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Monday, July 27, 2015

harry potter make nicci sad.

if you're reading this, i guess you got the hint that this was about you. or you were curious as to what i was up to since we haven't spoken since april. i guess you do care. 

dearest muggle, 

are you proud of me? i know what that word means now. i watched a harry potter marathon over the weekend. watched six of the seven movies. (all but goblet of fire. abcfamily didn't air that one) i can kinda see what the hype is about and why you're obsessed with the books and Harry himself. i had a lot of questions, things i couldn't catch onto because my brain doesn't work like a normal persons but, i couldn't call you. couldn't text you. i had to ask someone else. SOMEONE ELSE. 

i really enjoyed my marathon. but, there was a tugging at my heart during the entire thing. something just didn't feel right. i wanted to cry during the entire thing. my friend said that deathly hallows was emotional, and i did cry when dobby died, i loved that little elf. but... tonight... when i was learning new exercises, i just started thinking about you and harry potter (partly because i had taken a shower and beforehand i had watched a youtube video of danny r rapping with jimmy fallon so maybe that's why you were on my mind, who knows) and the tears just began to fall. 

this wasn't supposed to happen to us. we weren't supposed to fall apart. we were supposed to be together forever. we weren't supposed to let my illness or your boyfriend/fiance/now husband come between us. you were supposed to stand up for me. be by my side. not let him make fun of my illness or my disabilities or what i was going through. but you didn't. you let him dig at me and hurt me. and just say, that's just how he is. ok. so it's ok for people to make fun of my disabilities and until i have a complete meltdown (which i did the day of the NYRF) THEN we will tell him to shut up and apologize? that's what it's going to take?

and then telling me not to come to your wedding because i asked for some assistance for my medical condition and that would be putting you out so you uninvited me. how difficult would it have been for my mom to sit in the parking lot and wait for me while i stood and watched you marry your other best friend? and then i could have kissed you both and went on my way. but no. that wasn't good enough. you just told me not to come. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? 

and now, we haven't spoken since april. 

and before then, when we had our weekend and it was just awful and i told you how i felt that we were drifting apart and i cried and you just told me that we would fix it and that it wasn't true, now look at where we are. we aren't even speaking. i told you that we were growing apart. you promised me wouldn't. that our friendship was one that could survive anything and everything. you had been there for me through EVERY hospital stay. EVERY operation. EVERY funeral. and now? i'm attending the funeral of us. alone. 

it's like i'm the only one feeling the pain of this. i have this huge hole in my heart that i don't know will ever be filled. i can say time will heal this wound, but really? losing YOU? this is the most awful break up i've ever experienced. this hurts worse than when anthony and i ended it, and anthony's pain was like i couldn't breathe. or maybe it comes close to when Al died. and you were there for me through that pain. you sat with me. held my hand. and now? you're gone. you told your husband the day he met me that if he was going to date you, he was going to have to take me, too. it was going to be a package deal. but, you let him come between us. you chose him. it's no longer the three of us. it's you and him. you weren't happy when i started dating, you wanted me to stay single. you are surrounded by couples. no man i ever date will ever be good enough for me. i get that. but you still have to be nice. 

i'm content being single. i was happy being the three of us, but then, you started pushing me out and treating me like the odd man out, like i WAS a third wheel or a burden. you would have all of these get togethers with your couple friends, but wouldn't invite me because i was single and wouldn't fit in and then say, oh, wish you were here. well, how would i be there if i didn't even know about it? you were always worried about how i would be places but you would never invite me. and then when we would make plans to go places, you would spring other people on me and throw my anxiety into a tizzy. so that was fun. so how was that good for me?

i just don't understand. maybe it's meant to be like this. but my heart is aching right now. and it's all because i watched freaking harry potter. i wanted to text you. and tell you what i was doing. and plan a trip to harry potter world. but, i know that will never happen. because, well, you threw me out with yesterdays trash,. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

I was baptized yesterday...

