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Monday, January 30, 2012

no more sacrificing

Done. I'm done.

Why should I put my health at risk just to please people? I WANT to be able to do everything we used to do, but I can't. I'm still allergic to cats. Still allergic to cigarette smoke, just more.

I spent ALL DAY yesterday in bed. My head hurt like I had just had surgery. My chest felt like it was caving in and my throat felt like it was closing. It was the WORST I have felt in a very long time. I was on pain killers, on my nebulizer, sleeping, I couldn't even eat anything- which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. All I could do was sleep and cry and ice my head and keep the room dark and put my clothes far far away. I even sprayed my hair with downy wrinkle release bc of how smokey I was! Hell, when I blew my nose... it was black...

I can't do it anymore. And I won't. And if I'm offending people, too bad. I shouldn't put my health at risk just to make others feel good. It sucks that we can't spend time together because I can't be around smoke or cats. The rash I had was terrible. But... such is life.

I feel better today, so that's a good thing. Made some hair bows, lots of them actually. Lookin forward to superbowl sunday, not that i really care... but im spending time with awesome people. pizza, wings, ice cream cake... me n my girl might dip out and play board games while the boys act a fool. i do plan on rockin my uncles patriots jersey though...

im sleeping alot lately. either i cant stop sleeping, or i cant sleep. there's no happy medium. im meeting with the psychiatrist on wednesday, hopefully shell give me something that will help, and also help shut me up.

im just so sick of people. i kind of like this whole hermit thing. i mean, im doing well being out an about with others, and getting better at large groups of people, but its like... i just wanna scream at so many people. they're just... accepting way less than they deserve, or making poor judgements. but i guess, everyone gets to live the way they want. and they have to deal with the consequences of those decisions. im done giving my opinion. so if u ask for it, expect to get everything you didn't want to hear. because im not gonna sugarcoat. i never really have. its not my thing. but, i wont offer up any words unless im asked. itll save us both.

and im tired of attempting to maintain friendships, which ive said over and over again. but ive reached out. done random acts of kindness... and u seem to be a dick. im not here to feed your ego, so get over yourself.

annnnnnnnnnd......... im sure theres more but my rib hurts and im tired.

Friday, January 27, 2012

old reliable

i guess that's kind of become who i am, well really, who ive always been. it's like no matter how many times my friends or family hurt me... im going to be there. you could run me down with a truck, and ill still be there. you can abandon me for your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse and guess what? when u need a friend, ill still be there.

sometimes i wonder why i do that. but then i think... everyone needs someone to be there for them. everyone needs a friend, so im the friend that id like to have. the time to make friends isnt when u need them, you should make friends when you DONT need them, so that when you DO need them... they will be there.

the whole thing baffles me. but apparently, at this stage in life, it's normal to not have so many close friends and only have a few. but i always thought it was ride or die... friends forever... but then again, ive been wrong about alot lately. and i have a killer headache, so that doesnt make life any easier. i want to put my head through a wall because its so bad. oh well.

i dont know. there's so much on my mind that i cant seem to formulate it into the right kind of words. this past week alone ive been hurt beyond words by 'friends'. and it sucks. like... some people absolutely disgust me now, ive lost respect for others... but whatever. it happens, right? such is life.

crap. i lost what i was going to say. hmmm...
oh yeah. random acts of kindness...
that's what ive been doing and it's been quite successful. i do enjoy putting smiles on peoples faces. maybe it's selfish, and maybe i do do it, expecting something in return. that something? making someones day. seeing someones smile. i dont know, it makes me feel good. i like making other people happy, and maybe that's one of my downfalls. maybe thats why people take advantage of my heart and walk all over me, i dont want to say that im ok with that- with the being walked on and taken advantage of, but i AM ok with people knowing that i am that friend. i am that girl. i am the one who will be there. when the rest of the world walks out on u, ill be here.

now thats not to say once ive had enough i wont walk away. because i will. and i have. enough is enough. i can only be nice and be there for so long. i HAVE cut people out, and now these said people are coming to me because everyone has walked out on them. newsflash! i can only be slapped in the face so many times... and you've reached your limit. so goodbye.

hmm... i dont know. my heads spinning. i know things dont suck as bad as they could and that there are always rainbows. im just... idk.

