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Sunday, February 26, 2012

in case you forgot

Hey you!

Yes YOU!

Are you ready to hear this?

Well... get ready. Because these words are coming...

You have true beauty. The kind that transcends bad-hair days and sweat pants. The kind a mirror can't fully capture because it doesn't stand still. Instead, it comes to life in everything you do. It shows when you laugh at your own mistakes, and when you cry at someone elses heartache. It glows when you feel confident. It sparkles when you smile. It shimmers when you give. It doesn't need rejuvenating creams or carefully applied makeup; it's untouched by extra pounds. It has staying power. Because it's one of a kind. It's you. Other people already see the beauty in you. Don't you think it's time you did, too?

Love ya! <3

Thursday, February 23, 2012

if i dont wake up singing....

i feel like...
hmmm

i need to wake up singing. whether it be the abcs, a prayer or some hip hop. i NEED to wake up singing. i NEED a song in my heart. i feel like, without one, the day is just going to suck. so if i dont wake up singing, its just blah. so, i try. i will put on the music channel while im getting dressed (and no not MTV or VH1 because, well, since when did MUSIC TELEVISION actually play music videos? this isn't the 90's anymore) ill listen and bounce around and cross my fingers that something sticks. i do the same thing in the shower, thank god for pandora.

i HAD been waking up singing and smiling and it was wonderful. but... that song seems to have disappeared. and that smile? eh. it's waning. maybe its because ive been in so much physical pain lately that it takes all i have to not cry and bitch and complain. or maybe it's because im so freaking frustrated that no one can figure out what's wrong with me. i mean.. it took 3-4 years for someone to actually listen to me. i just wish someone would have listened to me MONTHS ago when all of this started happening, or maybe it was more like a year. i feel like... if one test doesnt show something, do another test. why oh WHY do i have to look for tests to ask for? last time i checked, i didn't have an MD after my last name. but ill keep looking. someone is going to figure something out. i just wish it would be sooner than later!

and why... oh why... do i keep coming back to this patience thing?! yes, God, I get it. I've never been a patient person, always wanting an end result faster. always looking for the answers right away, and not quitting until i find them... maybe that's my lesson in all this. when i look back at my life, the past few years (think college-esque and later), i remember, well,... when looking at pictures sometimes im reminded of the 'mistakes' or 'lessons learned' that ive made. i had started stopping my life. sounds strange doesn't it? but i stopped taking time to enjoy life, ok, no. thats not it. because i always had a good time. i guess i stopped taking time out to look at the little things, or stopping to smell the roses. i was in such a hurry to get my life on track and be a grown up, that i kind of forgot what living really was. and now that my life has come ot a halt, ive started to craving living more? or maybe i want more answers and faster because im tired of the hurt? i dont know. i thought i knew where i was going when i started writing this, but i guess i didnt. eh well, ceis la vie <3

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

wooooooooooooooooo

wowzers...

i feel freaking hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite. but im not! is it the cortisol? i dont knoooooowwwwwwww.......... i had to stop the ketocanozole to see if theres an interaction with any of my meds.....

dizzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyy
rooms spinnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg
im walking into things
i almost drove off the road
i cant see straight
but mama says i need to blog about how im feeling so we remember.....

Monday, February 20, 2012

this is getting real old, real fast...

usually im all about the positivity and staying happy and finding the sunshine in every rainstorm but... WHAT THE FRIG?!!!

still no answers.
still really sick.

i feel like no one is listening to me! the testing i did on friday came back with no abnormalities, which is good but IM STILL SICK! the doctor didn't even look at the report, the nurse read it to me. im STILL waiting on a call back from them, as well as my other doctor...

im just so sick of being sick! and im sick of saying the same thing over and over and over again. my cortisol level was normal. fabulous. so then why do i still look the way i do? why am i wanting to constantly puke? why is my head throbbing, my chest pounding, it hurting when i breathe? im having a hard time gripping things. the only time i dont hurt, is when im sleeping. if im sleeping. which means i have to take an ativan to get to sleep. which i dont like to do because i dont want to have to rely on medication to get me through the night... but i guess i already am relying on medication because i take so damn much of it.

