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Monday, March 19, 2012

who are you? seriously... who?

ive been hearing for quite sometime... 'i can finally be me again'. so if you're not you, then who are you? what made you become someone else? is the time for revamping yourself due to not liking the person you've become? what makes you who you are?

so i got to thinking... who AM i? what defines ME?

i know i started to not like the person i had become. there is no denying that. i became cold hearted, numb, stopped feeling... to me it was easier to not feel anything at all, rather then dealing with my emotions. and then i got sick. and had brain surgery and cushings and had my whole world get flipped. going blind, gaining weight, surgery after surgery, radiation, allowing myself to get involved with shitty people, possibly not being able to work... sitting around all the time reeeeeeaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyy gives you time to self-reflect. and i do, all the freaking time! it's given me time to reevaluate relationships, friendships, my life... the life i had led prior to being sick, the life i was attempting to live and the life im living now.

so... who am i?

im a daughter. 10.22.83 i came into this world to two awesome parents. they support me, believe in me, encourage me, fight for me, listen to me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, inspire me. i hope that one day im able to love the way that they do. i dont know if i ever want kids, but if i do, i hope im half the mom that my mother is.

i am a sister. the oldest of three. and i absolutely love them to pieces. they complete me. some laugh and say that your family cant be your closest friends, or your best friends... but i beg to differ. we love each other. we support each other. we pick on one another. we fight. we argue. but no matter what, we love. and that's the most important thing. love. it fixes everything.

i am a cupcake. i am sweet, i am fluffy, i make people feel good.

i am a best friend. i am a support system. i have a support system.

i am green. i am crazy. i am obsessed with parade day. not so much st patricks day, but the scranton parade. which always brings a smile to my face, and to anyone who has the privilege of being with us at the parade. we just like to smile. we like to love life. we dont care that we're grown. we're fun. and that's awesome.

i am wild. well, WE are wild. and i love wildwood. and cape may. and north cape may. i love the beach and the ocean. it's just so healing...

i am a princess. and i wear my crown proudly.

i am strong. i am a fighter. i will fight until i cant fight anymore. life is too short to give up on. so dont.

i am a tigress. i may look like a sweet an innocent kitten... but trust me. i WILL rip you to shreds, and i WILL NOT feel in the least bit bad about it. i believe in honesty, no matter how brutal. but i can also be the sweet and cuddly kitten. it all kinda depends on you.

i am part of something incredible. with someone incredible. i love my cousin. no one quite gets me the way he does. and im so blessed that our hearts beat together. always. forever. no matter what.

i am the freshmaker. because im always so fresh, so clean. and im a blast in a glass. and he's my hero. or the swagg doctor. not everyone understands our weirdness or why we do what we do, but WE understand each other and WE understand our craziness. and that's what matters.

i am a domestic diva. i love to cook. i love to bake. i love mixing drinks- just because i cant drink, doesnt mean i wont make you fall on your ass :)

i am a dreamer. a lover. a fighter. a survivor. a princess. a sister. a daughter. a cousin. a friend. a best friend. a girl who takes too many pictures of her dog. im messy. im clean. i clutter. i wear make up. i dont wear makeup. i play dress up in my closet. i like the ren faire. im a fanson. im blind in one eye. i have cushings- cushings doesnt have me.

i like to laugh. i like to smile. i like to love. i like to make people feel better about themselves. i like knowing that i make people smile. i like random acts of kindness

i have an addiction to office supplies. i love going to target and buying $1 note cards to send to people. i like arts and crafts. id rather make my own hair accessories than buy them. i love animal print. i like wearing dresses. i hate wearing pants.

i wish it could be 72 degrees year round.

some call me an inspiration. some call me a hero. i call myself Nicci, or Cole.

i believe in love. oh yes i do! love can cure ANYTHING! maybe not financially, but a life in darkness is no life at all. id rather surround myself with love and light and happiness and laughter. why be miserable? what good does that do for anyone? NO GOOD AT ALL.