So... I did it. I took the plunge.

well, I got dunked is really how it went. It was a decision I know I'm never going to regret. I even gave a little testimony about what brought me to my decision, and had a good little ugly cry while I told the story, but, I won't tell that story here. no... that story will come in time. i'm not ready to write about it. well, i'm trying to write about it. just not here.

i'm excited about my new life in Christ. i haven't been swearing. my anger has been decreased. i've been happier and been living a more positive life... life has been GOOD. am i still sick? yes. i'm always going to have my illness. everyone keeps saying God will heal me. and, here's the thing. unless God is going to grow me some adrenal glands, i'm always going to have primary adrenal insufficiency. can He heal my of my symtoms? yes. can He heal me of my migraines? yes. He can work miracles! and... i was praying for a miracle on Sunday but... it didn't happen. and that made me a little sad. i think a part of me was expecting everything to be immediately better when i got baptized, like everything would be brand new. i know this signifies my starting over, and what i talked about in church was my cleansing of something else, and this is an amazing thing, i just was kind of hoping to get my sight back. and maybe that's silly. but i pray for it every day. and  i know Jesus healed the blind man... i just want Him to heal me, too. but at least my depression is getting easier to deal with and my anxiety is getting easier to deal with, too.

i know i made the right decision. and i'm excited.

the tests however, aren't fun. but i am learning how to breathe through them and how to be slow to speak and slow to anger and to just not let people and their crap bother me. there's a delete key and i'm using it.

i was tested today. when the new doctor said to me, of course you have adrenal glands. everyone has adrenal glands. and i had to respond with, no. i'm pretty sure i had mine removed. and then he said, well, you still produce hormones. and i had to respond with, i don't have a pituitary gland either. and then he tried to convince me that i could take a medication that three of my doctors have all warned me against on multiple occasions.
instead of going off on him i just clenched my fists and nodded and yessed him to death and walked away and told one of the nurses that i would never be seeing him again and told her what had happened. tomorrow and i am calling my regular doctor to tell him what had happened so this can be handled and when i have to go back at the end of the week i don't have to see this guy.

but back to this baptism.

you weren't there. and that kind of made me sad. i know it's supposed to be between me and God. and it was. but... it would have been nice if you could have been there to support me. i mean, i wasn't at your wedding. we're done. our friendship has bit the big one. i just ripped up pictures of us that i found to day. and my heart aches from what you did to me. so i guess i just need to pray that God heals my heart and maybe heals our friendship, or lack there of and that we can go our separate ways without any ill will toward one another. i send you love because holding onto this pain is destroying me.

i'm excited that i got baptized. i love my new church. i hope i can find some way to get involved in it. i'm slowly building up my strength and i'm having better days. i'm still having my bad ones, like today i didn't get up until 3 but i finally SLEPT so that was a wonderful thing and right now i'm not in any pain, aside from the pain that's in my ear and the dizziness that i keep experiencing, but i just chalk it up to the norm and that it's what's supposed to happen. nothing really surprises me anymore.


i send you all love and blessings.

i know. this wasn't too exciting. but, they will be. especially when i'm ready to confess :)

Sunday, February 8, 2015

My story

For those of you who don't know the story behind my getting sick...


I was never diagnosed with Cushings, or even thought that it could be an issue. No one ever suggested it to me, I never researched it. When I started the rapid weight gain, my first doctor told me that I was fat and I needed plastic surgery to correct the problem. When I asked her about my buffalo hump, she told me that I had that because I was fat.
I worked out like a crazy person, three hours a day. I lived off of salads and yogurt! I never thought this would be my life...


