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Thursday, December 27, 2012

i can't fix you

i had a list of things that i wanted to write about... but this keeps eating away at me. 

i can't fix you. 

i can't. i don't have a toolbox. i don't have a magic wand. i don't have all the answers. 

i don't have a degree in psychology. i can't see the future. i can't erase the past. i can't fix your mistakes. 

can i give you advice? sure. but if you don't want my advice, don't ask me for it. if you don't want to hear what i have to say, why are you asking me? i've never been one to sugarcoat shit. i'm not going to protect your feelings. i don't care. i'm going to be completely honest with you. if i feel like you're acting like a complete fool, i'll tell you. if i think you're overreacting, i'll tell you. it's that simple. don't come to me with your problems, expecting me to wave a magic fairy wand or sprinkle fairy dust and POOF everything will be all better. HELLO this is reality. 

do i piss sunshine and rainbows on a daily basis? well, yes. BUT, i also know that life doesn't operate like that. there are hard times, there are tears and there is unfairness in the world. we need to accept that. if you can make the change for something positive happening in your life, then do something about it and stop fucking whining to me about it. 

here's a thought- I AM SICK! I AM A FUCKING SICK PERSON AND I AM NOT BETTER. I AM NOT WELL. or have we all forgotten that? i know, i'd like to forget that, too, but i kinda live with that every fucking day of my life. i'm so sorry that it weighs YOU down and that it's a problem for YOU. did you ever stop and think that maybe, just MAYBE you could be making me sicker? why don't y'all do some bloody research on cushing's instead of just thinking that because you know something with cushings that you know all about it. because you don't. 

stress makes me sicker. 
bad weather makes me sicker.
too much of anything makes me sicker. 
anxiety? makes me sicker. 

you have no idea what i'm going through on a daily basis because you don't ask. or you do ask and i'll give you a little bit and then it's back to being all about you. which is fine. i've been down this road, but seriously, the toxicity makes me sicker. 

i enjoy my alone time. i do. i haven't been going out because i don't feel well. my head's been hurting. my body's been aching and honestly? i've been getting anxious about going places by myself. maybe i need my medication increased. or maybe i don't want to go anywhere because i don't have any health insurance right now and i don't want to risk anything happening to me so i stay in my little bubble and that's ok. 

it doesn't mean i don't want to be around people. well, maybe it does. i do miss my friends though. i'm kinda thinking i'd like to have my karaoke peeps over. or maybe we should go out to dinner, minus the karaoke. because, well, we can't really hear each other over the singing. 

it was nice having lizzie curled up on the couch with me watching that cushings thing, even though she's allergic to my dog...

i think i'll write a book. maybe not a big book, but a pamphlet and give it to my friends and call it: How Cushing's Affects ME 
this way, they'll know what i'm dealing with. and how i'm dealing and what i need, what they can do, what i do, etc. 

betcha didn't know i lost feeling in my legs at church on Christmas Eve, didja... no. you didn't. only 2 people know that much... aside from my immediate family. and i'm ok with that. i don't need to tell the whole world my problems. i don't care. that's why i have this blog. i can say what i want and be free about it. that's the point of this. writing about my life with cushings. whoever wants to read it, can read it. 

ya know what is nice though? being cared about. and i am. i've gone to bed every night with a smile on my face for quite some time now. and i'm smiling right now. but that's another story for another day. :)

i'm a blessed girl. i'm not a victim, i've never been a victim. i can't STAND when people play the victim card. we're SURVIVORS! the more people start playing the survivor card the better off we'll be. but, too many people want to take advantage. it's disgusting. whatever.

but, like i said. i'm a blessed girl. every day i count my blessings. i have an amazing family, great friends, a loving dog, wonderful doctors, i have my health- yes i said it, my HEALTH- so what, it goes up and down, i have Cushings- yup. my disease is a blessing. i'm going to educate people. Cushings has taught me alot about myself and the world and that's ok. it's also given me alot of experiences. I never would have gotten to meet my dawniekins or greggypoo in sanfran and had the BEST chocolate in the world! :) i'm blessed.

i can't fix you. i can only work on fixing me, and that's a feat in itself. i can't fix you, i have enough on my plate. before you throw the weight of YOUR world on MY shoulders, try and consider what's going on in my life. no, you're right. i don't work and it may seem like i don't do much... but spend a day in my shoes. 

i'm exhausted. some days... showering takes alot out of me. you have no idea. so when you just think, oh, she has it sooooooooooooo easy. why don't you do some research. or, when you say, how are you? and i say, managing. or i respond with, i'm ok. or something short... if you REALLY want to know... ask  a little more. there's only a few people who choose to dig a little deeper. they know who they are. and those conversations mean the world to me. 

i'm really happy. i am. i have this beautiful sense of inner peace. my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to burst! my life is beautiful. but physically? some days... ick. some days... mentally it's rough, too. i'm wondering if cushings has given me seasonal depression, too. or? if it's all this shit that's been thrown at me. i know too much, and it makes me wanna throw up and i've got nowhere to go with this because i have no health insurance. and i can't blog about it... *sigh* just a few more days....

i love you all. i do. whomevers reading this. know that you're important and beautiful and wonderful and that everything is going to be ok. i just can't fix you. but you on the otherhand... you CAN. fix you.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

don't cry to me argentina

the truth is i don't want to hear it.

well, ok. so i don't mind hearing about what's wrong. but seriously? do something about it. and if you're not gonna, shut up. it's as simple as that.

there comes a point in life where you have to realize that the crap that's happening to you... you kinda bring on yourself.

the way i see it... when i was going through the same problem over and over and over again. and nothing was changing... one day it just kinda hit me. like... maybe I was the problem. or ok, it wasn't me, but it was my approach. the situation was just shitty and i was accepting shittiness to keep happening. so what did i need to do? change the situation. i needed to stop accepting crap and start demanding more. and when the more wasn't coming, i needed to put on my brass bra and go titties to the wall and do it MY way. and if whomever was in the situation didn't like it, BYEBYE. this is NICCI'S WORLD. it's about ME. and MY HAPPINESS. i needed to put my feelings, my emotions, my self-worth first. if i'm crying and miserable, what good is that doing me, or those around me? NEWSFLASH!!! it's not doing any good!!

i've started cutting people out of my life. not started, i started that a while ago. i guess since it's almost the end of 2012, i'm noticing that since it's been 6 months or maybe longer without these people... i don't miss them... AT ALL. hell, it's been less than that for some and i don't miss them... and i don't know. is that sad? i had thought that they were such an important part of my life, that i wouldn't be able to get on without them... but here i am. i'm living, i'm breathing, i'm smiling and i'm doing just fine. what is sad, is that some of them are family. but what i've come to realize, family isn't always your bloodline. which is fine. i actually learned that years ago. my uncle on my mom's side is the biggest douchebag ever. seriously. if i died tomorrow, i wouldn't want him at my funeral. in fact, i'd want someone making sure he wasn't allowed to see my casket. and i mean that. and that goes for his wife and his kids. fuck them. all of them :) they're not my family. they're people who share my bloodline.

but yeah. it's been a year since i've seen or spoken to some people, and i don't know why they would still consider me a friend. wouldn't that just make us aquaintances? i don't miss you. you miss me? well... you should. i'm freaking amazing.

and don't contact me because you want something. seriously? what's wrong with you. i'm not gonna help you. i'm not gonna give it to you. and if i DO have what you need, you really think that i'm gonna help you out? why, because i'm a good, loving, wonderful person? you're right. i am all of those things. but please, tell me what you've done to deserve any of my awesomeness? that's what i thought.

i can only do so much. and i'm ready to rip my hair out. people come to me for advice because, as i've been told i'm 'refreshingly brutally honest'. so... if you're not happy with what i'm saying, don't ask me. especially don't ask me more than once. because my answer won't change. and if it does, it may get more harsh. i'm all about solving problems with love and trying to come up with a happy solution, but sometimes... a person just needs a slap in the face.

they say that the 'faults' we see in others are our own. so, i think i get frustrated when my friends are treated like garbage because, for so long, i was treated like garbage. so maybe, i do see my flaws in others. i don't want to see them being treated the way that i was, when i know that they deserve better, and i know that they know it, too.

too often we accept so much less than we deserve.

