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Monday, February 20, 2012

this is getting real old, real fast...

usually im all about the positivity and staying happy and finding the sunshine in every rainstorm but... WHAT THE FRIG?!!!

still no answers.
still really sick.

i feel like no one is listening to me! the testing i did on friday came back with no abnormalities, which is good but IM STILL SICK! the doctor didn't even look at the report, the nurse read it to me. im STILL waiting on a call back from them, as well as my other doctor...

im just so sick of being sick! and im sick of saying the same thing over and over and over again. my cortisol level was normal. fabulous. so then why do i still look the way i do? why am i wanting to constantly puke? why is my head throbbing, my chest pounding, it hurting when i breathe? im having a hard time gripping things. the only time i dont hurt, is when im sleeping. if im sleeping. which means i have to take an ativan to get to sleep. which i dont like to do because i dont want to have to rely on medication to get me through the night... but i guess i already am relying on medication because i take so damn much of it.

i want to not feel like crying. i am on the brink of tears right now. youd think that the dr telling me that my cortisol level was good would make me happy. it didnt. i was actually hoping it wouldnt come back normal so he would up my meds and maybe id see better results. i hate looking like this. feeling like this. being a part of this. and yet... i manage to keep it all together on the outside while i feel like im falling apart on the inside.

some days i feel like my life is just slipping away from me... like... really. what DO i have to live for? what great accomplishment is there that im doing? im not working. i can barely function in society. yeah, im getting better but... for what? what is this great plan that im here for? my memory sucks. which,.. could actually be a good thing in some cases... but im sick of it all. i just... i dont know. i just dont know. i feel like a waste of space.

i want to go hiking. or swimming. or do some reading. or karaoking. or dancing. or something... but its not happening. i have a hard enough time moving around, let alone moving around because im too damn sick.

i love how people just assume im sitting around living the high life bc im not working. seriously? what i wouldn't give to bitch about having to work... smh. yall dont know what you have and im so sick of healthy people taking their lives for granted. or talking about how miserable their lives are.

you're healthy. go do something. you can change what's wrong in your life. stop taking everything and everyone for granted.

and another thing. im really sick of doctors not listening to me again. i feel like im just here. and theyre like... whatever nicole. blah blah blah. i feel like its going in one ear and out the other. like they dont believe me. im not making this shit up. thats what got me into this situation in the first place, NO ONE WOULD FUCKING LISTEN!!! im not crazy. im not insane. im not a hypochondriac. there is seriously something wrong.

but... again... im just getting pushed off to the side. which isn't fair. but its life and it seems like the more i fight or try and get answers, the more i get blown off...

whatever. just another day....

1 comment:

  1. There has to be a reason for your current/continuing symptoms. Maybe you need a new doctor? Could it be possible that some of these symptoms are stress and anxiety related? You've been through a lot, and you are seeing POSITIVE test results. Even if you aren't feeling their affects yet, you are closer to healthy than before. I know it's hard pretending its all ok, and that you don't feel sick anymore, but its better than getting swallowed up by sickness.

    You do have a greater purpose, if you didn't you wouldn't still be here. What do you think your purpose is?

    I love you and am here for you whether you are sunshine and smiles, or mud and misery. Allow yourself to feel the pain just long enough to accept that you deserve better, then keep moving forward and don't look back.