In April of 2010 I was starting to have blackouts. I've always struggled with migraines, but these were really bad. I was even forgetting who I was, where I was, how I got places, nothing was making sense. In May, I went to the emergency room because I started to black out while I was driving for work. I asked for a CT to be done on my head. The ER dr just gave me tylenol and told me to go home, that my headache was was just that, a headache and I was just stressed out. He told me to take the next day off of work to rest, so that's what I did. Maybe I was too stressed out from work, I mean, I was a county caseworker, I had a crappy boyfriend. Maybe I was just too stressed out and that's what was getting to me.
Bring me to the following week where I blacked out, fell down the inside steps at my house, went out the front door and went out the outside steps. How this happened, I still don't know, but that's what happened. My brother took me to the er and they said i had a bad sprain so I had to miss work. AGAIN. And of course the rumors were flying. The girls at work were saying that I was missing work because I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, that, get this, he was going to take me to the beach ON A SLED and pull me around. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A DOUCHE HE WAS? I swear. I worked with some AWESOME people! So, resting I was. And then I was walking on it. But, I was walking funny. A couple of the girls at work convinced me to go back to the foot doctor, so I did. Guess who actually had a BROKEN foot? yeah. the hospital MISREAD the xray. Nice, right?
So, he casted me and told me to stay home for a few days. AGAIN. I was home AGAIN. They were really starting to love me at work. So, after being at work for a few weeks, I started to get charlie horses in my leg. I called the drs office and the receptionist told me that they were normal and to take my painkillers. Did she put me through to the nurse? No. She decided to take it upon herself to answer my questions. Well, a few days later, I had a fever and was throwing up so I DEMANDED to be seen. He saw me, actually had no idea I was even coming in and took my cast off. Did a pressure test and sent me across the street to have a dopplar done. Turns out, I had BLOOD CLOTS in my leg. So, the dr gave me some shots, taught my mom how to do it and then sent me home. Told us that if I had pain in my chest that I should go right to the emergency room. Well, I was an asthmatic. I ALWAYS had chest pain, so how would I know the difference?
I took advantage of having my cast off. I gave myself a pedicure, shaved my legs and then the next day, we went BACK to the emergency room, where... you'll never guess what! BLOOD CLOTS in my LUNGS! YAY ME! So, I was there for a week. Then, I was home for two because I still had a broken foot and my dr was on vacation and he couldn't clear me to go back to work. So, I FINALLY went back to work and the headaches were starting again. I called the pharmacy where my sister worked and her pharmacist told her to have me call my dr right away. (I was on coumadin and they wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding in the brain) So, I called my Dr and he had me come in right away to do a catscan. Well, no brain bleed. But, I did have a tumor on my pituitary gland and brain atrophy. What a great day I was having. So, I went for an MRI to confirm what we already knew. My dr, my NEW dr (the one who discovered the blood clots, the brain tumor, the man who, in essence, SAVED MY LIFE, Dr. Degler) had put a call into the neurologists office and set me up with an appointment to see him in a week or so. I can't remember. What I DO remember is having a headache so bad that I had my parents take me to his office and FORCING him to see me. (It didn't hurt that his nurse was  my lifelong best friends mom) So, he saw me and do you know what he told me? That THE HOSPITAL MISREAD MY CATSCAN! The tumor had been there the entire time! He had no idea how they hadn't seen it and it had continued to grow! (now we're in July) He gave me a shot of tramadol and then gave me a list of tests that I needed to have done. He told me that I had plenty of time to have them all done.
Yeah... so much for that theory. 
He called me around 7 that night and told me that I had an appointment on Friday with the neurosurgeon because I couldn't wait. The tumor was pressing on my optic nerve and I was lucky that I hadn't gone blind yet.
*Funny story. As I was walking around on my misdiagnosed BROKEN foot, I had gone to six flags and ALL of the upside down roller coasters were not working.*
So, I met with the neurosurgeon and he told me that there was a blood test I could do to see which kind of tumor it was to see whether or not it had to be out within the next three days. I failed the test. So, I needed it out. I woke up fine. Then the next day, I had no vision in my right eye. (Later we would come to find out that he had nicked my optic nerve. ) I was in the hospital for 13 days. Shaved head. Blind. But making friends with all the nurses. Oh, I had had a crainiotomy. That's the way he decided to hack into me. (Because of what he did to me, he has since retired)
He sent me to his brother in law, the endocrinologist, who was worthless. He told me that there was no way I could have cushings. No one had cushings. And that I was just fat. I needed to stop eating. Gosh, I just love these doctors!
And then I come to find out that the tumor isn't gone! First, he told me that the MRI was completely clear, that he got it all and that it wasn't going to come back. But, I wanted a second opinion. We sought out a new neurosurgeon at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia and found Dr.Moshel (who has since moved to a different practice). He was a godsend! He did a new MRI on me and found out that I still had a tumor, that the MRI that Dr. Daneshdoost (old guy) did still had a tumor on it and that this one had grown and wrapped around my carotid artery and down my sinus cavity. He was going to save me! He and Dr.Degler had directed me to Dr.Vengrove at LVPG Diabetes and Endocrinology and he was a godsend! He listened to me, he diagnosed me with cushings, he had no idea why no one didn't before. His entire staff was so kind and caring. I actually started to cry when I met him because I finally met someone who was listening to me. I finally had a team of doctors who were going to work together who were going to save me! So, I had my second surgery in April, a transphenoidal sinus surgery. He had to leave some of it in because if he didn't and pulled it the wrong way, I would have lost all facial movement. Our next step was Proton Lindic radiosurgery. Well, it killed my tumor, but didn't kill the Cushing's. I had to wait two years to see if it worked. Nope. So, That brings us to December 6,2013. The day I supposedly got my life back. I had a bilateral adrenalectomy. (had both of my adrenal glands removed) You can't live without your adrenal glands so now I'm living on replacement hydrocortisone and fludrocortisone. The weight started to fall off, but now I'm at a plateau. I still feel like garbage. Some days, I wonder if the surgery was worth it, even though, I know that it was. The Cushing's is gone. I'm praying that it stays gone. I don't say I'm cured, I just say that I'm in remission. One day there will be a better cure for Cushing's than destroying us. I can't work. Some days I can't even get out of bed. This disease is nasty. And now? Now I'm primary adrenal insufficiency, which is scary in itself. This disease could kill me, too. Some days I wonder why I was chosen to live this life, but if I keep sitting around and wondering why, I'll never live. So, I just have to keep pressing on. One day there will be a cure. I just hope that maybe my case was one that teaches the doctors something new, maybe helps them find something that can help them find that cure, or maybe help someone who is struggling with this disease better understand it and be able to get the answers that they need. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

