From a text message. [9.12.17]

I was having a text conversation with someone about different writing styles and I brought up my blog. And a little piece of me kind of escaped. 

I've been going through some things this last year. With people. And it slipped out.

I really need to write a blog about what happened with the 'sister' I once had. No, not my actual sister. But the one who decided to take advantage of my family and then rip out their hearts. Because ya know, apparently that's what people do? Ya know. And I'm about to get heated and say things I shouldn't so I'm going to just let you read what's down there, take a breath and drink some coconut water. 

Btw, Goya and le fe agua de coco with pulp is freaking AMAZING! I strain the pulp out, but holy Hannah Montana Batman! This seems to be the only thing that can fix my stomach issues. Oh yeah, new dx. Yay me! 

Ok.

Here ya go.

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➡ Sounds like your blog is very positive. How long have you been doing it?

My response:

My blog is real. Is it positive? Most of the time. I just don't have time for bullshit. I call it like I see it. If I have a problem, I let you know. I don't tolerate being treated like shit. Or being taken advantage of. And if it's someone I can't talk to about it right away, I go to my private blog. The internet isn't for trash talk. Social media has turned this world into a place where bullies rule and it's not ok. I use the hashtag #TypeWithKindness a lot on twitter. Or try to at least. Our current person who lives in the White House has made it ok for people to suck. He's terrible.

I'm trying my best to develop a backbone. I have one, I'm just too nice sometimes and I care way too much. It's one of my worst character flaws. I'll break my back for people, and then I end up on the floor being stepped all over. But whatever. I'd rather help than hurt. And if people feel they need to take advantage? So be it. God put me here to show people love, and that's what I do. That's why I love social work. So many who don't feel loved, I can let them know they are.

I mean, I have a defense. I can throw walls up so high the birds can't fly over them, but I'd rather keep them down if I can.
But once they've gone up, it takes a hell of a lot to get them down.

I should just copy and paste this. Lol

Since 2010. I think. Maybe 2011.
It's not always consistent. I'd gone into a dark place and just stopped altogether. So when I did write, it was on my tablet, in a private journal. I didn't want anyone to know anything. I just wanted to be kept away from the world.

But now I'm back.
I'm here.
I'm living.
I'm alive.
I've chosen to stay. 

i'm more. not less.

what part of "i am not my illness" are you not comprehending?

no, serioulsy. i'd really like to know.

i HAVE a disease. IT DOES NOT FUCKING HAVE ME!

i don't know how many times i have to reiterate that effing point!

will there be days where i cannot get out of bed, were i feel lie complete and absolute garbage? yes.

will there be days where i feel as though i can dance in the clouds and sparkle stardust everywhere? FUCK YES.

more and more i am riding mothereffing unicorns and shooting rainbow darts at anyone who walks past me, but yall have to realize, when a bad day comes, IT IS NOT GOING TO LAST FOREVER! IT IS NOT GOING TO DESTROY ME! I WILL NOT LET IT!!!

have we not been playing this game long enough to not realize i own this shit? my crown has yet to fall, so stop acting like it's going to!

yeah. i can be in bed for a week. i get it. but stop making it out to be the biggest deal in the world! speak to me like a person. treat me with the respect i deserve. i'm winning this war. have faith in me. i've had faith in every.single.one. of you for all of your accomplishments, all of your battles, how about you do me a solid and do the same for me? i'm smiling through all of this pain. i am pushing for it. i wouldn't trade any of my good days for the shitstorms that follow.

so please. don't discredit me. when i tell you i can do something. stop telling me i can't. don't ever tell me i can't. don't tell me something is a bad idea. i know my body and my health better than any single one of you, i've proven that over the last 7 years, longer in fact. i know my limits. if i think i can't handle something, i won't do it. i'm not a moron. the more someone tells me i can't accomplish something or that it's not good for me or that i won't be good at it, guess what? i'm gonna do my damnedest to prove you wrong.

so do us both a favor, and either support me, or sit back and watch me soar.

you can either fly with me or you can get left behind. the choice is yours. [i really hope you choose the first one.]

i'm not writing this to upset anyone. i don't know how else to get any of it out. i'm so frustrated and so upset and so angry and just so... so tired of feeling like i'm less. because i'm not less. i'm so much more. i'm more than i feel i'm being given credit for.

so, i apologize if this comes off as harsh but, this is me. being real. and not breaking something.

Have you ever?

This started out as a private journal entry... but... then this happened. My mind just started going a bunch of places I didn't like tonight/2am so I thought I should get it out before I had a night like the last. We'll see if it works. I think I need to get back into the blogosphere. I can't let the dementors win. I just can't.

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Have you ever stopped to think about how much of yourself you've given up for other people? How much of yourself you've lost, parts of yourself you'll never get back, for your friends?

I have.

I didn't mean to.

But I am tonight.

So many sacrifices I've made these last 7 years.
Hell.
Much longer than that.
And what do I have to show for it?
Where are those people?
They only exist in my minds eye now.

Have they all forgotten?
Did I imagine all of it? Was it all a dream?
Because it seems as though I'm living in a nightmare now.

So many things I've sacrificed for myself
Experiences I'll never get back
Because it's too late
Not only am I by myself
But I'm broken
Beautifully broken
But broken nonetheless.

Life is harder now.

And the ones I moved mountains for wouldn't even pick up a pebble for me.

What kind of world do we live in
When friendship is about what we can take
And not what we can give?
When a friendship isn't a one-way street where you walk side by side,
But a race to see who can do better than who.

Why aren't we helping each other?
Lifting each other up?
And if this is a race
Why not run it together?

Why am I the only one still on the street?

My heart is aching tonight.
I wish you could understand.
But you can't.
You won't.
You never did.
You just wanted a savior.
A hero.
So that's what I became.

Until you struck me with kryptonite.

Like a Phoenix I rose.
And I'll continue to rise.

I just wish you knew.
You hurt me.
So
So much.

I gave so much for you.
Lost so much.
I don't know if I'll ever find those pieces.

Do I look?
Do I forget?
Do I try something new?
So many questions.
So much xanax.

Have you ever stopped to think? I have.