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Monday, June 26, 2017

Have you ever?

This started out as a private journal entry... but... then this happened. My mind just started going a bunch of places I didn't like tonight/2am so I thought I should get it out before I had a night like the last. We'll see if it works. I think I need to get back into the blogosphere. I can't let the dementors win. I just can't.


Have you ever stopped to think about how much of yourself you've given up for other people? How much of yourself you've lost, parts of yourself you'll never get back, for your friends?

I have.

I didn't mean to.

But I am tonight.

So many sacrifices I've made these last 7 years.
Much longer than that.
And what do I have to show for it?
Where are those people?
They only exist in my minds eye now.

Have they all forgotten?
Did I imagine all of it? Was it all a dream?
Because it seems as though I'm living in a nightmare now.

So many things I've sacrificed for myself
Experiences I'll never get back
Because it's too late
Not only am I by myself
But I'm broken
Beautifully broken
But broken nonetheless.

Life is harder now.

And the ones I moved mountains for wouldn't even pick up a pebble for me.

What kind of world do we live in
When friendship is about what we can take
And not what we can give?
When a friendship isn't a one-way street where you walk side by side,
But a race to see who can do better than who.

Why aren't we helping each other?
Lifting each other up?
And if this is a race
Why not run it together?

Why am I the only one still on the street?

My heart is aching tonight.
I wish you could understand.
But you can't.
You won't.
You never did.
You just wanted a savior.
A hero.
So that's what I became.

Until you struck me with kryptonite.

Like a Phoenix I rose.
And I'll continue to rise.

I just wish you knew.
You hurt me.
So much.

I gave so much for you.
Lost so much.
I don't know if I'll ever find those pieces.

Do I look?
Do I forget?
Do I try something new?
So many questions.
So much xanax.

Have you ever stopped to think? I have.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

its a great day to be alive

it's a great day to be alive. you know the sun's still shinin when i close my eyes.

i honestly can't remember the last time i've felt so good.

like... that i've been excited to be alive.

i wake up every morning and it's not like, ugh. i'm alive.


it's like. IM ALIVE!!!!

i have survived the night and thank you Jesus for letting me see another day! i am so blessed to be living in this world, even though we are going through some trials and tribulations, i am so blessed to be Your daughter and I am so blessed to have woken up this morning to live to see another day, to live, to breathe, to inspire.

i may not have figured out my purpose yet, but i am going to wake up every day and be excited about figuring it out!

it hasn't been, ugh. i'm alive. another effing day to get through and deal with shitty people. who do shitty things. and try and fight my way through the darkness. through the muck. the slime. the quicksand.

i'm not crying nearly as much.

i still haven't found my patronus. but the dementors have stopped bothering me.

i'm writing again. which is  a beautiful thing.

i'm also letting things go. i'm not getting as worked up about as much. i'm learning that sometimes it's best just to keep scrolling,.

no one really knows my business unless i post it on facebook. am i sick? have i gotten a terminal diagnosis? has my vision gotten worse or better? does anyone know the answer to that?

nope. not really.

unless you're one of the few who actually take the time to have a conversation with me.

i'm also not settling.

i don't do the no respect thing.

like, i mean, why? yall know we deserve to be respected right? we aren't pieces of garbage, right?

i hope if you're reading this you know how important you are, that you're worth it and that you're enough. you're wonderful, you're beautiful and you should never settle for second best. ever.

oh. and sidenote.

i'm watching my girl. after every first kiss, from now on, we shouyld recite the pledge of allegiance. that's just the way it should be. from now until the end of time.

and if you don't understand why this happens, then either you're too young, or just not educated enough.

and now thomas jay is going to get stung by the bees and my life is gong to be changed. again. so the tears are going to start falling and here goes the end of my happy day.

damn those bees.

i'm going to have a separate post about death and heartache next month.

but back to the amazingness that it YOU. that is US.

i know how hard life is. life is one of the most difficult things to survive.
and our demons? the dragons? the dementors? they are so hard to fight sometimes. it would be so much easier to give up.

