.

it's like i'm only good enough when i'm smiling, or when i'm healthy or when i'm ok. but godforbid i'm not ok...

and you KNEW i was having surgery and where were you? and i had TWO SURGERIES! i had to have an emergency second one because idk what happened but i couldn't stop bleeding from the first one and where were you? NOWHERE!!!

fairweather friends. you fuckin left me for dead.

or have we forgotten i have what's called, 'the silent killer'.

or have you just forgotten about me altogether?

and you... you guys are supposed to be my FAMILY. FAMILY. right. i don't even think you know what that word fucking means. because honestly? i have a girl here, who's not even close to being blood related to me, but she's more family to me than you will ever be. family my ass. i'm worthless? ha. if i recall correctly, i was there for you no matter what you needed, no matter what time of day it was, but wait, cole's getting sicker so let's ignore her cries. let's leave her for dead. because we're selfish fucking pricks.

and you know what? i don't care how much my words are going to be offending anyone. do you have ANY idea how much you've been hurting me?! ANY IDEA?!

i'm only good enough when i'm healthy. well fuck you. seriously. FUCK YOU. you know i'm sick. why is it my job to call you to say, hey. i'm fucking sick as hell and i'm miserable. can you ask me how i'm doing? how assbackward is that?

don't get me wrong, everyone has their own lives, i get that, but if i'm reaching out to you, WHILE I'M SICK, you could at least reach back. or not. because apparently i don't matter.

and YOU. YOU are the biggest fucking prick of them all! oh i love nicci. she's my best friend. i care about her so much. she does so much for me. she's always there for me. blah fucking blah. you're damn right nicci does so much for you. correction. she DID so much for you and where the fuck are you now superman? waste of 10 years of my fucking life. everything i did for you. my god. could you have at least tried to be there while i was scared to death? could you have been there holding my hand? could have been there encouraging me the same way i did for you all those years? oh wait, i'm sorry. it's not about you so why fucking bother. asshole.

go on. leave me for dead. alot of you are so goddamn good at it. selfish pricks.

i told you this was going to be venomous.

you have NO idea what i'm going through right now.

do you have ANY idea how scary that second surgery was? i couldn't stop bleeding so i had to RUSH to the TJH ER... RUSH 3 hours to an er... and we even had to pull off the tpk because i ran out of gauze pads! i had JUST been to the dr the day before and he cotorized me and said i was fine. welp, guess not! i was scared shitless! i already have a rare blood disorder, i have cushing's disease, was i dying? was the surgery not a success? what was going to happen to me now? yes, i was surrounded by an amazing medical staff and hott doctors, but still. i was scared. i had my dad with me, and my owl and an amazing person texting me until i made him go to bed bc he didn't want me to be alone. but i was scared.
but in the hospitals i feel safest because there someone can treat me. there someone knows my condition. there someone is gonna be able to fix me. the only reason i made them send me home is bc i didn't want my parents going broke by staying in a hotel. tjh is great but my dad couldn't stay in the room with me bc they are so small.

i had a few people texting me and my mom checking on me. and that doesn't go unappreciated. but there are still those who've left me for dead. and i shouldn't be mad at you. but i am. i think you are craptastic human beings.

seriously. i'm a great person. and if you don't see that, fuck yourself. i shouldn't let this bother me as much as it does, but it does.

i guess because i'd never let you drown. hell, no matter how much my ship has sunk, i've still reached out to you. because i'm not a shitbrick and i'd never let you die.

but that's ok. just let me die. but do me a favor, don't show up at my funeral. i don't want you there.