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Sunday, February 8, 2015

My story

For those of you who don't know the story behind my getting sick...


I was never diagnosed with Cushings, or even thought that it could be an issue. No one ever suggested it to me, I never researched it. When I started the rapid weight gain, my first doctor told me that I was fat and I needed plastic surgery to correct the problem. When I asked her about my buffalo hump, she told me that I had that because I was fat.
I worked out like a crazy person, three hours a day. I lived off of salads and yogurt! I never thought this would be my life...


In April of 2010 I was starting to have blackouts. I've always struggled with migraines, but these were really bad. I was even forgetting who I was, where I was, how I got places, nothing was making sense. In May, I went to the emergency room because I started to black out while I was driving for work. I asked for a CT to be done on my head. The ER dr just gave me tylenol and told me to go home, that my headache was was just that, a headache and I was just stressed out. He told me to take the next day off of work to rest, so that's what I did. Maybe I was too stressed out from work, I mean, I was a county caseworker, I had a crappy boyfriend. Maybe I was just too stressed out and that's what was getting to me.
Bring me to the following week where I blacked out, fell down the inside steps at my house, went out the front door and went out the outside steps. How this happened, I still don't know, but that's what happened. My brother took me to the er and they said i had a bad sprain so I had to miss work. AGAIN. And of course the rumors were flying. The girls at work were saying that I was missing work because I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, that, get this, he was going to take me to the beach ON A SLED and pull me around. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A DOUCHE HE WAS? I swear. I worked with some AWESOME people! So, resting I was. And then I was walking on it. But, I was walking funny. A couple of the girls at work convinced me to go back to the foot doctor, so I did. Guess who actually had a BROKEN foot? yeah. the hospital MISREAD the xray. Nice, right?
So, he casted me and told me to stay home for a few days. AGAIN. I was home AGAIN. They were really starting to love me at work. So, after being at work for a few weeks, I started to get charlie horses in my leg. I called the drs office and the receptionist told me that they were normal and to take my painkillers. Did she put me through to the nurse? No. She decided to take it upon herself to answer my questions. Well, a few days later, I had a fever and was throwing up so I DEMANDED to be seen. He saw me, actually had no idea I was even coming in and took my cast off. Did a pressure test and sent me across the street to have a dopplar done. Turns out, I had BLOOD CLOTS in my leg. So, the dr gave me some shots, taught my mom how to do it and then sent me home. Told us that if I had pain in my chest that I should go right to the emergency room. Well, I was an asthmatic. I ALWAYS had chest pain, so how would I know the difference?
I took advantage of having my cast off. I gave myself a pedicure, shaved my legs and then the next day, we went BACK to the emergency room, where... you'll never guess what! BLOOD CLOTS in my LUNGS! YAY ME! So, I was there for a week. Then, I was home for two because I still had a broken foot and my dr was on vacation and he couldn't clear me to go back to work. So, I FINALLY went back to work and the headaches were starting again. I called the pharmacy where my sister worked and her pharmacist told her to have me call my dr right away. (I was on coumadin and they wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding in the brain) So, I called my Dr and he had me come in right away to do a catscan. Well, no brain bleed. But, I did have a tumor on my pituitary gland and brain atrophy. What a great day I was having. So, I went for an MRI to confirm what we already knew. My dr, my NEW dr (the one who discovered the blood clots, the brain tumor, the man who, in essence, SAVED MY LIFE, Dr. Degler) had put a call into the neurologists office and set me up with an appointment to see him in a week or so. I can't remember. What I DO remember is having a headache so bad that I had my parents take me to his office and FORCING him to see me. (It didn't hurt that his nurse was  my lifelong best friends mom) So, he saw me and do you know what he told me? That THE HOSPITAL MISREAD MY CATSCAN! The tumor had been there the entire time! He had no idea how they hadn't seen it and it had continued to grow! (now we're in July) He gave me a shot of tramadol and then gave me a list of tests that I needed to have done. He told me that I had plenty of time to have them all done.