and let's talk about this no strings attached sex, shall we? when the hell did this become ok? i'm no angel, i've partaken. but good lord! more and more babies are havin babies! there are wayyyyyyyyyy too many babies without daddies. too many babies without mommies AND daddies. too many babies in need of adoptive homes, too many kids growin up in foster care. WRAP IT THE FUCK UP IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ASSHOLE!

i'm prochoice. so, do what you want with your body. i don't care.

but if you're going to choose to have the baby, choose to take care of it!

i can't physically have kids, because of cushing's, now... but my goodness...

unless i can. that's something i was wondering. maybe i'm watching too much general hospital. i wonder if there's a procedure or something... but my eggs are probably bad.. and that's depressing.

right. the whole no sex in the champagne room. when did we become so ok with this whole no self-worth thing? aren't our bodies supposed to be temples? shouldn't we be worshipping them? why not let ONE person worship it, a person whom we love and cherish? not a kajillion wham-bam-thank-you-maam peeps! who knows where they have been? yeah, we're all gonna be with more than one person. but how bout, we're in a relationship before we hop into bed with the next guy or girl. let's value ourselves. let's value one another. let's stop overpopulating the planet. we keep talking about spaying and neutering dogs and cats because there aren't enough homes for them... take a look around you. there aren't enough homes for all the children out there. it's sad on both occasions.

and love.

let's start spreading more love, shall we? if you know me, you know that i believe in love more than anything else. i believe that love, above all things, can conquer any and everything! it is the light that the darkness most fears. it will make the ugly beautiful. romantic love, family love, friendship love... it's all beautiful. so spread it. tell someone you love them. and if you can't tell someone, show them. actions speak much louder than words, don't you think?

so don't cry to me, don't  cry for me, cry with me.

and wipe those tears away with a tissue of love. because love is the only answer.

Friday, December 14, 2012

not my cup o tea

i just choose not to drink the drama tea anymore.

and why should i? it tastes horrible.

maybe i come off like a bitch. maybe i come off cold-hearted, or mean, or whatever. but, look. if you're going to come to me with some bullshit that i really don't want to hear about, or that's going to make my stomach churn, or that's really fault of your OWN that is kinda sad and pathetic... and that's gonna be dramatic... i don't want to hear about it. i don't want to deal with it. at all.

there's a reason my life is as good as it is. there's a reason the lack of stress is there. I CUT IT ALL OUT! i don't do the drama anymore. i cut out dramatic people. i don't listen to their problems. i don't engage in it.

i understand that some people feel that they can talk to me. but why? where the hell have you been for me? we're not even really friends. we're AQUAINTANCES. and because something's going on in your life, that, trust me, i can say ALOT about, but i won't, that you wanna run your mouth on... no. it has NOTHING to do with me. at all. maybe because you think it involves some people i know, but not really. nope. i want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

if what you have to tell me doesn't directly affect me... i don't care.

if it's a problem that can't be solved by a positive change, oh well.

ok, so this is coming out wrong. i don't mind listening to my FRIENDS vent. i don't mind listening to my FAMILY vent. i don't. i don't mind listening to problems and helping come up with a way to solve them. i don't mind giving advice. but that's for the people i SINCERELY care about, and who ACTUALLY give a shit about me. not for random drive-by frienships.

i don't do drama. keep it to yourself. i don't want it in my life. there's a reason my life is so peaceful and happy.

and yes, i get that i'm sick. and yes, i get angry. i get sad. but it's a peaceful anger. it's a peaceful sad.
so go on, come at me with your drama-filled tea, and i'll just throw some hot water in your face because it's not for me anymore :)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

laugh at yourself

how many of you take that perfect picture? or delete them off your camera/ cell phone if it's not right? you won't post it or let someone tag you if you don't like the way you look.

nope. my eyes are closed.
nope. i look fat
ew. what was i thinking
look at my face
i look gross

who are you trying to impress? who am I trying to impress? who are ANY OF US trying to impress? if we're trying to impress someone other than ourselves, then EHH WRONG ANSWER!

i do it. my god, do i do it. take my phone or my camera away from me, look at it. see how many pictures i have of myself. seriously, go look. and then see how many actually make it to my facebook.  i'm probably one of the most vain people i know.

or i was.

getting sick really turned things around for me. i gained 100lbs in 3 months. THREE FREAKING MONTHS! let's talk about that for self-esteem. so insert lots of drinking and meaningless sex to boost my self-esteem. no, i wasn't slutty. i only had sex with the douchey boyfriend i had. it was good sex, but it meant nothing.

i am looking forward to falling in love and having it mean something again. but that means i have to be comfortable with myself again. with my body. with these scars.

no, he never made me feel bad about myself. in fact, he liked thick girls, so i had that going for me. even though he cheated on me with a twig. but... idk. that's neither here nor there. i always felt pretty. for the most part.

but then the cushing's really kicked into high gear after the first surgery and i BALLOONED. and was camera shy. like, i hid. and ran and ew. ew ew ew ew ew. how i even HAD boyfriends, i couldn't tell you. they were dumbasses. and i don't know why i dated them. oh yeah. someone had to love a sick girl, right? the sex? ha. yeah. bad. omg. sooo sooo bad. but, i was getting it. and... he wasn't judging me so... it was ok, right? and i was finally comfortable enough with how gross i looked to take my clothes off for someone that it was ok. i think that's why i was having sex with him. aside from the whole "in love" thing, which we weren't. at all. at least i wasn't. i tried to be. i tried really hard. but it was a sham. i think it was a sham on his end, too. especially because, well, he's gay. but anyway.

i'm doing ok now. healthwise. i look amazing. i do. and my cortisol levels are normal. and i'm off my meds. SO LET'S TAKE PICTURES!

let's not care. let's tag ourselves. let's get over this crap of impressing people. if you have an issue with what i look like, jump off a cliff. i like myself. hell, i was hott when i was blimpy mcblimperson!! i'm beautiful INSIDE. and that's what i forgot. when you're beautiful inside, it shows outside. i'm blessed that i had people constantly reminding me of that, even though i chose to ignore them, i'm thankful that they never gave up on me.

so here's to pictures! so start snappin and start postin and start impressin YOU!!

this is what my brother thinks about my wackiness. but i wouldn't have it any other way :)

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY FRIEND! now get out that cell phone, make some silly faces and laugh at yourself! <3 it's a good time, trust me! i've been giggling like crazy!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

the engagement!

did you hear?
she's engaged!
let me see the ring!
he's her prince charming!

they broke up?!
are you ok?
what an asshole
what happened?!

and in between, while things were good and there was wedding planning, the amount of people who wanted to be around me was ridiculously insane! everyone wanted to have a part in the planning, in knowing what was going on. everyone had something to say. people i hadn't talked to in ages were commenting... the sick girl fell in love... her prince had come... blah blah blah. 

i fell for it, too. i didn't love him. i wanted to love him, but i didn't. and the sex was terrible. and he's gay. so ya know, that's kind of a deal breaker. 

but anyway... i fell for the people who wanted to be around. apparently a $5000.00 ring meant i was a big deal. that meant that people wanted to spend time with me. but, people should've wanted to spend time with me beforehand because i'm hella awesome! i just didn't realize that. 

and then there was the break-up. and, i being the wonderful person i am, refused to blow his shit up. i still don't. people still don't know all of what happened. unless you're really close to me, you'll never know the full story because it's none of your business. yes, he's gay, but that came out after the break-up. there was... nevermind. anyway, it never would have worked. i didn't love him, he didn't love me. he was abusive, etc. 
but, the people wanting to know, and asking me questions... wowza! and where are said people now? what happened? was i only important because i was engaged? because there was drama? i do believe that was the case. 

because they're ghosts now. 

i hate facebook. i really do. i don't post my personal business like i used to on purpose. there's way too much drama. if i feel the need to get shit out, i'll rant. or i'll blog and post the link. there's a not so friendly/uplifting at the end post up now but... i'm just sick of all the negativity i see. 

people can make changes in their lives and they don't. they'd rather play the victim or sit and cry about it. get the fuck over it. you can make changes in your life and you don't. well, too damn bad. we're responsible for what happens to us, most of the time. is it my fault i went blind? no. but i choose what comes next. i can sit and bitch and moan and whine and cry about it, or i can adapt and change and make positive steps to make things better and that's what i do. do i get annoyed when i trip and stumble and fall? of course. but, this is my life now, and this is what i have to do. i hate when people don't just DO things. stop whining, start doing. don't be lazy. 

