it's dark here

it's dark here
and not just because it's midnight

everything just feels so
empty
dark
sullen
angry
sad
lonely

i have this vision of what it would be like if i left
seated around the table at my pop-pop's house in wayne
all of my family who've gone before me
al is there
aaron is there
there's ham on the table
pineapple
root beer
everyone is smiling
laughing
i have this overwhelming sense of love
of family
like everything is finally going to be ok
that i'm home.
my family hugs me
i'm at the other head of the table
we're all laughing
and i look up
and there he is
petey-pete
he just stands there.
looking at me.
shaking his head. arms crossed
i always thought he'd be happy to see me
and he just keeps saying
it's not time
it's not your time
you need to go home.
all i want to do is be here
in this home
this paradise
with my loved ones
where the darkness no longer exists
where the pain will stop
where i can be free
i can have thanksgiving and easter whenever i want it
mooch and snickers and buttecup are running around
i mean
normy won't be here
but one day he will be
i'll have al. my alphonso
i'll be surrounded by unconditional, non-painful love
all the time
there will be never-ending laughter
a place no more harm will come to my heart
my body
my soul
a place i can be myself and not feel like someone is going to yell
someplace i won't be made to feel wrong
feel like i'm some terrible human for caring too much
like the knowledge i have due to circumstances beyond my control
make me  a shitty person
that my need to care
my loving too hard
makes me seem like a bad person.
i won't have to have another broken heart
cry anymore tears.
i'll be the one welcoming people into the green house
with the big table
and the neverending lifesavers in the crystal dish
the ugly couch that everyone loved to hate but had the best cushions to sleep on
the rocking chair for the little ones who were lost before they had a time to shine
the cigars for the pops while the played poker
and the pots of sauce on the stove while gram taught me how to make bread
we'd have a never-ending garden of fresh vegetables
i'd be eating radishes with my other pop, just like before
on the deck
and they'd be gross
but maybe they'd taste better in my paradise
everything is better here.
but petey
oh my petey
he's the one keeping me here.
he just shakes his head
and tells me to go back
it's not time yet
that i am loved
and i am missed
but it's not time.
he messes up my hair
because he knows i hate that
kisses my forehead
turns to my family and nods.
they know they've had me long enough.
i have to hug them
i have to come back
kiss my dogs
kiss my grandparents
my aunts
my uncles
my aaron
my alphonso
the sister i never knew.
and then petey
he hugs me tight
he tells me he's here
he's always here
and it's going to get better.
and one day
one day far away
it'll be time for thanksgiving
with extra pineapple.


it's dark here
and not just because it's midnight.

**************************
It's been two years today.
8.9.2017
SGT Peter Kamper, EOW #164

can i have your attention please

no but really?
can i?

i don't think  you've been paying attention.
like
at all.

9 years people.
9.
have you heard a damn word of what i've said?

no really

have you?

i'm not really sure how else to explain things
how many more pictures
how much more detail
i need to give you
to make you try to understand
any of this.

this isn't easy
healing isn't easy
this life isn't easy.

it is a daily struggle to keep going
the pain is never ending
the medication is never ending
literally
if i stop taking it
i will die.

I REPEAT

IF I STOP TAKING MY MEDICATION I WILL DIE.
I
WILL
DIE

that is the definition of life sustaining medication.

look it up.
do the research i've been asking
no begging
you to do for the last 9 years.

have you?
have any of you?

just because i'm smiling
doesn't mean i'm not in pain

a smile doesn't mean an easy day

a smile means
hey
fuck you
i'm going to push anyway

a smile means
hey
i had ice cream
so that was awesome

a smile means
hey
we woke up today
let's keep going

a smile means
we don't want frown lines.

it doesn't mean i'm cured.
it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
it doesn't mean my life suddenly became easier.

i'm not sure why people seem to think surgeries aren't serious
especially for me
i am the queen of complications
i mean
come on now

my routine ankle reconstruction
wasn't routine
more things to be fixed

follow-up showed
i can't bend my foot
i can't put pressure down

when i say i still can't walk
I STILL CAN'T DO IT.

why do you think i'm lying?

if i say i can't leave the house
i physically cannot leave.
are you going to push?
are you going to pick me up?