Yeah... so much for that theory. 
He called me around 7 that night and told me that I had an appointment on Friday with the neurosurgeon because I couldn't wait. The tumor was pressing on my optic nerve and I was lucky that I hadn't gone blind yet.
*Funny story. As I was walking around on my misdiagnosed BROKEN foot, I had gone to six flags and ALL of the upside down roller coasters were not working.*
So, I met with the neurosurgeon and he told me that there was a blood test I could do to see which kind of tumor it was to see whether or not it had to be out within the next three days. I failed the test. So, I needed it out. I woke up fine. Then the next day, I had no vision in my right eye. (Later we would come to find out that he had nicked my optic nerve. ) I was in the hospital for 13 days. Shaved head. Blind. But making friends with all the nurses. Oh, I had had a crainiotomy. That's the way he decided to hack into me. (Because of what he did to me, he has since retired)
He sent me to his brother in law, the endocrinologist, who was worthless. He told me that there was no way I could have cushings. No one had cushings. And that I was just fat. I needed to stop eating. Gosh, I just love these doctors!
And then I come to find out that the tumor isn't gone! First, he told me that the MRI was completely clear, that he got it all and that it wasn't going to come back. But, I wanted a second opinion. We sought out a new neurosurgeon at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia and found Dr.Moshel (who has since moved to a different practice). He was a godsend! He did a new MRI on me and found out that I still had a tumor, that the MRI that Dr. Daneshdoost (old guy) did still had a tumor on it and that this one had grown and wrapped around my carotid artery and down my sinus cavity. He was going to save me! He and Dr.Degler had directed me to Dr.Vengrove at LVPG Diabetes and Endocrinology and he was a godsend! He listened to me, he diagnosed me with cushings, he had no idea why no one didn't before. His entire staff was so kind and caring. I actually started to cry when I met him because I finally met someone who was listening to me. I finally had a team of doctors who were going to work together who were going to save me! So, I had my second surgery in April, a transphenoidal sinus surgery. He had to leave some of it in because if he didn't and pulled it the wrong way, I would have lost all facial movement. Our next step was Proton Lindic radiosurgery. Well, it killed my tumor, but didn't kill the Cushing's. I had to wait two years to see if it worked. Nope. So, That brings us to December 6,2013. The day I supposedly got my life back. I had a bilateral adrenalectomy. (had both of my adrenal glands removed) You can't live without your adrenal glands so now I'm living on replacement hydrocortisone and fludrocortisone. The weight started to fall off, but now I'm at a plateau. I still feel like garbage. Some days, I wonder if the surgery was worth it, even though, I know that it was. The Cushing's is gone. I'm praying that it stays gone. I don't say I'm cured, I just say that I'm in remission. One day there will be a better cure for Cushing's than destroying us. I can't work. Some days I can't even get out of bed. This disease is nasty. And now? Now I'm primary adrenal insufficiency, which is scary in itself. This disease could kill me, too. Some days I wonder why I was chosen to live this life, but if I keep sitting around and wondering why, I'll never live. So, I just have to keep pressing on. One day there will be a cure. I just hope that maybe my case was one that teaches the doctors something new, maybe helps them find something that can help them find that cure, or maybe help someone who is struggling with this disease better understand it and be able to get the answers that they need. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

