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Monday, October 31, 2011

a happier blog... sort of

so, yesterday, my friend mark told me i needed to smile. because it's not worth it to frown. and he's right. but im still feeling annoyed and angry. so i got a new mug today. and no one is allowed to use it

why? because this is how ive been feeling EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past few weeks. it's up and down and up and down. i have been working on things that make me happy... spending time with my sister, sleeping for more than 2 hours at a shot... im kinda lookin forward to the lil brats comin to the door in costume tonight. i like the cute ones, not the scary creepy slutty ones. i love halloween, it's a day to pretend to be someone you're not. im actually tempted to put on my eye patch, since i cant see out of my right eye anyway... why not be a pirate princess or something? i have horns too... oh decisions, decisions.

i keep getting asked if im going to write a book, and i think i might... it's just too bad i can't focus long enough to do it. but maybe... maybe this week ill start it. i have to start painting again. i need to get out of this funk, but all i wanna do is sleep. if im sleeping, im not having anxiety attacks. if im sleeping im not feeling sick. if im sleeping... im shutting out the rest of the world, and not allowing anyone to hurt me.

and people keep asking how im doing with the break up. honestly? im not sad. at. all. i kinda thought i would be. but, how can u miss someone who was never really there anyway? right? the relationship died long before we spoke the words. and im glad hes out of my life. him and his crazy family. seriously. creepers.

so yeah. today's been kind of a blah/bummy day. but id rather that then to be freaking out.

thursday we get the results of my mri. if u had asked me what i thought the outcome would be 2 weeks ago, id say radiation was successful. today? eh... im not so convinced.

what am i most looking forward to about getting healthy? moving to cape may. getting a house. with crabcake. or at least my own house. and he can have a room there. i can't wait to be healthy enough to get away from here and start over. and REALLY start over. fresh. clean. forget all the jacktards around here who do nothing but bring me down. seriously. so over the fake people. now only if they would get over themselves!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

some links

a cushie convention? hmm...

cushie info

what makes me happy

why not be pissed off today

i just cant seem to kick this angry thing. maybe the medication stopped working. maybe im just tired of it all. maybe im sick of people and their drama. or people being lazy.

ha. lazy. that's a good one. i love love loved it when people said i was just being lazy because i was tired, or i wasnt working hard enough bc i dont have a job. id love to have a job. IM FUCKING SICK YOU JACKTARDS! i really just want to... ugh... punch someone maybe? becuase there ARE lazy mofos out there, and i see them and wanna hit them. why? because i CANT work. i would love to be working, changing lives, making money and living a life. but i cant. until im cured. and whatever. fine. im still having a hard time accepting that though. like, why does this have to take so damn long? smh. oh well. whatever.

and today its like all the stupid people were out. they were too afraid to drive yesterday in all the snow, so theyre out today. one car was swerving all over the place, another almost ran someone over in the parking lot, another lady wasnt watching where she was going and almost sideswiped someone else. wth. its like everyone ate a big bowl of stupid this morning.

i feel like there was something else i wanted to bitch about, but for the life of me... cant remember. there's a shock.

and now i remember. im so sick of being let down by people. seriously. if you say you're gonna be there, THEN BE THERE! what about that concept is so hard for people to comprehend? if you don't have your word, you have nothing. seriously.
see if i make any more efforts on my part. im sick, yeah. but im always there. and i make an effort to be there, no matter what. my word actually means something.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

i sound like a pepto bismol commercial...

nicole, what kind of symptoms are you experiencing?
upset stomach, diareah, nausea heartburn indigestion, oooh pepto bismol...
apparently it wasnt as funny as i thought it was. but i laughed :) other symptoms you ask? sure ill tell you! dizzy spells, black outs, headaches, facial pain, back pain, numbness in my hands and feet, forgetting where i am, who im talking to, what im doing or where im going... itching, cysts, some acne, dry skin and i THINK my eyelashes are falling out... but im not sure about that one. and im not sure what kind of dr i go to for that... oh and the swelling, and bitchiness. my goodness. the incredible hulk is ready to come out... and she's coming out more and more... and randomly... *sigh* i kinda feel bad for those who get in my way, or on my bad side. i never really had a bad side. ive always been so optimistic and happy and, well, a doormat... not anymore :) one of the better things from being diagnosed. i dont take anyone's shit anymore.