yeah

didn't think so

when it comes to visiting
you don't
so kindly shut up

i am not lying
this is not easy

ask any of the people who are here
every day
who see this

do you want me to video this for you?
how i can't get out of bed?
my screaming in the middle of the night?
no?
ok then
so stop

if i say no
it's no
it's not let's guilt you
let's do this
let's do this

NO

drive
visit
do all the things i can't

follow the fuck through

stop with the one days
and start with the todays.

i was visiting you with a broken foot
while on driving restriction

done

d
o
n
e

stop.

pay attention

really

pay attention

i took a year off because i was going to end my life
i was going to end it.
i was done
i was tired of feeling so completely alone
like the entire world had abandoned me
my family
my friends
everyone i loved
everyone
i was alone.
i took a year to find some peace
to gather myself
to try and heal myself

and you know something?
coming back sucks

i think i preferred the quiet.

no one listened
no one paid attention
no one learned

i'm not sure why i kept trying
why i kept reaching
why i kept trying to educate
to help
to care
to keep going

none of it seemed to make a difference

i did
i made a difference
there's that one
i know he's out there
she's out there
and they listened

i'm sorry you're not
but i really hope you start
because i can't make this any clearer.

pay attention
i can't get any more graphic than i have been
but if you want x-rays, MRI reports and doctors notes because it's not really that serious, i'll gladly supply them.

xoxo

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life....

so.
i was reminded tonight about my writing, how open and raw and real i once was, and how i had used this as an escape to just let everything out. to raise awareness. to bring about change. to give people hope and to let them know it's ok to be human, it's ok to hurt, to be honest, to be open. to scream, to cry, to yell. to just be.

but i stopped.

i won't say let it fall to the wayside, because that's not what i did. i intentionally stopped. i would blog in my head or say, this would make a good blog, someone should hear it, but no one would. i just didn't feel like i could put it out there. i completely shut down. i still kind of am. or re-shutdown, i'm not sure. could go either way at this point.

i had to stop sharing, stop letting people in. the more i let in, the more i shared myself, the more they left. the more you left. the more was used against me. my vulnerability became a weakness, and i couldn't have that. i am this rock, this mountain, this beacon of hope. i can't be weak. i don't have time to be weak. i have to keep thinking of new ways to inspire people and to not let anyone see the darkness inside of me. i can't let anyone see the holes. but they're there.

by shutting down, i got sicker. and sicker.and darker, and darker. it was to the point i had a plan. a plan, a good plan. and then a plan with my psychiatrist to save me. he and my therapist are on speed dial. i think everyone who has mental health issues should have a plan with their doctors. have a plan to get their mental health back in shape. we need to work our minds, strengthen them. realize that just because there is darkness inside of us, it doesn't make us bad. it just means we need a little more light, and that when the light does shine, it's gonna be bright as heck!

i've been angry a lot. like a lot a lot. life these last few months have been rough. really rough. my relationship took a hit. i haven't really cared about anyone in... 7? years maybe? so to be even in a relationship is a huge deal. this isn't one of those, k. free food and movies kind of relationship. this is an, i can see myself with you til the end of time, relationship. i guess when things go as good as they were, you kind of forget there's a real world out there and then when something happens you're just like oh. hey bubble. *pop* but i mean, if it's broke, you fix it. you don't walk away. that's what love is. it's not like this is anything earth shattering. people get into it. it happens. and they move on. i'm just not an easy to move oner. and he gets that. it's why we work. he knows i have a hard time forgetting. and he's an overthinkiner. we just work. we're perfect. we can go from me being upset to talking about bowel movements to cat videos to supergirl to surgery to did you eat today to flowers. like, we just work. he's my perfect human. be with someone who asks the question, did you poop today? you want someone who cares for your body as much as you do. he is fantastic, even when i want to punch him in the face or pinch his nose closed. <there is a slight chance ive done one of these> he's there. he holds my hand. he ices my ankles. he laughs when my jokes aren't funny. he explains jokes so i'll think they're funny. and when i don't understand something, he doesn't make me feel less, he helps me understand and then we do more research on the subject so we learn even more. he's incredible. i'm truly blessed to have someone who not only likes to learn, but is excited to learn. he wants to experience life with me, wants to go on adventures, and we don't even have to leave the country. we're making a bucketlist of places to go in the US that look exciting. there are so many fun things in our own backyard no one seems to notice.

