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Tuesday, September 12, 2017

From a text message. [9.12.17]

I was having a text conversation with someone about different writing styles and I brought up my blog. And a little piece of me kind of escaped. 

I've been going through some things this last year. With people. And it slipped out.

I really need to write a blog about what happened with the 'sister' I once had. No, not my actual sister. But the one who decided to take advantage of my family and then rip out their hearts. Because ya know, apparently that's what people do? Ya know. And I'm about to get heated and say things I shouldn't so I'm going to just let you read what's down there, take a breath and drink some coconut water. 

Btw, Goya and le fe agua de coco with pulp is freaking AMAZING! I strain the pulp out, but holy Hannah Montana Batman! This seems to be the only thing that can fix my stomach issues. Oh yeah, new dx. Yay me! 

Here ya go.


➡ Sounds like your blog is very positive. How long have you been doing it?

My response:
My blog is real. Is it positive? Most of the time. I just don't have time for bullshit. I call it like I see it. If I have a problem, I let you know. I don't tolerate being treated like shit. Or being taken advantage of. And if it's someone I can't talk to about it right away, I go to my private blog. The internet isn't for trash talk. Social media has turned this world into a place where bullies rule and it's not ok. I use the hashtag #TypeWithKindness a lot on twitter. Or try to at least. Our current person who lives in the White House has made it ok for people to suck. He's terrible.

I'm trying my best to develop a backbone. I have one, I'm just too nice sometimes and I care way too much. It's one of my worst character flaws. I'll break my back for people, and then I end up on the floor being stepped all over. But whatever. I'd rather help than hurt. And if people feel they need to take advantage? So be it. God put me here to show people love, and that's what I do. That's why I love social work. So many who don't feel loved, I can let them know they are.

I mean, I have a defense. I can throw walls up so high the birds can't fly over them, but I'd rather keep them down if I can.
But once they've gone up, it takes a hell of a lot to get them down.

I should just copy and paste this. Lol
Since 2010. I think. Maybe 2011.
It's not always consistent. I'd gone into a dark place and just stopped altogether. So when I did write, it was on my tablet, in a private journal. I didn't want anyone to know anything. I just wanted to be kept away from the world.

But now I'm back.
I'm here.
I'm living.
I'm alive.
I've chosen to stay. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

i'm more. not less.

what part of "i am not my illness" are you not comprehending?

no, serioulsy. i'd really like to know.


i don't know how many times i have to reiterate that effing point!

will there be days where i cannot get out of bed, were i feel lie complete and absolute garbage? yes.

will there be days where i feel as though i can dance in the clouds and sparkle stardust everywhere? FUCK YES.

more and more i am riding mothereffing unicorns and shooting rainbow darts at anyone who walks past me, but yall have to realize, when a bad day comes, IT IS NOT GOING TO LAST FOREVER! IT IS NOT GOING TO DESTROY ME! I WILL NOT LET IT!!!

have we not been playing this game long enough to not realize i own this shit? my crown has yet to fall, so stop acting like it's going to!

yeah. i can be in bed for a week. i get it. but stop making it out to be the biggest deal in the world! speak to me like a person. treat me with the respect i deserve. i'm winning this war. have faith in me. i've had faith in of you for all of your accomplishments, all of your battles, how about you do me a solid and do the same for me? i'm smiling through all of this pain. i am pushing for it. i wouldn't trade any of my good days for the shitstorms that follow.

so please. don't discredit me. when i tell you i can do something. stop telling me i can't. don't ever tell me i can't. don't tell me something is a bad idea. i know my body and my health better than any single one of you, i've proven that over the last 7 years, longer in fact. i know my limits. if i think i can't handle something, i won't do it. i'm not a moron. the more someone tells me i can't accomplish something or that it's not good for me or that i won't be good at it, guess what? i'm gonna do my damnedest to prove you wrong.

so do us both a favor, and either support me, or sit back and watch me soar.

you can either fly with me or you can get left behind. the choice is yours. [i really hope you choose the first one.]

i'm not writing this to upset anyone. i don't know how else to get any of it out. i'm so frustrated and so upset and so angry and just so... so tired of feeling like i'm less. because i'm not less. i'm so much more. i'm more than i feel i'm being given credit for.

so, i apologize if this comes off as harsh but, this is me. being real. and not breaking something.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Have you ever?

