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Friday, March 2, 2012

just smile through it

what a long, strange trip it's been...

sick, oh so SOOOOOOOOOO sick the past, what, almost 4 weeks now? yeah... actually.. almost 4 weeks to the day! *sigh* i had 3 good days in a row though, so.. that's a bonus, right? i just need to get better by Friday so I can spend the weekend with my Parade Day crew... it's going to be our 5 year anniversary next weekend, and I don't want to miss out! it's the one day where i can forget that im sick, dress up in crazy clothes, make a fool out of myself and spread some cheer! not that i dont try and spread cheer wherever i go but... i dont know. there's just something about dressing up in green and smiling and laughing and being surrounded by love that just does something for a girl! it doesn't hurt that last year people wanted to take pictures with me because i looked like an irish fairy. haha. and the first year we went we won a photo contest for our awesome attire and personalities. :) i wouldn't have changed a thing.

it's especially nice because that's how kristina and i got to be so close. all because of job training! haha. i asked her if she knew about the parade and she said, you're staying at my house, and thus began one of the greatest friendships i have. whenever we get together its like we never seperated, and that's such a blessing. friends like her are few and far between.

just like my wifey. i swear, she's like one of the best rainbows in my storm. she always knows what i need, when i need it. when we get together it's like we never left college. she came to my grandfathers funeral, always stood up for me, and always stood by me no matter what dumb decision i made and she always makes time for me, no matter how crazy our lives get. im truly blessed. seriously.

so back to the whole being sick thing. it really sucks. but, ya know how im always preaching positivity? i think i need to start practicing what i preach more. i noticed a big difference in the way i was feeling the past few days/week and a half. ive been kicking out the negative energy, kicking out the negative thoughts and really getting rid of some of the crap thats in my room. i tossed pictures, jewelry and letters. i even went as far as to take all of that garbage and put it in the garbage can in the garage so it was as far away from me as possible.

ive been trying a new technique that my friend mana taught me- focus on the pain and ask the body what message it's trying to send you. so... i have been and ive noticed a difference. im still sick, but emotionally i feel like maybe im healthier. the message i usually get is :STOP STRESSING! easier said than done but, im trying. ive also been having terrible, violent nightmares. and this is the message i got after talking myself down, zenning out and asking myself WHAT my body wanted me to know:

 stop doing what everyone expects you to. You are unique. You are beautiful and your heart is too big... Stop allowing miserable people to hold a spot in your heart and your life. Erase the negativity. There's nothing wrong with finding good in everything and everyone... But realize that not everyone is good and that's ok. Live YOUR life. Its not your responsibility to help everyone. Help yourself. And its ok to have faith that you're going to get better. You will. There is a cure out there. Have faith. Have patience. And breathe.

i need to start remembering this, and i think i have been doing a better job. some days are harder than others.

when i have those nightmares or thoughts with those horrible people and hearing their negative words, i just focus on them and say, 'you are powerless over me. your words can no longer hurt me. YOU can no longer hurt me. you served your time in my life and showed me what i DONT deserve. we're done here. goodbye' and it seemed to have worked.

i had a few REALLY good days, extraordinarily happy, healthy, sing-songy days! but... i dont know if its the weather or the cushings or whatever they dont know is wrong with me... todays a blah day. emotionally im ok. physically, not so much. but hey, i had 3 good days and that's better than none!

i have gone back to the whole not sleeping thing. that kinda sucks. alot. because i was getting used to sleeping through the night. my dr put me back on my keto so maybe once my body gets back used to it ill be able to sleep through the night again.

i had an interesting talk with my therapist yesterday. we were talking about how so many sad things had been happening this month and how i keep biting my tongue so i dont cry. she said to me, 'this is a common occurence for you. why is it ok for everyone else to cry and not you? why won't you let yourself cry?' i skirted around the answer giving my typical, 'it gives me a headache' and 'crying's not my thing'. but really, i dont want to seem weak. people look to me to be strong, to be inspirational and to keep it all together. so i do. crying does give me a headache though, so im not lying. i like to encourage people and to make people happy. it's kinda my thing. it's kinda my job. but then, a few days ago, or maybe it was last week, i dont really remember, i was talking to a new friend and i told him about all that and he says to me, 'seems like a big responsibility, making everyone happy all the time'...
i guess i never really thought about it that way, and it kinda hit me like a stick to the face. it IS a big responsibility, one that i dont need to have. i dont need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. i dont NEED to fix everything for everyone and i dont NEED to fix anyone other than myself. so im going to start remembering that, or at least try to. baby steps.

im on this incredibly long, painful, emotional rollercoaster but... i really don't think i would change a thing about it. i don't even know that if i could, i would. i dont even think id ask to be able to see again out of my right eye. i mean, if theres a way i can, great. but if not, eh. it is what it is. it may be cliche, but i do just want the best for people. i want everyone to see how incredible they are, for people to not be so hard on themselves, to see their inner beauty and start looing for the positive in things instead of always looking for the negative. to stop focusing on the negative and to appreciate the little things. i want world peace. i want inner peace.

yes, im sick. no doubt about that. even though i dont 'look sick'. but i WILL get better. and every day im starting to. and every day there is something to be happy about. no matter how sad i am or how much pain i am... there is ALWAYS something to smile about. im breathing aren't i? well there's a start! i have a greater purpose in life, as do we all. and who knows, maybe my purpose is to make a difference in someone's life, that's what ive always believed anyway. if i can make a difference to just ONE person, then im living a life that's worth living...

<3

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