two friends from college came down yesterday and basically pulled me out of the darkness. they don't know that though. if they read this they will.
i was having such anxiety about yesterday. and then he couldn't come and i was going to be by myself. so the anxiety got worse. i don't leave my house. like ever. every time someone says they're going to make plans with me or we're going to do something, it's one of those up in the air fake plan kind of things. we can't even blame it on my crap anymore because i don't have junk. i'm doing a lot better. i have a broken foot so i can't stand for long periods of time, but whatever. i've been walking and dealing with the pain since december. i'm so tired of the fakeness.
anyway
so i've only really been going to ulta or hottopic. they're literally my safe spaces. i know where i'm going and the people there. or they know me lol. hottopic is where i went the day i wanted to drive my car off a cliff. the people in that store are amazing and i love them like family. they are my chosen family. and ulta? two of the girls there have huge pieces of my heart. HUGE. i can't even say how many times i went in there and broke down into val's arms when everything happened with my brother. that girl is everything. and american candle, i love the lady in the candy section. she just makes me feel at ease. i'm just not comfortable going anywhere else by myself. i'm assuming that's what it's turned into.
it could be all of the bad things that are going on in the world, all of the accidents, the fires, the crime- in our area alone. it's just scary. and i don't know. the trust i have for people in general has just disintegrated. i don't like people coming up and talking to me. i don't like it. it's creepy.
so
my friends were up. we met for lunch and i had no idea they were here to celebrate the 14th anniversary of their first date! GAHH!!! HOW FREAKING CUTE, AMAZING, FANTASTIC, BEAUTIFUL is that?! we had such a good time! it was so nice talking with friends and sitting with people and feeling like a normal human being! talking about college and sports and kids and drinks and life and things that had NOTHING to do with ANY of my illnesses! nothing about surgeries! nothing about any of my crap!!! that was such an incredible feeling! I WAS A FREAKING PERSON TO THESE TWO! A PERSON! I was just Nicci. Nicci from ESU. Nicci from Tri-Sig. Nicci Becca's Little. NOT Nicci with Cushing's. or Nicci with the tumor. I WAS JUST NICCI. these two who knew me for who i was, saw me for who i still am. it was such an incredible feeling. i mean, i am still feeling good. i feel like a new life has been put into my bones. i just, it was amazing. there were no phones at lunch. no nothing. just enjoying each other's company. and i made eye contact with them. i don't make eye contact with anyone anymore. i had eye sutgery and i still have a hard time with it. when i met Anthony Boyle he kind of locked his eyes with mine and i had no choice. that was one of the first times, prior to eye surgery, i had locked eyes with someone, wonky and all. and then yesterday. no problem at all. i'm not even sure if i look the man in the eyes all the time. i try, but i either 1. get self conscious or 2, decide his face needs my kisses. so.
yesterday was phenomenal. and listening to her husband talk about how much he loves her and watching them look at each other? ugh. everything!!!!  i loved the stories about their kids, too!! it was such a great time! i really do have great people in my life.

speaking of great friends, my cousin is pretty much one of the best people i know. one of the highlights of my day is when she calls me on her way home from work. i love our chats! we talk every day and when we don't talk it feels like something is missing. i love that our families are reconnected and she and i are so close. we are. the same. we have a family party celebrating her niece next saturday so im really excited for that. we'll all be together again.

so. i think this a good start to reentering the blogosphere. cheers

********


ive had quite the entry into 2019. i mean... just... wow.

December
a few days after I posted that, I think 2 days after, I ignored my better judgement and walked where I shouldn't have. i let someone decide they knew my body better than i did. in the dark. a blind person. walking in the dark. on a street full of potholes. how could this go wrong? and instead of continuing to disagree, i caved and i walked. and ended up BREAKING my ankle. i mean, BREAKING. tearing ligaments, the whole nine yards. if people would get their shit together i could schedule my foot surgery. yeah. that bad. but. i digress.
never let anyone tell you they know your body better than you. i learned this lesson 8 years ago. i've known this. i've been arguing for myself for years. but this particular night, i didn't. i listened to someone else. and now i'm paying for it. dearly.

a few days later, my brother went to florida to see some friends and was involved in a hit and run. he was the one who got hit. the driver jumped four lanes of traffic, a median, a red light and hit my brother's harley sending him off the road. my brother spent 32 days in the hospital in Daytona. the surgeons ended up amputating the lower half of his leg, below the knee, because they couldn't save his foot. my brother is incredible. he has been in good spirits throughout the whole thing. handling it better than i think most would. well, maybe not most. i dont think you know what you can handle until it's handed to you. he does have an amazing approach to it. he's laughing. smiling. making everyone around him feel better about what's happened to him. it's what we do. he's such a good human.