This needs to be said.

ok. so, y'all know how completely, wonderfully, "refreshingly honest" i am, right? well, get ready. cause here it comes.

if there's one thing i can't stand, it's negativity. i really can't stand someone who's negative all that time. life really isn't all that bad.

but nicci, what about you? what about all the negativity you spew?

i know. i suck. i hate that about myself. no. no, i really don't. i don't hate anything about myself. and do you know WHY that is? because i am a bowl full of AWESOME that's why! even when i was DROWNING in my depression, deep down, i knew that. i knew that i was worth it. that i was worth someone's time. that i was worth the effort. that i deserved to be loved. i struggled with the will to live, but i knew that i was awesome.

doesn't really make much sense, does it? i know. but NEWSFLASH!!!! DEPRESSION DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

and for you fuckers who say that you CHOOSE to be depressed? here's a nice bowl of go fuck yourself because NO ONE CHOOSES TO WANT TO DIE. NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL HOPELESS. NO ONE CHOOSES THE DARKNESS TO WASH OVER THEM.

do you really think that if i had a choice, i would feel like this all of the damn time? fucking assholes. seriously. that's what you are. did i offend you? GOOD. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

and here's the kicker. i'm feeling damn good about myself right about now. i am not caring what anyone thinks of me. i am loving my beautiful self. i am not letting the darkness consume me as much as it was. and do you know WHY that is? i am not CHOOSING anything. i am taking some really good shit! that's right! i am on some good holistic medicine and it is working it's magic on me and i am not feeling so down about my life. so of course, i am gonna see negativity and want to slap it in the fucking face!

but, here's another thing, even when i was drowning, i was still trying to save people. i didn't want anyone to feel what i was feeling. if you've never dealt with depression, and i pray to God that you never do, you won't know what it's like to feel like you're never gonna get better. that your life is over. that there is no way out. that you're suffocating. that you're drowning. that there is no sunlight.

but on the days where there is that little glimmer of sunlight.... you dance. and you dance with all of your might and you hold on for dear life because let me tell you friends, that little bit of sunlight doesn't last very long and then you're back to feeling like you're drowning again. the darkness takes over and you feel like the world is going to end.

and now? now i see sunshine. not a lot of it, but i do see it. i've always known how incredibly blessed i am. do i know why i got sick? no. but maybe it was God's way of telling me to slow down. to protect me from something else. who knows. only HE knows. and you know what? for now, that's ok, i've been beaten. i've been almost raped. i've been cheated on. i've been left. my fiance told me he didn't believe that i was as sick as i said i was, that i was FAKING my brain tumor, even though we started dating WHILE he was visiting me IN the hospital AFTER my SECOND brain surgery and he proposed to me TWO DAYS before my RADIATION. i've been lied to. i've been left for dead. i've lost part of my vision. i've had three brain surgeries. i've had blood clots that almost killed me. i've had cushings disease that tried to kill me. i now have primary adrenal insufficiency which, if not treated, can kill me. i have ptsd, anxiety, depression, mood disorder, seasonal affective disorder, occipital neuralgia, medial nerve damage, tennis elbow, golfers elbow, cognitive delays, traumatic brain injury, chronic migraine, and the list goes on. oh, and i can't work. not sure if i'll ever be able to go back to work. so please, tell me how bad your life is.