This started out as a private journal entry... but... then this happened. My mind just started going a bunch of places I didn't like tonight/2am so I thought I should get it out before I had a night like the last. We'll see if it works. I think I need to get back into the blogosphere. I can't let the dementors win. I just can't.


Have you ever stopped to think about how much of yourself you've given up for other people? How much of yourself you've lost, parts of yourself you'll never get back, for your friends?

I have.

I didn't mean to.

But I am tonight.

So many sacrifices I've made these last 7 years.
Much longer than that.
And what do I have to show for it?
Where are those people?
They only exist in my minds eye now.

Have they all forgotten?
Did I imagine all of it? Was it all a dream?
Because it seems as though I'm living in a nightmare now.

So many things I've sacrificed for myself
Experiences I'll never get back
Because it's too late
Not only am I by myself
But I'm broken
Beautifully broken
But broken nonetheless.

Life is harder now.

And the ones I moved mountains for wouldn't even pick up a pebble for me.

What kind of world do we live in
When friendship is about what we can take
And not what we can give?
When a friendship isn't a one-way street where you walk side by side,
But a race to see who can do better than who.

Why aren't we helping each other?
Lifting each other up?
And if this is a race
Why not run it together?

Why am I the only one still on the street?

My heart is aching tonight.
I wish you could understand.
But you can't.
You won't.
You never did.
You just wanted a savior.
A hero.
So that's what I became.

Until you struck me with kryptonite.

Like a Phoenix I rose.
And I'll continue to rise.

I just wish you knew.
You hurt me.
So much.

I gave so much for you.
Lost so much.
I don't know if I'll ever find those pieces.

Do I look?
Do I forget?
Do I try something new?
So many questions.
So much xanax.

Have you ever stopped to think? I have.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

its a great day to be alive

it's a great day to be alive. you know the sun's still shinin when i close my eyes.

i honestly can't remember the last time i've felt so good.

like... that i've been excited to be alive.

i wake up every morning and it's not like, ugh. i'm alive.


it's like. IM ALIVE!!!!

i have survived the night and thank you Jesus for letting me see another day! i am so blessed to be living in this world, even though we are going through some trials and tribulations, i am so blessed to be Your daughter and I am so blessed to have woken up this morning to live to see another day, to live, to breathe, to inspire.

i may not have figured out my purpose yet, but i am going to wake up every day and be excited about figuring it out!

it hasn't been, ugh. i'm alive. another effing day to get through and deal with shitty people. who do shitty things. and try and fight my way through the darkness. through the muck. the slime. the quicksand.

i'm not crying nearly as much.

i still haven't found my patronus. but the dementors have stopped bothering me.

i'm writing again. which is  a beautiful thing.

i'm also letting things go. i'm not getting as worked up about as much. i'm learning that sometimes it's best just to keep scrolling,.

no one really knows my business unless i post it on facebook. am i sick? have i gotten a terminal diagnosis? has my vision gotten worse or better? does anyone know the answer to that?

nope. not really.

unless you're one of the few who actually take the time to have a conversation with me.

i'm also not settling.

i don't do the no respect thing.

like, i mean, why? yall know we deserve to be respected right? we aren't pieces of garbage, right?

i hope if you're reading this you know how important you are, that you're worth it and that you're enough. you're wonderful, you're beautiful and you should never settle for second best. ever.

oh. and sidenote.

i'm watching my girl. after every first kiss, from now on, we shouyld recite the pledge of allegiance. that's just the way it should be. from now until the end of time.

and if you don't understand why this happens, then either you're too young, or just not educated enough.

and now thomas jay is going to get stung by the bees and my life is gong to be changed. again. so the tears are going to start falling and here goes the end of my happy day.

damn those bees.

i'm going to have a separate post about death and heartache next month.

but back to the amazingness that it YOU. that is US.

i know how hard life is. life is one of the most difficult things to survive.
and our demons? the dragons? the dementors? they are so hard to fight sometimes. it would be so much easier to give up.

and when you're fighting an illness, forget it. especially when there is no end in sight. you get tired of being sick. tired of being tired. tired of the pain. tired of losing the ones in your support system (because they gave up their fight or their illness got to them first), or your friends and family got tired of your fight and left you.

being sick is not an easy task.

none of this is.

depression is hard. being sick is hard. having an illness: emotional of physical is hard.

but that just means we need to be stronger. fight harder.

be dragged into the muck and the slime and the darkness and look for the vine, the tree branch, the sunshine and pull ourselves out of it because no one will pull opurselves out of it.

this is a battle that we must fight on our own.

it's one of the shitties things at could ever happen to any of us.

but it's ours.

we can win.


people need other people.

on october 2, 8 days from now, i'm leading  a team for the Out of The Darkness walk for the Association For Sucide Prevention.