on another note:
so, i thought these panic/anxiety attacks were getting less. and i guess they kind of are, during the day anyways... but last night. holy canoli batman! i was laying there, and my mind started racing, i started sweating, i could barely breathe and felt like the room was closing in on me... just as i thought i was starting to fall asleep. i didn't want to get up bc i was too achey and it was too cold and i was cozy under the covers, so i tried to breathe through it. that worked, the first time. and then i woke up again, 2 hours later, same symptoms, minus the sweating. and then two hours after that. and then four hours after that. some nights its so bad i just turn on the tv and listen to whatevers on to try and relax. *sigh*

oh, and theres a good chance ill rant/blog/post about the same stuff more than once. why? because i dont remember. and it sucks, but you're reading so i must be keeping you entertained.

Friday, October 28, 2011

touched by an angel

soo... i received a very much needed to hear message from my grandfather last night... mind you, he passed away almost 2 years ago...

things have been rough, im not gonna lie. it's become harder and harder to keep it together. im forgetting more. im getting confused more. im dizzier. im puffy again. im falling. im waking up more irritable. im cranky. i feel like my brain cant shut off. i talk in circles. im losing what im saying. im speaking incredibly fast- i do this in order to get everything out, bc if i dont, then i forget. im stuttering. speaking in chopped up sentences, im not even making sense sometimes. it's scaring the crap out of me... however, since the break up the anxiety attacks have been a little less. hmm... sounds like a PLUS to me! but yeah, it's hard to hold things together. and i just get so angry... i have alot of anger in me... and yet im happy. does that make sense? probably not. but. whatever. oh, and i love my support group. i really do. i have met some of the most incredible people ever there, and it's nice to have someone to talk to, who understands. my girls are fab.

so grandpa. right. so last night im in my room, saying my prayers and just thinking... and then i get the urge to try and find a birthday card for my friend who's dealing with his own medical baloney. so, i go to my bag of cards that my grandpa had given me when he moved from his house to the nursing home. the top card was one with a mermaid overlooking the earth... and if u know me, u know i love the ocean and that it means alot to me. so, i open the card to see what it says inside and who i can give it to... it read: treat yourself with kindness, listen to how you feel. wrap yourself in soft warm thoughts, for this is your time to heal.... wow. just... wow. thanks grandpa. looks like ill be keeping this one for myself.

its crazy. well maybe not crazy but, it was just what i needed to hear. its time to stop taking care of everyone else and to really focus on healing. i texted this to my girl last night bc i needed to tell someone and i knew she'd be up. she told me that was him telling me to ignore everyone elses drama, bc everyone comes to me with it. and my other friend says i always listened to my grandpa, so he wants me to listen now.

this whole cushings thing is alot scarier than i let on. i could die. that's pretty much it. i thought i was getting better and that radiation was working. did u see how hott i looked last week? no? ha. well...
i know right? and then today:
im all puffy and cushingy again. wth!!

im so frustrated! it's like... i have these amazingly wonderful days, and then WHAM. i get sick again. it's ridiculous. and the second picture isnt even the worst of it. i was a big ole puff ball on monday, but i wont show that shot to anyone. bc it bothers me too much. *sigh* theyre talking about putting me on a new medication to shut down my adrenals so ill stop producing cortisol. but of course, there are side effects. my moms been researching it like crazy.but the side effects, that ive read about, I ALREADY EXPERIENCE WITH CUSHINGS! so really... would it be that much different? i did tell my mom that maybe they should just take out my adrenal glands. if i dont need em, take em. what's one more surgery? one more pill? have i not proven that I AM A SURVIVOR, I AM STRONG AND I WILL BEAT THIS? smh. yeah it sucks. and yeah im angry. and yeah i wanna cry but... i dont let myself cry... i kinda feel like if i let one tear fall... i wont be able to stop.

my friend made me a cd, to help get me through everything... and this song just seems fitting. it's called 'stand in the rain' by superchick:

i highly recommend clicking the play button. but if you don't want to, here are the lyrics:
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

ok, back to me. i do lead a blessed life. and i am grateful for the friends and family i have- the ones who have stuck by me through it all and the ones who refuse to let me down. not everyone has family they can call friends or friends that they consider family. im one of the lucky ones. and i get that, i do.