This needs to be said.

ok. so, y'all know how completely, wonderfully, "refreshingly honest" i am, right? well, get ready. cause here it comes.

if there's one thing i can't stand, it's negativity. i really can't stand someone who's negative all that time. life really isn't all that bad.

but nicci, what about you? what about all the negativity you spew?

i know. i suck. i hate that about myself. no. no, i really don't. i don't hate anything about myself. and do you know WHY that is? because i am a bowl full of AWESOME that's why! even when i was DROWNING in my depression, deep down, i knew that. i knew that i was worth it. that i was worth someone's time. that i was worth the effort. that i deserved to be loved. i struggled with the will to live, but i knew that i was awesome.

doesn't really make much sense, does it? i know. but NEWSFLASH!!!! DEPRESSION DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

and for you fuckers who say that you CHOOSE to be depressed? here's a nice bowl of go fuck yourself because NO ONE CHOOSES TO WANT TO DIE. NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL HOPELESS. NO ONE CHOOSES THE DARKNESS TO WASH OVER THEM.

do you really think that if i had a choice, i would feel like this all of the damn time? fucking assholes. seriously. that's what you are. did i offend you? GOOD. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

and here's the kicker. i'm feeling damn good about myself right about now. i am not caring what anyone thinks of me. i am loving my beautiful self. i am not letting the darkness consume me as much as it was. and do you know WHY that is? i am not CHOOSING anything. i am taking some really good shit! that's right! i am on some good holistic medicine and it is working it's magic on me and i am not feeling so down about my life. so of course, i am gonna see negativity and want to slap it in the fucking face!

but, here's another thing, even when i was drowning, i was still trying to save people. i didn't want anyone to feel what i was feeling. if you've never dealt with depression, and i pray to God that you never do, you won't know what it's like to feel like you're never gonna get better. that your life is over. that there is no way out. that you're suffocating. that you're drowning. that there is no sunlight.

but on the days where there is that little glimmer of sunlight.... you dance. and you dance with all of your might and you hold on for dear life because let me tell you friends, that little bit of sunlight doesn't last very long and then you're back to feeling like you're drowning again. the darkness takes over and you feel like the world is going to end.

and now? now i see sunshine. not a lot of it, but i do see it. i've always known how incredibly blessed i am. do i know why i got sick? no. but maybe it was God's way of telling me to slow down. to protect me from something else. who knows. only HE knows. and you know what? for now, that's ok, i've been beaten. i've been almost raped. i've been cheated on. i've been left. my fiance told me he didn't believe that i was as sick as i said i was, that i was FAKING my brain tumor, even though we started dating WHILE he was visiting me IN the hospital AFTER my SECOND brain surgery and he proposed to me TWO DAYS before my RADIATION. i've been lied to. i've been left for dead. i've lost part of my vision. i've had three brain surgeries. i've had blood clots that almost killed me. i've had cushings disease that tried to kill me. i now have primary adrenal insufficiency which, if not treated, can kill me. i have ptsd, anxiety, depression, mood disorder, seasonal affective disorder, occipital neuralgia, medial nerve damage, tennis elbow, golfers elbow, cognitive delays, traumatic brain injury, chronic migraine, and the list goes on. oh, and i can't work. not sure if i'll ever be able to go back to work. so please, tell me how bad your life is.

my life is so incredibly blessed it's not even funny. even in my darkest hour, i prayed. i prayed for someone to save me. none of my friends seemed to want anything to do with helping me, so he sent my angel, my mother. and she saved me. she stopped me from swallowing those pills. she stopped me from killing myself that night last year.

and then do you know what he did? He sent me HIM. i wasn't gonna make this mushy because right now he's getting on my last nerve. but, he sent me someone to show me that they're not all the same. someone to listen to me cry my eyes out at ruby tuesday's about what's going on in my life and to talk to me about things. to make me feel like everything is going to be ok. someone who, when i'm having one of my really bad days and i can't get out of bed, will deliver roses and coffee on my door step for me to find when i wake up, even when he gets stuck in my driveway because he car sucks. lol. he sent me someone who's gonna laugh with me when i go car crazy and turn up taylor swift and scream and say that's my jam and laugh while i pretend to know the words and dance my heart out in the car. he sent me someone to write poems about! he sent me someone who's gonna stand by me, who's gonna research my disease and try to understand it. someone who, right now i wanna punch in the face but who i know is worth standing by.

do you know what else he did? he gave me a csilla. someone who has stood by me since the 5th grade and has consistently checked in on me. someone who has shown me the meaning of true friendship. someone who is proud to call me her friend. someone who, all of her friends know who i am. this girl even calls me her HERO! who does that? this girl has a piece of my heart that i'll never want back. i'm so honored to be standing up for her in her wedding next year as her maid of honor. this girl is not just my friend, but my sister. we share most of the same beliefs, we pray to the same God and we believe in the same love. i'm so excited to have double dates with her! our guys finally met at her superbowl party and while they didn't get to talk much, they have a lot in common so i know our double dates will just be wonderful. i'm excited. and i'm so blessed to have her in my life. she has stayed up late with me many a night to talk me off my ledge, most recently as last week when i was bawling my eyes out after a certain situation erupted and brought chaos to my life. she's a godsend. a true earth angel.