i want to not feel like crying. i am on the brink of tears right now. youd think that the dr telling me that my cortisol level was good would make me happy. it didnt. i was actually hoping it wouldnt come back normal so he would up my meds and maybe id see better results. i hate looking like this. feeling like this. being a part of this. and yet... i manage to keep it all together on the outside while i feel like im falling apart on the inside.

some days i feel like my life is just slipping away from me... like... really. what DO i have to live for? what great accomplishment is there that im doing? im not working. i can barely function in society. yeah, im getting better but... for what? what is this great plan that im here for? my memory sucks. which,.. could actually be a good thing in some cases... but im sick of it all. i just... i dont know. i just dont know. i feel like a waste of space.

i want to go hiking. or swimming. or do some reading. or karaoking. or dancing. or something... but its not happening. i have a hard enough time moving around, let alone moving around because im too damn sick.

i love how people just assume im sitting around living the high life bc im not working. seriously? what i wouldn't give to bitch about having to work... smh. yall dont know what you have and im so sick of healthy people taking their lives for granted. or talking about how miserable their lives are.

                                   **************NEWSFLASH***************
you're healthy. go do something. you can change what's wrong in your life. stop taking everything and everyone for granted.

and another thing. im really sick of doctors not listening to me again. i feel like im just here. and theyre like... whatever nicole. blah blah blah. i feel like its going in one ear and out the other. like they dont believe me. im not making this shit up. thats what got me into this situation in the first place, NO ONE WOULD FUCKING LISTEN!!! im not crazy. im not insane. im not a hypochondriac. there is seriously something wrong.

but... again... im just getting pushed off to the side. which isn't fair. but its life and it seems like the more i fight or try and get answers, the more i get blown off...

whatever. just another day....

Sunday, February 19, 2012

oh my word...

shuuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

ever heard the phrase, 'if u cant say anything nice, then DONT say anything at all'?! seriously. shut up. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how some people can just live in such misery ALL THE DAMN TIME!!! living your life in the depths of despair isn't healthy for anyone. it's not healthy for the person living it OR the people who are around you! ugh. I WAS feeling great this morning, and then BAM. the negativity plus the barium that's still trying to leave my system = a very sick cole! NO BUENO! like im not in enough pain as it is!

my stomach hurts. my back hurts. my nose hurts. i cant stop running to the bathroom. my head is spinning. i feel weak. i feel nauseas. i wanna puke allllllll the time. im wobbly. ive been having trouble grasping onto things. ive had people hurt my feelings. ive had people be malicious to me. ive had THREE brain surgeries. ive lost sight in my right eye. i have a scar on my head from my forehead to the base of my neck! i cant fit into my clothes. im not 'cured'. i care too much for people. i take on the problems of others. i wear my heart on my sleeve. my mom just had cancer. my friend died.

amd i sitting here playing the victim? NOPE. and i never will either! there's a reason im still here and im so sick of people depending on others to be happy. its YOUR life. YOU have to make the concious choice to be happy or not. and if you choose not, DONT try and drag me down with you.

cry a river. build a bridge. and walk yourself on over it. should you happen to fall off the bridge... DO NOT call me. i WILL NOT save you. it's not my job. i've done my good deed. ive listened. offered advice. but you CHOOSE misery. therefore... keep it. because that misery will NOT get my company!

*sigh*
anyhoo... i went to the drs on tuesday bc of how sick i had been. and u know what the dumdum asked me? what are you going to do now that you're cured. cured? who said that? sorry lady, do some research. yeah... not going back to her...

im tired of forgetting things all the time. some days its worse than others, but lately the forgetfulness has been coming on alot more. sometimes im finding it harder to pull myself back together. i know its going to get better. it always does. id just like to remember some things...

facebook has this new timeline feature, and at first i didnt want to deal with it. but ive been playing around... and my goodness. i sure am a positive princess lol. just about ALL of my statuses had something uplifting in them, even if i was bitchy at the beginning.

like i said... smile through the pain :)

Monday, February 13, 2012

qutting.... winning???

done. no more. not taking that lamictal thing. so over it.
i have oodles of the side effects and im over it. id rather be numb and randomly cry then feel as awful and anxious and panicky as i have been. 3 anxiety attacks today- ALL BEFORE NOON. and ive been having more as i try to sleep. and then i just dont sleep. so here are ALL the possible side effects, and mine are highlighted. yes, ive had some of the other ones before taking it, but these have increased or are new