i dont like being lied to. at all. it doesnt make me sad, and i dont know that it makes me angry. it makes me lose respect for you. because i respect you enough to tell you the truth, regardless if it hurts or not, but you cant have the same respect for me? seriously? suck it bitch.

and yes. id like to smash someones hearing aids. and id like to take my cane to the back of someone elses head. will i? no. but the visuals are thoroghly enjoyable.

do i live in a world where unicorns roam free and everyone is smiling? of course. but that's not reality. so i apologize for bursting ur bubble, that im not perfect. and im not happy all the time. it is what it is.

and please stop asking me if im getting my sight back. im kind of sick of it. and sick of saying no. if something changes, ill let u know. but as of right now? nothing is changing. so let it go

i did enjoy making people smile today <3 and the past few days. its nice to be appreciated.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

your pictures here... but you are not...

i did some decorating today, until my rib starting hurting, like alot. and i saw some pictures in frames... pictures of people who i thought i could never picture my life without, the friends who i thought would be here forever... and they're not. they're not dead... but they may as well could be...

i dont know what happened, but it is kind of heartbreaking. it's like... i dont know. there was a time in our lives where we were inseperable. when our friendship could conquer anything. when it was 'chicks before dicks' or 'hoes before bros'... when did that rule stop applying?

i guess i dont really have much to say about the topic... just that it's kinda sad...

hm. oh well.

and i went through some things and found a bag full of old notes from high school- old boyfriends, old friends, people i couldn't care less about.

apparently i made boys fall in love with me... found a lot of 'ill love you forever' from different blokes. lol. and the most recent ex... ha. i shoulda known he was gay back then. actually... we all kinda thought he was. he's either bangin some guy or his mom. or banging his mom and imagining some guy, or banging some guy and imagining his mom. seriously, i never saw a more creepy/.disgusting/scary relationship in my life... OR a more holier than thou shrine to a guy... who he claims he only liked his acting... yet said actor was shirtless... and then there was 'if i were gay id do some crazy things to that man'... what STRAIGHT guy talks like that?! haha. no. im not bitter, i just find it funny.... but i guess when you're lying to yourself (meaning me) and trying to pretend someone is who they're not... ya kinda disregard the red flags. oh well. not this time.

i have my ups and downs but i do have a rather good life. i feel like shit and this whole rib thing hurts like a bitch. only me, right? i can't break a rib, no no. i have to seperate the cartilage from the rib. dont know what that means? picture ribs, like the ones u eat. and ripping the meat off... yeah. that's my body right now. im also on a nebulizer now, to help with the breathing. because it still hurts. alot. but not all the time. i told the lady at the medical supply place that i was officially that geeky kid from hs: the canes, the glasses and now the nebulizer. she looked around and said, where is this geeky girl? all i see is beautiful. aww. im not sure how i feel about my neb. its really loud and kinda makes me dizzy. but it made the breathing easier so... idk

the emotions have been up and down. i cried alot the other day. im not even sure why.... it's just that every little thing that coujld upset me, did. everything that could go wrong, did. everyone who could piss me off , did.

i think i just need to start shutting people out. and shutting up. i just want to say :if you dont want my opinion, dont ask for it. and if u ask for it, dont get mad when i say something u dont want to hear. you're my friend/family/whatever. you know i tell it like it is. so get over it when i tell u how it is.

maybe ill just shut up. and stick to blogging.

and people need to get over their facebook drama. seriously. i have more couth than most of you bitches. if i have a problem with u, ill come to u. i wont come at u in a fb post. like seriously? grow the fuck up.