i dislike people. oh yes. i have a LIST of people who could get run over by a rhinocerous and i wouldnt shed a tear. id laugh though, alot. haha. the sheer image just brought a smile to my face. haha. im sure that sounds bitchy, but just as i wouldnt mind seeing footprints on their faces, i know there are people who would LOVE to see me fail. or get run over by a rhino. and that's ok. because guess what? IM NOT A FAILURE

im sick. it's true. i have cushings disease. and yeah, it's kinda come to define me. but that's ok. im sure people are sick of hearing about it... but heres the thing... i really dont give a shit. this is important to me, cushings disease awareness. its such a rare disease, and life threatening- people need to KNOW!
i have good days, bad days. days i cant breathe. days i cant leave the bathroom.days where i want to allow the darkness to swallow me whole. but... it is what it is. and im here. and im alive. and im thankful for that.

im tall. some say im too tall, but whatever. im tall enough.
im chubby. whatever. it wont last forever. as soon as i get better. BAM back to my skinny clothes

im spiritual. i believe in higher powers. i believe in healing yourself. i believe in magic.

i believe in the power of a smile. that it CAN heal a wounded soul and that MORE people should do it.

I CANT STAND COMPLAINERS! shut the fuck up. if you dont like the way your life is going DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! no one is gonna do it for you.

im not slutty. i refuse to spread my legs for random hook ups. or even guys i know. sorry. i have more self-respect for that. some people think im strange because im perfectly content NOT having sex and sleeping around. yeah, im 28 but why should i risk an STD or a pregnancy or even my self-worth? what the hell? im better than that.

i dont drink. i cant. ill die. simple as that. and that's fine. im thoroughly enjoying living this sober lifestyle. besides, give me some caffeine and im the woogirl all over again! i get a kick out of watching drunk people. sometimes, i think, omg... was i that bad? and no... i wasnt. i just made some poor life decisions... which is ok. because those are just lessons learned. i was a borderline alcoholic. and i see that now. and id never want to be that way again. i fell into awful relationships when intoxicated. but... i was also a ninja. and i could sing. well.. i thought i could. but i dont need liquid courage. im just gonna be courageous as is.

i have problems. we all do. and that's ok. its all just how you handle them.

i have ptsd. i have an anxiety disorder.i have insomnia.

i am all those things listed above and then some. but you know what? i wouldnt wanna be anyone else.

Monday, March 12, 2012

so you like it raw, do ya?

there's a lot hidden behind my smile. A LOT.

i dont like to cry because i feel like that makes me weak. you can cry. you can cry for you, you can cry for me, but don't expect me to. i just won't. maybe one day i will, but not now. and ive been told that trying to hold it all together for myself, and for you, and to constantly help others, is a big responsibility, but it's one that i don't mind having.

you dont look sick

and that's true. right now, i dont look sick. im feeling better. smiling more... but i am sick. and i have limitations. respect that.

i have some secrets. i think. maybe i dont. but i know you don't see everything. and i know that i shouldn't be ashamed.

so im letting it go.
i am going to let you in. im going to 'go raw' for a second. so... if you feel you can stomach the next few images... be my guest.

2004 i think. no, yeah. 2004. mini skirts, tube tops, no makeup, big jewelry. late nights with incredible people. not a care in the world. beaches. concerts. love. laughter. liquor.

2007. pretty dresses. summer romances. love. laughter. liqour. a boyfriend who used to hit me. degrade me. to the point where i tried to drown myself in our bathtub a few days after this photo was taken. he called me a whore. he told me i was worthless. and i believed him.

2009. love. laughter. liquor. green. lots and lots of green. friendships that would last forever. a best friend who would help me rediscover my selfworth. learning to love myself, and respect myself and learn that i deserved more... but still not accepting that kind of love from myself...