Does Lamictal Oral have side effects?
The following side effects are associated with Lamictal Oral:
Common side effects of Lamictal Oral:
UncoordinatedSevere
RashSevere
Double VisionLess Severe
Blurred VisionLess Severe
Inflammation of the NoseLess Severe
Disorder of the Digestive SystemLess Severe
DrowsinessLess Severe
DizzyLess Severe
Head PainLess Severe
Chest PainLess Severe
Feel Like Throwing UpLess Severe
Throwing UpLess Severe

Infrequent side effects of Lamictal Oral:
Toxic Effect on Brain or Spinal Cord FunctionSevere
Mental ImpairmentSevere
Easily Angered or AnnoyedSevere
ConfusedSevere
AnxiousSevere
Problems with EyesightLess Severe
Involuntary Eye MovementLess Severe
Dry MouthLess Severe
IndigestionLess Severe
Painful PeriodsLess Severe
BackacheLess Severe
Low EnergyLess Severe
PainLess Severe
Weight LossLess Severe
DiarrheaLess Severe
Stomach CrampsLess Severe
InfectionLess Severe
Mood ChangesLess Severe

Rare side effects of Lamictal Oral:
Repeated Seizures with Unconsciousness Between EpisodesSevere
PancreatitisSevere
Multiple Organ FailureSevere
Meningitis Not Caused by an InfectionSevere
VasculitisSevere
Erythema MultiformeSevere
Toxic Epidermal NecrolysisSevere
Stevens-Johnson SyndromeSevere
Lupus-Like SyndromeSevere
FeverSevere
Voluntary Movement DifficultySevere
Small Reddish-Purplish Pin-Point Sized Spots on the SkinSevere
Periods of Not BreathingSevere
Giant HivesSevere
Allergic Reaction caused by a DrugSevere
Reaction due to an AllergySevere
Hemolytic AnemiaSevere
Constitutional Aplastic AnemiaSevere
Acquired Decrease of All Cells in the BloodSevere
Low Blood Counts due to Bone Marrow FailureSevere
AnemiaSevere
Decreased Blood PlateletsSevere
Deficiency of Granulocytes a Type of White Blood CellSevere
Decreased White Blood CellsSevere
Decreased Neutrophils a Type of White Blood CellSevere
Increased Eosinophils in the BloodSevere
Blood DisorderSevere
SuicidalSevere
Having Thoughts of SuicideSevere
Problem BehaviorLess Severe
Lazy EyeLess Severe
Sinus Irritation and CongestionLess Severe
ItchingLess Severe
Chronic Trouble SleepingLess Severe
Involuntary QuiveringLess Severe
Difficulty SpeakingLess Severe
Swollen Lymph NodesLess Severe
Numbness and TinglingLess Severe
Feeling Weak                                                                                                            Less Severe

do you think that's enough?! cheese and rice. i tried to ignore them but ive been worse since frieday and i cant deal with this shit anymore.
so im going to stop taking them and see what happens. oh the joys of being me...

other than that, i guess things are ok. i was supposed to see the new neurologist and i met with him for all of maybe 15 minutes. the entire time i was at the office i was running to the bathroom constantly... 2 1/2 freaking hours. omg. the pain... the... ugh. just terrible. i doubled my nausea meds and took immodium. 2 hours after i was ok. but cheese and rice. friday was just as bad... my sister and i went to the movies, then i ran to the bathroom. then she took me to jcp to use the bathroom. then she had to drop me off at target to use the bathroom. then my dad had to pick me up there, and then we stopped at a gas station and by the time we got home i was back in the bathroom and then right to bed. this erosive gastritis mixed with cushings and whatever else i have blows... literally.

but things are ok. ive got a song in my heart and a smile on my face. and everythings gonna be alright



Friday, February 10, 2012

i just want to cry

i do. i keep on biting back these tears.

does this mean the worst is over now? can i be free again? am i going to start getting healthy now?
SOMEONE ANSWER ME!!!