All of the funds raised from this walk will go toward putting suicide prevention programs into schools.

We can raise funds until December. I have $175 left to go for my personal goal. Our team has about $300 left.

Would you mind helping us raise that money to get us to where we need to be?

here's the link:

If every person who reads my blog, or every insta follower I have, every twitter follower, every facebook friend, donates just ONE DOLLAR, we would have our goal met and then some!!

We all have no problem donating to a cause for someone to get a vacation, or new tires, or fake breasts, but when it comes to sucide prevention, people just turn their heads.

Please don't be that person.

I have been sharing my story with you for 5 years now. We're like family.

Please donate at least $1.

help me help others.

we can all make a difference.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

people need other people. x6

are we about to lose our shit?

oh no. i think we're way past about to. i think its already been lost.

im so sick of everyones shit.

so sick of the whining and the bullshit and the drama.


do you not realize that there are real problems in the world that are bigger than how big your fucking ring is?
how many selfies you can post on instagram or facebook?
how many bad things you can say about a person?

am i the only one whos been paying attention to whats been going on in the world? around me?

am i the only one who has realized that...

im dying?

that im crying?

that the silence in my world is so loud its deafening?

or that im screaming so loud that no one can hear me?

is that whats been happening over the past few years? is that why youve decided to treat me like shit?

is it true that i remind you of whats wrong in your life? that i remind you of your downfalls?

is it true that im not actually a burden to you, that youre really a sucktastic human being and im really the awesome person that ive always been and your true colors are finally coming out?

is that whats happening?

you do realize its been six years, right?

and you all have lied to me at one time or another.


i mean.

we have those of you who are in the pictures at the beginning of the album. who promised to stay. who never faltered.

but as the days and weeks and months went by, you stopped coming and stopped calling and stopped responding.

and the cys people were cuntbags so there was that. because, ya know, my posting about having a bad day and being in pain and having a boyfriend who cheated on me was my posting about hating the people i loved the most. because that makes sense. right?


and then you have the people who sent cards who stopped sending cards.

and then you have the people who showed up about two years in. because they thought i was finally getting better. but when they saw i started to decline and then i was no longer of value to them because nicci didnt drink. nicci couldnt karaoke. nicci couldnt drive their drunk asses home anymore, nicci was worthless.

so theres them.

and then you have those who just went away altogether. my illness was just too much anymore. they were sick of me being sick.

uhm. hello!!! do you not think im sick of that too?

or the people who can find time for boyfriends but not for me. because that makes perfect sense. because dicks before chicks. obvi.

and then there are the people who say they care and then they dont. theyre on your facebook. they friend you. they send you event invites when it benefits them so you can buy them stuff. they only spend time with you when you have money and you can pay to do things. god forbid they spend time at your house and you watch a movie or you have conversations. because... you know... youre sick and disabled and you dont have an income like people who work and who are healthy.

do you know who i have in my life?

if you can name yourself as one of those people that you think i would name right here, good for you.

but if you question whether or not i would write your name, we might have a problem.

more than likely we do.

why do you treat me this way?

do you have any idea how dark it is being alone for 12 hours a day? any idea at all?

what its like to be alone, to not be able to drive or to go anywhere or to have anyone to sit with you and have a conversation with you or tell you youre worth it or that they want you to stay or that you matter or that your life is important or that you should not kill yourself?

do you?

do you know what its like to sit on hold with a suicide hotline for 10 minutes and then hang up because youre still on hold and then fight with yourself and try with all your might to give yourself reasons to hold on?

because ive been fighting with myself. for weeks now.

and its just not getting any easier. it did. but then today happened and were back to the beginning.

but thursday is coming so i will keep fighting because panda is coming so i will until then because he will be here. and at least i will have a friend that i can cry with.

i have had a friend crawl out of the wall over the past few days. not sure why, but i believe God knew i needed him. ive been blessed to have someone to talk to and open my eyes to a new way to view my life and the way people are and to a new way of thinking.