2009, again. broken hearted.... coping skill? sex. alcohol. kissing people i dont necessarily remember. poor life decisions. but dancing. lots and lots of dancing. and spending time with people who actually cared. who didn't want to watch my world fall apart. people who saw the downward spiral i wanted to embark on and wanted to save me. who helped me save parts of myself. but still... the self-love and self-respect had dwindled. i had dwindled. i had lost my independence at one point, my ideals and continued to try and convince others i was ok. i wasn't. my heart was in shambles and i didnt know how to put the pieces back together.

2010... big is beautiful, right? the weight just kept on coming. excerise did nothing. diets did nothing. the boyfriend did a whole helluva lot of nothing, except make me feel bad. or get drunk with me. or sleep with me. coping skills, sex, alcohol, the beach... but i smiled through it all. i knew i was making bad decisions, but i had accepted that. and accepted my life in a bad relationship. i accepted his cheating. his drug use. his emotional abuse. he never hit me. hed buy me im sorry jewelry. hed take me to the beach. i knew it wasn't love. i had given that up a long time ago. hell, he even pointed it out to me that i didn't love him, but i didn't care. i was numb. numb to life. numb to people. and most of all, numb to myself. who needs feelings?

2010. we all know this picture. my mom hates this one. but whatever. im lucky to be alive. my life needed some drastic changes. and part of me feels like that's why this happened. a wake up call. a new start, literally since my memory is shot and i woke up a semi-new person.

2010... my office never believed me. they thought i was making my headaches up. said i was using them as an excuse to go to the beach or skip out of work... believe me now?
and that's exactly what i said as i pulled my scarf off of my head that day. they had made fun of me, cracked jokes. made me feel like i didn't matter and that maybe i was going crazy. but i wasn't crazy. i had a life-threatening illness that no one wanted to pay attention to, because, in my mind, no one cared enough to listen. so maybe i was crazy... maybe i wasn't good enough. maybe i should have died under the knife. maybe i was as worthless as people were telling me i was.

but im not. and i never was.

the end of 2010. semi-shaved head. lazy eye. lots of pain, emotionally and physically. smiling. i said goodbye to the worthlessness. because im here. i didn't quite know why, but there i was. alive. breathing. smiling. loving. and learning how to love myself. trying to rediscover myself. and taking out the trash. no more negative people in my life. no more lies. no more manipulation. NO MORE. i wanted more smiles. more laughter. more love. more serenity. a cure. stronger friendships. a stronger me.

2011. radiation. a cure? maybe?
lies. manipulation. accepting less than i deserved. see how it says bride on that shirt? yeah... i should have said no. my heart was saying no. but my head was saying, yes. my head was saying do it. why not? someone loves the sick girl. you might as well take it.
and i did. and then we broke up anyway. because he didn't like me being sick. but i didn't like him getting mad at me because i had an opinion. i regained my independence. i have a mind of my own. i will not be silenced. i will not let you walk all over me. and i didn't let him. and he didn't like that he didn't own me. and so it ended. and i cried a little bit. but not because i missed him. or because i loved him. because i lied to myself and tried to convince myself that this is what i deserved. and i didnt. i dont. im strong. i am beautiful. this is me.

2011. happy birthday to me. i smile because i want to. i smile because i like to. i smile because i can. i have a brain. i have opinions. i have self-worth. i have self-resepect. and you are NOT going to take that away from me. ever.

2012. i feel good about who i am. where ive been. what ive learned. what im still learning. who matters, who doesn't.
coping skills: blogging, walking, painting, napping, curling up with my dog, enjoying positive people.  laughter. lots and lots of laughter. my family. my REAL friends. twitter. love. lots and lots of love.

but i still have secrets. or scars. or battlewounds. and i dont show them off. but im going to. right now. so stop reading if you dont want to see these. and i wont be ashamed. its not like you can see them through my clothes. but this is what i hate. or i did hate. because i felt i would be judged. but im not.

and i was told, today, i think you're beautiful.
even with my tiger stripes.
and that means something.

