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Thursday, September 29, 2011

up and down and all around!

i did it. i survived my best friends wedding... with flying colors i might add!
not gonna lie, i have been freaking about about being in her wedding for months. will the bridesmaids dress fit? will i look ok for her pictures? is she really ok with the fact that im sick? will i ruin her day? will i end up in the ER? so many questions... such anxiety... but it was a beautiful day. she looked amazing. shes married and i survived. i danced all night.
after the wedding i had good days every day. i had energy. i was feeling GOOD inside. i was tired, of course... but i was finally able to do things. i even started driving again! it was great.
then the fighting between me and chris escalated... to the point we almost said goodbye... but we didnt. because when you love someone, you work things out. and we did and we are and it's fantastic.
my anxiety, over the past two weeks, has been at an all time LOW. i havent needed an ativan, ive been sleeping... things were finally starting to look up... and then we have last night.
Tuesday Chris and I babysat his twin brother and sister... mind you... I'm not too comfortable in that house right now, but I love him and those kids so I sucked it up. It was actually my idea to help out. Anyway, after a night of video games, pizza and baking, we brought them back to their house (next door). After they assaulted one another, and we sent them to bed, Chris and I got to watch DWTS... haha. I made him ;) All of a sudden, my chest starts to get tight, I'm having a hard time breathing. My skin is CRAWLING and I feel like I'm going to be sick... I forgot. They have a cat. A cat whom, everyone says doesnt climb on the couch... and how do we know this when no one is home? I saw the damn thing on the couch. So I take my itch pills, my nausea pills and I'm still feeling like crap. His parents come home and we leave. I take my cold medicine and I'm knocked the hell out. So I slept through the night. But? I woke up on Wednesday with a nice lil rash on my legs and my bag, skin crawling/burning at this point and still having a hard time breathing. Great. It doesn't hurt that they gave us their old couch which is COVERED in cat dander. No matter how many times Chris vacuums and sprays it... I still can't be around it. It sucks. I think now he finally believes me. He's seen the rash and heard my breathing. And last night? I didn't sleep at all. I was in so much pain that I was trying to deanxiety myself because I didn't want to take any pain killers bc I had to drive home this morning to go to the drs. So of course, I'm doped up on my anxiety meds now. Yay me. *smh* Some days I think I've almost got this thing beat and then WHAMO. This happens.
I hope he's going to listen to me now, and sell it or trash it or something. We're trying to move forward. It's not that I don't like the couch, its pretty, it's big, it reclines, it has cupholders... but it's killing me and keeping me from being there... :/

After the fight we had last week, not gonna lie, I was scared. I wasn't sure that the trust would be there, or the love but... man oh man... when people who love each other, who TRULY love each other, communicate their needs and in a non-hurtful way.... things are good. I'm totally loving being in a HEALTHY relationship. And having someone who loves me for me, in sickness and in health, and who's willing to stand by me no matter how bad my disease can get... he loves me. he supports me. <3 i cant wait to marry my best friend!

Friday, September 9, 2011

so much... but not enough

it's like it's a race. if i dont say everything that i need to say, ill forget... and it's true. my mind is constantly going, and it's not just on one subject... its marriage, cookies, television shows, grandparents, friends, work, painting, parents, medicine, pain, doctors... a little bit of everything and i cant stop. its hard to sleep at night, and i hate having to take the anxiety meds, but i have to.

meds. ugh. im so over them, its not even funny. but i need them to get by, and it sucks. sometimes the pain is so bad i cant even move. i dont know how to function.

and the lack of people in my life... sure i have like 600 facebook friends, but how many of those people do i actually spend time with or talk to? before i got sick i was out all the time talking to everyone and now... its like im afraid to leave my house. when im around people... it's like i dont know how to act... i mean dont get me wrong, im well behaved and i can carry on a conversation, but im so nervous and i dont know what to do. sometimes i just dont say anything because im afraid of what people will think. like i said before sometimes i talk so fast just to get everything out. other times my words slur. or i may just have no idea what the conversation is about.