IM JUST SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED! i just wanna scream, WHEN WILL I BE BETTER?! but like my doc said today: patience.

great. God has been trying to teach me patience, oh, idk, all my life... and its taken 3 brain surgeries for me to get the hint. *sigh* im workin on it...

Thursday, October 27, 2011


i absolutely fell in love with this song while i was in kohls today...

"Courage"- Orianthi

Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been
knocked down
It's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way,
But you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change,
And you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

they say not to give in...

dont give in to the darkness
stay strong
keep smiling
you are an inspiration
you're my hero

those are some pretty big shoes to fill. and it's hard. i won't deny it. i try to stay away from the 'sad' and 'depressed' emotions. they just don't work for me. id rather be upbeat... or lately... angry. id rather be pissed off then sad. apparently that's not the route to go. because then it all just builds and builds and eventually i cry and shut everyone out. i guess i feel like... if i let the sadness and the darkness take over, then im giving in. or that im letting others down, or that im letting myself down. everyone expects me to be positive all the time and to keep going, and i will keep going. i always do. and i guess before the cushings i would go and go and go and go... and now i can go and go, then i need to rest. and then i can go and go... and then rest. if i dont rest i feel like garbage, but no one seems to take that into consideration. and when i feel like garbage im more miserable. dont get me wrong, i like that people see me as a hero and an inspiration but... some days i need to take my cape off and be a human.

i really just wanted to crawl under the covers today and sleep the day away. i felt like there was a blanket of sadness/darkness falling over me. and i just wanted to let it take over. i just wanted to cry. and to be left alone... but no. i dont like it. i dont like feeling like that. so i sucked it up and went to walmart with csilla. who said to me, " its ok to cry. you don't have to be strong all the time"... THANK YOU CSILLA!!!! <3 i NEEDED to hear that. even though i got defensive and told her I had no other choice but to be strong, and then i thought about it... and eff it. i can go through the motions if i want. i dont have to be superwoman all the time.

so i went through the day, feelin kinda numb... and then i got lost. i thought i knew where i was going but... apparently not. thats what sucks about this whole brain surgery/cushings thing. the brain fog. while i was driving, i knew where i was going, and randomly... i had no idea where i was. and no idea how to get home. so... i took it in stride and just kinda drove around, enjoyed the changing leaves and fresh air and hanson, and found my way home. well... no. i didnt. i ended up going to mama z's house. she has an open door policy. so i knocked on her door and said, 'im here for the open door policy'. she wrapped her arms around me and i just cried and cried and cried. and it felt GOOD. there's no hug like a mama z hug. i talked to her. cried to her. laughed with her... then my boys came and had me rolling. just what i needed. those two are so cheerful. im blessed to have been able to work with them.

im still kinda... blah. but... this too shall pass. i wish there was a way to predict when these emotions were going to come on. or how long they were going to last.

id really like to scream...


but see... there are no answers. and i just have to deal with it. and maybe that's where my problem lies... i dont like not knowing... but... i used to love not knowing anything. i was a risk taker and whatever happens happens kinda girl. because i could. and now i dont have any other choice but to be that way... *sigh*

so... here we go again. time to suck it up. smile. and try to forget...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the girl in the mirror

it's not always easy to fall in love over and over again with the girl in the mirror. some days i think... i wish i was someone else. someone who didn't have cushings. someone who wasn't beaten by an ex boyfriend. someone who didn't always trust so easily and allow herself to be hurt. someone who doesn't always see the good in people. someone who doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve.... but then i think, would i like that girl? if i was that girl, i wouldn't be me. and... i kinda like me.

i have my bad days. my down days. the past few days, since saturday, it's been harder to smile. and i know it's the cushings, because this disease is an emotional roller coaster. and it's little things that trigger the tears or the frustration. yesterday it was the lawyer. and then... i dont even know. i was just so irritable. and it doesnt help when i wake up in a terrible mood. today, woke up happy. was fine most of the day and WHAM. it sucks. im not ashamed to say that im on anti-anxiety meds. i'm not ashamed to say that i need help... which is odd coming from me because i never would have asked for help before, nor would i have wanted to rely on anyone... which i still dont want to do.

