old reliable

i guess that's kind of become who i am, well really, who ive always been. it's like no matter how many times my friends or family hurt me... im going to be there. you could run me down with a truck, and ill still be there. you can abandon me for your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse and guess what? when u need a friend, ill still be there.

sometimes i wonder why i do that. but then i think... everyone needs someone to be there for them. everyone needs a friend, so im the friend that id like to have. the time to make friends isnt when u need them, you should make friends when you DONT need them, so that when you DO need them... they will be there.

the whole thing baffles me. but apparently, at this stage in life, it's normal to not have so many close friends and only have a few. but i always thought it was ride or die... friends forever... but then again, ive been wrong about alot lately. and i have a killer headache, so that doesnt make life any easier. i want to put my head through a wall because its so bad. oh well.

i dont know. there's so much on my mind that i cant seem to formulate it into the right kind of words. this past week alone ive been hurt beyond words by 'friends'. and it sucks. like... some people absolutely disgust me now, ive lost respect for others... but whatever. it happens, right? such is life.

crap. i lost what i was going to say. hmmm...
oh yeah. random acts of kindness...
that's what ive been doing and it's been quite successful. i do enjoy putting smiles on peoples faces. maybe it's selfish, and maybe i do do it, expecting something in return. that something? making someones day. seeing someones smile. i dont know, it makes me feel good. i like making other people happy, and maybe that's one of my downfalls. maybe thats why people take advantage of my heart and walk all over me, i dont want to say that im ok with that- with the being walked on and taken advantage of, but i AM ok with people knowing that i am that friend. i am that girl. i am the one who will be there. when the rest of the world walks out on u, ill be here.

now thats not to say once ive had enough i wont walk away. because i will. and i have. enough is enough. i can only be nice and be there for so long. i HAVE cut people out, and now these said people are coming to me because everyone has walked out on them. newsflash! i can only be slapped in the face so many times... and you've reached your limit. so goodbye.

hmm... i dont know. my heads spinning. i know things dont suck as bad as they could and that there are always rainbows. im just... idk.

i dont like being lied to. at all. it doesnt make me sad, and i dont know that it makes me angry. it makes me lose respect for you. because i respect you enough to tell you the truth, regardless if it hurts or not, but you cant have the same respect for me? seriously? suck it bitch.

and yes. id like to smash someones hearing aids. and id like to take my cane to the back of someone elses head. will i? no. but the visuals are thoroghly enjoyable.

do i live in a world where unicorns roam free and everyone is smiling? of course. but that's not reality. so i apologize for bursting ur bubble, that im not perfect. and im not happy all the time. it is what it is.

and please stop asking me if im getting my sight back. im kind of sick of it. and sick of saying no. if something changes, ill let u know. but as of right now? nothing is changing. so let it go

i did enjoy making people smile today <3 and the past few days. its nice to be appreciated.