my life is so incredibly blessed it's not even funny. even in my darkest hour, i prayed. i prayed for someone to save me. none of my friends seemed to want anything to do with helping me, so he sent my angel, my mother. and she saved me. she stopped me from swallowing those pills. she stopped me from killing myself that night last year.

and then do you know what he did? He sent me HIM. i wasn't gonna make this mushy because right now he's getting on my last nerve. but, he sent me someone to show me that they're not all the same. someone to listen to me cry my eyes out at ruby tuesday's about what's going on in my life and to talk to me about things. to make me feel like everything is going to be ok. someone who, when i'm having one of my really bad days and i can't get out of bed, will deliver roses and coffee on my door step for me to find when i wake up, even when he gets stuck in my driveway because he car sucks. lol. he sent me someone who's gonna laugh with me when i go car crazy and turn up taylor swift and scream and say that's my jam and laugh while i pretend to know the words and dance my heart out in the car. he sent me someone to write poems about! he sent me someone who's gonna stand by me, who's gonna research my disease and try to understand it. someone who, right now i wanna punch in the face but who i know is worth standing by.

do you know what else he did? he gave me a csilla. someone who has stood by me since the 5th grade and has consistently checked in on me. someone who has shown me the meaning of true friendship. someone who is proud to call me her friend. someone who, all of her friends know who i am. this girl even calls me her HERO! who does that? this girl has a piece of my heart that i'll never want back. i'm so honored to be standing up for her in her wedding next year as her maid of honor. this girl is not just my friend, but my sister. we share most of the same beliefs, we pray to the same God and we believe in the same love. i'm so excited to have double dates with her! our guys finally met at her superbowl party and while they didn't get to talk much, they have a lot in common so i know our double dates will just be wonderful. i'm excited. and i'm so blessed to have her in my life. she has stayed up late with me many a night to talk me off my ledge, most recently as last week when i was bawling my eyes out after a certain situation erupted and brought chaos to my life. she's a godsend. a true earth angel.

life is not that bad.

oh. and there was the whole, meeting Jamie Tworkowski from TWLOHA. but that's another blog for another day. that man has saved my life many a day. He's amazing. and I met him. and... it was better than meeting HANSON. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

but yes. i can't stand negativity. if you think your life is so bad, change it. you're the only one who can control your situation. unless you're clinically depressed. no one chooses that. depression chooses you.

and come to terms with your depression. if you have thoughts of depression, sadness, inferiority, feelings of hopelessness and despair and they just won't go away... it's not a bad thing to ask for help. there's no shame in that. i see a therapist every week. i have been since i was 16 years old. i'm not ashamed to say that.

yes. talking to friends helps. but sometimes, you need more than that. i'm always willing to listen, but i can't save you. and i can't always help you. i'll be honest, i've got A LOT of shit going on, but i'll always listen. sometimes i think my friends don't want to tell me about what's going on in their lives because they're afraid of what it will do to me emotionally. that and, they don't want to hear the truth. but here's the thing, i've never been the, there there. it's all gonna be ok. kinda friend. no. i'm gonna tell you how it is and that's just how it is. yes, i will tell you that you are a bucket of awesomesauce, because you are. but the minute i see you settling, or see you living a life that you shoudn't be, once you ask me for my opinion, believe you me, you will get it. Csilla knows that. that's one of the things that she says she loves about me. but, if you can't handle that about me, then we don't need to be friends. i think that my friends, they may not say it, but, they appreciate it about me. anyone who knows me, knows how "refreshingly brutally honest" i am. i won't change that about myself. ok, so maybe i could tone it down sometimes, but, whatever. you either handle me, or you don't. man up.

so, i end with this, find your blessing. even in your darkest hour. none of us want to die, we just want to be saved.

and when you say that dying won't solve your problems, well... that's another story for another day. but i'm feeling pretty darn good so i won't go down that path. but i could start a whole nother argument for that one...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

the thrills of online dating

you know those butterflies you get in your stomach when you meet someone pretty incredible? those are fun. the sparks. the chemistry. all of that. it feels like high school all over again. i love that feeling. i'm all about those feelings.

and thanks to the internet, i get to experience those feelings. more than i'd like to. you see, thanks to online dating, the thrill of meeting someone and wondering what could happen and pursuing that person and the possibility of a relationship... DIES. it just does. why you may ask? BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKING COMPETITION. oh. i like you. let's hold hands and kiss and talk about what could happen with us. but ooh look. that one has bigger boobs or a flatter stomach or a better job or isn't sick or has blonde hair or blue eyes or is more exotic or has something that you don't and BAM it's on to the next one. there is no such thing as monogamy in the online dating world. no no. it's all about how many chicks you can score at once. you date as many people at one time as you can. why bother pursuing ONE person that you've connected with when,you might just find someone better?