so here we go...



that, my friends, is what you call stria. cushings patients don't get stretch marks, we get stria. self-conscious much? you betcha. im greatful that these are on my stomach, on my sides, under my breasts, places that i can hide, that i can keep hidden. that i was keeping hidden, until now. they're painful. they're itchy some days. they're deep. i took these pictures with my phone, but some of them are so thin, like translucent, that you can see my veins pumping blood. pleasant right?

but you dont look sick.
are you sure?

i dont know why i chose today to be the day but... it is. and im showing you.

i told you there was alot hidden behind my smile.

but every tigress needs some stripes right?

done being ashamed. done caring. just... done.

i am beautiful. i am a fighter. i am loud. i am opinionated. im friendly. im empathetic. i tell the truth. i still want to save the world. i want to make a difference. i want to make a change. and i will.
just watch me.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

i dream in color

so... yesterday i had some energy healing done, by one of my longest friends, mom. and another lady, but i dont remember her name. i love energy healing. it was wonderful. i literally felt all of the bad just being pulled out of me. i recommend reiki/energy healing/crystal work/ spiritual guidance to anyone and everyone.

ive been dealing with alot and have been doing some soul searching. ok, alot of soul searching, and it's really incredible what you can find out about yourself when you just listen. stop thinking/overthinking. and just listen. let yourself go and just... be. it's a beautiful thing.

ive started carrying my rocks/crystals again. i have a little bag that i keep in my purse consisting of:
bloodstone: which promotes harmony within
tiger eye: which promotes balance
carnelian: (my favorite) courage
moonstone: emotional control
obsidian: cleansing negativity
green adventurine: regulator/healer of the heart
amythest: spiritual awareness
garnet: inner strength
sodalite: inner peace
hematite: grounding/ calming anxiety

i also carry around a fish and a raven.
my native american spirit guide, i believe, is a fish. the fish symbolizes adaptability, flowing life and success. the fish also gives off positive energy- which i have, all the time :) and the fish also doesn't feel the need to conform...

my zodiac is the raven. and the raven symbolizes self-awareness, carries healing powers, and empathy. the raven is able to empathize with others, understand their wants and needs. the raven is also good with matters of the heart, and people tend to come to a 'raven' with questions and seeking advice. the ravens gifts are also courage and honor, and seeks to always discover and represent the truth.

i... dont remember what i was gonna say. crap. *sigh*

oh yeah. i also light white candles. and pray. ill talk to the angels, talk to my ancestors, ask for help, give praise, give thanks... idk. there's just something about those candles that really put me at ease. and they're not special candles. just plain white votives from the dollar store. i guess its because white symbolizes purity and clarity, so i feel cleansed afterward.

i also absolutely LOVE burning incense. my scent of choice is 'nag champa'. it's an auric energizer, helping bring your energies into harmonious balance. and the smell... absolutely beautiful. i love that my room wreaks of it right now, it's just so pretty, and ill rub the nag champa oil on my temples and it helps clear away my headaches. lori uses it on me whenever she comes to reiki me. i love when she comes. i always feel better, and not just because of the reiki, but because she's an absolutely wonderful earthangel :)

so anyway. the whole dreaming in color thing. i already said that i had gotten some energy healing done yesterday, right? well... last night... i had this crazy dream. and i was laying down. with a purple blanket over me... but i was floating. idk what was going on... but i was in the air. and around me were colors. bright colors. shooting out of my fingertips. purple, purplish blue and green. there was also a little pink here and there. and i had a glow around me. i didnt quite understand it.
and then another part of my dream, i saw these people, who i wont name, but theyre pretty awful and ive been angry with them for quite some time, and even the girl that was in my dream- it's a new anger, but in this part of my dream, they were walking away from me with a green light surrounding them. i was sending them away in green.
now green's my favorite color, but i didn't quite understand it. when i woke up i was kind of out of it, but i felt like i needed to do a little bit of research. so i researched the chakras... and not much to my surprise... the colors really represented ALOT.

i used this website : to do my digging.

