shuuuuuuuuuuuuut it.

because i dont have enough to deal with...

thank you oh so much for pointing out to me that i used to be alot thinner. that i looked alot better. thank you so so much. do u not think i know that douchebag? seriously? why would you tell your wife that you used to have the hots for me back in hs? why did you tell her that you still think im pretty hott, IN FRONT OF HER? AT A FUNERAL? are you an imbisile? oh wait, i forgot... YES YOU ARE!! thats why i stopped talking to you all those years ago you jacktard!!! smh. the only reason i went and sat next to you to talk to you, was because we were at a wake and you were loud as holy hell! and you were swearing. seriously? have some fucking respect bro. and then making a scene to signal your wife over to talk to us. like... really? smh. i dont get it. i really dont. idiot.

yesterday was bittersweet. i can't believe she's gone... and so quickly. last wednesday they were talking about how she'd have at most, 3 months... and then saturday... she was gone. i dont think anyone realized how sick she really was. i know i had no idea. first the docs said that they got it all, and then... she had cancer in her lungs. and they couldn't do anything... i just... wow. i feel like i should have cried alot more than i have. and i do. i cry randomly but... idk. walking past her casket yesterday, all i could do was bite my tongue and think to myself... that's my friend in that box. it was a closed casket, so to me it wasn't real. but she's gone. and i know that. i just... i dont know. she was my friend. she was my boss. and i used to piss her off all the time on purpose. we just had that kind of relationship. id hide fake spiders in her food. shed do the same to me. shed tell me i was dating douchebags and id laugh and say, the sex is good. and her face would get really red. wed steal steak knives from restaurants. wed make people feel pretty together. shed encourage me as i went to college and as i left our job to work in my career field. she never tried to make me feel bad. i remember there was ONE time when she really hurt me, but i dont even remember what it was, so it probably wasn't that important. *sigh* when i got sick she was one of the first to get a hold of me and always had her kids keeping tabs on me... that's what a second mother does. well, thats what she was to me years ago. and a friend. i used to talk to her about everything. and i probably still will. because i know shell be able to hear me.

i got to spend time with my 2824 girls. We laughed alot. We caught up. We took a picture. It felt really good to catch up. And I got to see my adopted grandparents, which was a pleasure as always. I'm looking forward to spending a few days with them down in Delaware when my mom has her radiation, something different. It's not Cape May, but it's the beach and Grandpa Richie promised me a Delware hoodie lol, he knows all about my obsession...

i know there's more that was on my mind... oh yeah.

dumb bitches. seriously? im totally ok with you talking shit about me. why? because i dont sweat it. why? because you never really mattered to me. does that sound harsh? oh well. sometimes the truth hurts. i started talking to you again because you said you were sorry for all the drama you caused and you were so scared when i got sick. (i tend to forget that MY near death experience wasn't about ME at all. whoops) so why bother running your mouth now? are we in high school? are you afraid of something? seriously lady. stop lying. stop trying. i love how you preach the Good Word and yet all you do is lie. go you.

im tired of being tired. and sick of being sick. but that's nothing new.

tomorrow we go back to the surgeon to get my MRI results. that's not scary at all...

the place i got my glasses from annoyed me this morning. i love love LOVE my new frames but... i cant see out of them. they didn't put the glare coating on them because they didnt think i could afford it. really? and you couldn't ask me because... ? 33 bucks is STILL wayyyy cheaper than getting them elsewhere! i had to argue with the girl to tell her, if i cant see whats the point in having them? she called the insurance company and theyre gonna fix it. smh, i just dont understand why people cant open their mouths and ask questions?!

what else was there... crap. i hate not having a memory...

oh yeah. ive been surrounding myself with positive people and that seems to be doing a world of good. ive started to stop taking peoples problems on as my own. they ask for my advice, i give it, they choose to ignore it and still go down a horrible path... im done. i dont care. ur husbands gonna abuse you, fine. im done caring. i cant save you. i dont know why people ask me what i think and then get mad when its not what they want to hear. ive never been that friend and i never will.

mom says she thinks the new medicine im on is working. im not too sure. im angry. like ANGRY. and a little sad. shouldn't i be over all of this already? or will i not start to be getting over this until my tumors gone and i FEEL better and LOOK better? is that when ill stop being angry? yes, i have alot i can be upset about, but why? i always tell everyone i cant sit around and cry about what happened because that does no one any good...

oh yeah. STOP ASKING ME IF IM GETTING MY FUCKING SIGHT BACK! dont say, you really cant see? why not? you cant even see a little?
no im lying to u dumbass
will you ever get it back? why not? isnt there a surgery they can do?
why dont u just stop asking me. especially when i tell u to stop asking me.

i just feel like screaming. and i did. the other day. i just SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMED because i didnt know what else to do. i felt a little better afterward.

if i didnt feel like such crap today id be gluing the backs to these bows so i could send them out. but i cant stop coughing or sneezing... whatever.

its just one of those days i guess.