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Thursday, January 5, 2012

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

i am going to attempt this one without crying... which may be difficult considering the amount of pain killers and ativan ive taken in the past couple of days due to my stairway to hell :)

there are some happy parts, so we may as well start there, right?

what a way to kick out 2011 and say hello to 2012! my bestie and i took a trip to the cape, of course. can you believe this girl had NEVER even been to jersey? like at all? wth! so i popped her jersey cherry as well as her shore cherry. she got out of work early which was fantastic :) we got to leave early. we laughed. ate cheetos, and i quit being a vegetarian since im the worst vegetarian ever. we stopped at Cheesequake to pee and to eat and go to enjoy some quiznos. when we got to my cousins... NO ONE was there. so after getting over being annoyed, my girl and i got all dressed up and went out. dinner. pee. bar. wait, first we saw Tejay bc i wanted him to pump my gas. then we went to CJ's for dinner-- good, but overpriced. and then we spent the evening at Flip Flopz. My absolute fave. :) we laughed. we cried. we made friends with the bartender. once we remembered how old we were, we decided to peace out, hopin the boys would be home... AND THEY WERE! <3 well, Jay was home. so i hug attacked him and then Josh n G came back, which was wonderful. I love them. So much. And Chell was home, which is always a plus. That girl is like a sister to me. i dont know how id get thru life without her, g n josh sometimes. she calls them my alcohol- my escape from my reality... and she's right. chell went to bed, so g n jay stayed up with us. idk what we watched but jenni n i curled up on the sofa bed and ended up passing out around 430/5amish.

only to be woken up a few hours later by my beloved lil man. all i needed to hear was, 'want cole' and my ass was up. and smiling. and shnugglin with the cutest 21month old ever! cant help it, our family makes cute babies. so then chell was like, i have to run out real quick, she was bringin g to AC so were like, okie doke... so in true jersey fashion: pj shorts, uggs, oversized hoodies and our sunnies... oh yeah... we made that shit look goooooooood.

we ended up being out longer than we had expected. Jenn and I didn't really have confirmed NYE plans, it was all up to jay to plan... and he sucks as a planner. So Danny and Chell wanted us to come to the K of C, he was deejaying. At first, we were up in the air about it... Chell didn't wanna go and we were like.... we're young lol. but we had THE BEST TIME! (but before that, we were in the bathroom and chell starts bangin on the door, BECAUSE DEVIN WAS HERE!!! which was wonderful. and i hugged him. and cried.)we danced from 7-almost 1am. we ate amazing food. we laughed. we laughed. we danced. i danced. at one point i became the entertainment bc dippy didn't remember how to do the cotton eye joe... yet she requested it. wench. lol love ya girl! another nice thing about that night, josh came to the party and spun me around the dancefloor to unforgettable... and yeah. i cried. i love that kid. so jay calls, and we go pick him up (im keeping alot out of this night bc its too personal) and we go back to the K of C to finish dancing. then we head to flip flopz bc were supposed to dance the night away there... well... that didn't happen. why? bc they lied. so we pick up josh and make plans to head back to the house. but we didnt do that either. we dropped josh and jay off at wawa... these CM people have a sick obsession with wawa and walmart... its so strange.
prior to us going to wawa, i had a panic attack. full blown, telling everyone to shut the fuck up. and pulling into someones driveway, after going down a one-way street the wrong way... actions that led to this event: lack of sleep, being over tired, almost running someone over bc i didnt see them, being lied to *which is a big one*, jay opening the car door ON PURPOSE and almost hitting a guy on a bike, seeing cop lights behind me (but they were going after an accident, not me), drunken people being rude... it was a mess... but we fixed it. i love my joshua. and my jennifer. after jenni and i went back to chells, we put on our pjs, took off our makeup and decided that we wanted fried food. so off to wawa we went. and then we went home, curled up with grey's anatomy :)
we slept soooo good that night. and woke up the next morning and we all went out for a recovery breakfast. :) me, jenni, chell, dawn, g and danny... good times... and then it was decided that us big kids were all gonna hit up AC that night... but before that we had to go shopping so jenni had something to wear... even though she wore what she already had on, lol. AC was kind of... eh... and eventful at the same time. we were so freakin tired! but we went. and had fun, and jenni got us matching hoodies. i went to hooters for the first time, and wasnt that impressed. 1. the girls boobs werent that big or impressive, and 2 the food was just kind of... eh. so we played the slots a lil bit. that was aight. then i got chased by some freakin crackhead who wanted me to be his 'next baby mom'. that wasnt scary. we were totally ready to go then. but no one else was. and then? we went to the bathroom after i got a text message taht i didnt really want to deal with. so we went into the bathroom to cry... and hear some lady puking. great. so lady comes out and said that she didnt want to be intruding, we told her we werent, so she went on to tell us about how miserable her life was... we were in there for almost an hour. i think theres a reason God put us in that bathroom- the woman had lost her husband and her mother within 20 days of each other. Jenn thinks she met sad lady bc she doesnt wanna be taht sad lady. i thought it was to help her, us. all of us. but then drunk sad lady got really creepy and handsy so we ran away. then we saved a drunk mans life, by having him pulled over by the cops. all in all a good night... where we got back at 330am. we were soooooooooo tired. so into our jammies we went, and then got a second wind when josh came home. so i made pizza, josh n jenn ran to wawa, then they came back. and we ate shit food, and were up until 7am... mind u jenn and i were driving home that day. but i wouldnt have changed a thing. our last day we went to the beach and visited uncle frank and went to eatontown... and it was wonderful. i dont think i could have asked for a better weekend.
but of course... as in typical nicci fashion, i overdid it and decided i had no limits. so ive been in bed every day since. oh, and then the stairway to hell. idk what happened, but i slipped down the steps, while on the phone with jenn. i havent been walking right since. oh, and of course the pain was so bad on tuesday taht i couldnt sleep- no amount of dilauded and ativan could save that one. smh. its gotten easier but im still mess- inside and out.