lazy. ugh. too often that word gets abused. or misused for us sickies. but then i see people take advantage of the system that we sickies NEED and then we sickies get screwed. like me. i'm losing my health insurance in december because my ssi is gone and my medicaid stopped. medicare doesn't kick in til january and the adult basic program got cut. so because i didn't get knocked up or have a drug addiction, i'm screwed. i can't get sick the month of december, or have a flare up or anything. i'll be walking around in bubble wrap. woohoo. 

i still don't understand why people take their lives for granted. you don't know how good you have it. you woke up didn't you? your heart is beating. yeah, you might be going through a rough time right now, but it's going to get better. and if there is something that YOU can do to make it better, and i'm sure there is, DO IT. even if it's eating a piece of chocolate, or smiling at a stranger, or letting someone get in front of you in line, DO IT. you'd be amazed at what a little bit of kindness can do for your soul...

and another thing. APPRECIATE SOMEONE!!! i said it. i'd like to know i'm appreciated, i really would. i'd like someone to say to me, nicci, i appreciate you. i really do. thank you for being you. it'd be nice to hear. i hear it from danielle, ivory, amanda, my wifey, mama lee... but it would be nice to hear it from someone that i don't hear it every day from. because, i appreciate YOU and i try and let people know how important they are to me, all the time. i don't want my friends and family, the people i care about, to think that they don't matter, because you do. you're important to me and i adore you. i wouldn't tell you that i cared if i didn't. i wouldn't involve myself in your life if i didn't care. i wouldn't argue with you or try to hold onto these relationships if they didn't matter, would i? i'd just let them die off, which is what i've been doing with others...

and now... peeing in jugs. yup. it's that time of year again. i've had to stop my cushings med, which you'd know if you'd been keeping up with my bloggity blog. since i'm losing my insurance i have to do it a month early. i turn in the jugs tomorrow and we see what my levels are and what kind of success radiation has been. that's just a little stressful. 

and then there's foot surgery on tuesday, which my darling danielle is taking me to.

and the insurance stress

and the people stress

and the insomnia

and the cortisol highs and lows

and the dizzy spells

and the cushings sucking ass

and the holiday

and we saw TSO tonight, what an awesome show. 

and the people garbage. 

so yeah. cushings has been kicking my ass. so i'm anxious to see what the peejug is going to reveal. oh, right. what am i talking about? i pee in a jug for 24 hours and that monitors my cortisol levels. my dr will look at the results and see if they're high or low. i've been off the cushings med for almost a month and we'll see what kind of change, if any, there has been. so then we'll see if i need to be put back on it. 

and yes. i am really blind in my right eye. no my brain surgeries were not a joke. i am not kidding when i say i can't see. i really can't. it's not funny. don't joke about it. making cracks on a person with a disability is NEVER funny. how old are we? 5? 

that's another things. kids need to learn respect. oh my. i need to stop or this will just keep going.
i better sleep tonight!!!

be blessed!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

shine bright little star.

part of me feels like i need to apologize for me, but i won't.

part of me feels that i should apologize for what happened TO me, but that's not going to happen either.

instead... i'm going to thank you.

and please, don't take credit, because there are some of you who are going to say, i've been around, i've been there for her, and you're a lying piece of shit who needs to jump off it because you went running when things got tough and you're no longer in the picture because there's no longer room for me in your life. and that's fine. you're reading this and you probably are thinking, what is she talking about? i was there. sure, you were. at some point. and that's fine. so thanks. you served your purpose. maybe a season. but seasons change. so make like an autumn leaf and go fly away. your colors changed, you've fallen from my tree. goodbye.


this is to those of you who are here. who are now. those of you who haven't left. who have stepped up. who have shared in my heartache. my struggles. my frustrations. you've cried with me. you've sang with me. you've laughed with me. you've sang to me. you've helped me find my joy again. you've helped me find the song in my heart when i thought i had no song left to sing. you didn't leave.

and i thought you did. so many times i had felt like you forgot about me, like you had moved on without me, like i didn't matter. like my tears didn't mean anything. that my struggles meant nothing... but that was never the case, was it? you were always here, weren't you...

if you've been paying attention, any attention at all, you know that i have this little disease called CUSHINGS. and you know that it sucks, it sucks A WHOLE LOT. you know that i put on a brave face and i smile through it the best i can. now, if you've done your research, and by research i mean more than just read my blog you know about what comes with it. in case you haven't, i'll fill you in... this is what i've been dealing with:
- SEVERE mood swings angel-bitch-psycho-crying-angel real fast and not know why
- SEVERE panic attacks
- SEVERE anxiety- to the point where i'll be afraid to leave my house
- night terrors
- 29 and in menopause
- i can't conceive, i can't give birth... that's alot for a young girl to deal with. ALOT.
- confusion
- forgetfulness- who/where i am
- memory loss- who/where you are, what we're doing, what we're supposed to be doing, past events, the past few years
- dizzy spells, nausea, falling into things, stomach issues, MRSA, infections, tumors, sinus junk
- migraines that confine me to bed
- 3 brain surgeries
- balance difficulty
- loss of sight in my right eye
- bone loss, which means my bones are very brittle
- i've shrunk- i'm now 5'11 1/2 and i used to be almost 6'1
- i weighed almost 300lbs and i used to be 185...
- my body went through crazy changes. i hated the way i look. some days i still do.
- a moon face.
- easy brusing
- scared that i'm going to die. because this disease is a silent killer. and no one understands it. doctors don't get it. we don't get it. YOU don't get it.

that's just a little blurb. so... it hasn't been an easy journey. it still isn't easy. i mentioned in my last blog about a breakdown i had back in october. well, that breakdown probably should've hospitalized me. i'm not even kidding. i thought about it. signing myself into the hospital. not around here though, pmc sucks monkey balls. BIG monkey balls, god i hate that place. but yes, i did really think about it, alot. alot, alot. i went and saw my psychiatrist, and i have no secrets, and no shame in saying that i cried alot when i talked to her and she said, you don't need an antidepressant, you need a mood stabilizer. and ya know what? i finally caved. i said ok. i hate being on medication, and i've resisted for so long. but, i said ok. i did not want to be the crazy girl on medication!!! but, ok. let's try it. it's not fair to my family or my friends or to me to be snapping all the time. to not understand what's wrong. and my dr, she said, you're not crazy. you had a tumor take over your brain nicole. you need help, it's ok to take the help. so, ok. and you know what? i'm getting there. i'm understanding things more. i'm not as sad. i'm not freaking out all the time. it's only been a week, but i'm seeing a difference. granted, i just kinda yelled at my mom, sorry ma. but, it's a gradual thing. and i'm gonna get there. and i'm gonna be ok.

but you... you haven't given up on me, have you? you've stuck  by me. mood swings, crying spells, happy, sad... all of it.

and when i wanted to drive off the road, you wouldn't let me. when i wanted my life to end, you made me see the value. you all just wrapped your arms around me and said it's going to be ok. we love you. you love you, it's in there. you're gonna find it again. when i couldn't find my song, you sang it to me. you didn't leave me, you were always here. i just... i can't always see it.

sometimes the brightest stars need the darkest skies to shine. i love you for shining through my darkness

Thursday, November 8, 2012

a little sugar, a little spice

well... it's been a while, hasn't it? ALOT has been going on, and then maybe alot hasn't been going on...

it's been up and down and all around here...

i posted a little about my breakdown in my last blog, but i didn't make it really public, or, moreso, didn't post much about it, just that i had a breakdown. October 10th.full on breakdown. Now, I don't know if it was a nervous breakdown, or what you want to call it, but everything came to surface. Everything had been coming. Things had been getting bad. I'm just really good at keeping it all inside... I was like a tea kettle, or a volcano, and it was time for me to errupt... and errupt I did.

I'm blessed though, I was really taken care of that night, and for the weeks to follow...

But let's talk about this breakdown, shall we?

You all know I'm fighting cushings, which every day in itself is a battle and I think I've come to handle it quiet well. I'm not medicated to deal with the emotional aspect of it, which is changing today, as my neurologist so lovingly put it, he can't have his sunshine going dark :) I try to stay positive as best I can. I had some pretty rough things to deal with, family hurts. People telling me that my life sucks, that my friends are moving on and leaving me in the dust... and I guess I had starting to believe that. But really? That's not true. Those same friends that I was being told were going to leave me? Were the ones who were saving me that night. (I've come to these realizations POSTBREAKDOWN MIND YOU)

So breakdown, right. I was on bedrest for most of September and I felt neglected. I was stuck at home. I couldn't go anywhere, I could hardly walk. I was doped up most of the time and in excrutiating pain. I felt alone...