i guess i'm old school. i feel that, if you've connected with someone, you should put the others aside and actively pursue that ONE person and see where things go with them. what's the point of being with all of the others? is it really all just a game? are we really that disgusting? my mom says i don't give people enough chances. and, maybe that's true. but honestly, why should i? when i find out that you're seeing other people, i feel like i should take myself out of the equation because i don't want to have to compete with someone else for your attention. that's not how i do things. if you want to be with me, then BE WITH ME. don't be with me and everyone else. i don't need an std. and no, i don't sleep around. if we're in a relationship. then you get the benefits of all that goes with it. but honestly, i think i'm not even gonna kiss a guy unless he's serious about me, no matter how good it feels. i mean, i kiss them because i want to see if we have that chemistry but with kissing comes feelings and do i really want to open my self up to any of that? when he's just in it for the gratification? act like a lady, think like a man. i think i need to start putting my money where my mouth is. and then, when a guy shows interest and when i think i can trust him, i let him in and he turns out to be a total douchey douche. so, what do i do? we're not supposed to let our past precede us, but doesn't it? don't we base all of our decisions on past experiences? i know that i'm an open book and tend to trust people too easily, but when i try and be an ice queen, i only end up hurting myself and possibly missing out on something wonderful. so where do i draw the line? this whole thing is confusing. i hate dating. i really wish that we were born with a card that told us who we were born to be with and when. the rest of the stuff wouldn't matter. it would cut out so much heartache and drama. *sigh* i guess it's more game playing for now. but honestly, i'm ready to just say goodbye.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

the girl in the mirror

she's pretty.
brown eyes.
currently has red hair.
most of the time wears glasses.
but,
i don't really recognize her. 

i'm all over the place. i'm either wanting my world to end, or ready to start my next adventure. i'm either picking a fight with someone or in love with everyone. i'm either thinking about how horrible my life is, or encouraging others that it DOES get better.

i'm in pain ALL of the time. literally some part of my body hurts every.single.day. no one seems to know how to make it stop. i only have ONE doctor that seems to want to listen to me. the rest just seem to pass it off to the other one. nice, right? and my case is so unique that GUESS WHAT? i have something NEW wrong with me. and... i guess you'll never guess this one... it's RARE! hahahahaha. i  LOVE THIS LIFE. seriously. it just gets better and better.

i am alienating everyone. i don't want to be around anyone. everyone is either pissing me off or adding to the depression. you're either part of the problem or part of the solution and most of the world is part of the problem. don't ask me why, you just are.

i feel pretty alone. like no one gets it. and how can you? you're not stuck in this body. you're not living this life. you're not faced with the stigma... you're not "disabled" "handicapped" "broken" "diseased" " ill" are you?  are you forced to sit back and watch the world go on without you? are you sitting here watching all of your friends get married and have kids while your insides go to waste because a doctor screwed up? because a disease destroyed you? are you sitting here feeling like you're on the outside looking in? are you sitting here feeling like you're falling further and further away from your closest friends because you just don't fit into their circles anymore? do you? do you feel like you just don't belong? do you feel like you just don't have a place in this world anymore so maybe you'd be better off in another world? in a world where there would be no more pain? no more anger? no more hurt? do you ever feel like that? i do. all the damn time. these thoughts cross my mind. i told you. every day a part of me hurts. i just never said what part. and yes, physically i hurt, too.

do you know what it's like to be made to feel like shit because you're "disabled, handicapped, broken, diseased or ill"? i do. it sucks. it hurts. it's not my fault i can't do the things i once used to. and you know what? i am NOT handicapped. i am NOT disabled. i am full of more life than most healthy people.

do you see what i did there? there's the all over the place thing. i can't take this anymore! i hate that i'm going through this. i can't stand that my family is going through this with me. the only person who knows about any of this is my twin, because she's the only one who i really trust with any of this. who kinda gets it. not that some of my other inner circle wouldn't get it. i know that one in particular is reading this right now because i asked her to would try to understand, but because she's never walked this path, she may not. if you don't live this life, live it with me day to day, it's hard to get it.

when you're sick, your whole life changes. everything is thrown through a loop. your family is thrown through a loop. they're affected, too, people disappear. friends leave. you understand who really gives a fuck and who doesn't. honestly? i don't give a shit. you don't want to be here for me? there's the door. i'm done. my give a damn's been busted for years.

i'm starting to hate the woman i'm becoming. and that's not a good thing. but other days, i'm completely in love with myself. no. that's bullshit. i kinda like myself. i'm falling into this dark hole and i can't really see a way out. i've met some people who sort of get it, and i'm thankful for that but, they're not here. they're in an online addisons support group so... really... how much help they can really be, i'll never know. but it's a start.