when it happened, i felt so stuck. i was frozen. i had no idea what to do. my mom was on the floor hysterical. she could barely talk and im not sure she could hear what his friends were saying. i ended up getting information at one point. i just, i dont know. i didnt know where to go or what to do or how to handle any of it. i dont even think i cried until i was at my therapy appointment. i was just kind of numb for a while. and then when i did cry, it was like the flood gates were open. i wanted to be at the hospital to take care of my brother, to fix him, but i was stuck here and i couldn't do anything. so i was a mess. my parents went to florida and were worried about me being home by myself, i do enjoy my alone time, but the boyfriend came the night they left to stay for the weekend. i'm not sure if he made things better or worse. i did enjoy his company, i just wasn't processing anything at that point so i'm not even sure if i was present when he was with me.
then new years came and i was a mess. i didn't want to go to that party. didn't want to get into a car. didn't want to get on the road. people were going to be drinking and driving and i didn't want to get hit. i knew my boyfriend was a safe driver, but i also knew there was going to be alcohol at this party. i didn't want to be the reason he didn't have a good time. we ended up being late because i became a basket case at my house. my mom seemed to be the only one aware of what was going on and made me talk to him about why i didnt want to go. he promised me he wouldn't drink and i ended up having a really good time. aside from hating him most of the night. for not dropping off at the door. for parking so far away. for having me walk in the rain, in the dark, through more potholes with a swollen ankle. i was fuming. so i really didn't want to be there. limped up the stairs, made friends with a girl and talked about harry potter for a good 40 minutes. so then i was comfortable. let the negativity go, made some friends, ate some good food, played some games, got mad again. I KNOW MY BODY. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. STOP. I AM A HUMAN. and then talked politics with the host. i enjoyed that the most i think, even more than cards against humanity. really strange game.

JANUARY
seemed like it was taking forever since joey still wasn't home yet. i really don't remember much about it. it could be when the lighting of the vineyards was and when we met rina and ted. i love them. they're the best. unless that was november. i'm not really sure. i really have no idea what happened that month.

FEBRUARY
joey came home!! that was amazing. then there was valentine's day. that was really special. we went to this really amazing restaurant. had a really nice weekend together. his dad came up one weekend and i got to meet him.

MARCH
KELLY CLARKSON!!!!! i mean, i honestly don't think anything else is going to top that. at all. maggie rose opened for her. it was incredible. we spent the weekend away. it was so much fun! last weekend i went to a salt cave with a friend of mine. if you get the chance, i suggest you do so! it was amazing! if you have AI, take extra salt and hydrate before you go in. and hydrate and take more salt when you come out! i ended up crashing the next day. i'm sure it wasn't just the cave and had a lot to do with everything going on the last few weeks, months even and then the cave and us not having dinner til almost 9pm. i dont even think i ate prior to that. someone doesn't seem to understand i can't do that. i need to eat on a normal person's schedule. i really need him to understand and try and pay attention. i want to be treated like a normal person, but normal people eat food. and most people i know, if they dont eat, they end up sick. it's not just and AI thing. i ended up in the ER sunday night because i crashed so bad and that ER doc was such a piece of shit. he was convinced i drank too much and i kept saying i hadnt drank at all. but please, tell me how i'm wrong, don't test my blood like im daring you too. all i wanted was fluids and steroids. he didn't even want to give me fluids, as i was passing out. if you get dr.cobb at st lukes monroe, request someone else. he sucks. i already have a letter started. so i spent the week recovering because ive felt so shitty. and then i had 3 doctors appointments. bf stayed home from work sunday night t take care of me and then all day monday before he went in. he was pretty scared. this was his first time witnessing it firsthand. he couldn't even sleep until he got me tucked into bed and surrounded me with water and gatorade. he also watched me sleep for a few hours until he knew i was really asleep. we took this weekend off. he needs to take care f himself too otherwise the stress will get to him, too. he works crazy hours, has a hard time sleeping, and spends all his weekends with me. he was hurtin this weekend. i think we both needed it. i had an awesome time with my friends and he slept for almost 72 hours straight. so, we both had good weekends.