Friday, January 20, 2012

picture post since today we didnt get to picturize

before heading out- first night in cape may

mini skirts in december? yes please!
after a great night- straight up jersey style. uggs. pajama shorts. stunna shades and an oversized hoodie

rockin out in the laundromat

me and my chell bell
happy new year!

classic bathroom shot at the k of c

we throw gang signs like whoa- AC


inside of the tropicana, i looked up and was like, its so nice out, then remembered... we were inside
my superawesome mirror!

me and the collage i made for my cousin josh, that i mailed to him bc he said he was moving to MN, yeah... how bout an hour after i mailed the damn thing, he called me and said he was moving back to jersey bc he was homesick!!
exhausted after an awesome night out


these are old pics i found while going thru albums

 my 2nd birthday- mom me and grandpa

me and grandpa, 1984



me, annie and grandpa wayne (my dads dad. his real name is natale, but he lived in wayne... so thats what we called him)


just something i designed the other day. maybe for cushings awareness day on april 6th. i like it. one of the girls in my support group posted something about peeing on cushings, but i thought that was kinda gross. i like the elephant. and elephants never forget... so its kind of ironic lol



ha. this is what we were talking about today :)













Friday, January 13, 2012

yuck

you know what they say... you are the company you keep...

so disappointed. when you lie with dogs, ur gonna get fleas.

maybe thats judgemental. maybe i shouldn't think that way, but i do. and i see you change when you're with them. it's rather sad.

oh well. hope u dont lose yourself too much...

Thursday, January 12, 2012

call me crazy.. but i honestly dont care anymore

so... ive moved into my sisters bedroom, upstairs. it's safer. i dont need to go up and down the steps, it's closer to the bathroom, my meds, my parents... if i need help... im safer.

so ive been decorated. and moving things and i quite like the way things have turned out. maybe i should go into interior decorating? i still like the makeup artist idea though. in time...

but anyway... as im decorating, im looking at this mirror i have, and it says "see somethin you like?" i bought it because i thought it would help me feel better, because there are days i look at myself and hate myself. my look. my scars. my anxiety. my emotions... so this is what i chose to do:
i have a picture of myself, from a vacation down the shore. and that vacation there were no tears, no sadness, no fears... nothing but smiles and fun. so what did i do? i took that picture and i put it next to my mirror. when i look at myself, i wanna see THAT girl. i wanna remember THAT girl. the girl who had no fears, nothing but smiles to go around


i loved that day. me chell n g spent the day at the bay. taking pictures. laughing... just being carefree and loving life. g turned it into a complete photoshoot. and thats the vacation where i became cupcake and he became crabcake. it was wonderful. and that's who i wanna remember. that's the girl i wanna be. so im going to be her, even though it's going to be really hard somedays, i can't let this disease beat me. i can't keep being afraid.

and then i did this too...


ive come along way, and my journey hasnt been easy, so the days that i cant remember the good, that all i can see is bad and sad and angry, before i walk out my bedroom door i see these lyrics, followed by these pictures:

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found


Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway



some people may look at me like im full of myself, or crazy for doing what im doing. i say im remembering. im being brave. im being courage. im going to see that i can conquer fears. that's why im holding the snake. i broke out into hives when i saw it... then said eff it. and i held the damn thing. then i had my skull hacked into. then i had radiation. then i was a cat. whatever, its a cute picture. AND I LOOK HEALTHY. this is my way of reminding myself of how far ive come, and that i can keep going and that no matter what, i can dig deep inside and find courage and strength and a smile. because i can do it. i am doing it. im surviving. and i will continue to do so, with a damn smile on my face, no matter how much i dont want to. regardless of who's pissing me off or how angry im getting or whatever... i shall smile. and i will overcome. and i will fake it if i have to. but im gonna do it.

2012 is going to be a good year. i can feel it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

the thing i gave my dr.

A glimpse into the life of a Cushie Queen…

I was always the girl with the self-confidence, the big heart, the smile on her face, the one who would hold your hand when the world turned their back on you, or when your world was flipped upside down… And then it happened to me.

I had always been tall, and pretty and always had this hump on the back of my neck. I was used to being a bigger girl, I prided myself on my size 14/16 and my curves. I tried to make it ok for anyone who was larger, trying to convince them that big was beautiful and we needed to embrace our inner beauty and let that shine through, when we felt our outsides didn’t match… I’m still trying.

Back in high school, I always had messed up periods. I’d be in so much pain that I would miss school, but the doctors weren’t worried. They would just sign off on my excuses for missing school. I also had really bad migraines that would keep me out of school. But, if the doctors weren’t worried, why should I be?

