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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

the girl in the mirror

she's pretty.
brown eyes.
currently has red hair.
most of the time wears glasses.
i don't really recognize her. 

i'm all over the place. i'm either wanting my world to end, or ready to start my next adventure. i'm either picking a fight with someone or in love with everyone. i'm either thinking about how horrible my life is, or encouraging others that it DOES get better.

i'm in pain ALL of the time. literally some part of my body hurts no one seems to know how to make it stop. i only have ONE doctor that seems to want to listen to me. the rest just seem to pass it off to the other one. nice, right? and my case is so unique that GUESS WHAT? i have something NEW wrong with me. and... i guess you'll never guess this one... it's RARE! hahahahaha. i  LOVE THIS LIFE. seriously. it just gets better and better.

i am alienating everyone. i don't want to be around anyone. everyone is either pissing me off or adding to the depression. you're either part of the problem or part of the solution and most of the world is part of the problem. don't ask me why, you just are.

i feel pretty alone. like no one gets it. and how can you? you're not stuck in this body. you're not living this life. you're not faced with the stigma... you're not "disabled" "handicapped" "broken" "diseased" " ill" are you?  are you forced to sit back and watch the world go on without you? are you sitting here watching all of your friends get married and have kids while your insides go to waste because a doctor screwed up? because a disease destroyed you? are you sitting here feeling like you're on the outside looking in? are you sitting here feeling like you're falling further and further away from your closest friends because you just don't fit into their circles anymore? do you? do you feel like you just don't belong? do you feel like you just don't have a place in this world anymore so maybe you'd be better off in another world? in a world where there would be no more pain? no more anger? no more hurt? do you ever feel like that? i do. all the damn time. these thoughts cross my mind. i told you. every day a part of me hurts. i just never said what part. and yes, physically i hurt, too.

do you know what it's like to be made to feel like shit because you're "disabled, handicapped, broken, diseased or ill"? i do. it sucks. it hurts. it's not my fault i can't do the things i once used to. and you know what? i am NOT handicapped. i am NOT disabled. i am full of more life than most healthy people.

do you see what i did there? there's the all over the place thing. i can't take this anymore! i hate that i'm going through this. i can't stand that my family is going through this with me. the only person who knows about any of this is my twin, because she's the only one who i really trust with any of this. who kinda gets it. not that some of my other inner circle wouldn't get it. i know that one in particular is reading this right now because i asked her to would try to understand, but because she's never walked this path, she may not. if you don't live this life, live it with me day to day, it's hard to get it.

when you're sick, your whole life changes. everything is thrown through a loop. your family is thrown through a loop. they're affected, too, people disappear. friends leave. you understand who really gives a fuck and who doesn't. honestly? i don't give a shit. you don't want to be here for me? there's the door. i'm done. my give a damn's been busted for years.

i'm starting to hate the woman i'm becoming. and that's not a good thing. but other days, i'm completely in love with myself. no. that's bullshit. i kinda like myself. i'm falling into this dark hole and i can't really see a way out. i've met some people who sort of get it, and i'm thankful for that but, they're not here. they're in an online addisons support group so... really... how much help they can really be, i'll never know. but it's a start.

*sigh* this whole thing sucks. i keep hearing that it's going to get better but... it's been 9 months now. and so far, it's just gotten worse. so really, i'd like to call bullshit on that one. i may look like a million bucks but i feel like my bank account has been overdrawn.