life is not that bad.

oh. and there was the whole, meeting Jamie Tworkowski from TWLOHA. but that's another blog for another day. that man has saved my life many a day. He's amazing. and I met him. and... it was better than meeting HANSON. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

but yes. i can't stand negativity. if you think your life is so bad, change it. you're the only one who can control your situation. unless you're clinically depressed. no one chooses that. depression chooses you.

and come to terms with your depression. if you have thoughts of depression, sadness, inferiority, feelings of hopelessness and despair and they just won't go away... it's not a bad thing to ask for help. there's no shame in that. i see a therapist every week. i have been since i was 16 years old. i'm not ashamed to say that.

yes. talking to friends helps. but sometimes, you need more than that. i'm always willing to listen, but i can't save you. and i can't always help you. i'll be honest, i've got A LOT of shit going on, but i'll always listen. sometimes i think my friends don't want to tell me about what's going on in their lives because they're afraid of what it will do to me emotionally. that and, they don't want to hear the truth. but here's the thing, i've never been the, there there. it's all gonna be ok. kinda friend. no. i'm gonna tell you how it is and that's just how it is. yes, i will tell you that you are a bucket of awesomesauce, because you are. but the minute i see you settling, or see you living a life that you shoudn't be, once you ask me for my opinion, believe you me, you will get it. Csilla knows that. that's one of the things that she says she loves about me. but, if you can't handle that about me, then we don't need to be friends. i think that my friends, they may not say it, but, they appreciate it about me. anyone who knows me, knows how "refreshingly brutally honest" i am. i won't change that about myself. ok, so maybe i could tone it down sometimes, but, whatever. you either handle me, or you don't. man up.

so, i end with this, find your blessing. even in your darkest hour. none of us want to die, we just want to be saved.

and when you say that dying won't solve your problems, well... that's another story for another day. but i'm feeling pretty darn good so i won't go down that path. but i could start a whole nother argument for that one...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

the thrills of online dating

you know those butterflies you get in your stomach when you meet someone pretty incredible? those are fun. the sparks. the chemistry. all of that. it feels like high school all over again. i love that feeling. i'm all about those feelings.

and thanks to the internet, i get to experience those feelings. more than i'd like to. you see, thanks to online dating, the thrill of meeting someone and wondering what could happen and pursuing that person and the possibility of a relationship... DIES. it just does. why you may ask? BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKING COMPETITION. oh. i like you. let's hold hands and kiss and talk about what could happen with us. but ooh look. that one has bigger boobs or a flatter stomach or a better job or isn't sick or has blonde hair or blue eyes or is more exotic or has something that you don't and BAM it's on to the next one. there is no such thing as monogamy in the online dating world. no no. it's all about how many chicks you can score at once. you date as many people at one time as you can. why bother pursuing ONE person that you've connected with when,you might just find someone better?

i guess i'm old school. i feel that, if you've connected with someone, you should put the others aside and actively pursue that ONE person and see where things go with them. what's the point of being with all of the others? is it really all just a game? are we really that disgusting? my mom says i don't give people enough chances. and, maybe that's true. but honestly, why should i? when i find out that you're seeing other people, i feel like i should take myself out of the equation because i don't want to have to compete with someone else for your attention. that's not how i do things. if you want to be with me, then BE WITH ME. don't be with me and everyone else. i don't need an std. and no, i don't sleep around. if we're in a relationship. then you get the benefits of all that goes with it. but honestly, i think i'm not even gonna kiss a guy unless he's serious about me, no matter how good it feels. i mean, i kiss them because i want to see if we have that chemistry but with kissing comes feelings and do i really want to open my self up to any of that? when he's just in it for the gratification? act like a lady, think like a man. i think i need to start putting my money where my mouth is. and then, when a guy shows interest and when i think i can trust him, i let him in and he turns out to be a total douchey douche. so, what do i do? we're not supposed to let our past precede us, but doesn't it? don't we base all of our decisions on past experiences? i know that i'm an open book and tend to trust people too easily, but when i try and be an ice queen, i only end up hurting myself and possibly missing out on something wonderful. so where do i draw the line? this whole thing is confusing. i hate dating. i really wish that we were born with a card that told us who we were born to be with and when. the rest of the stuff wouldn't matter. it would cut out so much heartache and drama. *sigh* i guess it's more game playing for now. but honestly, i'm ready to just say goodbye.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

the girl in the mirror

she's pretty.
brown eyes.
currently has red hair.
most of the time wears glasses.
but,
i don't really recognize her. 