one of the biggest things ive learned with this disease is that, well, u really can only count on yourself and family. well, some family. and a couple of friends. it's like niccis sick, so lets run away and then when she gets better come back. or, be there when i get sick and take off when i get better. how bout u stick around for the entire process? why can't that be who you are? like, i dont run. ive always been a ride or die kinda girl. and i still feel bad kicking people out of my life, the people who don't deserve to be a part of it. why? i dont freakin now. maybe because i want to believe that there is good in everybody? im pretty sure there is. i mean, not EVERYONE is malicious, rude, cruel, or out to get you, right? with everything ive been through its hard to trust and keep my belief in the good in the world. i always seem to trust the wrong people, because i wouldnt hurt someone or lie, so why would someone do that to me? it doesnt make any sense. but, everything over the past year doesn't make sense...

ive learned alot about myself though. im stronger than i thought i was. just because i cry doesn't mean im weak. it's not that bad needing people. it's scary because you have to trust that they're actually going to be there for you and you have to be able to rely on them... which im still not very good at. part of me feels that if i rely on someone, im a burden, or weak. but then i think, they count on me, so why cant it be reciprocated? ive also learned that bullshit drama doesn't matter. who needs it? im also sticking to my brutally honest truthful self. i dont sugar coat. i dont lie. if you want my opinion, and it's gonna bother you, don't ask for it. i can't help it. sometimes the truth does hurt. it's cliche, but thats life. so get over it. we all have issues, but if you're not going to better yourself and just want to complain, dont complain to me. and dont come crying to me about the same shit. especially when it's your own damn fault you're in the situation that you're in. it happens.

and then theres that whole some days i cant feel my legs or arms kinda thing. let me tell you how much fun that is... there's a reason it's called an invisible illness. no. im sitting down so how could you tell that i have no feeling? or all i have is pins and needles... smh. people.
*sigh* i dont know. it's a whirlwind. and it's my life. some days i dont know which way is up. but, there are better days ahead. and the more i convince other people of that, the more i am convinced myself.

Monday, October 24, 2011

what a journey

so... im 28 now. as of the 22nd and i got to spend an awesome birthday weekend with my amazing family. im telling u, im truly blessed.

i finally felt healthy enough to drive down to cape may BY MYSELF! it was exciting, i wasnt scared at all! there's just something about taking that trip that heals me... and i hadn't even gotten to the beach yet! such craziness... but i made it. :) and my cousins blew up my phone til i got there. it was so nice to be around my family.
and then the craziness of the ex happened. and i almost ended up going to the hospital. freaking cushings. my cortisol skyrocketed and i almost blacked out. i did collapse. that was exciting, but my cousins were there to take care of me. this disease sucks. stress makes me so sick. i get dizzy, black out, fall over, throw up... it's a good time let me tell you!
i ended up sleeping forever from friday- saturday. but i didnt wanna lose any time with my fam so i tried to need as little rest as possible... yeah, that worked. i ended up falling asleep crazy early on saturday. which i needed. and im exhausted today. exhausted, sore, cranky, headachey, nauseas... great day. but im meeting with the disability attorney later to appeal the denial... apparently im not 'sick enough'... yeah. that's because people know NOTHING about my flippin disease. oh well. im gonna raise awareness. we need to... i dont like that this disease is known as a silent killer. so not cool.

but i am blessed. and things are going to get better. they always do. and im not scared. Everything happens for a reason. and there's a reason I'm still here. I may not know why right now... but I will. He has a plan for me. whether it's to be a patient advocate, an event planner, a painter, a candle maker, a cushie awareness raiser, a writer... He has plans for me, and I'm excited to be on this journey, even though some days I just want to die, there are brighter days ahead.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

who knew? i sure as hell didnt...

well.. well.. well...

