im on the edge of glory....

or the edge of tears.
or both.
im definately on the edge of something.

im really tired of being on the edge of tears... its like... one false move and BLAMO! the waterworks fall! but... i dont think im sad. or i dont know why im sad. or if im sad. or its like a depression thing. because i feel myself sinking. really bad. last night i was moody as all hell and ready to punch someone in the face. the headache didnt help any.

i feel like a complete trainwreck. im not anywhere near where i thought i would be and lord knows this was NOT in my life plan. at all. in fact? my life plan was shot to helllllllllll a few years ago. so i decided to create a new plan. and that didnt work. so i created another plan. and that didn't work. i know, i know, God's plan is usually different than ours, but did i have to get sick to find that out? what is He showing me? slow down? have patience? stop accepting less than you deserve? stop puttng everyones needs before your own? it's not your job to save the world? you can't save those who don't want to be saved? there's too much negativity surrounding you? take out the trash?

i had wanted to go back to school. my plan for 2010 was to enroll so i could get my masters. so i could do my job better. a job that I LOVED. a job that made me feel like i was making a difference, even when my coworkers made me feel like shit. and tried to tell me, 'its just a job nicole'. it wasnt just a fucking job. so, i brought my work home with me. so i cared about those kids. I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. they deserve to know that someone cares about them, and that there is hope. what's so wrong with trying to instill hope in future generations? NOTHING. but yet, i was made out to be the bad guy because i didnt just ask the questions on the fucking paper. i asked personal questions. id ask their favorite colors. ask about music. laugh about what was going on in school. i wanted them to trust me, to know that i wouldnt let them down the way the rest of the world had. but i forgot. it was just supposed to be a fucking job.

but guess what? I DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE. i dont care how shallow that sounds, but im HAPPY with the emails, and the thank you's and the you've always been there or the you've changed my life. i made a difference. too bad the people i worked with couldn't always see that. i still have my bracelet that one of my kids got me for christmas: my name on one side and hers on the other. i love that thing. i love the foster parents that keep in touch with me. the ones who make time for me. the ones i bonded with. and hell, now that im no longer working, i can be better friends with. there are some pretty amazing families employed by my old place of employment, and i hope to God that these families know what a difference they're making and how blessed anyone who gets to know them are. they're making differences in the lives of children, and caseworkers. :)

i get frustrated. and i dont always like to admit it, but if u read my blog then you know that ill admit it here. i dont like to cry. i dont like to feel weak. everyone says that im so strong, and yeah, i guess i am. what really made my wanna cry was talking to my grandmother the other night, telling me how i inspire HER. how much i mean to HER and how she tells her old biddie friends about how remarkable her granddaughter is. i don't have blood grandparents left. but Gramma Ger never had kids of her own, and asked me if she and her husband could 'adopt' me. Funny thing? i look like i could be a part of that family. Grandpa Richie is taller than me, and Gramma Ger is a loud Italian lady. hmmm... and I met her working at DressBarn, which also was more than just a job to me. i loved making women feel good about themselves by helping them feel pretty. and there... i was encouraged. to never give up. to always strive for excellence- be it in the workplace, or at school. i didn't always get along with my boss... we were from two different walks of life. hell, i was the youngest by 22 years. but ya know what? she was responsible for helping to mold me into who i am today. she encouraged my education. helped me with my homework. and was super proud of me for graduating, with everything i had been through. i never gave up. and i never will

and maybe thats another reason im so frustrated. i want to quit. i want to give up. i want to stop. i want to spend a day or three in bed. in the dark. just snuggling with my dog and listening to music. not inspiring anyone. not fighting. just... being. alone.

and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im not suicidal. im not sad. ok, maybe a little. im a little angry. but try and be me for a day, and have sunshine spill out of you every damn day so you can say: IF I CAN DO THIS WITH A SMILE ON, SO CAN YOU! which is what im trying to show people, that yeah, ive got a life threatening, life changing, ugly as hell, painful, gross, disease. but guess what? IM ALIVE. and IM HERE. and there's a plan. there's a plan for all of us... but... there's something bigger at work here, and i may not know why all of this is happening... but it is. and it did. and all i can do is smile. and bitch on my blog :)

i thought 2012 was supposed to be a better year. its feb 2nd and i have witnessed so much heartache... not just me, my friends, my family... it's like its a tailspin... or a big pile of quicksand that's sucking everyone down into the abyss... but we can't let that happen, can we? noooooope. not how we operate. it's not how i operate... although i think a few days in the abyss might be kinda nice. and maybe this damn headache would go away.