And before that, there was a bunch of hurtful stuff that happened in July/August that I don't even want to BEGIN to talk about because it just turns my stomach and makes my eyes water because these are the people who were never supposed to break my heart. Oh wait, but I'm Nicole, he'd never hit me right? He didn't hit me, but it doesn't mean I'd ever trust him again. Or that I like him. Or that I can even stomach the thought of him. Trust? Right. I've turned over a new leaf. Once you've broken my trust, that trust is DEAD. GONE. BYE BYE.

October's always a hard month for me. There were alot of deaths that month. And it was my birthday. I was just... not feelin it. I never do.

I just felt myself slipping. And I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't sad. I just felt hopeless. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to exist. I just felt... blah. I didn't want to be anymore. I felt like no one would care either way.

A close friend of mine had an abortion. I had one. But this one...I just couldn't handle it. And the pressure was on me to deal with it. To take her for the appointments. Which made me late to my doctors appointments. Which added more stress to my life. Which I can hardly handle.

And then there's the stress of day to day life. I don't work. I can't work. I miss working. I miss being a contributing member of society. Some days I feel like I'm just useless. What am I good for? What can I do? I give smiles and sunshine, and if I'm not giving smiles and sunshine, what good am I?

And then I have people telling me that I'm not good enough. That what I feel that I'm good at, I'm not. Or that they feel sorry for me. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't. I'm going to be ok. I'm just not ok.

When you ask me how I'm doing, and if I say, "I'm managing" or "I'm not ok" I AM NOT OK!!! listen to me, would ya?

One of the benefits of having a meltdown at that beautiful bar that I like to hangout at with my amazing friends, (and no, i don't drink) someone finally listened! as my wonderful friend put it, "you're always saving everyone else, maybe tonight you need to take your cape off and let someone save you".

i was there for a few hours. talking to people. hugging people. having people LISTEN TO ME. and not just, uh huh, yeah ok, listen. i mean, REALLY listen. and they are beautiful people. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

i talked about how scared i was that my dr wants to stop my cushings medication to see if radiation was successful, bc keto isn't something i need to be on for a while. i'm freaking out bc of the anxiety, the weight, the blowing up, the idk what could happen. and they all stepped up and offered to come to my house and sit with me.

after my breakdown? i had people sitting with me. taking time to be with me. spending a day with me. a few hours with me. talking with me. it's been good. i've always been the one to reach out to everyone, make the calls, make the plans, but it's hard for me now. and i feel like i shouldn't always be the one to do it. but i also think i need to do it, too.

idk. sugar and spice.

so... it's been 2 years, 2 months and 4 days since my first surgery and 3 days off the ketocanazole. i'm down 29 lbs so... that's good... i wish it were more but i'll take what i can get!

i took that picture before going to the psychiatrist today. not bad, right? :) starting to feel beautiful again, and trying not to let the negativity of others bring me down. and i'm totally in love with the hat my little brother got me for my birthday!

so, what else... my disability came through, praise God. it's nice to be able to help out my parents. but... since i no longer qualify for SSI... my MA has been suspended so, in dec that means i won't have health insurance? and the only reason i know that is because i called today to find out about whether or not i will have MA once medicare kicks in in january...

so then i call my insurance company, and THEY tell me that NO my insurance has NOT been suspended... so wth. i'm just a basket of confusion...

just one thing after another i suppose...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

over and out

i am really ready to just be done with everything.

it's like whatever i say is wrong.

whatever i do is wrong.

some people don't believe that i'm really sick. what more do i have to do? really? 3 brain surgeries aren't enough? a chronic illness isn't enough? bedrest for most of september isn't enough?

what about the fact that i haven't been leaving my house? how about the fact that i've been pretty completely silent? does the fact that you haven't heard my voice or seen my face worry you in the least bit? it seems that it hasn't. and that worries me, or well... no. no it doesn't anymore. i'd say it angers me, but it doesn't even do that anymore. i've fallen so far deep into this darkness that all i really feel is numb and sad. and sad and numb. and all i really want to do is cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe... just maybe drive my car into a tree. or into a ditch. or off a bridge. maybe. but then, you probably wouldn't notice if i was gone, would you.

no, this isn't a cry for help. because, i wouldn't really do it. just stating how i've been feeling. and i've been feeling this way for quite a long time now.

it all came to surface last wednesday. i had a complete breakdown.

fuck it. i can't even type anymore.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


can i have your attention please?

all cushings patients, possible cushies, this is for YOU!!!

this is a message from the cushiequeen, aka ME

we have what is called, CUSHINGS DISEASE or SYNDROME or CYCLICAL CUSHINGS or... THE UGLY DISEASE... OOOOOOooooooooo.........

well, NEWSFLASH: CUSHIES ARE HOTTIES! i dont care how much you weigh, how much stria you have, hair you grow, you are freaking beautiful, are you reading this? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. CUSHINGS WILL NOT DESTROY YOU! YOU ARE FABULOUS! ♥

i know we all have our bad days, trust me... i've been sinking into the darkness so much that it's almost been impossible to crawl out of. i've been so incredibly sick recently that i've been on bedrest for two weeks. and i just... pretty much hate everyone. and october is a very rough month for me. while i should be enjoying it, it's my birthday month, my best friends got his lead role as an actor, i'm going to a wedding, i'm also mourning the loss of the 6 year anniversary of some suicides of a few friends and the tragic death of another. i hate this month. and im trying to stay strong, but this disease has made it harder...

but you know what? i can't let it beat me. i can't. and i won't. and you can't either. you are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. remember that. when you're struggling and don't think that someone gets it, we do. when you think that no one loves you, we do. we're stronger together. and we will get through this. 

you're beautiful. you're a star. don't let anyone knock your shine ;)

Monday, October 1, 2012

pills, pills and more pills...

instead of saying, there's an app for that... in my life it's... i have a pill for that.

seriously. you should see the arsenal of medication i have. pain meds. nausea meds. life saving meds. blood thinning injections. steroids should i go into an adrenal crisis. something for anxiety and panic attacks. headache meds- because i can't take regular tylenol. something to stop me from going apeshit on someone. something for acid reflux. breathing medication. c.diff medication. antibiotics that i need to keep around. MRSA cream. bacitracin-because im allergic to neosporin. vitamins.

you want it? chances are... i got it.

and you know what? im getting to the point where i am ready to be done. i just am done. i don't want to take anymore pills. i don't want to inject myself every day. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. ok, so it's not ALL the time. but september really took a toll on me- physically and mentally.

i really feel like i'm heading for a break down. and maybe that's why i've blogged two days in a row. maybe that's why the douchebag at the supermarket got to me and i broke into tears in my car...

oh right. my good time at giant...
so there i am. at giant. checking out. and i swiped my fs card. paid the rest in cash, and then i'm putting my bags in my cart when the guy behind me LITERALLY RAMS ME WITH HIS CART. I said, could you give me a second? His reply? Could you move a little faster? What the hell's wrong with you lady? My reply? I'm sorry. There's a reason I'm disability sir.