i havent been this angry in quite some time.

i am stressed beyond belief.

i just want to punch someone in the teeth.

im sick of being taken advantage of. of people making me feel guilty.

of people doubting my abilities. just because i am sick does not mean i am not longer me. i am still a star. i still shine. i am still an individual. i am still capable of doing things myself. just because i cannot do everything i used to, does not mean i need to be constantly treated like i am 6 months old. people need to start having more faith in me and stop treating me like i am going to die tomorrow.

how can i live if im constantly being treated like im already dead?!

and i think thats why more and more i want to just end my life.

if everyone treats me like im already dead. then what exactly is the point of me living? if im just a ghost wandering through your lives, would my absence even matter? i mean, what good to i do for you? i dont add anything to your existence. i dont matter to your life.

you just say you know the sick girl.

and please. dont attend my funeral because you havent been around during my present.

that would piss the shit out of me off.

that sentence made no sense but you get my point.

and again, no. i am noy going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

i am not going to kill myself.

it wouldnt be fair to my cousin whos far away right now if i didnt say goodbye to him, since he seems to be the only one whos actually taking the time to be there for me, even when he cant.

please stop being so caught up in yourselves that you forget about the people around you.

people are hurting.

the world is a scary place.

people need other people.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

i lost my sight today

well, five years ago today.

5 years ago yesterday i went in for emergency brain surgery. a crainiotomy, to remove my pituitary tumor that was causing my cushing's disease that no one knew i had. all anyone knew was that i had this tumor, that was growing rapidly and was pressing up against my optic nerve and that if i didn't have it removed i would go blind.

funny story about how i didn't go blind before we even knew i had this tumor.

i was walking around with shitbrick (my term of endearment for my loving ex boyfriend whom, when we found out about my tumor told me, this is your problem, i'm out. oh, and when i had my blood clots in my lungs, told me he didn't care if i died in the hospital. i pick winners i tell ya!!) anyway, i was walking around with him at great adventure on flag day in 2010 because i had such an awesome job working for the county that we got that day off and he well, had no life and had that day off as well so we went to great adventure. and, i was walking around on a broken foot because lovely pocono medical center told me it WAS NOT broken. asshats. anyway, ALL OF THE UPSIDE DOWN ROLLER COASTERS WERE OUT OF COMMISSION THAT DAY! so, we we didn't know i had my brain tumor and i was told if i had gone upside down, i would have lost my sight because the tumor could have moved and pushed up hard against my optic nerve and BAM. blind girl.

back to today. i had my surgery and woke up fine. and then the next day, today, well, 5 years ago today, i couldn't see out of my right eye. there was no vision. the nurse didn't believe me, but it was black. more of a beige, but nothing. she did all sorts of tests and nothing. she called dr douche and he came to the hospital right away and sent me for an mri of my head which scared the shit out of my mom because i had JUST came out of surgery and was in icu and that was a NONO. so, my mom raced to the hospital and i told all of the nurses to not tell her about my vision loss because i wanted to tell her. i didn't want her to freak out. but she did. i handled it quite well. i though maybe i'd get it back. i never did. i remember i wouldn't let anyone visit me in the hospital because i just sank. and the headaches were awful. but, they did lots of testing and no one could figure out what happened. the doctor put me on suicide watch and put a bed in my room and i had to have someone stay with my 24/7. i didn't understand why. i wasn't suicidal. he felt really bad. i kinda was just like, i'm alive so... what's the big deal. i still have my other eye? am i allowed to drive? he said yes. so... at least i had that. i mean, it sucked, but, i was ALIVE. oh. and then i found out the guy who was promising to stay by my side while i was in the hospital was fucking someone else. thank you to the girl who decided to text me while i was recovering for that message. that made everything so much easier to deal with. that was a bitch move. you know who you are. but, we're friends now. not me and him, he's a douche. we both hate him. me and her. weird, i know but, whatever.

so. here i am.

oh. before i start that. i had gone to a neurologist  two years later and he said hmmm. and i said what, and he said there it is. there what it? that's where he severed your optic nerve. i can see the slice.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?! well, that's lovely. and not like anything can be done because my shitty lawyers took their sweet ass time with the malpractice suit and by the time i wanted to get new lawyers, it was too late. the statute of limitations was up. yay me. but, at least i was granted disability. for a multitude of things. that was fun.