*sigh* this whole thing sucks. i keep hearing that it's going to get better but... it's been 9 months now. and so far, it's just gotten worse. so really, i'd like to call bullshit on that one. i may look like a million bucks but i feel like my bank account has been overdrawn.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

you, me and Patch Adams

I am stunned. Heartbroken. Shocked. Dismayed. And yet I can't help but think... 

if the demons were too strong for Robin Williams to fight... what makes me think that I, me, Nicci, am going to be strong enough to wage this war?

He had access to much more help than I ever will. Or so... I hope he did. But maybe his demons were stronger. He left behind a family. He left behind a legacy. He left behind a story and raised some eyebrows and I think he woke people up. 

Did he wake YOU up? are YOU thinking about mental illness and depression and suicide awareness now? are YOU listening? 

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

I used to sit back and wonder what it was gonna take for people to open their eyes to depression and suicide and everything that went along with it. I think people are finally going to start talking. No. I don't think they are. They are. 

I was listening to Jeff and Amanda on KRZ today and they talked about it for a good 45 minutes. I was in tears. People were texting, calling and emailing them with their stories. Jeff was talking about his sister's depression. People are starting to talk. My friend, my newfound spoonie, he's my new soldier and we're going into battle together. At least, that's how we're looking at things. It's like no one around us understands what we're going through. And, we try talking to our friends, everyone says, talk to me, I'm here for you but, are you really there for me? Some of you say you are but, then I feel like I'm being blown off. Having a soldier who's actually waging this same war with me, we're leaning on each other. Crying together, sending each other spoons, getting on each other's nerves. It's kinda nice. Now DON'T think for ONE SECOND that I don't need YOU, too! Because I DO! I NEED my friends. I NEED my family. I need people by my side. So does he. People need other people. Everybody needs somebody. Haven't you figured that part out yet? We can't fight our demons on our own. Wars can't be fought alone. That's how we crash and burn. 

We also must not stay silent. The issues of suicide and mental illness and depression NEED to be talked about! Lives are being lost. People are afraid to talk about things. I think it might be because when they do reach out, people don't know what to say and then they just get blown off or abandoned. 

Here's what I have to say to those who don't know what to say:

If you think you don't know what to say, SO WHAT!!!! You're being reached out to because this person loves you and NEEDS you! SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING! SAY I LOVE YOU! SAY YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! SAY WHAT'S WRONG? SAY TALK TO ME! SAY I'M HERE FOR YOU! SAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER? SAY WHAT CAN I DO? SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

There are PLENTY of things to say. Just PICK UP THE PHONE!!! CALL HIM OR HER BACK! TEXT BACK! DO NOT IGNORE THE PERSON! ALWAYS TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! SUICIDE IS NEVER A JOKE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME NOW!?!

 I think the excuse of not knowing what to say is a bullshit one. I don't care what mood I'm in or what I'm doing, if you need me or if you're depressed or thinking about ending it, I WILL BE THERE. CALL ME. TEXT ME. COME TO ME. I AM HERE AND I WILL TALK TO YOU. YES I am going through my own stuff and dealing with my own demons and depression but that doesn't mean I can't be there for someone else and help talk someone off a ledge. In fact, I actually think that it makes me more aware because I'm dealing with the same stuff I wouldn't want someone else do be going through what I'm going through so I'd try and help them out of it. 

PLEASE REACH OUT. PLEASE. 

WAKE UP PEOPLE. THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE AND NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH. 

I really hope that Robin's Legacy lives on and that his memory lives forever. He was a true genius and touches millions of people. I also hope that people look at his death and see his struggle and that people start talking and reaching out. 

know that I am here. reach out to ME. talk to ME. and if I can talk to YOU let me know. Unless you're Lissa because, that's given ;) You've saved me once pretty girl, I know that you'll continue to save me time after time.