but no one can. because this disease doesnt give anyone answers. ever. my fingers are crossed though. i know there are probably cells still producing. but no tumor = a happy nicci. i just hope these meds work more. and better now that we got those mri results back...

its been such a stressful few weeks. moms cancer. my mri. pat dying. no tumor. stomach issues. the beautiful song lissa wrote me.

yes. this song. i cried when i read that she wrote it. i cried when i watched the video. i cried reading peoples comments and i cried when my computer let me put it on my ipod.

http://www.985krz.com/Feb-9-2012---songwriting-in-my-room------again/11276840?pid=207649

if you click the above link it will take you to her blog and video and awesomeness that is Lissa. how do i know her? funny you should ask- through hanson. haha. well, sort of. she works at the radio station that hooked me up with my meet and greet and dreams coming true., and through me being sick i met this incredible person who became an awesome friend/ally. shes snippy like me and i love reading her blogs/fb posts and just talking to her in general.

i think i will cry tomorrow. mom and i are going to the movies to celebrate. annie took me out this morning. and then my stomach exploded. and i havent felt that ill since lauras wedding and then my colonoscopy. i ran into the bathroom after the movie, then at jcpenny, then i had to have her drop me at target bc i couldnt make it home so my dad came and got me, then we stopped at the gas station and then pulled into my driveway and ran up the stairs. it really felt like someone was ripping apart my insides. i was hoping that was over, but i guess not.

im meeting with a new neurologist on monday. my dad was supposed to take me but he cant now... so i ended up posting a request on fb for a ride and,... my friend/cousin LB is comin over sunday night, from jersey, to take me monday morning. seriously? how freaking awesome is that. i am loved. no doubt about that.

and yeah, i get annoyed with people and they're sucktasticness but... when the going gets tough... THAT is when you see who's really going to be there. and i like who i see

i need to try and sleep tonight. lately i havent been. either stress or cushings or being sick. who the hell knows. but im hoping tonight i sleep.

and i cant tell if im having a reaction to the lamictal or not. she siad to look for a rash or cold like symptons and feeling like my throat is closing. well, i have all of the above but idk if its the meds or if im just getting sick. mom and i read all of the warning labels and possible side effects but... those are all side effects i have bc of the cushings. i had them all before i started.... oy. this is so much fun.

but baby charlie may be released tomorrow so that kinda rocks

<3 i love you. whoever is reading this. know that someone cares and that you're not alone. you're never alone <3

Thursday, February 9, 2012

sing a happy, happy song!!!

well... the MRI results came back and i 'virtually have no signs of residul tumor'.

HOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!1

yep. thats pretty much it. i dont know what else to say :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

shuuuuuuuuuuuuut it.

because i dont have enough to deal with...

thank you oh so much for pointing out to me that i used to be alot thinner. that i looked alot better. thank you so so much. do u not think i know that douchebag? seriously? why would you tell your wife that you used to have the hots for me back in hs? why did you tell her that you still think im pretty hott, IN FRONT OF HER? AT A FUNERAL? are you an imbisile? oh wait, i forgot... YES YOU ARE!! thats why i stopped talking to you all those years ago you jacktard!!! smh. the only reason i went and sat next to you to talk to you, was because we were at a wake and you were loud as holy hell! and you were swearing. seriously? have some fucking respect bro. and then making a scene to signal your wife over to talk to us. like... really? smh. i dont get it. i really dont. idiot.

yesterday was bittersweet. i can't believe she's gone... and so quickly. last wednesday they were talking about how she'd have at most, 3 months... and then saturday... she was gone. i dont think anyone realized how sick she really was. i know i had no idea. first the docs said that they got it all, and then... she had cancer in her lungs. and they couldn't do anything... i just... wow. i feel like i should have cried alot more than i have. and i do. i cry randomly but... idk. walking past her casket yesterday, all i could do was bite my tongue and think to myself... that's my friend in that box. it was a closed casket, so to me it wasn't real. but she's gone. and i know that. i just... i dont know. she was my friend. she was my boss. and i used to piss her off all the time on purpose. we just had that kind of relationship. id hide fake spiders in her food. shed do the same to me. shed tell me i was dating douchebags and id laugh and say, the sex is good. and her face would get really red. wed steal steak knives from restaurants. wed make people feel pretty together. shed encourage me as i went to college and as i left our job to work in my career field. she never tried to make me feel bad. i remember there was ONE time when she really hurt me, but i dont even remember what it was, so it probably wasn't that important. *sigh* when i got sick she was one of the first to get a hold of me and always had her kids keeping tabs on me... that's what a second mother does. well, thats what she was to me years ago. and a friend. i used to talk to her about everything. and i probably still will. because i know shell be able to hear me.