so anyway. here i am. my mom wants me to talk about it. and i don't know what she wants me to talk about. so, i'm just gonna go...

it sucks not being able to see. i look at pictures of myself and i see my eyes looking two different ways and that bothers me. or how bout when someone points out to me that my eye is shifting. because that's something i always like to hear about it. yeah nicole. i can see that you're disabled. gee thanks. i know i look like a fucking moron. you don't need to point it the fuck out to me. that goes for all of you. i know i look different. i know that you can tell i have a headache when my eye shifts. you asking, do you have a headache? your eye is shifting. IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE THING TO DO! HOW BOUT I SAY, DID YOU EAT AT WENDY'S? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GAINED FIVE POUNDS! do i do that to you? no, i do not. do i comment on how you raise your children? your relationships? do i make any comments about your physical appearances whatsoever? NO! SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT OK FOR YOU TO DO IT TO ME?!

and yes. i get it. my hair gets in front of my eye. do i know that? NO. if it's bothering you, TOO FUCKING BAD! I CAN'T SEE IT! if we're going to be taking a picture though, and my hair is in front of my eye, the kind thing to do would be to either 1. push my hair behind my glasses or 2. tell me but be fucking nice about it.

oh. and if we're going somewhere, walk on my left side. walk NEXT to me. NOT behind me. if you walk behind me, i won't know where you are and my anxiety will be going through the roof! i will be constantly looking to see where you are. and DO NOT WALK ON MY RIGHT SIDE BECAUSE I WILL HIT YOU. i talk with my hands. i have hit people before. it's not my fault if you get smacked. deal with it. if you feel the need to walk on my right side, link arms with me. my friends tend to walk on my right side and then they'll disappear on me. DO NOT DISAPPEAR ON ME. that is one of the worst things you can do to me. DO NOT ABANDON ME SOMEWHERE WHERE I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM.
1. i have short term memory loss and i will not know where i am
2. i have anxiety and i will freak out
3. i am like a small child and will feel lost

my douche bag ex boyfriend that i talked about in my blog before this one did this to me and we had and all out brawl.

i still walk into things. i have no depth perception and i think things are farther away than they are. or i'll think something is closer than it is and i'll go to grab something and i'll miss. that's why i don't pour drinks for people at parties or at restaurants. i can't reach across the table and pour. it has to be done for me. i can do it at home, no problem, because i can pick it up as close to my face as possible, but i feel like an ass doing that in public.

i'm still a pretty bad ass driver and i'm pretty good at parallel parking. maybe even better than i was when i could see.

i try not to let this get the best of me because, well, what good would it do?

the past three days have been rough. all these memories. my depression has been in overdrive. i do have a good friend who has been by my side letting me talk to him about everything and i'm really blessed because even though he doesn't get what i'm going through, i've been able to cry on his shoulder.

wow. i can't believe how many times i've cussed lol. i haven't cussed in three months. haha. oh well. Jesus still loves me. Guess i'll have to start over.

but there. now i've talked about it.

i just don't see what point there is to holding onto the anger about going blind would do me. does it suck? yeah. do i want my sight back? yeah. did i think that once i was baptized i'd be seeing again? you betcha. but, that didn't happen, now did it? no. so... there's the story morning glory.

be blessed.

and don't take your health for granted.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

you need to read this

i could tell everyone what you did to me. how you treated me. the bad thing that you did.

i could write all the awful things i think when i think of you. how you make my skin crawl. all the thoughts i have when i think of you.

i could write a really nasty blog to get my point across. and i have. a few times. but i've deleted it. because really, what would hurting you do?



whatever i am going through, is none of your business. my life has nothing to do with you anymore. you are NOT my boyfriend. we are not even friends! you destroyed that on your own. so do us both a favor, and just move on!

Jesus said to turn the other cheek and to love our enemies, I am TRYING to do that, but you are creeping me out and making me sick to my stomach. so please, do us both a favor and just GO. and if you still feel the need to read my blog posts, DO NOT comment on them, DO NOT message me about them, JUST GO! this blog was meant for me and my friends and family and for people dealing with cushings disease and depression. not creepy psycho ex boyfriends who get off on stalking me. even that was a low blow. and i'll ask for forgiveness tonight for those hurtful words but, i don't know how else to get my point across. GO AWAY!!!

now, maybe i'll sleep tonight without nightmares.