i'm all over the place. i'm either wanting my world to end, or ready to start my next adventure. i'm either picking a fight with someone or in love with everyone. i'm either thinking about how horrible my life is, or encouraging others that it DOES get better.

i'm in pain ALL of the time. literally some part of my body hurts every.single.day. no one seems to know how to make it stop. i only have ONE doctor that seems to want to listen to me. the rest just seem to pass it off to the other one. nice, right? and my case is so unique that GUESS WHAT? i have something NEW wrong with me. and... i guess you'll never guess this one... it's RARE! hahahahaha. i  LOVE THIS LIFE. seriously. it just gets better and better.

i am alienating everyone. i don't want to be around anyone. everyone is either pissing me off or adding to the depression. you're either part of the problem or part of the solution and most of the world is part of the problem. don't ask me why, you just are.

i feel pretty alone. like no one gets it. and how can you? you're not stuck in this body. you're not living this life. you're not faced with the stigma... you're not "disabled" "handicapped" "broken" "diseased" " ill" are you?  are you forced to sit back and watch the world go on without you? are you sitting here watching all of your friends get married and have kids while your insides go to waste because a doctor screwed up? because a disease destroyed you? are you sitting here feeling like you're on the outside looking in? are you sitting here feeling like you're falling further and further away from your closest friends because you just don't fit into their circles anymore? do you? do you feel like you just don't belong? do you feel like you just don't have a place in this world anymore so maybe you'd be better off in another world? in a world where there would be no more pain? no more anger? no more hurt? do you ever feel like that? i do. all the damn time. these thoughts cross my mind. i told you. every day a part of me hurts. i just never said what part. and yes, physically i hurt, too.

do you know what it's like to be made to feel like shit because you're "disabled, handicapped, broken, diseased or ill"? i do. it sucks. it hurts. it's not my fault i can't do the things i once used to. and you know what? i am NOT handicapped. i am NOT disabled. i am full of more life than most healthy people.

do you see what i did there? there's the all over the place thing. i can't take this anymore! i hate that i'm going through this. i can't stand that my family is going through this with me. the only person who knows about any of this is my twin, because she's the only one who i really trust with any of this. who kinda gets it. not that some of my other inner circle wouldn't get it. i know that one in particular is reading this right now because i asked her to would try to understand, but because she's never walked this path, she may not. if you don't live this life, live it with me day to day, it's hard to get it.

when you're sick, your whole life changes. everything is thrown through a loop. your family is thrown through a loop. they're affected, too, people disappear. friends leave. you understand who really gives a fuck and who doesn't. honestly? i don't give a shit. you don't want to be here for me? there's the door. i'm done. my give a damn's been busted for years.

i'm starting to hate the woman i'm becoming. and that's not a good thing. but other days, i'm completely in love with myself. no. that's bullshit. i kinda like myself. i'm falling into this dark hole and i can't really see a way out. i've met some people who sort of get it, and i'm thankful for that but, they're not here. they're in an online addisons support group so... really... how much help they can really be, i'll never know. but it's a start.

*sigh* this whole thing sucks. i keep hearing that it's going to get better but... it's been 9 months now. and so far, it's just gotten worse. so really, i'd like to call bullshit on that one. i may look like a million bucks but i feel like my bank account has been overdrawn.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

you, me and Patch Adams

I am stunned. Heartbroken. Shocked. Dismayed. And yet I can't help but think... 

if the demons were too strong for Robin Williams to fight... what makes me think that I, me, Nicci, am going to be strong enough to wage this war?

He had access to much more help than I ever will. Or so... I hope he did. But maybe his demons were stronger. He left behind a family. He left behind a legacy. He left behind a story and raised some eyebrows and I think he woke people up. 

Did he wake YOU up? are YOU thinking about mental illness and depression and suicide awareness now? are YOU listening? 