i started a gofundme for my brother. you can read the whole story, post it, share it, donate, pray. anything and everything helps. i'm updating it tomorrow with more photos of how well he's doing now. he should be getting his new leg soon!

https://www.gofundme.com/road-to-recovery-for-joe-velardi

an entire year

happiness can be found in the darkest of times
if only we remember to turn on the light.
-Albus Dumbledore

wow.

it has really been an entire year since i've written anything in here. i never thought i'd let this fall to the wayside, but i did. i'm sorry for that. these past two years have been something of a whirwind. my mental health has been taking a beating. i almost didn't make it through 2017. i'm not even 100% sure how i made it through 2018.

in 2017, the darkness was really bad. it had gotten to a point where i had made a plan researched which hospitals i wanted to go to. decided who should get what. figured out what part of my life insurance should go to what charity. i was ready to end it all. i saw no point in being here. some days i still don't. i don't really give a shit if you say, BUT LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU'VE COME! YOU'VE GOT AIR IN YOUR LUNGS! well fuck you then. you really don't get it. if you've never walked a mile in my shoes. never lived with depression, never had someone crack your skull open, never had a new diagnosis about every other week, been to the hospital 2~3x a month because no one will listen to you so you have to diagnosis yourself, shut the fuck up. i don't care. i really don't. i shut down social media last year and it was awesome. i didn't hear a peep from anyone. so, what does that tell you? a few people reached out to my mom to check on me. a few cheecked on me. a lot of the people who had my number didn't say anything though. so whatever. i still reached out to them, still did the checking in. because that's just what i do. i do feel like a shitty friend though. i disappeared and i can't do everything i once did. i can't drive everywhere and spend and buy things for everyone like i once did. birthdays and christmas will kind of come and go and it's like i forget about people. i don't, i just can't afford to celebrate them because i'm trying to afford to live. it sucks. i'd love to be able to work and spend money and do all the things but i can't. medication is expensive. food restiction is expensive. far away doctors appointments is expensive. having a brain tumor that causes you to gain over 100lbs is expensive *credit card debt* losing 100lbs is expensive *cash only for new clothes* <--- but yay for the cushing's weight falling off. medical marijuana is expensive, and it doesn't necessarily work. some of these dispensaries add things and they make this shit so expensive... street weed is probably better and cheaper. life is crazy.

i also spent last year coming to terms with something awful that happened to me. i realized it happened. and i've been working on processing it. i'm a #metoo girl and it SUCKS. it's impacted pretty much everything. it's taken me 4 years to deal with it. FOUR. so many people say, why now? why this? why that? you don't want to think it could happen to you. that one of the strongest people you know, could have this happen. that you couldn't defend yourself. that you let this happen. and yeah, somehow in my brain, i thought it was my fault. in no way did i think i deserved it or enticed it in any way. it wasn't the way i was dressed or anything like that. i woke up to it. but i thought maybe somehow i had let my guard down and hadn't kept my walls up high enough to alert myself that this person wasn't safe. that the person i was in a relationship would turn out to be a predator. i blamed myself.

it took a few years and some major therapy to get through it and to come to terms knowing it's not my fault. still can't really handle the GYN's office. the whole relationship thing is scary as hell. i'm in one now and i don't know how i got to be so lucky to find him, or him find me. i have never. NEVER met anyone as kind, as generous, as empathetic as he is. he is just... i don't even know. i'm not going to call him my knight because that would imply i needed saving but, i don't know. in a way i guess we kind of saved each other maybe. we've shown each other that love is real and it exists and there are good, genuine people in the world. he hasn't walked. i've told him more than everything, and when i can't tell him what's going on, he'll just hold my hand, or stay on the phone with me til i fall asleep. he is my person. and he's a hufflepuff. so there's that.

i know things are going to get better. they get a little better every day, even when they go backward, which they have been. well, they have been the last few weeks.  i spent the first two weeks of december in the ER. November and I think my birthday. i'm running pretty low on spoons right now. i've been running myself ragged trying to get everything done for christmas and this party we're going to tomorrow. i just want everything to be perfect to be introduced to the friends. i made us ugly sweaters for a party on the 9th, but i was in the hospital. so, there went that.

there have been a lot of good things this year though. they've been the little things that i've been pushing myself to keep myself here for.