and when you're fighting an illness, forget it. especially when there is no end in sight. you get tired of being sick. tired of being tired. tired of the pain. tired of losing the ones in your support system (because they gave up their fight or their illness got to them first), or your friends and family got tired of your fight and left you.

being sick is not an easy task.

none of this is.

depression is hard. being sick is hard. having an illness: emotional of physical is hard.

but that just means we need to be stronger. fight harder.

be dragged into the muck and the slime and the darkness and look for the vine, the tree branch, the sunshine and pull ourselves out of it because no one will pull opurselves out of it.

this is a battle that we must fight on our own.

it's one of the shitties things at could ever happen to any of us.

but it's ours.

we can win.


people need other people.

on october 2, 8 days from now, i'm leading  a team for the Out of The Darkness walk for the Association For Sucide Prevention.

All of the funds raised from this walk will go toward putting suicide prevention programs into schools.

We can raise funds until December. I have $175 left to go for my personal goal. Our team has about $300 left.

Would you mind helping us raise that money to get us to where we need to be?

here's the link:

If every person who reads my blog, or every insta follower I have, every twitter follower, every facebook friend, donates just ONE DOLLAR, we would have our goal met and then some!!

We all have no problem donating to a cause for someone to get a vacation, or new tires, or fake breasts, but when it comes to sucide prevention, people just turn their heads.

Please don't be that person.

I have been sharing my story with you for 5 years now. We're like family.

Please donate at least $1.

help me help others.

we can all make a difference.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

people need other people. x6

are we about to lose our shit?

oh no. i think we're way past about to. i think its already been lost.

im so sick of everyones shit.

so sick of the whining and the bullshit and the drama.


do you not realize that there are real problems in the world that are bigger than how big your fucking ring is?
how many selfies you can post on instagram or facebook?
how many bad things you can say about a person?

am i the only one whos been paying attention to whats been going on in the world? around me?

am i the only one who has realized that...

im dying?

that im crying?

that the silence in my world is so loud its deafening?

or that im screaming so loud that no one can hear me?

is that whats been happening over the past few years? is that why youve decided to treat me like shit?

is it true that i remind you of whats wrong in your life? that i remind you of your downfalls?

is it true that im not actually a burden to you, that youre really a sucktastic human being and im really the awesome person that ive always been and your true colors are finally coming out?

is that whats happening?

you do realize its been six years, right?

and you all have lied to me at one time or another.


i mean.

we have those of you who are in the pictures at the beginning of the album. who promised to stay. who never faltered.

but as the days and weeks and months went by, you stopped coming and stopped calling and stopped responding.

and the cys people were cuntbags so there was that. because, ya know, my posting about having a bad day and being in pain and having a boyfriend who cheated on me was my posting about hating the people i loved the most. because that makes sense. right?


and then you have the people who sent cards who stopped sending cards.

and then you have the people who showed up about two years in. because they thought i was finally getting better. but when they saw i started to decline and then i was no longer of value to them because nicci didnt drink. nicci couldnt karaoke. nicci couldnt drive their drunk asses home anymore, nicci was worthless.

so theres them.

and then you have those who just went away altogether. my illness was just too much anymore. they were sick of me being sick.

uhm. hello!!! do you not think im sick of that too?

or the people who can find time for boyfriends but not for me. because that makes perfect sense. because dicks before chicks. obvi.

and then there are the people who say they care and then they dont. theyre on your facebook. they friend you. they send you event invites when it benefits them so you can buy them stuff. they only spend time with you when you have money and you can pay to do things. god forbid they spend time at your house and you watch a movie or you have conversations. because... you know... youre sick and disabled and you dont have an income like people who work and who are healthy.

do you know who i have in my life?

if you can name yourself as one of those people that you think i would name right here, good for you.

but if you question whether or not i would write your name, we might have a problem.

more than likely we do.

why do you treat me this way?

do you have any idea how dark it is being alone for 12 hours a day? any idea at all?

what its like to be alone, to not be able to drive or to go anywhere or to have anyone to sit with you and have a conversation with you or tell you youre worth it or that they want you to stay or that you matter or that your life is important or that you should not kill yourself?