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

I used to sit back and wonder what it was gonna take for people to open their eyes to depression and suicide and everything that went along with it. I think people are finally going to start talking. No. I don't think they are. They are. 

I was listening to Jeff and Amanda on KRZ today and they talked about it for a good 45 minutes. I was in tears. People were texting, calling and emailing them with their stories. Jeff was talking about his sister's depression. People are starting to talk. My friend, my newfound spoonie, he's my new soldier and we're going into battle together. At least, that's how we're looking at things. It's like no one around us understands what we're going through. And, we try talking to our friends, everyone says, talk to me, I'm here for you but, are you really there for me? Some of you say you are but, then I feel like I'm being blown off. Having a soldier who's actually waging this same war with me, we're leaning on each other. Crying together, sending each other spoons, getting on each other's nerves. It's kinda nice. Now DON'T think for ONE SECOND that I don't need YOU, too! Because I DO! I NEED my friends. I NEED my family. I need people by my side. So does he. People need other people. Everybody needs somebody. Haven't you figured that part out yet? We can't fight our demons on our own. Wars can't be fought alone. That's how we crash and burn. 

We also must not stay silent. The issues of suicide and mental illness and depression NEED to be talked about! Lives are being lost. People are afraid to talk about things. I think it might be because when they do reach out, people don't know what to say and then they just get blown off or abandoned. 

Here's what I have to say to those who don't know what to say:

If you think you don't know what to say, SO WHAT!!!! You're being reached out to because this person loves you and NEEDS you! SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING! SAY I LOVE YOU! SAY YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! SAY WHAT'S WRONG? SAY TALK TO ME! SAY I'M HERE FOR YOU! SAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER? SAY WHAT CAN I DO? SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

There are PLENTY of things to say. Just PICK UP THE PHONE!!! CALL HIM OR HER BACK! TEXT BACK! DO NOT IGNORE THE PERSON! ALWAYS TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! SUICIDE IS NEVER A JOKE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME NOW!?!

 I think the excuse of not knowing what to say is a bullshit one. I don't care what mood I'm in or what I'm doing, if you need me or if you're depressed or thinking about ending it, I WILL BE THERE. CALL ME. TEXT ME. COME TO ME. I AM HERE AND I WILL TALK TO YOU. YES I am going through my own stuff and dealing with my own demons and depression but that doesn't mean I can't be there for someone else and help talk someone off a ledge. In fact, I actually think that it makes me more aware because I'm dealing with the same stuff I wouldn't want someone else do be going through what I'm going through so I'd try and help them out of it. 

PLEASE REACH OUT. PLEASE. 

WAKE UP PEOPLE. THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE AND NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH. 

I really hope that Robin's Legacy lives on and that his memory lives forever. He was a true genius and touches millions of people. I also hope that people look at his death and see his struggle and that people start talking and reaching out. 

know that I am here. reach out to ME. talk to ME. and if I can talk to YOU let me know. Unless you're Lissa because, that's given ;) You've saved me once pretty girl, I know that you'll continue to save me time after time. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

SAY SOMETHING!!!!

well... i wasn't sure that i was going to blog about this. i was pretty sure that i was going to keep this one under wraps because quite frankly... i didn't think anyone would care. still not too sure that anyone is going to but... because i'm not happy with the way it was handled i'm going to open my mouth. 

do you know what i was doing three weeks ago? 

i had a bottle of pills in my hand and i was going to swallow them. 

i wanted to end my life. 

i texted three people and told them i wanted to end it all. i told them that i was to the point where i wanted to take all of my pain meds and end it all. 

and how was it handled? 

no one responded. well, one did. he texted me as soon as he got on his break. but all he said was NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! and then NICCI? to make sure i was still there. 

my other friends? one was sleeping and messaged me the next afternoon with, that's not a good solution. come visit. 

the other one? I MESSAGED HER. the next day because i needed someone. anyone. her phone was dead and she didn't think i was serious. and she didn't know what to say. 

the other one didn't know what to say.

so let's just stay silent right?

so you're probably wondering why i'm still here. right? i honestly didn't think that i had enough pills to go through it and then my mom walked in on my sobbing hysterically and then i just lost it on her when she wrapped her arms around me with:

i'm don't want to be sick anymore. when am i gonna be better? i should be better already! i just wanna die! i'm all alone! no one cares about me! why am i all alone? why did everyone leave me? why am i still sick? why did god do this to me? 

and a lot more, i just don't remember. 

but it was a very dark place.

but really. let's just not say anything or not talk about it because it doesn't matter or should be swept under the rug, right? 