Are you fucking serious?! what the hell is wrong with people!? and this guy had to have been in his 40's or older. like seriously. he grew up in a time when people should have learned respect. 

so i brought my stuff to my car, walking slowly because i don't feel well. and i have tears streaming down my face. so after i put everything in my car, i walk back into the store. i'm not sure what i was going to do. he wasn't there, so i was going to tell the store manager about what had happened and then i thought... was he going to care? probably not. the cashier didn't say anything. she ignored it, so why bother?

so... i walked back to my car. sat in it for a while. started to cry and then thought i could drive home. nopers. so i drove to the back of the lot. and just bawled. i don't know if i was crying because i was treated like that, because my back hurt... shopping carts hurt, or just from everything i've been dealing with... 

but i'm home... and i have a pill for that. i have an arsenal. and i could take enough where i could never have to deal with ignorant pieces of shit again...

and then i think... that wouldn't really solve anything either. i'd much rather fight back. 

i look forward to the day where i no longer need to take 20 pills a day. not the day i have angel wings and am walking with al and aaron, though i know i will cherish the day i see them again...

this is why i hate october. 

anyway. i really am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i do have my good days but lately... it's been more bad than good. and i'm not liking that. i want more good than bad! 

and i'd really like people to reach out. i'm tired of reaching out. call this a cry for help or a cry for attention, call it whatever the hell you want. but if you care- do something about it and freakin prove yourself. because im slowing becoming done with you.

actually, i think i've already become done with you. if your picture's not on my wall... chances are your dead to me. and if i've taken your picture off my wall, then yeah... you ARE the weakest link. goodbye.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

demons sure do come out at night...

i know it's been a while, and i had planned on writing about california, and i will. i have it all on paper, i just need to upload it, i've just been really, really sick- physically and emotionally.

when i got back from california, i was on bedrest for two weeks. TWO MOTHERTRUCKING WEEKS. seriously. talk about major sucktasticness! my goodness. and let me tell you what that did for my mental health, a whole lotta NOTHING! especially because my new soulsister was on the other side of the flipping country. yeah. the person who understood what i was going through, physically and emotionally- lives forever away... NO BUENO!

so... anyway... when i'm physically ill, that seems to be when i'm under attack the most. i feel my lowest. the darkness likes to take over. my heart sinks. it just keeps breaking. anything and everything hurts. the fearies seem to have disappeared. i know i need to do something to welcome them back, and i will. i miss them. whatever, think im a nutbag, i really don't care. you have your beliefs, and i have mine. but i hurt. and i just want to cry...

tonight, as im washing the dishes, everythihng that had hurt me in the past just seemed to have come up. and im not talking dbag anthony stuff. because that's been dealt with. and, really, i could probably not even say dbag in front of his name anymore. that's done and over with, and i don't hurt anymore. i really feel NOTHING and it's a beautiful thing. but, i was washing dishes and got ANGRY at chris for trying to keep my meds from me. yes, he did that. he felt that i didn't need to have them back when we broke up. knight in shining armor right? his stepdad is the only reason i got them back. fucking piece of shit. seriously. he's a fucking scumbag and i really can't wait til karma gets him. or someone stomps on his hearing aids. because he is a complete fucking asshole. like, why would try and keep my medication from me? were you planning on taking my pills? were you going to inject yourself with my blood thinners? honestly, what good would that do you? that's the only thing that pisses me off. i don't care that it's over. the only reason we were together was because i had the whole 'someone needs to love a sick girl' mentality. did i love him? no. was the sex good? oh god no. it didn't last long. and it was just BAD. he was a good kisser. and when he was around, we were good friends. ill give him that. he was a really good friend, a good listener. which is why i tried to convince him from the beginning we should only be friends, but no. he wanted more so i tried. but anyway, WHY withold my meds when you of all people know what that's like? i don't know why that came to me when i was washing dishes but it really pissed me off.
and another thing he always used to throw in my face- the fact that i was gonna get better and leave. or that i would go to the movies. like, grow up. im independent, always have been. i never relied on anyone. that's just not my thing. im not the upyourassallthetimeclingybitchassneedamantosurvive kinda girl. jump off my vagina you fucking prick. seriously. im sorry you were breastfed until you were 18. that's not my fault. like really. get a life.

and then im washing dishes and ROB pops into my head. all the fucked up things he did- the choking, the trying to break my ankles, the throwing me over the tables, the telling me my headaches weren't real, stealing my money, the naked pictures of his exes on his cellphone, all the crap he put me through...

it's like when i get as sick as i am right now... all the bad comes to surface.

and it's weird. if you're wondering what kind of sick i'm talking about, i'm talking about puktastic sick. my acid reflux is kicking in wayyyy harsh. like, making it difficult to sleep harsh. water is repeating on me, it's difficult to do anything. everything burns. dairy seems to help, but i'm lactose intolerant so that's a bag of fun. but it's strange, when i get the acid reflux, the past repeats on me... it's kinda nutty, kinda crazy... but it's true.

so i'm trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. and i'm not sure how to do it. i think i'm going to smudge my room, maybe smudge the house. for those of you that don't know what smudging is, it's when you take a stick of sage, or a bowl full and use a feather, and blow it around the house, asking Spirit, God, the angels, archangels, Orishas, whatever you believe, to cleanse your home and yourself of negativity and negative energy. I also plan on lighting my black candle to ground the negativity, kill it. I forgot there was a full moon this weekend so maybe I need to reenergize my crystals...

Blah. I really don't like this whole being sick thing!

BUT... I am looking forward to October, and I never ever look forward to this month. I used to, because it's my birthday month but... then everyone started dying... the suicides, Al's death... it just became a month I wanted to get through, and now? Now I'm excited. Huey has the lead in Sherlock, Jen's getting married, it's a BTF weekend,  I have my birthday, Ivory has her birthday, we're supposed to go see RHPS at the Sherman, Halloween... I think it's going to be a kickass month, I really do :) I'm just going to keep moving forward and keep training...

Training? Oh right. The NBTS 5k is November 4th. We're going as the Cushings Crusaders. At least me, Christine and Laura are. Mike says he is, too. I have to repost the link. I have people telling me they want to walk with us but,.. the clock is ticking and I'm not going to be up people's asses. You wanna do it? Great. But don't expect me do remind you every day. It's not my job. I'm not your mother. That's not how this works.

I'm in rare form tonight. Thank God "Once Upon A Time" comes back on. I'm lacking my fairy tales. lol

I've been finding it harder and harder to come out of the darkness. It's been pulling me under, I've been sinking. I don't know if it's the cushings, that I've been sick, or that there's been so much bad going on all around me. Maybe it's a combination. I really need to go back to therapy, and I have absolutely no problem admitting that. I love my shrink, she's amazing. But when I'm this sick, I can't get there. I can't physically get there, which sucks big ol' monkey balls.

I've been telling people how I feel, though. I think that might be part of it. Instead of holding it all in, and letting myself tell those who have hurt me know... but really... I've only talked to one person. Maybe it's because I only really cared to save that one relationship. The other people who have hurt me, I'm kinda just like... go fuck yourself. But this other relationship, I kinda don't want to live without it. hmm... but, as the other's go, I'll put on my brass bra and talk to them, if it's that big of a deal.

Demons... need to be slaughtered, not played with.

There's a reason I'm called the CushieQueen. I run this shit. I don't back down. I look good in my crown.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

fall in love with the person in the mirror.

dios mio...

maybe it's just me. and maybe im just having an episode. or maybe im just on edge. or maybe im just... just. today. but really?



double chins? so what! who cares if you have hair in the wrong places, or you don't have hair. maybe you have scars, or have funky birth marks, or are overweight or are underweight. maybe you don't fit the mold of what society says is beautiful, but you are...

i really wish everyone could fall in love with who they see in the mirror. i really do. it's taken me a few years... ok, more than a few. let's say, 6 or 7 or 8. to fall back in love with myself. but i did it. and it's well worth it. yeah, i have days where i look at myself and am like, blech. BUT, that's why im glad i FINALLY listened to the advice of my beloved friends and did the affirmation things. i was told to tell myself positive things about myself every day. well, who really wants to do that? so, i took it a step further so i had NO CHOICE. go big or go home, right?

i see these every day. so i have NO CHOICE but to see positive things about myself. i didn't come up with all of these by myself, either. i asked my friends. i said, so, what do you like best about me. why not? who better to ask then the people who love you the most? and they gave me some really awesome answers. one of my favorites came from my cousin: "one of the things i love most about you is the fact that you can walk into any room and change it. you just bring it to life." i loved that. and then my friend: "i haven't known you very long, but one of the things i love about you is that you can make anyone feel welcome and loved. you did that for me and you do that for everyone you meet". and people who've read my poster saw that and agreed. so, asking them was actually quite beneficial for me because it made me feel good. i came up with alot of it on my own, though. i had to. i needed to think of what i liked most about myself. and i did. i like alot about myself. and i also wrote down things that i wanted to like about myself. the whole "i have a beautiful body" thing... that came from a boy i know. he also came up with the whole, "you're sexy, you have the most kissable lips" that sent my cheeks bright red but... hey. i'll take it. i kinda thought that asking him would give me some good ones... but nothing like that!

i encourage you to fall in love with yourself. we live in a society that encourages us to point out the bad in ourselves, and in others. but why? why do we just keep hurting ourselves? why do we get joy out of hurting others? it just doesn't make sense to me. and we do it all.the.time! we need to stop.