do you?

do you know what its like to sit on hold with a suicide hotline for 10 minutes and then hang up because youre still on hold and then fight with yourself and try with all your might to give yourself reasons to hold on?

because ive been fighting with myself. for weeks now.

and its just not getting any easier. it did. but then today happened and were back to the beginning.

but thursday is coming so i will keep fighting because panda is coming so i will until then because he will be here. and at least i will have a friend that i can cry with.

i have had a friend crawl out of the wall over the past few days. not sure why, but i believe God knew i needed him. ive been blessed to have someone to talk to and open my eyes to a new way to view my life and the way people are and to a new way of thinking.

i havent been this angry in quite some time.

i am stressed beyond belief.

i just want to punch someone in the teeth.

im sick of being taken advantage of. of people making me feel guilty.

of people doubting my abilities. just because i am sick does not mean i am not longer me. i am still a star. i still shine. i am still an individual. i am still capable of doing things myself. just because i cannot do everything i used to, does not mean i need to be constantly treated like i am 6 months old. people need to start having more faith in me and stop treating me like i am going to die tomorrow.

how can i live if im constantly being treated like im already dead?!

and i think thats why more and more i want to just end my life.

if everyone treats me like im already dead. then what exactly is the point of me living? if im just a ghost wandering through your lives, would my absence even matter? i mean, what good to i do for you? i dont add anything to your existence. i dont matter to your life.

you just say you know the sick girl.

and please. dont attend my funeral because you havent been around during my present.

that would piss the shit out of me off.

that sentence made no sense but you get my point.

and again, no. i am noy going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

it wouldnt be fair to my cousin whos far away right now if i didnt say goodbye to him, since he seems to be the only one whos actually taking the time to be there for me, even when he cant.

please stop being so caught up in yourselves that you forget about the people around you.

people are hurting.

the world is a scary place.

people need other people.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

i lost my sight today

well, five years ago today.

5 years ago yesterday i went in for emergency brain surgery. a crainiotomy, to remove my pituitary tumor that was causing my cushing's disease that no one knew i had. all anyone knew was that i had this tumor, that was growing rapidly and was pressing up against my optic nerve and that if i didn't have it removed i would go blind.

funny story about how i didn't go blind before we even knew i had this tumor.

i was walking around with shitbrick (my term of endearment for my loving ex boyfriend whom, when we found out about my tumor told me, this is your problem, i'm out. oh, and when i had my blood clots in my lungs, told me he didn't care if i died in the hospital. i pick winners i tell ya!!) anyway, i was walking around with him at great adventure on flag day in 2010 because i had such an awesome job working for the county that we got that day off and he well, had no life and had that day off as well so we went to great adventure. and, i was walking around on a broken foot because lovely pocono medical center told me it WAS NOT broken. asshats. anyway, ALL OF THE UPSIDE DOWN ROLLER COASTERS WERE OUT OF COMMISSION THAT DAY! so, we we didn't know i had my brain tumor and i was told if i had gone upside down, i would have lost my sight because the tumor could have moved and pushed up hard against my optic nerve and BAM. blind girl.

back to today. i had my surgery and woke up fine. and then the next day, today, well, 5 years ago today, i couldn't see out of my right eye. there was no vision. the nurse didn't believe me, but it was black. more of a beige, but nothing. she did all sorts of tests and nothing. she called dr douche and he came to the hospital right away and sent me for an mri of my head which scared the shit out of my mom because i had JUST came out of surgery and was in icu and that was a NONO. so, my mom raced to the hospital and i told all of the nurses to not tell her about my vision loss because i wanted to tell her. i didn't want her to freak out. but she did. i handled it quite well. i though maybe i'd get it back. i never did. i remember i wouldn't let anyone visit me in the hospital because i just sank. and the headaches were awful. but, they did lots of testing and no one could figure out what happened. the doctor put me on suicide watch and put a bed in my room and i had to have someone stay with my 24/7. i didn't understand why. i wasn't suicidal. he felt really bad. i kinda was just like, i'm alive so... what's the big deal. i still have my other eye? am i allowed to drive? he said yes. so... at least i had that. i mean, it sucked, but, i was ALIVE. oh. and then i found out the guy who was promising to stay by my side while i was in the hospital was fucking someone else. thank you to the girl who decided to text me while i was recovering for that message. that made everything so much easier to deal with. that was a bitch move. you know who you are. but, we're friends now. not me and him, he's a douche. we both hate him. me and her. weird, i know but, whatever.