as for the emotional rollercoaster ride im on today... well... i got an email from my endo stating that my cortisol level was FINALLY in normal range. whoohoo! and that he wants to present my case to the endo board, so he asked for pictures. awesome. so i lied and said i had a collage... so im making one for him :) i LOVE arts and crafts,... but i didn't realize how hard this was going to be to do...

i dont think i thought seeing me before the 'ugly disease' was gonna bring me down this far... i was thin, i was pretty, i was sharing clothes with my friends... and now? im this huge blob. its disgusting. and the other day, jenn was going thru my closet and says 'nicci, i cant just shop in ur closet anymore. ur clothes dont fit me. that makes me sad'. talk about a knife thru my chest. i know she didnt say it to be mean or hurtful... but holy hannah. it stung. and made me remember who i used to be and how i used to look. and now im looking at these pictures and its like... fuck me. i was like, model quality. i was happy being a 14/16. an XL... but now its between a XXL or a XXXL. and really? wth. i know, we girls always say size doesnt matter when it comes to a mans penis, but why cant the same apply to us when it comes to OUR BODIES? for the past few days im like, yeah im hott. i know. or ive felt pretty. and beautiful. and its like, fuck what everyone else thinks. so why am i so low right now? i know this whole thing takes time i just... UGH. miss my skinny clothes. i miss my tight jeans that fit JUST RIGHT. i miss walking around in shelf camis and NOT needing to wear a bra. i miss my heels. i miss walking into a room and people stopping what theyre doing and being like, wow... i mean, ok. some days i still have the wow factor. ive always had such self-confidence but this disease kinda destroyed that... as did some of my past relationships trying to make me feel worthless and that id never be good enough but... i think they got it backward. THEY werent good enough for ME.

this whole thing has rocked my world- from beginning to end. and i just saw a commercial for some new mtv show and the trailer ended "i just want my pants back" and i do. i want my pants back :(

this whole journey has been up and down. ive gone through so much, discovered how strong i am. seen what/who matters and what/who doesnt. ive gotten rid of alot of the trash in my life, though i know there's more that i can get rid of. ive become alot closer to my family and rekindled some old  friendships.

this is a new year. and im convinced its going to be a better one. for all of us. it has to be. i dont even know what to say anymore, because i feel like ive said the same thing voer and over and over again. ..

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