i got to spend time with my 2824 girls. We laughed alot. We caught up. We took a picture. It felt really good to catch up. And I got to see my adopted grandparents, which was a pleasure as always. I'm looking forward to spending a few days with them down in Delaware when my mom has her radiation, something different. It's not Cape May, but it's the beach and Grandpa Richie promised me a Delware hoodie lol, he knows all about my obsession...

i know there's more that was on my mind... oh yeah.

dumb bitches. seriously? im totally ok with you talking shit about me. why? because i dont sweat it. why? because you never really mattered to me. does that sound harsh? oh well. sometimes the truth hurts. i started talking to you again because you said you were sorry for all the drama you caused and you were so scared when i got sick. (i tend to forget that MY near death experience wasn't about ME at all. whoops) so why bother running your mouth now? are we in high school? are you afraid of something? seriously lady. stop lying. stop trying. i love how you preach the Good Word and yet all you do is lie. go you.

im tired of being tired. and sick of being sick. but that's nothing new.

tomorrow we go back to the surgeon to get my MRI results. that's not scary at all...

the place i got my glasses from annoyed me this morning. i love love LOVE my new frames but... i cant see out of them. they didn't put the glare coating on them because they didnt think i could afford it. really? and you couldn't ask me because... ? 33 bucks is STILL wayyyy cheaper than getting them elsewhere! i had to argue with the girl to tell her, if i cant see whats the point in having them? she called the insurance company and theyre gonna fix it. smh, i just dont understand why people cant open their mouths and ask questions?!

what else was there... crap. i hate not having a memory...

oh yeah. ive been surrounding myself with positive people and that seems to be doing a world of good. ive started to stop taking peoples problems on as my own. they ask for my advice, i give it, they choose to ignore it and still go down a horrible path... im done. i dont care. ur husbands gonna abuse you, fine. im done caring. i cant save you. i dont know why people ask me what i think and then get mad when its not what they want to hear. ive never been that friend and i never will.

mom says she thinks the new medicine im on is working. im not too sure. im angry. like ANGRY. and a little sad. shouldn't i be over all of this already? or will i not start to be getting over this until my tumors gone and i FEEL better and LOOK better? is that when ill stop being angry? yes, i have alot i can be upset about, but why? i always tell everyone i cant sit around and cry about what happened because that does no one any good...

oh yeah. STOP ASKING ME IF IM GETTING MY FUCKING SIGHT BACK! dont say, you really cant see? why not? you cant even see a little?
no im lying to u dumbass
will you ever get it back? why not? isnt there a surgery they can do?
why dont u just stop asking me. especially when i tell u to stop asking me.

i just feel like screaming. and i did. the other day. i just SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMED because i didnt know what else to do. i felt a little better afterward.

if i didnt feel like such crap today id be gluing the backs to these bows so i could send them out. but i cant stop coughing or sneezing... whatever.

its just one of those days i guess.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

im on the edge of glory....

or the edge of tears.
or both.
im definately on the edge of something.

im really tired of being on the edge of tears... its like... one false move and BLAMO! the waterworks fall! but... i dont think im sad. or i dont know why im sad. or if im sad. or its like a depression thing. because i feel myself sinking. really bad. last night i was moody as all hell and ready to punch someone in the face. the headache didnt help any.

i feel like a complete trainwreck. im not anywhere near where i thought i would be and lord knows this was NOT in my life plan. at all. in fact? my life plan was shot to helllllllllll a few years ago. so i decided to create a new plan. and that didnt work. so i created another plan. and that didn't work. i know, i know, God's plan is usually different than ours, but did i have to get sick to find that out? what is He showing me? slow down? have patience? stop accepting less than you deserve? stop puttng everyones needs before your own? it's not your job to save the world? you can't save those who don't want to be saved? there's too much negativity surrounding you? take out the trash?