so. here i am.

oh. before i start that. i had gone to a neurologist  two years later and he said hmmm. and i said what, and he said there it is. there what it? that's where he severed your optic nerve. i can see the slice.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?! well, that's lovely. and not like anything can be done because my shitty lawyers took their sweet ass time with the malpractice suit and by the time i wanted to get new lawyers, it was too late. the statute of limitations was up. yay me. but, at least i was granted disability. for a multitude of things. that was fun.

so anyway. here i am. my mom wants me to talk about it. and i don't know what she wants me to talk about. so, i'm just gonna go...

it sucks not being able to see. i look at pictures of myself and i see my eyes looking two different ways and that bothers me. or how bout when someone points out to me that my eye is shifting. because that's something i always like to hear about it. yeah nicole. i can see that you're disabled. gee thanks. i know i look like a fucking moron. you don't need to point it the fuck out to me. that goes for all of you. i know i look different. i know that you can tell i have a headache when my eye shifts. you asking, do you have a headache? your eye is shifting. IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE THING TO DO! HOW BOUT I SAY, DID YOU EAT AT WENDY'S? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GAINED FIVE POUNDS! do i do that to you? no, i do not. do i comment on how you raise your children? your relationships? do i make any comments about your physical appearances whatsoever? NO! SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT OK FOR YOU TO DO IT TO ME?!

and yes. i get it. my hair gets in front of my eye. do i know that? NO. if it's bothering you, TOO FUCKING BAD! I CAN'T SEE IT! if we're going to be taking a picture though, and my hair is in front of my eye, the kind thing to do would be to either 1. push my hair behind my glasses or 2. tell me but be fucking nice about it.

oh. and if we're going somewhere, walk on my left side. walk NEXT to me. NOT behind me. if you walk behind me, i won't know where you are and my anxiety will be going through the roof! i will be constantly looking to see where you are. and DO NOT WALK ON MY RIGHT SIDE BECAUSE I WILL HIT YOU. i talk with my hands. i have hit people before. it's not my fault if you get smacked. deal with it. if you feel the need to walk on my right side, link arms with me. my friends tend to walk on my right side and then they'll disappear on me. DO NOT DISAPPEAR ON ME. that is one of the worst things you can do to me. DO NOT ABANDON ME SOMEWHERE WHERE I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM.
1. i have short term memory loss and i will not know where i am
2. i have anxiety and i will freak out
3. i am like a small child and will feel lost

my douche bag ex boyfriend that i talked about in my blog before this one did this to me and we had and all out brawl.

i still walk into things. i have no depth perception and i think things are farther away than they are. or i'll think something is closer than it is and i'll go to grab something and i'll miss. that's why i don't pour drinks for people at parties or at restaurants. i can't reach across the table and pour. it has to be done for me. i can do it at home, no problem, because i can pick it up as close to my face as possible, but i feel like an ass doing that in public.

i'm still a pretty bad ass driver and i'm pretty good at parallel parking. maybe even better than i was when i could see.

i try not to let this get the best of me because, well, what good would it do?

the past three days have been rough. all these memories. my depression has been in overdrive. i do have a good friend who has been by my side letting me talk to him about everything and i'm really blessed because even though he doesn't get what i'm going through, i've been able to cry on his shoulder.

wow. i can't believe how many times i've cussed lol. i haven't cussed in three months. haha. oh well. Jesus still loves me. Guess i'll have to start over.

but there. now i've talked about it.

i just don't see what point there is to holding onto the anger about going blind would do me. does it suck? yeah. do i want my sight back? yeah. did i think that once i was baptized i'd be seeing again? you betcha. but, that didn't happen, now did it? no. so... there's the story morning glory.

be blessed.

and don't take your health for granted.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

you need to read this

i could tell everyone what you did to me. how you treated me. the bad thing that you did.

i could write all the awful things i think when i think of you. how you make my skin crawl. all the thoughts i have when i think of you.

i could write a really nasty blog to get my point across. and i have. a few times. but i've deleted it. because really, what would hurting you do?



whatever i am going through, is none of your business. my life has nothing to do with you anymore. you are NOT my boyfriend. we are not even friends! you destroyed that on your own. so do us both a favor, and just move on!

