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Saturday, September 24, 2016

its a great day to be alive

it's a great day to be alive. you know the sun's still shinin when i close my eyes.

i honestly can't remember the last time i've felt so good.

like... that i've been excited to be alive.

i wake up every morning and it's not like, ugh. i'm alive.


it's like. IM ALIVE!!!!

i have survived the night and thank you Jesus for letting me see another day! i am so blessed to be living in this world, even though we are going through some trials and tribulations, i am so blessed to be Your daughter and I am so blessed to have woken up this morning to live to see another day, to live, to breathe, to inspire.

i may not have figured out my purpose yet, but i am going to wake up every day and be excited about figuring it out!

it hasn't been, ugh. i'm alive. another effing day to get through and deal with shitty people. who do shitty things. and try and fight my way through the darkness. through the muck. the slime. the quicksand.

i'm not crying nearly as much.

i still haven't found my patronus. but the dementors have stopped bothering me.

i'm writing again. which is  a beautiful thing.

i'm also letting things go. i'm not getting as worked up about as much. i'm learning that sometimes it's best just to keep scrolling,.

no one really knows my business unless i post it on facebook. am i sick? have i gotten a terminal diagnosis? has my vision gotten worse or better? does anyone know the answer to that?

nope. not really.

unless you're one of the few who actually take the time to have a conversation with me.

i'm also not settling.

i don't do the no respect thing.

like, i mean, why? yall know we deserve to be respected right? we aren't pieces of garbage, right?

i hope if you're reading this you know how important you are, that you're worth it and that you're enough. you're wonderful, you're beautiful and you should never settle for second best. ever.

oh. and sidenote.

i'm watching my girl. after every first kiss, from now on, we shouyld recite the pledge of allegiance. that's just the way it should be. from now until the end of time.

and if you don't understand why this happens, then either you're too young, or just not educated enough.

and now thomas jay is going to get stung by the bees and my life is gong to be changed. again. so the tears are going to start falling and here goes the end of my happy day.

damn those bees.

i'm going to have a separate post about death and heartache next month.

but back to the amazingness that it YOU. that is US.

i know how hard life is. life is one of the most difficult things to survive.
and our demons? the dragons? the dementors? they are so hard to fight sometimes. it would be so much easier to give up.

and when you're fighting an illness, forget it. especially when there is no end in sight. you get tired of being sick. tired of being tired. tired of the pain. tired of losing the ones in your support system (because they gave up their fight or their illness got to them first), or your friends and family got tired of your fight and left you.

being sick is not an easy task.

none of this is.

depression is hard. being sick is hard. having an illness: emotional of physical is hard.

but that just means we need to be stronger. fight harder.

be dragged into the muck and the slime and the darkness and look for the vine, the tree branch, the sunshine and pull ourselves out of it because no one will pull opurselves out of it.

this is a battle that we must fight on our own.

it's one of the shitties things at could ever happen to any of us.

but it's ours.

we can win.


people need other people.

on october 2, 8 days from now, i'm leading  a team for the Out of The Darkness walk for the Association For Sucide Prevention.

All of the funds raised from this walk will go toward putting suicide prevention programs into schools.

We can raise funds until December. I have $175 left to go for my personal goal. Our team has about $300 left.

Would you mind helping us raise that money to get us to where we need to be?

here's the link:

If every person who reads my blog, or every insta follower I have, every twitter follower, every facebook friend, donates just ONE DOLLAR, we would have our goal met and then some!!

We all have no problem donating to a cause for someone to get a vacation, or new tires, or fake breasts, but when it comes to sucide prevention, people just turn their heads.

Please don't be that person.

I have been sharing my story with you for 5 years now. We're like family.