I was always an emotional rollercoaster, the doctors chalked it up to me being a teenage girl and, ‘it happens’. I started seeing a therapist, but that didn’t do much of anything… Until I was out of college. My sister and I would go head-to-head and it was a horrible relationship. My mom signed us up for sibling counseling, it didn’t work for us, but I liked the counselor so I stayed.

I managed to get through community college, alright. I ended up having an abortion, as well as losing 3 friends to suicide (within weeks of one another), but I managed. I had a 2.9 GPA and a smile on my face. When I started at ESU (end of 2004) things started to change. It was gradual at first. In about 2006/2007 I started to gain weight, I chalked it up to the “Freshman 15”. So, I did what any normal girl would do- diet and exercise.  I was constantly walking, hiking, swimming, going to the gym and eating healthy. Then I got myself involved in an abusive relationship and working for Children and Youth. I was now a social worker as well as dealing with this other thing. The weight started to come on and the headaches became much worse. I had gone to the ER a few times for the headaches, but nothing was done, I was just given an IV drip. I had gained about 60lbs in 2 months time between 2007-2008. It was really upsetting, I could no longer fit into my skinny jeans, my self-esteem started to sink and I was still dieting and exercising! I eventually got up the courage to leave my relationship in January of 2008. I moved back home and was less stressed. My body started to go back to normal, and I was able to fit into some smaller clothing, still not what I wanted though. My self-esteem was building back up and everyone noticed a happier, less hormonal me. So, chalk it up to the abuse… right?

Well, 2008-2010 I was in an out of another relationship. I was always stressed, and noticing things I hadn’t before. My stomach was rounder. My face was really rounding out and I was stopping to look like me. So I’d go tanning, exercise more, diet more and dye my hair… still… something wasn’t right. My weight would fluxuate… and I would be a chubby monkey one day, and the next I was back to looking like me. What the heck was going on!? It wasn’t until 2010 that I started to really get scared. I walked out of Walmart one day and couldn’t remember where I parked, but that happens to everyone, right? So, another night, me and the boyfriend we IN walmart and I couldn’t remember where we were.
“Where are we?”
“Walmart”
“How did we get here?”
“You drove us”
“How? My car broke down”
“You bought a new one last week. Babe, are you ok?”
Needless to say he drove us home that night. But that wasn’t the first time I had forgotten where we were. We went to a concert and I sat at a stop sign waiting for it to turn red, we both laughed, but neither of us knew how bad it was. Then the black outs started. I’d forget where we were. I’d forget what I was doing, I’d snap for no reason… and then in June I fell down the steps and broke my foot… not quite sure how I fell. The hospital said it was a sprain, it wasn’t diagnosed a break until a few weeks later. Then in July I had severe pain in my legs, and my foot drs secretary blamed it on a Charlie horse. After a week someone finally listened to me and in July they took the cast off… Guess who has blood clots in her leg? Awesome. So then I’m told if I have chest pain to go to the ER. I have chronic chest pain, so… the next day, after I shaved and gave myself a pedicure (have to be pretty in the hospital), off to the ER we went. I was admitted for 55 days because I had blood clots in my lungs. So, after a week of bad food, good friends visiting and making friends with the nurses, I was cleared to go home… I couldn’t go back to work though, MY dr was on vacation. So I’m on cumadin and getting terrible headaches. I get rushed to the doctors because they wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding in my brain. Ok, so off we go for an MRI… guess what I have?
“well, you’re not bleeding in your brain”
“that’s a good thing, right?”
“it is but, we found  a brain tumor. It’s about the size of a quarter on your pituitary gland and you also have brain atrophy”
FANTASTIC!!!
I’m just ready to get it all over with, but I have to have more tests and meet with a neurologist. I met with the neurologist and he gave me a list of tests I had to schedule. Well, that night he called and said I had an appointment with a neurosurgeon the NEXT DAY because my tumor was too close to my optic nerve and it was scaring him. Great. Just what I need. To miss more work!
So, off we go. Mom, dad, me and uncle mike off to see the surgeon. We meet with him. I did a pretty good job at holding myself together, until he said he wanted to shave my head. SERIOUSLY?! I stopped listening and ended up sobbing. Was this really happening to me? He says there’s a few tests to run and I may not need a full blown crainiotomy. So we wait… and wait… and wait… and then? You need to have the surgery. But go to the beach tomorrow…
He sent me to the beach since my summer sucked and was stolen from me. So we went and my cousins met me for lunch. And held me as I cried. Do I really have to do this?
And then he called us on that Sunday. We were late and he wanted to make sure we were still coming. Oh, we went. And I befriended all of the staff and tried to make it a good time. I had visitors in and out and then it was surgery day. August 4, 2010… I went in scared, I came out and made people laugh. “Hi annie! (My sister) Did you update my facebook?” then I fell back asleep, but everyone loved it… August 5, I woke up unable to see out of my right eye. Everyone started freaking out, but I tried to hold it together, plus I was so doped up that I couldn’t really function. It’s been scary, losing my sight. But I’m surviving. What other choice do I have?
So, I was released. Went home. Had visiting nurses come and go, had friends come and go (and remain gone), did the physical therapy thing, went on dates… hey, I’m sick not dead. And then I went back to work. My first surgeon said he had gotten it all and cleared me to go back. BIG MISTAKE. I went  back to more stress, people treating me like I was dead or diseased (which I am but you can’t catch it) and getting mad at me for walking with my cane. Seriously? I had a brain bleed before going back to work and the weight had shed a little… but of course I have a stressful job so bring on the cortisol!! I ended up meeting with a second surgeon because my first one was recommending radiation and my eye specialist said NO. He sent us to TJH and I met an awesome surgeon. He met with a tumor board who decided I needed a second surgery. He also said there was no need to rush the first one, or go through my skull and I’d probably be seeing right now.  Wow. Great.
April 12, 2011 I had my second surgery. Of course I had complications from that, why wouldn’t I? But I’ve been healing alright. I also had Lindic Radiation on July 28th. I was told that it takes anywhere from 6-12 months to see any changes. My MRI in October showed that I still have tumor, still wrapped around my carotid artery, but it’s shrinking. Gotta take the good with the bad I guess.
And then I started on Ketocanazole and I’ve seen a difference. My wonderful Endo wanted to put me on it because he’s worried about my heart, the weight isn’t coming off. It’s also difficult to exercise because I have no energy, I’m tired all the time and my muscles are weak. I’d go on a diet, but, I don’t eat anything. I’m never hungry.
As for the hormones, I’ve developed PTSD, and severe anxiety disorder. The panic attacks are less and sometimes I’m not as anxious as I was, probably because I’ve had so long to get used to all of this.