i had wanted to go back to school. my plan for 2010 was to enroll so i could get my masters. so i could do my job better. a job that I LOVED. a job that made me feel like i was making a difference, even when my coworkers made me feel like shit. and tried to tell me, 'its just a job nicole'. it wasnt just a fucking job. so, i brought my work home with me. so i cared about those kids. I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. they deserve to know that someone cares about them, and that there is hope. what's so wrong with trying to instill hope in future generations? NOTHING. but yet, i was made out to be the bad guy because i didnt just ask the questions on the fucking paper. i asked personal questions. id ask their favorite colors. ask about music. laugh about what was going on in school. i wanted them to trust me, to know that i wouldnt let them down the way the rest of the world had. but i forgot. it was just supposed to be a fucking job.

but guess what? I DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE. i dont care how shallow that sounds, but im HAPPY with the emails, and the thank you's and the you've always been there or the you've changed my life. i made a difference. too bad the people i worked with couldn't always see that. i still have my bracelet that one of my kids got me for christmas: my name on one side and hers on the other. i love that thing. i love the foster parents that keep in touch with me. the ones who make time for me. the ones i bonded with. and hell, now that im no longer working, i can be better friends with. there are some pretty amazing families employed by my old place of employment, and i hope to God that these families know what a difference they're making and how blessed anyone who gets to know them are. they're making differences in the lives of children, and caseworkers. :)

i get frustrated. and i dont always like to admit it, but if u read my blog then you know that ill admit it here. i dont like to cry. i dont like to feel weak. everyone says that im so strong, and yeah, i guess i am. what really made my wanna cry was talking to my grandmother the other night, telling me how i inspire HER. how much i mean to HER and how she tells her old biddie friends about how remarkable her granddaughter is. i don't have blood grandparents left. but Gramma Ger never had kids of her own, and asked me if she and her husband could 'adopt' me. Funny thing? i look like i could be a part of that family. Grandpa Richie is taller than me, and Gramma Ger is a loud Italian lady. hmmm... and I met her working at DressBarn, which also was more than just a job to me. i loved making women feel good about themselves by helping them feel pretty. and there... i was encouraged. to never give up. to always strive for excellence- be it in the workplace, or at school. i didn't always get along with my boss... we were from two different walks of life. hell, i was the youngest by 22 years. but ya know what? she was responsible for helping to mold me into who i am today. she encouraged my education. helped me with my homework. and was super proud of me for graduating, with everything i had been through. i never gave up. and i never will

and maybe thats another reason im so frustrated. i want to quit. i want to give up. i want to stop. i want to spend a day or three in bed. in the dark. just snuggling with my dog and listening to music. not inspiring anyone. not fighting. just... being. alone.

and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im not suicidal. im not sad. ok, maybe a little. im a little angry. but try and be me for a day, and have sunshine spill out of you every damn day so you can say: IF I CAN DO THIS WITH A SMILE ON, SO CAN YOU! which is what im trying to show people, that yeah, ive got a life threatening, life changing, ugly as hell, painful, gross, disease. but guess what? IM ALIVE. and IM HERE. and there's a plan. there's a plan for all of us... but... there's something bigger at work here, and i may not know why all of this is happening... but it is. and it did. and all i can do is smile. and bitch on my blog :)

i thought 2012 was supposed to be a better year. its feb 2nd and i have witnessed so much heartache... not just me, my friends, my family... it's like its a tailspin... or a big pile of quicksand that's sucking everyone down into the abyss... but we can't let that happen, can we? noooooope. not how we operate. it's not how i operate... although i think a few days in the abyss might be kinda nice. and maybe this damn headache would go away.

ive cried off an on all day today. since yesterday. well... since tuesday. pat's dying. baby charlie is in neonatal and they dont know whats wrong with him. my cousins hearts are breaking. i have a headache that won't go away. im disappointed in the human race. wah wah wah. right?