Please donate at least $1.

help me help others.

we can all make a difference.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

people need other people. x6

are we about to lose our shit?

oh no. i think we're way past about to. i think its already been lost.

im so sick of everyones shit.

so sick of the whining and the bullshit and the drama.


do you not realize that there are real problems in the world that are bigger than how big your fucking ring is?
how many selfies you can post on instagram or facebook?
how many bad things you can say about a person?

am i the only one whos been paying attention to whats been going on in the world? around me?

am i the only one who has realized that...

im dying?

that im crying?

that the silence in my world is so loud its deafening?

or that im screaming so loud that no one can hear me?

is that whats been happening over the past few years? is that why youve decided to treat me like shit?

is it true that i remind you of whats wrong in your life? that i remind you of your downfalls?

is it true that im not actually a burden to you, that youre really a sucktastic human being and im really the awesome person that ive always been and your true colors are finally coming out?

is that whats happening?

you do realize its been six years, right?

and you all have lied to me at one time or another.


i mean.

we have those of you who are in the pictures at the beginning of the album. who promised to stay. who never faltered.

but as the days and weeks and months went by, you stopped coming and stopped calling and stopped responding.

and the cys people were cuntbags so there was that. because, ya know, my posting about having a bad day and being in pain and having a boyfriend who cheated on me was my posting about hating the people i loved the most. because that makes sense. right?


and then you have the people who sent cards who stopped sending cards.

and then you have the people who showed up about two years in. because they thought i was finally getting better. but when they saw i started to decline and then i was no longer of value to them because nicci didnt drink. nicci couldnt karaoke. nicci couldnt drive their drunk asses home anymore, nicci was worthless.

so theres them.

and then you have those who just went away altogether. my illness was just too much anymore. they were sick of me being sick.

uhm. hello!!! do you not think im sick of that too?

or the people who can find time for boyfriends but not for me. because that makes perfect sense. because dicks before chicks. obvi.

and then there are the people who say they care and then they dont. theyre on your facebook. they friend you. they send you event invites when it benefits them so you can buy them stuff. they only spend time with you when you have money and you can pay to do things. god forbid they spend time at your house and you watch a movie or you have conversations. because... you know... youre sick and disabled and you dont have an income like people who work and who are healthy.

do you know who i have in my life?

if you can name yourself as one of those people that you think i would name right here, good for you.

but if you question whether or not i would write your name, we might have a problem.

more than likely we do.

why do you treat me this way?

do you have any idea how dark it is being alone for 12 hours a day? any idea at all?

what its like to be alone, to not be able to drive or to go anywhere or to have anyone to sit with you and have a conversation with you or tell you youre worth it or that they want you to stay or that you matter or that your life is important or that you should not kill yourself?

do you?

do you know what its like to sit on hold with a suicide hotline for 10 minutes and then hang up because youre still on hold and then fight with yourself and try with all your might to give yourself reasons to hold on?

because ive been fighting with myself. for weeks now.

and its just not getting any easier. it did. but then today happened and were back to the beginning.

but thursday is coming so i will keep fighting because panda is coming so i will until then because he will be here. and at least i will have a friend that i can cry with.

i have had a friend crawl out of the wall over the past few days. not sure why, but i believe God knew i needed him. ive been blessed to have someone to talk to and open my eyes to a new way to view my life and the way people are and to a new way of thinking.

i havent been this angry in quite some time.

i am stressed beyond belief.

i just want to punch someone in the teeth.

im sick of being taken advantage of. of people making me feel guilty.

of people doubting my abilities. just because i am sick does not mean i am not longer me. i am still a star. i still shine. i am still an individual. i am still capable of doing things myself. just because i cannot do everything i used to, does not mean i need to be constantly treated like i am 6 months old. people need to start having more faith in me and stop treating me like i am going to die tomorrow.

how can i live if im constantly being treated like im already dead?!

and i think thats why more and more i want to just end my life.

if everyone treats me like im already dead. then what exactly is the point of me living? if im just a ghost wandering through your lives, would my absence even matter? i mean, what good to i do for you? i dont add anything to your existence. i dont matter to your life.

you just say you know the sick girl.

and please. dont attend my funeral because you havent been around during my present.

that would piss the shit out of me off.

that sentence made no sense but you get my point.

and again, no. i am noy going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

it wouldnt be fair to my cousin whos far away right now if i didnt say goodbye to him, since he seems to be the only one whos actually taking the time to be there for me, even when he cant.

please stop being so caught up in yourselves that you forget about the people around you.

people are hurting.

the world is a scary place.

people need other people.