ive cried off an on all day today. since yesterday. well... since tuesday. pat's dying. baby charlie is in neonatal and they dont know whats wrong with him. my cousins hearts are breaking. i have a headache that won't go away. im disappointed in the human race. wah wah wah. right?

but then i cried again. today. because a few of my friends want to go to sarah st for open mic night next week. my heart felt like it was going to burst because of how happy i got. thank god the dr gave me flippin medication yesterday. i cant take these mood swings. but anyway, how incredibly excited am i? a night with anthony and j cook and erica and sal? but... i may be gone by the time sal gets there. im not a superhero, i do have some limits. unless my dad will pick me up late. then... well.. who knows. :) and theyre gonna sing. and were gonna laugh. and im probably going to cry but i have a feeling im going to feel normal. or kind of normal. but really, like my gram says, were u ever really normal? ha. shes somethin else that lady. and im actually thinking that my next trip, which is supposed to be to cape may... im not gonna take. im gonna go to delaware. and be with her and my grandpa, in their 55 plus community. and do game night. and light yoga. and laugh. and play with dogs... all of which i do in cape may, but maybe i need a change of scenery.

its the superbowl this sunday. and my btf is coming with me to csilla and georges. which makes me happy. bc no matter what, that kid always comes back. and loves me. healthy. sick. bitchy. happy. scared. chatty. quiet. drunk. sober. he's team nicci. always has been. and everyone deserves to have someone who'll take a bullet for them *haha superman* or someone who'll get a tattoo with you/for you. wholl laugh with you. and cry with you.

and i have more than just my btf. there are alot of members to team nicci and i love you all. and if i had money id make t-shirts for everyone.

i have a *wife* who always seems to know when i need to hear from her. and vice versa. and while we dont see each other as often as we like, when we do... its like i just saw her yesterday.

i have a csilla. and everyone needs a small star like her, even though she's a bigger star than she gives herself credit for. this girl works her ass off. is getting an education. is working. has a relationship. knows her flaws and faults and fixes them. and ya know what? she still makes time for me. no matter how crazy life gets, she makes sure that i know she loves me. <3

i have a mana. who lives a billion lightyears too far but... shes one of the closest friends i have. which is kinda crazy, but wonderful. weve been friends since 2nd? 3rd? grade? and she has this beautiful family and one of the most wonderful souls of anyone i have ever met. and she smiles. and shes positive. and im sure she has her weak moments, where she gets sad or angry, but she doesnt show it. or if she does, she still makes time. and is wonderful and encouraging. and gets into my head like no one else does. which is cool. and creepy. lol <3 but only she knows what i mean by that.

and i have a Jennie... or a princess, so she knows im talking about her. every day i speak to her, even if its just a hey i love u kbye. every day. she makes that effort. she gets it. she knows what its like to have a life challenge and what it takes to overcome. shes one of the strongest people i know.

and theres a jenn. or a tootsie roll. who's ride or die. and is 12 inches shorter than me, but let me tell u... mess with me and ur gonna have a little person bite your ankles. or make you feel like u were never born.

and theres a whole jersey team nicci... and yall know who you are. who would do anything. be anything. anywhere. to anyone. because that's just what we do.

there's an angie, a big cliff, a baby cliffy and a baby charlie... who have become family to me. i love that we're as close as sisters. and that i have two adorable nephews... who need serious prayer right now. sickness sucks. but i love them. all of them. and am so blessed to know them... one of the blessings of working for CYS- i got myself a 'sister'
and there's my incredible family. who, i dont know how id get by without them. any of them. even the crazy ones. family first. that's just how it is. it's how i was brought up. and i dont think i would want to have been raised any other way.

and there's lots of other people i could mention. but the list is far too long.

so yes. i am on the edge of glory. i have a good life. a life i didnt ever want. but its mine. and my struggles make me who i am.

i will go back to school. maybe not to be a social worker. i do enjoy makeup. and like making people pretty. so maybe ill be a makeup artist
maybe ill learn to paint
maybe ill learn small business management so i can run my own boutique... well... probably not. but if me and g do decide to open a photography studio... that could help us. who knows
but i will continue my education. when God decides its time for me to be healed...

do i wish this never happened to me? actually... no. yeah it sucks that im sick. but... there's a reason for all of this. and i may not know what that reason is, but this is the hand i was dealt. and im gonna win this card game.