Are there days I feel like I’m on top of the world? Yes. Are there days I forget I’m blind? Yes. Are there days I forget my body has limitations now? Yes. Are there days where I feel like a supermodel? Yes.

But

Then there are days I want to slit my wrists. There are days I hate everyone. There are days I don’t want to speak to anyone because I hate the fact that I can’t concentrate, or I can’t see them or I can’t follow a conversation or I stutter or I feel like a fat slob. There are days I want to break every single mirror I see because I’m a hideous monster. There are days I can’t feel my legs or arms. There are days that I can’t get out of bed because the pain is so bad, and the headaches don’t allow me to do much. There are days I hate my life.

But I smile. And I press on. I try and stay as positive as I can, because being sad all the time doesn’t fit me, which is why some days I’ll choose to be angry because I hate to be sad.

I’d really like to be starting the healing process now, but until this tumor is gone… I’m still playing the waiting game. I want to go hiking, walking, swimming, dancing… I want to READ a book without forgetting what I have read or getting a headache. I want the pain to stop. I want to not hate people. I want to work. I want to go back to school. I want to continue to make a difference. I want to be happy, all the time. I want a cure. And I want to stop being so sad and angry all the time. I want to be better.

This is the snapshot of my life since it all began.  There’s a lot more I deal with and it’s more of a struggle than I let on. But that’s what hero’s do… we don’t let you see us struggle. Maybe calling myself a hero is a little vain but, that’s what my friends call me. Their hero, their inspiration.