everyone's always sayin no negativity blah blah blah. and yet... that's all you people do! no drama... and yet, you're the one's creating it! WELL FUCKING CUT THAT SHIT OUT ALREADY! cheese and rice, man. do you know how much better your life will be when you start to breathe and just be happy with yourself and stop ripping other people apart? that's not what it's all about. and stop ripping yourself apart. tell the negativity committee to take a seat. they're not meeting today.

really. you're beautiful. and stop looking for bad things to happen. look for good things to happen. because they're going to. if things are going really good, don't say "great. now something bad is gonna happen". say, "what else awesome is gonna come my way?" when you change your thought pattern, you'll in for some good surprises. trust me. i'm experiencing daily.

when i say cushings is one of the best things that's ever happened to me- i'm not kidding. i've gotten rid of most of the bad people in my life. i'm doing it daily. i'm working on getting rid of my bad habits. i'm loving life more. i'm being more positive. i'm making positive changes. i'm loving myself more. i'm appreciating myself more. i'm taking a stand for what i believe and not allowing others to talk me out of it. i don't tolerate being talked down to. i don't tolerate being treated like garbage. don't like me? bye. i won't sit here and cry. if you don't want to be a part of my life, there's the door. and that's ok. it's quality, not quantity. i don't care if you've been my 'friend' for 10 years or 10 minutes. hell, i don't care if you're my family. buh-bye. i don't preach hate, either. and i won't listen to it. there are just some things that need to be done. and i care about my health. and if my not doing something with you or going out or whatever because i'm sick upsets you, then you can jump off it, because i'm not going to jeopardize my health for anyone anymore. it's crap. so... yeah.

anyway, fall in love with yourself. the more you love yourself, the more your inner light will shine. and the more your light shines, the brighter the world around you becomes :)

Pituitary Bill of Rights

I don't know who wrote this, but I saw this in one of my support groups:



As a patient afflicted with a chronic, often lifelong disease, I wish to affirm the following:

I did not bring this disease upon myself through any form of omission or commission.

I know, however, that my illness and its many symptoms and manifestations are poorly understood, and often imperfectly treated, with results that are unacceptable in any medically civilized society.

I affirm that I am a valuable human being: to myself, my family and the society in which I live and work. My right to proper diagnosis, care and management shall be second to none.

Either I or my fellow patients may have our lives and the length and quality of life at constant risk.

I cannot allow my rights as a member of society to be trampled on. I realize that it is not currently politically popular to give me my fair share of quality medical care, research, education, and mental, moral, psychological or societal care.

For these and other reasons and on behalf of myself, my loved ones, my family, and my fellow patients, I claim the following:

Our Rights

Pituitary diseases, tumors and the resultant hormonal imbalances shall be recognized as a serious, major public health problem afflicting a large segment of the world's population.

The financial and intellectual resources of my government and our public and private health services shall be as fairly allocated to me and my disorder as they are to any other life-threatening and life-altering disease.

I have a right to an early and appropriate diagnosis, treatment, care and medical intervention by the experts in these fields of medicine. I have an inalienable right to be told of - and allowed to use, whenever possible, any and all medications and treatment methods past, present or future -which will complete or assist in my healing.

Upon completion of any medical evaluation, treatment and care, I am entitled to the emotional and psychological care afforded anyone else with psycho-socially affective disorders.

I reaffirm my right to be treated completely so I may reclaim my place in society and my family as a fully functioning and contributing member.

I shall not be discriminated against in my workplace or any other part of society because of my physical, mental or emotional state.

There shall not be any financial, insurance, job, or promotional stigma attached to my diseases discovery, medical care or emotional recovery. My future life shall only be limited by conditions not under man's ability to rectify.

My family and coworkers have a right to be informed and counseled about my illness and Its many manifestations. In order for them to understand and accept the temporary limitation to my job performance and my family obligations, they must if possible, become part of my healing environment.

I reaffirm to the world: I am a valuable member of the society and family of man. My life is too valuable to waste. It is too costly to society and too detrimental to my family to allow me to merely exist at their sufferance and largesse.

I have the right to be believed! Just because a physician has not yet heard of, or seen, my symptoms before, does not mean they are not real and deserving of medical care and further investigation.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

nails in my coffin


another one bites the dust...

too soon? not soon enough?

seriously. i'm glad i'm as strong as i am, otherwise... i'd have been dead a long time ago. and it wouldn't have been from the doctor's mistake. it wouldn't have been from the disease i'm fighting. it'd be your fault.

oh yeah. definitely YOUR FAULT. and that's what i'd put in my suicide note. i would. i would single you out by NAME. you think i wouldn't want you to feel what you made me feel? how LOW you made me feel? ha. i'd have the envelopes fucking signed, sealed and delivered baby. maybe with some pictures, so you could remember how good i was to you. how i was always there when YOU needed me. how i'd bend over motherfucking backward for you. how it was always, nicci i need this. nicci, can you do that? nicci blahfuckingblah. but then it's, niccis sick. so niccis life sucks. nicci has no boyfriend so lets ignore her. nicci has no money so let's drop her like a bad habit. niccis headaches aren't real. niccis faking. nicci can't handle life anymore. nicci just sits around and thinks about how everyones moving on without her. nicci isn't worth our time. blah freaking blah.

newsflash... i'm pretty freaking amazing and YOU are the ones missing out. and... my life DOESN'T suck. and i DON'T sit around thinking about how everyone's moving on without me. because honestly, i'm enjoying my time with the one's who are a part of my life. the one's who aren't, well, sucks to be them. i'm single, and that's aok with me! i don't NEED to have a boyfriend to have a good time. and the 'friends' who got married and dropped me bc i can't hang bc they're married with children, you can fuck off. bc guess what? i have friends who are married with children, and we spend oodles of time together. that doesn't change friendships. so apparently, you missed that memo. and apparently, i never really meant that much to you to begin with. and that's fine. and i should have known that to begin with because i had to be the one to check in with you. and that's cool. i know where i stand.

there were the friends who are im here for you, im not going anywhere. yatta yatta yatta. and as soon as they're in a new relationship, it's like i'm invisible. but, it was like that before i got sick, so i guess i should have expected that. so, i decided to say, screw it. i don't make time for them either. do i have time? sure. am i going to try? nope. why should i bother? it's not worth it to me. not worth it at all. i was here before he was. and apparently he's more important than i was. it doesn't matter that i'd run for you, hold your hand. i don't have a penis, so i don't mean anything. and that's fine. so... i'm done trying.

and then there's the one who i'm around when it's convenient. and this convenience store is closed. forget it. i'm not walking that street by myself anymore. i could very well be hurting myself by putting that to the test, but im going to. and if things work out the way i forsee it working out, then i know what i have to do. it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but it's what needs to happen. and sometimes, cords need to be cut. i need to take care of ME.

there were the coworkers of mine who didn't believe me. thought i was faking my headaches and my sickness. so i could call out. right. is this real enough for ya? and then tellin me i was crazy. right. oh, and then that i was depressed. well no shit, sherlock. why don't you fucking look up cushings disease. do some fucking research. how bout that? how bout you have your head hacked into. let them take your pituitary gland, you do know what that does, right? controls your hormones? and then they can't put you on a replacement because of your blood disorder. please, tell me how easily that is going to be to deal with right away. right. you're all on meds anyway because YOU can't deal with life... please. again, inform me how much i suck at life. please... want me to give you the hammer? oh wait. you already tried to nail my coffin... but notice how im not in there...

there are family members who go on and on and ON about how wonderful i am and how im always there for them but... where are you when i need you? you can talk a good game but... you're never around for me. and that's fine. go on, talk about how shittastic my life is, but i got news for you... it's not shittastic. it's amazing. just because i'm sick, doesn't mean i don't shine. and that i'm not destined for greatness, because i am. just watch. i'm a phoenix baby.

and then there were the doucheydoos i dated. but notice how they didn't even last. and they all tried to come back once they heard i was doing well... and notice... they're not here. wait, who was strong? who said not? oh right ME. that's right. i have something called self-respect. i'm not going to be with someone just to be with someone. even new guys. i have standards. i have self-respect. so i say NO. i'm not going to just spread my legs to anyone either. im not a slut. sorry. not gonna nail that either. haha. pun intended.

and then there are the rest of you. oh im here for you. fuck yourself. you are not.

and then there's the, oh im so sad. my friend has a brain tumor. no you're not. and if you're not a complete waste of life, you'd know that i don't anymore. fucking dumbass.

so do me a favor, if you're not in my circle, stay out of my life. i'm enjoying the fact that you're gone. you've done me a favor walking away from me. i hold no grudges, no hatred, no nothing. yeah, this sounds like an angry blog, but it's not. i just tell it like it is. when have i ever sugarcoated shit? ok, so before cushings, maybe i sugarcoated before. but now? fuck it. and fuck you :)

so many of you would have suicide letters. and that's pretty sad. especially when we all had, or so i thought... had meant so much to one another. it seems like the word 'friends' and 'forever' doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. which kind of brings a tear to my eye. but, i do like the circle i can count on. because they're amazing. and im glad there's no funeral for them to attend. i really am.

the reason for this blog? one of the guys in my brain tumor group killed himself. he couldn't take it anymore. his family and friends had made his life a living hell, not like what he was dealing with didn't hurt enough, nono, they really gave it to him and made his life harder to deal with. so seriously, before you say something to me, or about me... or about someone with a disability... think about how your words are affecting them. you could be ending someones life.