but then i cried again. today. because a few of my friends want to go to sarah st for open mic night next week. my heart felt like it was going to burst because of how happy i got. thank god the dr gave me flippin medication yesterday. i cant take these mood swings. but anyway, how incredibly excited am i? a night with anthony and j cook and erica and sal? but... i may be gone by the time sal gets there. im not a superhero, i do have some limits. unless my dad will pick me up late. then... well.. who knows. :) and theyre gonna sing. and were gonna laugh. and im probably going to cry but i have a feeling im going to feel normal. or kind of normal. but really, like my gram says, were u ever really normal? ha. shes somethin else that lady. and im actually thinking that my next trip, which is supposed to be to cape may... im not gonna take. im gonna go to delaware. and be with her and my grandpa, in their 55 plus community. and do game night. and light yoga. and laugh. and play with dogs... all of which i do in cape may, but maybe i need a change of scenery.

its the superbowl this sunday. and my btf is coming with me to csilla and georges. which makes me happy. bc no matter what, that kid always comes back. and loves me. healthy. sick. bitchy. happy. scared. chatty. quiet. drunk. sober. he's team nicci. always has been. and everyone deserves to have someone who'll take a bullet for them *haha superman* or someone who'll get a tattoo with you/for you. wholl laugh with you. and cry with you.

and i have more than just my btf. there are alot of members to team nicci and i love you all. and if i had money id make t-shirts for everyone.

i have a *wife* who always seems to know when i need to hear from her. and vice versa. and while we dont see each other as often as we like, when we do... its like i just saw her yesterday.

i have a csilla. and everyone needs a small star like her, even though she's a bigger star than she gives herself credit for. this girl works her ass off. is getting an education. is working. has a relationship. knows her flaws and faults and fixes them. and ya know what? she still makes time for me. no matter how crazy life gets, she makes sure that i know she loves me. <3

i have a mana. who lives a billion lightyears too far but... shes one of the closest friends i have. which is kinda crazy, but wonderful. weve been friends since 2nd? 3rd? grade? and she has this beautiful family and one of the most wonderful souls of anyone i have ever met. and she smiles. and shes positive. and im sure she has her weak moments, where she gets sad or angry, but she doesnt show it. or if she does, she still makes time. and is wonderful and encouraging. and gets into my head like no one else does. which is cool. and creepy. lol <3 but only she knows what i mean by that.

and i have a Jennie... or a princess, so she knows im talking about her. every day i speak to her, even if its just a hey i love u kbye. every day. she makes that effort. she gets it. she knows what its like to have a life challenge and what it takes to overcome. shes one of the strongest people i know.

and theres a jenn. or a tootsie roll. who's ride or die. and is 12 inches shorter than me, but let me tell u... mess with me and ur gonna have a little person bite your ankles. or make you feel like u were never born.

and theres a whole jersey team nicci... and yall know who you are. who would do anything. be anything. anywhere. to anyone. because that's just what we do.

there's an angie, a big cliff, a baby cliffy and a baby charlie... who have become family to me. i love that we're as close as sisters. and that i have two adorable nephews... who need serious prayer right now. sickness sucks. but i love them. all of them. and am so blessed to know them... one of the blessings of working for CYS- i got myself a 'sister'
and there's my incredible family. who, i dont know how id get by without them. any of them. even the crazy ones. family first. that's just how it is. it's how i was brought up. and i dont think i would want to have been raised any other way.

and there's lots of other people i could mention. but the list is far too long.

so yes. i am on the edge of glory. i have a good life. a life i didnt ever want. but its mine. and my struggles make me who i am.

i will go back to school. maybe not to be a social worker. i do enjoy makeup. and like making people pretty. so maybe ill be a makeup artist
maybe ill learn to paint
maybe ill learn small business management so i can run my own boutique... well... probably not. but if me and g do decide to open a photography studio... that could help us. who knows
but i will continue my education. when God decides its time for me to be healed...

do i wish this never happened to me? actually... no. yeah it sucks that im sick. but... there's a reason for all of this. and i may not know what that reason is, but this is the hand i was dealt. and im gonna win this card game.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

morally unacceptable

I AM MORALLY UNACCEPTABLE!
wanna know why?