WRONG! 

ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING! 

suicide should NEVER be taken lightly. ESPECIALLY when you know that the person struggles with depression and has struggled with suicidal ideations before. it's not a joke and should NEVER be treated as such. 

you should have called my mom. or my sister. come on, man. 

how would yoi'm still u have felt if you had gotten the call the next day, Nicole's dead. and you were just like... i thought she was kidding? you would've felt like shit. 

i struggle with this stuff more than i'd like to. sometimes i'm tempted to cover up my ' you cannot be replaced' tattoo because honestly? can i really not be replaced? sometimes i doubt that. i really do. 

cushings has given me the worst depression. it really sucks and i struggle with it all the time. and the darkness comes and washes over me out of nowhere. and it's like i can't see the stars. i get sucked into the abyss and i'm just drowning. when i reach out to you, i'm not doing it because i want to. i'm doing it because i need to. 

sometimes i don't know who i can rely on. sometimes i don't even think i can rely on myself. :(

thank god for my mom, though. 

suicide isn't something to mess around with. i don't take it lightly. i've lost people to suicide and when i say i want to end my life, I WANT TO END MY LIFE. 

there are things i could tell you that would make you cry, if you knew what i was thinking. you'd be like, but you seem so happy.

do you have ANY idea as to what this disease has done to me? any clue at all? every day i'm fighting for my life. 

i may have received my cure, but i'm nowhere near where i need to be. i'm still not able to work. not able to go back to school. not able to run around and be free. i'm still taking baby steps and it sucks. do i try and see the positive side to life? always, but i have no control over when the darkness comes. and the fact that i'm alone in this doesn't help. you can say i'm not. but you're not fighting this with me. more than likely, you're one of the people that's left me high and dry. 

my point in this, is to not stay silent. NEVER stay silent. if someone is hurting, and they are coming to you, always say something. you never know how much you are going to be helping them. your words may be little and seem insignificant to you, but they will mean the world to someone else. 

no matter how much i am struggling, i will ALWAYS be there for my friends. ALWAYS. know that you can ALWAYS come to me. even if you're one of the few strangers that happens to come across my blog, if you need someone to talk to, if you're struggling, message me. i will listen. i may not understand what you are going through, but i promise you, i will be there. 

mental illness is made to be silenced and i'm sick of it. it should be talked about. what are we afraid of? just because it's not cancer? or aids? so what? TALK ABOUT IT!!! depression is real and it's happening. it should not be ignored, nor should the people who have it be ignored. if it were treated correctly, more lives would be saved. 

we lost a life in the cushings community a few weeks back because she couldn't handle the depression and being sick anymore so she jumped off a roof. it's not right that we get dismissed. doctors don't seem to realize how bad it gets for us. how dark it gets. depression is real in the cushings community and we need to band together and help each other out. we need our friends and our families to be there for us and help pull us out of the darkness. we need to feel unconditional love. we need to know that we are not alone. and let me tell you something, we feel COMPLETELY alone. no matter how many of you say you are there for us, you really need to prove it to us. and one slip up is going to make us doubt you. and you can't hold that against us. we're so used to being let down and hurting that it's just going to be one more thing in our dark world that we're going to be like, seriously? et tu, brute? that's what it'll feel like. and you can say it shouldn't be like that. and maybe you're right. but until you've lived this life, you can't judge us and can't tell us how to feel or what to do or how to act or how to be. 

take us seriously. 
listen to our cries for help. 
be there for us. 

ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING. 