Jesus said to turn the other cheek and to love our enemies, I am TRYING to do that, but you are creeping me out and making me sick to my stomach. so please, do us both a favor and just GO. and if you still feel the need to read my blog posts, DO NOT comment on them, DO NOT message me about them, JUST GO! this blog was meant for me and my friends and family and for people dealing with cushings disease and depression. not creepy psycho ex boyfriends who get off on stalking me. even that was a low blow. and i'll ask for forgiveness tonight for those hurtful words but, i don't know how else to get my point across. GO AWAY!!!

now, maybe i'll sleep tonight without nightmares.

Monday, July 27, 2015

harry potter make nicci sad.

if you're reading this, i guess you got the hint that this was about you. or you were curious as to what i was up to since we haven't spoken since april. i guess you do care. 

dearest muggle,

are you proud of me? i know what that word means now. i watched a harry potter marathon over the weekend. watched six of the seven movies. (all but goblet of fire. abcfamily didn't air that one) i can kinda see what the hype is about and why you're obsessed with the books and Harry himself. i had a lot of questions, things i couldn't catch onto because my brain doesn't work like a normal persons but, i couldn't call you. couldn't text you. i had to ask someone else. SOMEONE ELSE. 

i really enjoyed my marathon. but, there was a tugging at my heart during the entire thing. something just didn't feel right. i wanted to cry during the entire thing. my friend said that deathly hallows was emotional, and i did cry when dobby died, i loved that little elf. but... tonight... when i was learning new exercises, i just started thinking about you and harry potter (partly because i had taken a shower and beforehand i had watched a youtube video of danny r rapping with jimmy fallon so maybe that's why you were on my mind, who knows) and the tears just began to fall. 

this wasn't supposed to happen to us. we weren't supposed to fall apart. we were supposed to be together forever. we weren't supposed to let my illness or your boyfriend/fiance/now husband come between us. you were supposed to stand up for me. be by my side. not let him make fun of my illness or my disabilities or what i was going through. but you didn't. you let him dig at me and hurt me. and just say, that's just how he is. ok. so it's ok for people to make fun of my disabilities and until i have a complete meltdown (which i did the day of the NYRF) THEN we will tell him to shut up and apologize? that's what it's going to take?

and then telling me not to come to your wedding because i asked for some assistance for my medical condition and that would be putting you out so you uninvited me. how difficult would it have been for my mom to sit in the parking lot and wait for me while i stood and watched you marry your other best friend? and then i could have kissed you both and went on my way. but no. that wasn't good enough. you just told me not to come. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? 

and now, we haven't spoken since april. 

and before then, when we had our weekend and it was just awful and i told you how i felt that we were drifting apart and i cried and you just told me that we would fix it and that it wasn't true, now look at where we are. we aren't even speaking. i told you that we were growing apart. you promised me wouldn't. that our friendship was one that could survive anything and everything. you had been there for me through EVERY hospital stay. EVERY operation. EVERY funeral. and now? i'm attending the funeral of us. alone. 

it's like i'm the only one feeling the pain of this. i have this huge hole in my heart that i don't know will ever be filled. i can say time will heal this wound, but really? losing YOU? this is the most awful break up i've ever experienced. this hurts worse than when anthony and i ended it, and anthony's pain was like i couldn't breathe. or maybe it comes close to when Al died. and you were there for me through that pain. you sat with me. held my hand. and now? you're gone. you told your husband the day he met me that if he was going to date you, he was going to have to take me, too. it was going to be a package deal. but, you let him come between us. you chose him. it's no longer the three of us. it's you and him. you weren't happy when i started dating, you wanted me to stay single. you are surrounded by couples. no man i ever date will ever be good enough for me. i get that. but you still have to be nice. 

