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Thursday, November 8, 2012

a little sugar, a little spice

well... it's been a while, hasn't it? ALOT has been going on, and then maybe alot hasn't been going on...

it's been up and down and all around here...

i posted a little about my breakdown in my last blog, but i didn't make it really public, or, moreso, didn't post much about it, just that i had a breakdown. October 10th.full on breakdown. Now, I don't know if it was a nervous breakdown, or what you want to call it, but everything came to surface. Everything had been coming. Things had been getting bad. I'm just really good at keeping it all inside... I was like a tea kettle, or a volcano, and it was time for me to errupt... and errupt I did.

I'm blessed though, I was really taken care of that night, and for the weeks to follow...

But let's talk about this breakdown, shall we?

You all know I'm fighting cushings, which every day in itself is a battle and I think I've come to handle it quiet well. I'm not medicated to deal with the emotional aspect of it, which is changing today, as my neurologist so lovingly put it, he can't have his sunshine going dark :) I try to stay positive as best I can. I had some pretty rough things to deal with, family hurts. People telling me that my life sucks, that my friends are moving on and leaving me in the dust... and I guess I had starting to believe that. But really? That's not true. Those same friends that I was being told were going to leave me? Were the ones who were saving me that night. (I've come to these realizations POSTBREAKDOWN MIND YOU)

So breakdown, right. I was on bedrest for most of September and I felt neglected. I was stuck at home. I couldn't go anywhere, I could hardly walk. I was doped up most of the time and in excrutiating pain. I felt alone...

And before that, there was a bunch of hurtful stuff that happened in July/August that I don't even want to BEGIN to talk about because it just turns my stomach and makes my eyes water because these are the people who were never supposed to break my heart. Oh wait, but I'm Nicole, he'd never hit me right? He didn't hit me, but it doesn't mean I'd ever trust him again. Or that I like him. Or that I can even stomach the thought of him. Trust? Right. I've turned over a new leaf. Once you've broken my trust, that trust is DEAD. GONE. BYE BYE.

October's always a hard month for me. There were alot of deaths that month. And it was my birthday. I was just... not feelin it. I never do.

I just felt myself slipping. And I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't sad. I just felt hopeless. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to exist. I just felt... blah. I didn't want to be anymore. I felt like no one would care either way.

A close friend of mine had an abortion. I had one. But this one...I just couldn't handle it. And the pressure was on me to deal with it. To take her for the appointments. Which made me late to my doctors appointments. Which added more stress to my life. Which I can hardly handle.

And then there's the stress of day to day life. I don't work. I can't work. I miss working. I miss being a contributing member of society. Some days I feel like I'm just useless. What am I good for? What can I do? I give smiles and sunshine, and if I'm not giving smiles and sunshine, what good am I?

And then I have people telling me that I'm not good enough. That what I feel that I'm good at, I'm not. Or that they feel sorry for me. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't. I'm going to be ok. I'm just not ok.

When you ask me how I'm doing, and if I say, "I'm managing" or "I'm not ok" I AM NOT OK!!! listen to me, would ya?

One of the benefits of having a meltdown at that beautiful bar that I like to hangout at with my amazing friends, (and no, i don't drink) someone finally listened! as my wonderful friend put it, "you're always saving everyone else, maybe tonight you need to take your cape off and let someone save you".

i was there for a few hours. talking to people. hugging people. having people LISTEN TO ME. and not just, uh huh, yeah ok, listen. i mean, REALLY listen. and they are beautiful people. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

i talked about how scared i was that my dr wants to stop my cushings medication to see if radiation was successful, bc keto isn't something i need to be on for a while. i'm freaking out bc of the anxiety, the weight, the blowing up, the idk what could happen. and they all stepped up and offered to come to my house and sit with me.

after my breakdown? i had people sitting with me. taking time to be with me. spending a day with me. a few hours with me. talking with me. it's been good. i've always been the one to reach out to everyone, make the calls, make the plans, but it's hard for me now. and i feel like i shouldn't always be the one to do it. but i also think i need to do it, too.

idk. sugar and spice.

so... it's been 2 years, 2 months and 4 days since my first surgery and 3 days off the ketocanazole. i'm down 29 lbs so... that's good... i wish it were more but i'll take what i can get!




i took that picture before going to the psychiatrist today. not bad, right? :) starting to feel beautiful again, and trying not to let the negativity of others bring me down. and i'm totally in love with the hat my little brother got me for my birthday!

so, what else... my disability came through, praise God. it's nice to be able to help out my parents. but... since i no longer qualify for SSI... my MA has been suspended so, in dec that means i won't have health insurance? and the only reason i know that is because i called today to find out about whether or not i will have MA once medicare kicks in in january...

so then i call my insurance company, and THEY tell me that NO my insurance has NOT been suspended... so wth. i'm just a basket of confusion...


just one thing after another i suppose...

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