i am not easy. i will not sleep with you. if im in a relationship i will not cheat. i do not condone cheating. i do not condone lying, manipulating, stealing... if you're unhappy, fix it. i do not approve of giving underage kids liquor. i dont approve of child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, emotional abuse, animal cruelty, bigots, racism...
i am pro-choice. i believe in God. i believe in higher powers. i believe in the power of positive thinking. i believe if u have the time to bitch about something, u have time to change it. i believe that whatever u put into the universe, u get back.
i believe in reiki. i believe in counseling. i believe in the use of medication. i believe in the use of holistic healing.
i believe in fighting for what you believe in. stand for something, or youll fall for ANYTHING
i believe that everyone has a purpose in life. and if people are causing u nothing but pain and suffering- get rid of them.
i say i dont judge. but im lying. i do judge. WE ALL DO. we just aren't all vocal about it.
i believe in the power of love, not just romantic love, but all love. 
without my family i wouldnt be as strong as i am.
i have cousins who are my closest friends
i take too many pictures of my dog
i want everyone to be happy
i dont like intentionally hurting people, so i dont
anything ill say behind your back, ill say to your face. so more than likely, im not saying it behind your back
i walk with a cane some days.
some days i use a walker
i wear glasses
i were ONE contact
i have ONE eye. well, ok. i have two but i can only see out of one.
im a daughter. a friend. a sister. a cousin. a sounding board. a keeper of secrets. a motivator. a fighter. a SURVIVOR
i use music to heal my moods
i use painting to calm me down
making hair bows/flowers makes me feel good
i enjoy making people smile
i believe the world could be saved by random acts of kindness.
im all about 2nd chances, sometimes even third.... but you're not getting a fourth
im not malicious
i piss sunshine
i make it my job to get people out of bad moods. and maybe i shouldnt because it stresses me out sometimes
i smile through everything. no matter how much im hurting.
i would give my right arm for someone, even when theyve hurt me.
i get my nails done. enjoy fake baking. and hi-light my hair
i laugh.
i laugh when its inappropriate
i say inappropriate things.
i can be cruel, unintentionally. but dont piss me off. because i will make u feel like an ant
dont dish it out if u cant take it
i will hurt u if u come at me wrong
i enjoy debating. just make sure u have a good argument. i wont back down. even if im wrong.
i fight to the death
i dont drink. didnt know that was a bad thing. but i shouldnt be made to feel bad about it
I HAVE CUSHINGS DISEASE! whoooooaaaaaaaaaa "but u dont look sick" gee thanks. asshat. where that should be a compliment, and i guess it is. but seriously. im not all there. so dont get mad or make me feel like shit about it bc i cant fucking change it. so either accept it or peace the fuck out.
i sing myself to sleep
i have anxiety.
i have PTSD
i dont always feel pretty
i take too many pictures of myself
im loud. very loud.
i spend too much time worrying about others
i worry too much in general
im fun
i walk on the beach in the snow
i enjoy having sand in my car. year round.
i steal water from the ocean and add it to my bath bc i feel the ocean is healing
i tell it like it is. u dont want to know what i really think, dont ask
im an amazon
i love the color green
im addicted to parade day. and think it should be a national holiday
i dress in costume
i still play dressup when im cleaning my room
i love pictures. i take lots of them. of everything. of everyone. and i will pull over on the side of the road if theres a beautiful sunset or sunrise.
im a hugger. im a good hugger. but dont touch me if im upset
i DONT think it happens to all guys. seriously. it should be longer than 30 seconds. figure it out.
i love my smile. and my eyes. but i hate that people can see right through me. my facial expressions speak volumes,
i make blind jokes about myself, brain surgery jokes... but damned if YOU do. ill fuckin knock u the hell out.
ill defend my friends and family, unless i feel theyre wrong.
i think all children should be educated
i think college tuition should be a hell of a lot lower
i think this economy sucks
i think if u want welfare, u should be piss tested
i think. scratch that. i KNOW hanson is the most amazing band on the face of the planet
if you lie with dogs you're gonna get fleas
the company u keep is a reflection of yourself.
i think if ur old enough to spread your legs, youre old enough to decide what to do- whether it be unplanned pregnancy or an STD.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS.
there comes a time where u need to own up. accept blame.
say thank you
say please
ask questions
dont be afraid to be yourself
when you're ugly on the inside, it wont be long until it shows through to the outside, no matter how pretty you are.

ok... so this was all over the place
but whatever.
judge me. haha. bc u know u already did :)