Friday, August 17, 2012


just... wow!

there must be some craziness going on in the universe this week... people are either completely cracked or completely wonderful... or life is just beautiful!

i've had an outpouring of stupidity and love in my life this past week. the day i went to the dentist, wednesday  i believe it was. i was a wreck. it was just a bad cushie day. i didnt feel good. i was depressed. i was mad. i was crying. i was just angry at the world, and certain people. and feeling let down. so anyway, i get there, and i decide to question the dentist. i say, why didnt you tell me i had a mass on my jaw? why didnt you tell me i needed to see an oral surgeon to get a scraping to see if i had cancer? he said, where did you get that from? i would have told you if i saw something. i told him, the hygienst told me that the last time i was here. he said, another hygeinst playing doctor. he apologized for her behavior and said that he would have told me that if there was something there he would have said something to me. bring on the water works. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!? he told me i was fine, but since i had something in my head for so long, that i should get a second opinion just to calm my nerves.
so we went through the fillings process. apparently i had been in so much pain bc the cavity was so deep it was almost touching my nerve, so bring on the novacane.

i ended up NOT going to karaoke that night bc of the amount of pain i was in. and i was miserable. and then, i was talking to a friend of mine, who said, heck with going to the bar tonight, want me to come over... really? who does that? i dont think any of my friends have ever volunteered to do that... ever. ive had people say theyd spend time with me before or after... but never skip it completely. ive always been second fiddle. always. and that... really touched my heart. i turned down the offer. i felt like crap and wanted to go to bed. but i was really touched.

and i did have oodles of people checking on me.
and i did have some quality bdwag chat time, which we havent had in a long time
and i even made plans to have lunch with noah bc i had my philly day on thursday...
we didnt get to have lunch, of course. because... well... philly doctors have no concept of time! it's all good though. another day

did find out im still tumor free! it hasnt grown back! what a relief! was i having anxiety attacks? oh yes i was!

and then some guy tried to pick me up. that was... flattering and weird and gross at the same time. haha. apparently i have the cushiegirl swagg. thats what im calling it anyway.

but we did see sunflowers after we got the news. yay grandpa!


and what else... then ivory came over and that always makes me happy

oh and the lawyer called and apparently social security has all my stuff so i get to go bug them next week

and today is mixtape with wifey! kelly clarkson, nkotb, dj pauly d, the fray, carolina liar, aaron carter... woohoo! what a way to celebrate!

and lissas cd came out this week, and its absolutely fabulous!

and ive had lots of faerie visits

and my drawing is improving

and i won a reading, that i forgot i entered

and my nail design is improving

and... just... wowza!

what a great couple of days i tell ya!!


people really need to start focusing on what they have and not what they dont, im sayin, things are alot better that way. i may not have all my sight or all my health, but what i do have is pretty amazing. and the people who have left my life have made it better. i dont care for the people who keep letting me down. buh bye. its nice cutting those chords. inner peace is a beautiful thing. smiling for real, not smiling to please other people or to make people think im ok is wonderful. being honest with myself is wonderful, ask me how im doing, and i will tell you. the word fine is not really in my vocabulary. so dont ask me unless you really want to know. i dont sugarcoat :)

be blessed!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

wrong much?

it seems like everything i do is wrong.
every fucking thing.

i cant help that im still fucking sick. i didnt ask for any of this to happen. sometimes i think people think i like the fact that im sick. i like the fact that i cant work. i like the fact that im sitting here doing NOTHING because i fucking cant. im sitting here, typing this trying not to fucking cry. oh, because everything is peaches and fucking cream, right? right.

fuck you. seriously. fu uh uhhhhhhhhk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

i try my damnedest to stay positive and cheery. and i do. because im blessed. i have a good fucking life. i have a lot to be thankful for.


im so fucking sick of everyones negativity!

you dont like my hair? suck my nonexistant dick

you dont like the way i look? fuck you.

dont like the way i drive? dont ride with me. walk.

dont like me? then go. there's the fucking door.

im tired of people trying to make me feel like shit for who i am and what im dealing with. as if my life isnt hard enough!? do you have ANY idea what its like to be me? any clue? reading about cushings isnt LIVING with it. i dont fucking care if you're JESUS. you have NO IDEA what it's like. i don't even think GOD fully understands it. that's right. i said it. put me in a room with HIM. ill call him out. i dont think he gets it.

i dont know that people are TRYING to make me feel bad, but they are succeeding! i dont have money. i know this. but must you remind me every single day? why do you think im alone all the time? i try and go out on my own, but its hard because everything requires money. EVERYTHING!!!
cant go to the movies bc i have to pay for a ticket.
i CAN go to karaoke bc i only drink water :) and my group that i go with, if i want a drink, they take care of me, which is nice.
i do have a good group of friends. i dont ask to go places. i dont ask anyone to buy me anything. i dont NEED anything. i really dont. i just like to be in good company. i enjoy laughter. and dancing. i love love LOVE to dance. and we found a great place to go dancing that has NO cover. and we pretty much all drink water, which is FREE anyway... <3

so... while i get made to feel like garbage because i dont bring in any money, and some people dont want to spend time with me because i dont have any money and cant do the things that they like to do...

i have amazing people around me who don't care that i have nothing. because i have me. i have a heart of gold. i have laughter. i have a smile. i have me. and that's enough for them. and that's enough for me, too. because ya know what? i AM enough. and that's a beautiful thing.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I needed this

I needed cushings.
I did. I needed to get sick. I needed this brain tumor. I needed it, like I needed a hole in the head. haha. yes, pun intended.

Prior to hearing, 'this could kill you, if you don't have the surgery' (which I heard 2 years ago, 2 days from now) I was on a path of self-destruction. I was in a horrible relationship that, let's face it, you all know it, wasn't going anywhere. When it began, there was love and romance and fun. When it ended? It was just... there. Something. Alcohol. Sex. A person who looked good in pictures with me. Someone who'd do things I wanted to do. He'd go to six flags, dorney park, the bar, dancing, drink, the movies, do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Was he there for me? no. did he suck at life? yup. But, I loved his family. I loved his religion. I met some wonderful people through him, had some amazing adventures but... I stopped caring about myself, put him before me, his family before me and my own. Didn't care who I hurt.

I was drinking. Alot. Hell, I was doing that before I met him. College, I drank through college. Drank through Rob. He was awful, too. I let him control me. I started to lose who I was. I didn't like who I was becoming. I tried to drown myself when I was with him. I let him beat me. I learned to hit back, though. Almost broke his nose. You should've seen the amount of blood on the kitchen floor of our first apartment... I don't know why I stayed... I think I had a point to prove. That I could change him? That I could fix things? That I could make it work? That he wasn't a monster? I don't know... But I got out.

My job... *sigh* I loved where I worked but... they were awful. You were. and if you're reading this, know you broke me. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME. so thank you for that. for showing me that i was replaceable and that, well, i didn't matter there. I used to go to work with a smile on my face. I LOVED going in knowing I was going to change the world. Hell, I AM changing the world. I have references. But... I let the girls I worked with, my 'friends' tell me different. I let their words make me feel less than a person. I only almost died... so why not? Why not feel like I would be better off dead, right?

I was dating bad people. Drinking alot. Making poor life decisions. I was becoming cold hearted. I was turning into an ice queen. Fuck love. Yes, Anthony was horrible to me, but... it went both ways. Betcha didn't know that, didja? I was a BITCH to him some days. Did he deserve it? of course. but not all the time. Did my job taint me? you betcha! I started to believe that there was NO good in the world. that all people were bad. that love didn't exist. why the hell should i believe that people were good when my coworkers turned against me when i would have gone above and beyond for them? oh wait, i did. even while i was in the hospital, i was still trying to cheer them up. i did that for 'friends' too...