i miss myself. the person i was, never afraid of anything, willing to take a risk and try anything once. i was a free spirit...

i guess that's what makes me nervous about marriage. i love chris, and know hes the one but it's like... this is it. im saying goodbbye to everyone else and am going to be with him forever. which is wonderful. were booking our venue tomorrow... but it's like... part of me never thought id make it this far, or find that perfect person... and here he is, through sickness and in health... i dont know... it's all surreal i guess... im turning over a new leaf... and he understands me, or at least tries to.

this talking thing though drives me bonkers. i really wish i could turn off my brain... but i just cant. a few days ago it was really bad. i cried alot. i just couldnt take it. my mind was racing and racing and racing and i couldnt focus, couldnt see straight, couldnt handle a conversation, couldnt handle life. so i ended up taking an ativan. took one before bed, and then i had to take one the next afternoon just to make it through the day. I HATE THAT

and im sick. apparently flu-like symptoms are a part of the recovery process. yay. sweating, cold sweats, chills, nausea, vomitting, headaches, muscle pain, joint weakness... yay cushings, but im getting better... so id rather be sick then going through more surgeries!

i do lead a pretty good life, aside from not being able to work and some days not being able to function... im alive, im in love and i have alot to live for :)

Friday, September 2, 2011

apparently i piss people off :)

but... i really dont care. if youre a facebooker, you've probably seen the "im x amount of weeks and craving whatever" status updates. apparently this is supposed to raise breast cancer awareness... HOW is that raising awareness? i dont see anything in there about breast cancer! what i DO see is that someone could be pregnant, and theyre craving something.... then they post just kidding! ahaha.. where was that funny? is it funny to those who can't have children? those who have lost children? those who have miscarried? i dont think so. but apparently i dont understand what a big deal breast cancer is. seriously? cancer is a big deal, people raise awareness for it all the time...

so what about me? what about those of us with cushings disease? what about those with mental health disorders? or MS? or cerebral palsy? spinobifida? are we raising awareness for those things? nope. why? because it doesnt affect as many people? it's still life threatening, dibilitating... but i guess that doesnt matter...

eff off. im sorry i didnt get knocked up at the ripe age of 21 and out of wedlock. you wanna keep preaching? go ahead. they who live in glass houses...

blahbitty blah blah kinda day

it seems as though today is going to be one of those days...

and when i say one of those days i mean, lets break every mirror in the house because were hideous kinda days. *sigh* this disease really did destroy my body and self-esteem. i used to be the girl who would look in the mirror and love who she saw, love what she saw and always always always felt good about how she looked and who she was. these days... it's a heck of a lot harder. i dont have the energy, the body, the face or the support that i used to. maybe now i have more support, or at least a different/stronger kind of support. but today... today i just feel icky.

i went to my oldest friends wedding, and when i say oldest i dont mean age, maybe i should say longest. anyway, chris and i had the time of our lives, but looking at pictures... i wanna be sick. its like, do i really look like that? it breaks my heart because i didnt realize how bad i look, and yet everyone tells me how pretty i am, and how great i look... but when i see that girl in the pictures, i dont see who i want to. i had a fantastic time, and im so happy for her. but seeing myself... i cringe. i hate that. i hate it. and it's like, how can chris look at me, and see the girl he fell in love with 12 years ago? he does. i dont know how, because i didnt look like this... and he says im just as beautiful, if not more than i was. and that he falls more in love with me everyday...

i just dont get it. i dont. i cant wait until i can say ive conquered cushings. because it sucks. it effing sucks. i try and love who and what i see but... some days are harder than others. today is that day.

and im so swollen from this weather, and salt and... blech. so it feels like anything i drink or eat adds a billion pounds. it doesnt, but i sure as hell feel that way...

itll get better. it has to.