"there you go again, using your disease to get out of doing anything"

*sigh* this entry may be a little... heated? emotional? but not mean. im not mean.

im not gonna sit here and badmouth you. why the hell should i? i did NOTHING wrong. you on the otherhand... turned out to be some sort of two, maybe three, faced nutso. THANK GOD we didn't get married. why? oh... idk... because you're an abuser and so emotionally messed up... you tell me that the last girl u were with was crazy but... im thinking she wasnt as bad as you made her out to be and maybe your abuse did it to her.
and using my disease as an excuse? really? come on now. since when did u become so cruel? im glad its over. and im not sad. and part of me thinks that maybe it never was real to begin with. maybe i was in love with the person i created. the one i thought u were, the one i wanted u to be. sure, u come and rescue me. and then u appear perfect. and act perfect, make me ur priority and BAM. then u become someone i dont even recognize.
so no. maybe i didnt love you. did i care for u? sure. but i think, honestly, i was trying to prove to myself and others that HA! someone will love me sick and all! but... apparently that wasnt you.

but i realized something today. i dont have to prove myself to at all. and it's an amazing feeling. and once i realized that i dont need to prove myself, i felt this HUGE weight being lifted off my shoulders. i actually think i figured that out a few weeks ago... when i FINALLY cut the cord to someone else. when that cord was cut, i realized... i didnt need YOU either. i dont need to prove myself to anyone. why? because im freaking awesome as is and... if someone doesnt see that, then i dont need them in my life.

i am the 2%. only 2% of the worlds population will have this disease. and im part of that group of unique individuals who get to deal with this. i could be sad and cry, but i wont. ill smile and press onward. and keep kicking the trash out of my life. because i only deserve the best and im tired of settling. so i wont.

besides, i hear single nicci is a lot more fun!

and i deserve someone who will love me in sickness AND in health. who wont be intimidated by my independence. i dont NEED someone to make me who i am. i dont need a relationship to define me. ive never been THAT girl. i like who i am. and how i am. and i dont need anyones approval. and its amazing to be able to say that now.

i feel like there was alot more i wanted to say but, whatever.
im happy
and thats that :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

This video may be about cancer, but i think the song relates to all of us. Though we may appear strong and that we don't need you... we do.
but we also need you to let us know that you're not going to abandon us...

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, "I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

-martina mcbride

Saturday, October 15, 2011

feeling kind of lost...

so today was sucktastic, in EVERY sense of the word.

i was supposed to go for acupuncture but had an insane panic attack when we went over everything that could go wrong: bruising, bleeding, infection, dizzy spells, etc. yeah, cos i really wanna go back to the hospital...
so then i was mad at myself for having a panic attack.
then we went to old navy. and i saw cat. and said hello, bc well, i had to right? and it was awkward and made me madder. that girl really broke my heart. no, she wasnt my girlfriend, more like my best friend. and, well, i guess kind of like a boyfriend. no, we were never like that. ew. thats not me. i dont knock anyone who is that way, just not my thing. anyway. bitch broke my heart and i still felt the sting of that today.
then fighting with chris. again.
and i miss al. i do. in a few days itll be 5 years since his passing, and some days i think im ok, other days i miss him like crazy. i loved him. like loved him. and he's gone. and i know he's watching over me, and i know he wants the best for me and would want me to make good decisions and be the best i can be... but today... not easy.
and im mad. and im frustrated... so much to the point im physically ill over it.

and now... i find out one of my fellow cushies lost his battle... and it breaks my heart. i didnt know him, but i spoke to his mom. and shes wonderful. and i was telling her that things would be ok, and that hed be ok... but i was wrong... and it kills me...

and it scared me. maybe im being selfish but im scared now... it makes the possibility so much more real and... i dont like it. and i cant even think of what to say, because i feel so awful. and the one person i feel like i could go to with this is being a butthead.
and i hate talking to people about this kind of stuff. i always try and keep people at a safe distance so i dont rely on them or count on them so i cant be let down.
and when i want to need someone, i feel like theyre just tossing me aside.
so wth.

r.i.p mitch <3 keep watch over your family. they're beautiful.