i'm content being single. i was happy being the three of us, but then, you started pushing me out and treating me like the odd man out, like i WAS a third wheel or a burden. you would have all of these get togethers with your couple friends, but wouldn't invite me because i was single and wouldn't fit in and then say, oh, wish you were here. well, how would i be there if i didn't even know about it? you were always worried about how i would be places but you would never invite me. and then when we would make plans to go places, you would spring other people on me and throw my anxiety into a tizzy. so that was fun. so how was that good for me?

i just don't understand. maybe it's meant to be like this. but my heart is aching right now. and it's all because i watched freaking harry potter. i wanted to text you. and tell you what i was doing. and plan a trip to harry potter world. but, i know that will never happen. because, well, you threw me out with yesterdays trash,. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

I was baptized yesterday...

So... I did it. I took the plunge.

well, I got dunked is really how it went. It was a decision I know I'm never going to regret. I even gave a little testimony about what brought me to my decision, and had a good little ugly cry while I told the story, but, I won't tell that story here. no... that story will come in time. i'm not ready to write about it. well, i'm trying to write about it. just not here.

i'm excited about my new life in Christ. i haven't been swearing. my anger has been decreased. i've been happier and been living a more positive life... life has been GOOD. am i still sick? yes. i'm always going to have my illness. everyone keeps saying God will heal me. and, here's the thing. unless God is going to grow me some adrenal glands, i'm always going to have primary adrenal insufficiency. can He heal my of my symtoms? yes. can He heal me of my migraines? yes. He can work miracles! and... i was praying for a miracle on Sunday but... it didn't happen. and that made me a little sad. i think a part of me was expecting everything to be immediately better when i got baptized, like everything would be brand new. i know this signifies my starting over, and what i talked about in church was my cleansing of something else, and this is an amazing thing, i just was kind of hoping to get my sight back. and maybe that's silly. but i pray for it every day. and  i know Jesus healed the blind man... i just want Him to heal me, too. but at least my depression is getting easier to deal with and my anxiety is getting easier to deal with, too.

i know i made the right decision. and i'm excited.

the tests however, aren't fun. but i am learning how to breathe through them and how to be slow to speak and slow to anger and to just not let people and their crap bother me. there's a delete key and i'm using it.

i was tested today. when the new doctor said to me, of course you have adrenal glands. everyone has adrenal glands. and i had to respond with, no. i'm pretty sure i had mine removed. and then he said, well, you still produce hormones. and i had to respond with, i don't have a pituitary gland either. and then he tried to convince me that i could take a medication that three of my doctors have all warned me against on multiple occasions.
instead of going off on him i just clenched my fists and nodded and yessed him to death and walked away and told one of the nurses that i would never be seeing him again and told her what had happened. tomorrow and i am calling my regular doctor to tell him what had happened so this can be handled and when i have to go back at the end of the week i don't have to see this guy.

but back to this baptism.

you weren't there. and that kind of made me sad. i know it's supposed to be between me and God. and it was. but... it would have been nice if you could have been there to support me. i mean, i wasn't at your wedding. we're done. our friendship has bit the big one. i just ripped up pictures of us that i found to day. and my heart aches from what you did to me. so i guess i just need to pray that God heals my heart and maybe heals our friendship, or lack there of and that we can go our separate ways without any ill will toward one another. i send you love because holding onto this pain is destroying me.

i'm excited that i got baptized. i love my new church. i hope i can find some way to get involved in it. i'm slowly building up my strength and i'm having better days. i'm still having my bad ones, like today i didn't get up until 3 but i finally SLEPT so that was a wonderful thing and right now i'm not in any pain, aside from the pain that's in my ear and the dizziness that i keep experiencing, but i just chalk it up to the norm and that it's what's supposed to happen. nothing really surprises me anymore.

i send you all love and blessings.

i know. this wasn't too exciting. but, they will be. especially when i'm ready to confess :)