Friday, June 20, 2014

jaded

*sigh*

i think that's what i am. jaded.

i used to have the most positive outlook on everything and believe the best in everybody. but now? seriously? the words, "i'm different", "i'm not like the rest of them" or "i've changed", just make me laugh. i really just want to fire back with kiss my ass you're just a fucking douchebag and i think the tone of my voice or some of my word choices do come across that way. i have had so many people walk out on me, prove me that i'm right, lie to me and throw my illness in my face that WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU? why should i have faith in anybody really? even you who's reading this. honestly, what makes you any different? it was always, innocent until proven guilty, but i've been so hurt and basically DESTROYED by the people i care about (and no, i'm not just talking about people i've dated) that it's become you're guilty until proven innocent. and really, that's no way to live. my heart is so hardened right now, and I HATE IT! i was so open and feeling and happy and willing to just trust and love everyone that it burned me. it was thrown in my face so much, and now? now i'm starting to throw it in other people's faces. do they deserve it? i haven't decided that yet. maybe they do and maybe they don't. i actually had someone say to me yesterday that they want to prove to me that they can gain my trust. on the other side of the phone (because this was through a text message) i busted up laughing. seriously, bro? you want me to trust you? so you can prove to me that you're not like the rest of them? why? because you called me beautiful? haha. ok. please. i've heard that shit before. do you hear me? i'm terrible! i just can't believe ANYBODY anymore. it's like i've given up on people. and do you know WHY that is? because so many people have given up on me. a large part of me just wants to lock myself up in my room and say fuck off. seriously. do i need to take part in life and what's going on? maybe i could do the next few years on my own. just go to my doctors appointments and live in my house and become a hermit. would it really matter?

and my dog is dying. so i feel like a large part of me is dying. there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to fix him and i'm falling apart because i am going to lose my best friend, my healer. the being who has been through EVERYTHING with me and has never let me down. i've never gotten mad him, he's always there to cuddle with, he's always here with me, he keeps me company while i'm home alone since i can't work... what am i going to do without him? i'm REALLY going to know what it's like to feel completely alone now. now i'm actually going to be alone. and it's going to suck. he's always here. don't they say that animals should live forever? i know they don't and i know that this day would come, but why now? why? it's awful. just watching him. he barely eats, he can't jump up on the couch anymore, i have to carry him up and down the stairs to go outside to go to the bathroom, i have to put him on my bed to go to sleep at night, he always sleeps, he has a hard time holding himself up... but some days it's like he's not sick. i hate this. i fucking hate this. i hate watching him suffer. it reminds me of watching my grandfathers (both of them) suffer and there was nothing that i could do to help them when they were sick. i feel helpless and so lost. i just don't know what to do, except cry. i'm a basketcase.

i'm in so much physical pain all of the time. it starts in my back and goes through my legs and into both of my feet. i had an mri of my lower back done and my dr said that there's something on it but not enough to really do anything except physical therapy. but idk how i'm going to do physical therapy when i'm always in so much pain. to me it seems like a catch 22. it just seems i get a little better and then i get a little worse. i have lost 51 lbs though, so that's a plus. i had the mri of my brain done, too. i don't go to the dr to go over it until next week, but i read the report and it's clear, so that eases my conscious a little bit. my headaches have started going away, too, but, with the amount that i've been crying today, i'll probably have a nice one tonight.

maybe i'm just sick of feeling alone, and like a burden. because i do. i want to be healthy enough to go back to school and to have a career so i can do my own thing. i want to stop relying on people and maybe get the hell out of here and move away from everyone and go someplace where no one knows me and then everyone can forget that i ever existed and then they won't have to feel sorry for me anymore. because sometimes, that's how i feel these friendships work. people just feel sorry for me, because honestly, that's what the people who left did. they felt sorry for me. but i know that's not true. i know my REAL friends love me and would take a bullet for me. because i'd do the same for them. i know my inner circle and we're tight and i know i can trust them. i guess i'm just having a pity party today. but i am getting jaded and i do feel bad. and part of me thinks i am going to die alone. all of my friends are either on their second marriage or their third baby daddy and i'm over here like, i love my dog and oh yeah, he's dying. but like, do i even WANT to settle down right now? honestly? mmm... i'm not so sure. i do like the idea of being able to do what i want, when i want and not having to worry about someone else. it's kind of nice. i know, this blog makes no sense, but honestly? I don't make any sense to me right now. ugh! talk about frustrating!!!