Speaking of 'friends'... I was spending time with the wrong people, I'm afraid. I was holding onto relationships with people, who... well... didn't really give a rats behind about me. I was the one making the effort with people. I was the one making the calls, sending the text messages, trying to maintain friendships, even while I was in the hospital, or out, after surgery 1, 2 and 3... and now... where are they now? I don't see them. Don't hear from them... I was trying to hold onto things that weren't there, weren't real. Things that were figments of my imagination I suppose... People who wanted to be around me when it was beneficial for them, when it was convenient for them... but this convenience store is closed.

And money... did I know how to SPEND SPEND SPEND!!! I have a nice wardrobe, jewelry collection... My motto... I'd rather be poor and pretty than rich and ugly! I worked two jobs because I had an expensive lifestyle. But... you can't take your money with you when you die, so you might as well enjoy it now, right?

Drama... oh boy! Did I feed into drama! I used to say, save the drama for your mama, but I loved listening to it. being a part of it. hell, it was like high school all over again! I loved it. My life was like a freaking soap opera, anyone who's been around me knows that. Or, if you had drama, you came to me with your issues asking my advice...

I needed to 'fall in love' with douchebags to see what I DON'T want. Chris? yeah. he's gay. I was his 'beard'. And for those of you who don't know what that is, I was his cover until he could come to terms with his sexuality. And I needed to feel like someone could love a sick girl. When he proposed, my instinct was to say no, but I said, sure. I didn't say YES. I didn't cry. Didn't jump for joy. I said, sure. Inside, I was saying no. But, there was me people pleasing because I didn't want to let people down.

I was also kind of vain, too... But, I think that came from feeling so ugly growing up. Being picked on as much as I was. And then I was ripped to shreds again and had no self-esteem because I was with the boys who liked to tear me apart, so in turn, I ripped them apart. I started to tear people down. You make me feel like shit, rest assured, what goes around comes around and I WILL point out your flaws just as sure as your pointing out mine.

and mean. bitch much? yes. i could tear your EYES out with my claws aka my words. hot DAMN! i was terrible. not always intentional. but i would go toe-to-toe with you. id love to engage in an argument, especially if i felt i was being attacked... my words are my weapons...

I needed cushings. I needed to get sick to get me off of my path of self-destruction. This journey that I'm on is teaching me to love myself again. To get to know myself. To be happy with myself. I don't need alcohol to escape my problems, to escape reality, to deal with life. I need to deal with them head on. So that's what I'm doing.
Sex isn't a good coping skill either, unless you're in a MEANINGFUL relationship... even then, I don't know that it's the best idea. You can't use people either. Not such a brilliant idea...

When your soul has turned ugly, you feel ugly...

I needed to get sick. I needed a wake up call. This wasn't a punishment. But it's what I needed to turn my life around.

I'm not sad about what happened anymore. Do I have bad days? of course. who doesn't? Do I randomly have crying spells? Yes, yes I do. I also have a disease where I have no hormones. But, I'm not sad. Please believe me. This isn't an act. at all. I'm happy. I am. What reason do I have to be sad? I've let it all go, I really have.

I'm not angry either. I'm not mad at the doctor for making me blind. I'm not mad at the people who've let me down. I'm not mad at Anthony or Chris. When I hear their names, do you know what I feel? NOTHING. Not anger, not sadness, I don't miss them... I feel NOTHING. I don't wish ill on anyone.

Some say I sit around questioning why all this happened to me, I don't. I needed a wake up call, and that's what I got. I'm moving on and I'm healing. And that's that.

I don't deal with negativity, or fighting, or arguing or bad situations. Not because of my disease, but because I don't want to. Blame it on my disease if you want, say I can't handle the stress. That's fine. But, I CHOOSE NOT TO engage it that kind of behavior. I CHOOSE NOT to allow it to influence me. I CHOOSE to rise above and stay calm. So yes, blame it on the cushings, because it's taught me patience and how to remain calm in a stressful, painful situation. I'm staying away from the drama.

I'm not going to use hurtful words anymore. Or at least I'm trying not to. Everyone slips up, I'm not a saint, we all sin. It's going to happen, but I'm going to try. I want to live a life that's filled with peace, serenity, happiness. One filled with strength, courage and love. Not hate, negativity and stress.

I needed to get sick to get away from my job. CYS is stressful, and angry and bitter and mean and awful. I was crying before I got sick. They questioned my headaches. After my first surgery they made me feel like garbage coming back. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Did I change lives? yes. Am I going to continue to change lives? Yes. But I will not be made to feel like I'm anything less than extraordinary. I won't be made to feel like I don't matter. I will not dread my job. I will love it. Who knows? Maybe I'm destined to be a makeup artist. Or angel readings. Or both. Or party planning. Or a personal shopper. Or retail. Or opening a nail salon. Who knows. Or maybe I will go back to school and get a degree in psychology. I don't know, but I'll still change lives and won't feel awful about it, that's for damn sure.

I needed to get sick to realize my self worth. I am beautiful. I am a amazing. I am funny. I am strong. I am courageous. I am inspirational. I am a hero. I don't need to be any of those things for anyone BUT MYSELF. I can overcome anything that stands in my way. WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. Not for you, but for me. I have a beautiful life ahead of me, and I needed to get sick to realize that. There is no time limit, no time frame, no certain life that I'm supposed to live. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of myself. I'm free to be me, and it's about time I start being true to myself.

I needed to get sick to see who matters and who doesn't. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. Getting sick helped me to weed out the people who weren't really my friends at all. The people who were only around because I could do something for them, and then left me high and dry when I needed them. The people who took and took from me... but that's ok. They're gone now, and I'm ok. Really, I'm ok. And the people who are by my side... are incredible. And I don't think I could ask for a better support system.

I needed to get sick to prioritize my spending habits. I REALLY learned how to stretch my money! And I'll be stretching it even more now that they cut assistance! hot dayum! There are more important things in life than material possessions. I always knew that, but... I've been forced to really stop and smell the roses. Even though I always liked to find free things to do, because, well, like my grandfather, I was cheap and would rather lay out in a field watching the clouds roll by than spend money :) I think using your imagination is more fun. But, by not having money, it helped me find out who my friends were too... how? well... real friends don't care if your bank account is $0. they'll either 1. take you with them anyway, or 2. lay in the field with you :)

see? I needed to get sick. It put me back on the right track. And I'm ok with being sick. I really am. Yes, I'm going to have my bad days, but I'm at peace with it. Trust me on that one. And maybe... just maybe, you needed me to get sick, too. No, I'm not saying that you WANTED me to get sick. I'm saying, maybe you needed to see my struggle, watch me climb out of the shadows, watch me fight this, to see that you don't have it that bad at all. Take a looking glass to your own life and say, hmm... what can I do to better my life today?

As for the loss of sight thing, I'm still not 100% about why that happened, but... I still only see 1/2 the ugly in the world :)  But... I do think that losing my sight has raised my spiritual awareness and my third eye :) if you don't know what that is, look it up. I'm tired.

But really, I am happy. And I'm blessed.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Or that I'm faking. Because I'm not. And don't say I don't know what I'm talking about. You don't live with me. You're not living my life. You're not me. You don't have this disease. All the research in the world doesn't make you an expert. So please, stop.

oh, and if I hadn't gotten sick... I wouldn't have met the Cushing's Support Group I have on facebook, which led me to Maya and Stevie- and they're two of the most incredible women I've ever met. And then I wouldn't have my Jason, whom I adore. Those three? My hearts <3

And then there's also my restored faith in the medical community. I have an amazing team of doctors working for and with me. I've learned to advocate for myself, and to not settle for answers that I don't agree with. YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE. always question, get second opinions, hell, get third and fourth opinions if you're not satisfied. it's just what needs to be done.

if i hadn't gotten sick, i wouldn't have met hanson, and that alone was well worth it ;) a kiss on the cheek from taylor, and him whispering in my ear, im glad you're alive? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OH HELLZ YES!!

and then, there's the beautiful 'Nicole's Song' that was written by Lissa Khranke <3 that melts my heart every time I hear it.

like I said... I needed it to get sick. So Cushings? Thank you. For the life lessons you're teaching me, every day.