Crown – 7th, Seventh Chakra

Color: Violet
Musical Note: B
Location : Top of the head
Parts of the Body: The brain, The nervous system
Endocrine Gland: Pineal Gland.
The Crown Chakra is located at the very top of the head. This Chakra is associated with devine wisdom, our spirit, our Oneness with the Universe, our Unity with all that is, and Enlightenment.

Third Eye (Brow) – 6th, Sixth Chakra

Color: Indigo
Musical Note: A
Location: Central Forehead
Part of the Body: Carotids, Temples, Forehead
Endocrine Gland: Pituitary Gland
The Third Eye Chakra is located in the center of the head behind your eyebrows. This Chakra is related to our ability to perceive clearly. Intuition, insight, and imagination are also associated with this Chakra.

Heart – 4th, Fourth Chakra

Color: Green
Musical Note: F
Location: Center of Chest
Part of the Body: Heart, Circulatory System, Lungs, Chest. Cardiac plexus
Endocrine Gland: Thymus Gland (controls the immune system)
The Heart Chakra is located at the center of the chest and is associated with love and understanding, limitless compassion and empathy and forgiveness.

how freakin nutty is that? but it makes COMPLETE sense. i was sending people away in green... because im sending them away with forgiveness. im letting it go. im letting THEM go. im letting go of all the hurt, the lies, the manipulation, the negativity... all of it. goodbye and good riddance!

so, the third eye chakra... pituitary gland? cushings... pituitary... intuition... imagination... coincidence? i think NOT!! :)

im trying to be open to new things, ideas and healing treatments. and ive always been told that i have healing hands... im looking forward to getting better, learning reiki and helping others. though i kind of do my own healing for myself and others, but that secret stays with me ;)

im looking forward to the 17th, though. i signed up to take an angel therapy class. my mom is supposed to be taking it with me, but well see. im excited. i love learning :) i may not have been the smartest in school, well, i was i just didn't apply myself like i could have... but when it comes to new experiences, im always open!

i dont remember where i was going with all of this but... stay open-minded. do some research.

hope is never lost <3

edit: ok. so i just did MORE research on that website... and holy hanna... can we say DEAD ON!! holy guacamole!

that is all :)

Friday, March 2, 2012

just smile through it

what a long, strange trip it's been...

sick, oh so SOOOOOOOOOO sick the past, what, almost 4 weeks now? yeah... actually.. almost 4 weeks to the day! *sigh* i had 3 good days in a row though, so.. that's a bonus, right? i just need to get better by Friday so I can spend the weekend with my Parade Day crew... it's going to be our 5 year anniversary next weekend, and I don't want to miss out! it's the one day where i can forget that im sick, dress up in crazy clothes, make a fool out of myself and spread some cheer! not that i dont try and spread cheer wherever i go but... i dont know. there's just something about dressing up in green and smiling and laughing and being surrounded by love that just does something for a girl! it doesn't hurt that last year people wanted to take pictures with me because i looked like an irish fairy. haha. and the first year we went we won a photo contest for our awesome attire and personalities. :) i wouldn't have changed a thing.

it's especially nice because that's how kristina and i got to be so close. all because of job training! haha. i asked her if she knew about the parade and she said, you're staying at my house, and thus began one of the greatest friendships i have. whenever we get together its like we never seperated, and that's such a blessing. friends like her are few and far between.

just like my wifey. i swear, she's like one of the best rainbows in my storm. she always knows what i need, when i need it. when we get together it's like we never left college. she came to my grandfathers funeral, always stood up for me, and always stood by me no matter what dumb decision i made and she always makes time for me, no matter how crazy our lives get. im truly blessed. seriously.