i had a valentine's day with huey.
i went to dropkick in march with cristian.
in april sissy, huey and me went to CURSED CHILD ON BROADWAY!!! we met the cast and i pretty much cried the entire time.
i also had my right eye recessed so i look like im looking at you now.
i may have done something in may.
in june biffy came and we had a big bbq. i spent almost every day with her while she was here, and if i wasn't with her i was with her kids. it was also mom's birthday. and huey's birthday. and i took a dreams class. and found out i can have kids. i just have to take shots and stuff.
in july i met with the senator to discuss funding for rare diseases and how we can get a better emergency injection for adrenal insufficiency.
in august i was finally able to go back to the center for vision loss. it was really nice to see everyone again. i haven't really been back since because i got sick, but still. nice nonetheless.
September was filled with incredible things. absolutely incredible. I saw Casting Crowns with Becky and Laura. I met Shmoops.
October was my birthday. I had been on this amazing exercise journey. i discovered XHIIT. It's been on the backburner for a bit, but I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things next year when my body gets back together. Shmoops and I have been going on long walks and hikes here and there so i want to be functional. oh! we went to homecoming, too.
Novemeber was thanksgiving. probably something else.OH! Hanson String Theory. WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! an experience i'll never forget.
and now we're in december. which has been a mess. and my depression has been awful. sissy has  a contract in SC and she won't be home for christmas. knowing she's sad makes me sad. i hate her being so far away. the weather sucks. i keep getting sicker and sicker. but not like, dying sicker. my steroids have been a bitch to manage lately. i can't keep my electrolytes up. i keep needing to go get a bag of fluids and then i wake back up. i have no idea why i'm so drained. i want to run the idea of getting a bag of fluids once  a week past my doctors and see what they say. one said it was a good idea. maybe this week she'll agree with me. christmas will be over and her kids will have had Santa visit lol. *sigh*

it feels like so much, doesn't it? my life? like it just keeps... idk. the rain keeps falling. the sun comes out. it always does. even if i don't always see it. eventually it shines. even if only for a few hours.

i know i'm the stars shine brightest in the darkness girl, but my goodness. i'm tired. but they do, don't they?

we do. i mean. WE shine brightest. we just have to shake it off. get sad. cry it out. climb under the covers. sleep. sleep for as long as we need. hug a plushie. hold our own hands, because we can pull ourselves out of this. it's going to be ok. it has to.

there are good people, good things, in the world. we just have to remember they existed before all the bad was brought to light, look in our hearts and we'll find them. good exists. we just have to find it.

/*lumos /*

From a text message. [9.12.17]

I was having a text conversation with someone about different writing styles and I brought up my blog. And a little piece of me kind of escaped. 

I've been going through some things this last year. With people. And it slipped out.

I really need to write a blog about what happened with the 'sister' I once had. No, not my actual sister. But the one who decided to take advantage of my family and then rip out their hearts. Because ya know, apparently that's what people do? Ya know. And I'm about to get heated and say things I shouldn't so I'm going to just let you read what's down there, take a breath and drink some coconut water. 

Btw, Goya and le fe agua de coco with pulp is freaking AMAZING! I strain the pulp out, but holy Hannah Montana Batman! This seems to be the only thing that can fix my stomach issues. Oh yeah, new dx. Yay me! 

Ok.

Here ya go.

⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇

➡ Sounds like your blog is very positive. How long have you been doing it?

My response:

My blog is real. Is it positive? Most of the time. I just don't have time for bullshit. I call it like I see it. If I have a problem, I let you know. I don't tolerate being treated like shit. Or being taken advantage of. And if it's someone I can't talk to about it right away, I go to my private blog. The internet isn't for trash talk. Social media has turned this world into a place where bullies rule and it's not ok. I use the hashtag #TypeWithKindness a lot on twitter. Or try to at least. Our current person who lives in the White House has made it ok for people to suck. He's terrible.

I'm trying my best to develop a backbone. I have one, I'm just too nice sometimes and I care way too much. It's one of my worst character flaws. I'll break my back for people, and then I end up on the floor being stepped all over. But whatever. I'd rather help than hurt. And if people feel they need to take advantage? So be it. God put me here to show people love, and that's what I do. That's why I love social work. So many who don't feel loved, I can let them know they are.

I mean, I have a defense. I can throw walls up so high the birds can't fly over them, but I'd rather keep them down if I can.
But once they've gone up, it takes a hell of a lot to get them down.