Monday, October 10, 2011

feeling overwhelmed...

somedays... this disease makes me feel so completely overwhelmed... it's like, cushing's is so unheard of and so rare, that you'd think there wouldn't be anything on it... and then the more research i do... the more info i find and then im not sure if i should feel hopeful or hopeless? i mean... yay. we survive and there's a diagnosis... but the recovery... idk. maybe im annoyed bc i thought that i would be getting better! i didnt know that removing the tumor meant that NOW i would have cushings? i guess it starts with the tumor, and then once the tumor is removed it blows up then gets knocked down? im still confused. i try and wrap my head around it, and once i think ive got it figured out, i dont. it's kind of nervewracking to tell ya the truth...

and maybe it's unfair to the people in my life, because i want them to understand, but then again i dont. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. especially because of how painful it is and how hard it is to come to terms with. im in pain all the time. im an emotional rollercoaster. im irritable. i either dont want to be touched, or i need to be touched and held and cry. it's all... so confusing. sometimes i feel like im trapped in my own head and i cant get out... like it's a puzzle that's missing pieces...

maybe i need to get my puzzle tattoo with josh n george. well, who knows about josh. he's kinda up and down too... but we were gonna get it for autism, but i think it can relate to cushing's too... me and my crabcake... we are medical mysteries...

im glad i have my support system tho... thank goodness for facebook! some people think im crazy and i spend too much time on there, but that's where my cushing's support group is. that's where i have people who understand. and then i blog. and post pictures. and can keep up with family...

my family who is the absolute shiznit! i really don't think id be doing so well without them! they're hardcore there for me. it's awesome. i didn't think my sister and i would be as close as we are. anyone who knew us growing up knew we didn't get along, like at all. and now? i can't see having another best friend :) i can tell her anything and everything and we're there for each other. it's rather refreshing :)
and yesterday... totally got to see family i havent seen in 7 years... i had an anxiety attack the night before bc we hadnt seen them in so long and there was gonna be so many people but... it was amazing. and i had no attack and i didnt even take my anxiety pill! i forgot! it was GREAT! maybe it was because i was with MY family... i felt so at ease, so comfortable and so HAPPY. it's so hard to describe how great i felt... and we ate crap food ;) probably shouldnt have but... man oh man! pizza and wings and calamari and fries... so bad but so so good! it's back to healthy now.

speaking of healthy... starting tomorrow im cutting meat out of my diet, or at least im going to try to. my friend wants me to try a plant-based diet, a vegan diet... but im kind of afraid to throw my body into that kind of shock, so im going to try the vegetarian diet first. we bought hemp milk... its kinda funky but hopefully it helps.

hmmm... i guess that's all for now <3

Thursday, October 6, 2011

cushie secrets revealed... part 2!

caffeine: we all know it's good for our headaches. and cola is good for our belly aches right? but did you know that it also brings on the hot flashes? why not add fuel to the fire were already feeling! so what ive started doing is drinking caffeine free coke if i need to. and im trying really hard to stay away from  coffee... as an alternative for our headaches: place an ice pack at the base of your skull, or place a hot pack, or warm wash cloth across your eyes. i do this sitting up bc sometimes laying down makes them alot worse. and i try and stick to ginger ale... speaking of...

ginger ale: ive discovered Reed's Original Ginger Brew. It's an all natural jamaican style ginger ale. my mom found it for me. you get four bottles for 5 bucks at Giant. It helps. ALOT. It's expensive but does the trick.

Water Crackers: no taste, but they help. my stomach is always a mess and these seem to be the only things i can hold down. i love them. and when im feeling good, they're great with a nice cheese spread :)

cheese: cheese= migraines. so be careful

anxiety: ive been singing the alphabet song in my head when it gets really bad, or ill say the Lord's prayer... I also try and remember one of the happiest moments in my life: Novemeber 19, 2010... the day I met Hanson, they gave me a signed guitar and Taylor hugged me and told me he's glad im alive :) it may be cheesy to some, but i love it!

yuca root: i love \yuca and ya know what it's good for? inflamation and joint pain! <3 and it's like heaven in your mouth.

i also found this candy at Giant, in the organic section. I don't remember what it's called but, it's soy free, dairy free, nut free, gluten free CHOCOLATE! yay!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

beyond frustrated today!

really? disapproved? why? omg. seriously? i'm officially no longer working... submitted my letter of resignation bc 1. it looks better than being terminated 2. im too sick to work. and yet NOW disability is going to tell me im denied?
so, a life-threatening disease, a blood clotting disorder, not being able to function on a daily basis, being on 100 different meds, needing more surgery... thats not enough?