*i actually had to stop writing and change the way i was doing things bc i got so damn emotional. reliving this thing kinda... broke my heart? idk. made me deal with things i didnt want to deal with. i looked at pictures of who i was. what my plans were and how everything has changed. i want to add more to this blutb, but i ran out of time... one of these days*

moms surgery is tomorrow 915am we have to be there. fingers crossed!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Thursday, January 5, 2012

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

i am going to attempt this one without crying... which may be difficult considering the amount of pain killers and ativan ive taken in the past couple of days due to my stairway to hell :)

there are some happy parts, so we may as well start there, right?

what a way to kick out 2011 and say hello to 2012! my bestie and i took a trip to the cape, of course. can you believe this girl had NEVER even been to jersey? like at all? wth! so i popped her jersey cherry as well as her shore cherry. she got out of work early which was fantastic :) we got to leave early. we laughed. ate cheetos, and i quit being a vegetarian since im the worst vegetarian ever. we stopped at Cheesequake to pee and to eat and go to enjoy some quiznos. when we got to my cousins... NO ONE was there. so after getting over being annoyed, my girl and i got all dressed up and went out. dinner. pee. bar. wait, first we saw Tejay bc i wanted him to pump my gas. then we went to CJ's for dinner-- good, but overpriced. and then we spent the evening at Flip Flopz. My absolute fave. :) we laughed. we cried. we made friends with the bartender. once we remembered how old we were, we decided to peace out, hopin the boys would be home... AND THEY WERE! <3 well, Jay was home. so i hug attacked him and then Josh n G came back, which was wonderful. I love them. So much. And Chell was home, which is always a plus. That girl is like a sister to me. i dont know how id get thru life without her, g n josh sometimes. she calls them my alcohol- my escape from my reality... and she's right. chell went to bed, so g n jay stayed up with us. idk what we watched but jenni n i curled up on the sofa bed and ended up passing out around 430/5amish.

only to be woken up a few hours later by my beloved lil man. all i needed to hear was, 'want cole' and my ass was up. and smiling. and shnugglin with the cutest 21month old ever! cant help it, our family makes cute babies. so then chell was like, i have to run out real quick, she was bringin g to AC so were like, okie doke... so in true jersey fashion: pj shorts, uggs, oversized hoodies and our sunnies... oh yeah... we made that shit look goooooooood.


we ended up being out longer than we had expected. Jenn and I didn't really have confirmed NYE plans, it was all up to jay to plan... and he sucks as a planner. So Danny and Chell wanted us to come to the K of C, he was deejaying. At first, we were up in the air about it... Chell didn't wanna go and we were like.... we're young lol. but we had THE BEST TIME! (but before that, we were in the bathroom and chell starts bangin on the door, BECAUSE DEVIN WAS HERE!!! which was wonderful. and i hugged him. and cried.)we danced from 7-almost 1am. we ate amazing food. we laughed. we laughed. we danced. i danced. at one point i became the entertainment bc dippy didn't remember how to do the cotton eye joe... yet she requested it. wench. lol love ya girl! another nice thing about that night, josh came to the party and spun me around the dancefloor to unforgettable... and yeah. i cried. i love that kid. so jay calls, and we go pick him up (im keeping alot out of this night bc its too personal) and we go back to the K of C to finish dancing. then we head to flip flopz bc were supposed to dance the night away there... well... that didn't happen. why? bc they lied. so we pick up josh and make plans to head back to the house. but we didnt do that either. we dropped josh and jay off at wawa... these CM people have a sick obsession with wawa and walmart... its so strange.
prior to us going to wawa, i had a panic attack. full blown, telling everyone to shut the fuck up. and pulling into someones driveway, after going down a one-way street the wrong way... actions that led to this event: lack of sleep, being over tired, almost running someone over bc i didnt see them, being lied to *which is a big one*, jay opening the car door ON PURPOSE and almost hitting a guy on a bike, seeing cop lights behind me (but they were going after an accident, not me), drunken people being rude... it was a mess... but we fixed it. i love my joshua. and my jennifer. after jenni and i went back to chells, we put on our pjs, took off our makeup and decided that we wanted fried food. so off to wawa we went. and then we went home, curled up with grey's anatomy :)
we slept soooo good that night. and woke up the next morning and we all went out for a recovery breakfast. :) me, jenni, chell, dawn, g and danny... good times... and then it was decided that us big kids were all gonna hit up AC that night... but before that we had to go shopping so jenni had something to wear... even though she wore what she already had on, lol. AC was kind of... eh... and eventful at the same time. we were so freakin tired! but we went. and had fun, and jenni got us matching hoodies. i went to hooters for the first time, and wasnt that impressed. 1. the girls boobs werent that big or impressive, and 2 the food was just kind of... eh. so we played the slots a lil bit. that was aight. then i got chased by some freakin crackhead who wanted me to be his 'next baby mom'. that wasnt scary. we were totally ready to go then. but no one else was. and then? we went to the bathroom after i got a text message taht i didnt really want to deal with. so we went into the bathroom to cry... and hear some lady puking. great. so lady comes out and said that she didnt want to be intruding, we told her we werent, so she went on to tell us about how miserable her life was... we were in there for almost an hour. i think theres a reason God put us in that bathroom- the woman had lost her husband and her mother within 20 days of each other. Jenn thinks she met sad lady bc she doesnt wanna be taht sad lady. i thought it was to help her, us. all of us. but then drunk sad lady got really creepy and handsy so we ran away. then we saved a drunk mans life, by having him pulled over by the cops. all in all a good night... where we got back at 330am. we were soooooooooo tired. so into our jammies we went, and then got a second wind when josh came home. so i made pizza, josh n jenn ran to wawa, then they came back. and we ate shit food, and were up until 7am... mind u jenn and i were driving home that day. but i wouldnt have changed a thing. our last day we went to the beach and visited uncle frank and went to eatontown... and it was wonderful. i dont think i could have asked for a better weekend.
but of course... as in typical nicci fashion, i overdid it and decided i had no limits. so ive been in bed every day since. oh, and then the stairway to hell. idk what happened, but i slipped down the steps, while on the phone with jenn. i havent been walking right since. oh, and of course the pain was so bad on tuesday taht i couldnt sleep- no amount of dilauded and ativan could save that one. smh. its gotten easier but im still mess- inside and out.