I should just copy and paste this. Lol

Since 2010. I think. Maybe 2011.
It's not always consistent. I'd gone into a dark place and just stopped altogether. So when I did write, it was on my tablet, in a private journal. I didn't want anyone to know anything. I just wanted to be kept away from the world.

But now I'm back.
I'm here.
I'm living.
I'm alive.
I've chosen to stay. 

i'm more. not less.

what part of "i am not my illness" are you not comprehending?

no, serioulsy. i'd really like to know.

i HAVE a disease. IT DOES NOT FUCKING HAVE ME!

i don't know how many times i have to reiterate that effing point!

will there be days where i cannot get out of bed, were i feel lie complete and absolute garbage? yes.

will there be days where i feel as though i can dance in the clouds and sparkle stardust everywhere? FUCK YES.

more and more i am riding mothereffing unicorns and shooting rainbow darts at anyone who walks past me, but yall have to realize, when a bad day comes, IT IS NOT GOING TO LAST FOREVER! IT IS NOT GOING TO DESTROY ME! I WILL NOT LET IT!!!

have we not been playing this game long enough to not realize i own this shit? my crown has yet to fall, so stop acting like it's going to!

yeah. i can be in bed for a week. i get it. but stop making it out to be the biggest deal in the world! speak to me like a person. treat me with the respect i deserve. i'm winning this war. have faith in me. i've had faith in every.single.one. of you for all of your accomplishments, all of your battles, how about you do me a solid and do the same for me? i'm smiling through all of this pain. i am pushing for it. i wouldn't trade any of my good days for the shitstorms that follow.

so please. don't discredit me. when i tell you i can do something. stop telling me i can't. don't ever tell me i can't. don't tell me something is a bad idea. i know my body and my health better than any single one of you, i've proven that over the last 7 years, longer in fact. i know my limits. if i think i can't handle something, i won't do it. i'm not a moron. the more someone tells me i can't accomplish something or that it's not good for me or that i won't be good at it, guess what? i'm gonna do my damnedest to prove you wrong.

so do us both a favor, and either support me, or sit back and watch me soar.

you can either fly with me or you can get left behind. the choice is yours. [i really hope you choose the first one.]

i'm not writing this to upset anyone. i don't know how else to get any of it out. i'm so frustrated and so upset and so angry and just so... so tired of feeling like i'm less. because i'm not less. i'm so much more. i'm more than i feel i'm being given credit for.

so, i apologize if this comes off as harsh but, this is me. being real. and not breaking something.

Have you ever?

This started out as a private journal entry... but... then this happened. My mind just started going a bunch of places I didn't like tonight/2am so I thought I should get it out before I had a night like the last. We'll see if it works. I think I need to get back into the blogosphere. I can't let the dementors win. I just can't.

⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇


Have you ever stopped to think about how much of yourself you've given up for other people? How much of yourself you've lost, parts of yourself you'll never get back, for your friends?

I have.

I didn't mean to.

But I am tonight.

So many sacrifices I've made these last 7 years.
Hell.
Much longer than that.
And what do I have to show for it?
Where are those people?
They only exist in my minds eye now.

Have they all forgotten?
Did I imagine all of it? Was it all a dream?
Because it seems as though I'm living in a nightmare now.

So many things I've sacrificed for myself
Experiences I'll never get back
Because it's too late
Not only am I by myself
But I'm broken
Beautifully broken
But broken nonetheless.

Life is harder now.

And the ones I moved mountains for wouldn't even pick up a pebble for me.

What kind of world do we live in
When friendship is about what we can take
And not what we can give?
When a friendship isn't a one-way street where you walk side by side,
But a race to see who can do better than who.

Why aren't we helping each other?
Lifting each other up?
And if this is a race
Why not run it together?

Why am I the only one still on the street?

My heart is aching tonight.
I wish you could understand.
But you can't.
You won't.
You never did.
You just wanted a savior.
A hero.
So that's what I became.

Until you struck me with kryptonite.

Like a Phoenix I rose.
And I'll continue to rise.

I just wish you knew.
You hurt me.
So
So much.

I gave so much for you.
Lost so much.
I don't know if I'll ever find those pieces.

Do I look?
Do I forget?
Do I try something new?
So many questions.
So much xanax.

Have you ever stopped to think? I have.