im a wreck. i feel useless... like i cant do anything. i want to work, but right now i cant. what am i supposed to do? someone please tell me! i cant appeal until i get the letter in the mail, which should be today. the last time i forced myself into work too soon i ended up getting sicker. i want to be able to pay my parents back, help my fiance, be able to freaking buy a pair of shoes if i want and now its like.. wtf. im not used to being broke.

i decided to look into our cell phone bill so i could lower it, but i cant bc he wants all the extras so... great.

and then we have our engagement dinner that my parents have been wanting to schedule, but since his mom and stepdad dont really care and dont really want this, my mom called her and they finally set something up. he doesnt seem to understand why im iffy as to whether or not it's going to happen. oh idk, bc i feel like ur mom doesnt give two shits? omg.

but i love his brothers. theyre wonderful. and his dad adores me, so i guess i shouldn't really worry. i keep putting out the olive branch, and trying and trying to spend time with his other siblings or be nice to his mom, but im starting not to see a point. it's like... how much more am i going to be expected to do? sorry, i dont ass kiss for anyone.

i love chris. more than anything in the world. we're a team. but sometimes, i feel like it's me and that i have to make him want to be a team with me, and that's not cool.

man... that phone call from disability this morning really has set me into a spiral. chris says control the cushings, dont let the cushings control you but... i dont know that this is the cushings. this fucking sucks. it sucks it sucks it sucks! and ive been sick every day for about 15 days now? yeah. i woke up at 3 this morning feeling like someone was stabbing me in the stomach. hopefully the dr im going to see today will set me up with a gastroentologist or however u spell it so i can get the help i need. we already know its not my gallbladder bc ive already had those tests already.

and the resignation... i cant believe it. im done. its over. no more working there for me. i loved my job. i loved helping kids and feeling like i was making a difference. and now? nothing. did i care about the people i worked with? yeah. like 4-5 people. the rest can suck my non-existant you-know-what for the way they treated me. i always bent over backward for everyone and its like, oh nicoles sick so lets abandon her. fuck you.

all of em. the friends who i no longer speak to because i couldnt be there like i was, because im sick, they decided that im not good enough?


*sigh* im just so flipping angry today! i want to scream! i cried for a good hour, but i dont know that that did anything except make the room spin. my mom already told me to try not to take any pain killers so ill be able to drive to meet her later. so im doing laundry instead. im washing all my blankets and sheets and whatever else i can find, just so i have something to do. some days i have the energy and can move around, other days i cant. yesterday i didnt do much of anything because everything hurt. and today, my heart hurts, not literally but u know what i mean. im an emotional trainwreck and it sucks.
i just want to run away and never come back. but i cant
i have no money
i cant physically do it.

hell, ovr came the other day and i was told i may not be blind enough for services. are u serious? how am i not blind enough? I HAVE ONE EYE. ONE. smh.

i think im just going to scream now.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

when will you realize youre worth something?

i just dont understand some people. you're gonna sit here and bitch about how your significant other makes you feel like you're worth nothing and that they dont care and blah blah blah... and yet you're a doormat because you've lost sense of who YOU are. you dont NEED someone else to define you, you need YOU. it's sad and i feel bad for my friends who are covered in foot prints. the ones who think they are garbage. NEWSFLASH, if u keep accepting the poor treatment, he/she isn't going to be the only one who's gonna not give a shit. you can sit here and complain and complain,  but if you're not willing to make a change, then why is anyone going to want to listen to you?!

ive always prided myself on being a good friend, a good support system, a good listener... but my ears feel like theyre going to start bleeding!

you sit here and you tell me your problems. and i listen. and i offer advice, and multitudes of people do the same... gotta love facebook... but if you're not going to take the advice, then shut up. you wanna be a convenience store. good for you. you wanna be a doormat? enjoy it. BUT STOP CRYING WOLF. dont you remember the story? eventually no one believed him anymore. if you're set on making a better life for you and your children, stop being a baby and flipping do something about it! i am so sick of it. do you want your kids to grow up in a house with constant fighting? or one with love? because let me tell you... LOVE should be your answer. but godforbid you do that.

i just... the whole thing makes me incredibly sick to my stomach. and im ready to stop listening because it breaks my heart to see one of the most incredible people i know take this garbage....

and im addressing more than one person in this so if you're reading this, and you think it's about you... it probably is.