so back to the whole being sick thing. it really sucks. but, ya know how im always preaching positivity? i think i need to start practicing what i preach more. i noticed a big difference in the way i was feeling the past few days/week and a half. ive been kicking out the negative energy, kicking out the negative thoughts and really getting rid of some of the crap thats in my room. i tossed pictures, jewelry and letters. i even went as far as to take all of that garbage and put it in the garbage can in the garage so it was as far away from me as possible.

ive been trying a new technique that my friend mana taught me- focus on the pain and ask the body what message it's trying to send you. so... i have been and ive noticed a difference. im still sick, but emotionally i feel like maybe im healthier. the message i usually get is :STOP STRESSING! easier said than done but, im trying. ive also been having terrible, violent nightmares. and this is the message i got after talking myself down, zenning out and asking myself WHAT my body wanted me to know:

 stop doing what everyone expects you to. You are unique. You are beautiful and your heart is too big... Stop allowing miserable people to hold a spot in your heart and your life. Erase the negativity. There's nothing wrong with finding good in everything and everyone... But realize that not everyone is good and that's ok. Live YOUR life. Its not your responsibility to help everyone. Help yourself. And its ok to have faith that you're going to get better. You will. There is a cure out there. Have faith. Have patience. And breathe.

i need to start remembering this, and i think i have been doing a better job. some days are harder than others.

when i have those nightmares or thoughts with those horrible people and hearing their negative words, i just focus on them and say, 'you are powerless over me. your words can no longer hurt me. YOU can no longer hurt me. you served your time in my life and showed me what i DONT deserve. we're done here. goodbye' and it seemed to have worked.

i had a few REALLY good days, extraordinarily happy, healthy, sing-songy days! but... i dont know if its the weather or the cushings or whatever they dont know is wrong with me... todays a blah day. emotionally im ok. physically, not so much. but hey, i had 3 good days and that's better than none!

i have gone back to the whole not sleeping thing. that kinda sucks. alot. because i was getting used to sleeping through the night. my dr put me back on my keto so maybe once my body gets back used to it ill be able to sleep through the night again.

i had an interesting talk with my therapist yesterday. we were talking about how so many sad things had been happening this month and how i keep biting my tongue so i dont cry. she said to me, 'this is a common occurence for you. why is it ok for everyone else to cry and not you? why won't you let yourself cry?' i skirted around the answer giving my typical, 'it gives me a headache' and 'crying's not my thing'. but really, i dont want to seem weak. people look to me to be strong, to be inspirational and to keep it all together. so i do. crying does give me a headache though, so im not lying. i like to encourage people and to make people happy. it's kinda my thing. it's kinda my job. but then, a few days ago, or maybe it was last week, i dont really remember, i was talking to a new friend and i told him about all that and he says to me, 'seems like a big responsibility, making everyone happy all the time'...
i guess i never really thought about it that way, and it kinda hit me like a stick to the face. it IS a big responsibility, one that i dont need to have. i dont need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. i dont NEED to fix everything for everyone and i dont NEED to fix anyone other than myself. so im going to start remembering that, or at least try to. baby steps.

im on this incredibly long, painful, emotional rollercoaster but... i really don't think i would change a thing about it. i don't even know that if i could, i would. i dont even think id ask to be able to see again out of my right eye. i mean, if theres a way i can, great. but if not, eh. it is what it is. it may be cliche, but i do just want the best for people. i want everyone to see how incredible they are, for people to not be so hard on themselves, to see their inner beauty and start looing for the positive in things instead of always looking for the negative. to stop focusing on the negative and to appreciate the little things. i want world peace. i want inner peace.

yes, im sick. no doubt about that. even though i dont 'look sick'. but i WILL get better. and every day im starting to. and every day there is something to be happy about. no matter how sad i am or how much pain i am... there is ALWAYS something to smile about. im breathing aren't i? well there's a start! i have a greater purpose in life, as do we all. and who knows, maybe my purpose is to make a difference in someone's life, that's what ive always believed anyway. if i can make a difference to just ONE person, then im living a life that's worth living...