as for the emotional rollercoaster ride im on today... well... i got an email from my endo stating that my cortisol level was FINALLY in normal range. whoohoo! and that he wants to present my case to the endo board, so he asked for pictures. awesome. so i lied and said i had a collage... so im making one for him :) i LOVE arts and crafts,... but i didn't realize how hard this was going to be to do...

i dont think i thought seeing me before the 'ugly disease' was gonna bring me down this far... i was thin, i was pretty, i was sharing clothes with my friends... and now? im this huge blob. its disgusting. and the other day, jenn was going thru my closet and says 'nicci, i cant just shop in ur closet anymore. ur clothes dont fit me. that makes me sad'. talk about a knife thru my chest. i know she didnt say it to be mean or hurtful... but holy hannah. it stung. and made me remember who i used to be and how i used to look. and now im looking at these pictures and its like... fuck me. i was like, model quality. i was happy being a 14/16. an XL... but now its between a XXL or a XXXL. and really? wth. i know, we girls always say size doesnt matter when it comes to a mans penis, but why cant the same apply to us when it comes to OUR BODIES? for the past few days im like, yeah im hott. i know. or ive felt pretty. and beautiful. and its like, fuck what everyone else thinks. so why am i so low right now? i know this whole thing takes time i just... UGH. miss my skinny clothes. i miss my tight jeans that fit JUST RIGHT. i miss walking around in shelf camis and NOT needing to wear a bra. i miss my heels. i miss walking into a room and people stopping what theyre doing and being like, wow... i mean, ok. some days i still have the wow factor. ive always had such self-confidence but this disease kinda destroyed that... as did some of my past relationships trying to make me feel worthless and that id never be good enough but... i think they got it backward. THEY werent good enough for ME.

this whole thing has rocked my world- from beginning to end. and i just saw a commercial for some new mtv show and the trailer ended "i just want my pants back" and i do. i want my pants back :(

this whole journey has been up and down. ive gone through so much, discovered how strong i am. seen what/who matters and what/who doesnt. ive gotten rid of alot of the trash in my life, though i know there's more that i can get rid of. ive become alot closer to my family and rekindled some old  friendships.

this is a new year. and im convinced its going to be a better one. for all of us. it has to be. i dont even know what to say anymore, because i feel like ive said the same thing voer and over and over again. ..