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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

nails in my coffin

smdh.

another one bites the dust...

too soon? not soon enough?

seriously. i'm glad i'm as strong as i am, otherwise... i'd have been dead a long time ago. and it wouldn't have been from the doctor's mistake. it wouldn't have been from the disease i'm fighting. it'd be your fault.

oh yeah. definitely YOUR FAULT. and that's what i'd put in my suicide note. i would. i would single you out by NAME. you think i wouldn't want you to feel what you made me feel? how LOW you made me feel? ha. i'd have the envelopes fucking signed, sealed and delivered baby. maybe with some pictures, so you could remember how good i was to you. how i was always there when YOU needed me. how i'd bend over motherfucking backward for you. how it was always, nicci i need this. nicci, can you do that? nicci blahfuckingblah. but then it's, niccis sick. so niccis life sucks. nicci has no boyfriend so lets ignore her. nicci has no money so let's drop her like a bad habit. niccis headaches aren't real. niccis faking. nicci can't handle life anymore. nicci just sits around and thinks about how everyones moving on without her. nicci isn't worth our time. blah freaking blah.

newsflash... i'm pretty freaking amazing and YOU are the ones missing out. and... my life DOESN'T suck. and i DON'T sit around thinking about how everyone's moving on without me. because honestly, i'm enjoying my time with the one's who are a part of my life. the one's who aren't, well, sucks to be them. i'm single, and that's aok with me! i don't NEED to have a boyfriend to have a good time. and the 'friends' who got married and dropped me bc i can't hang bc they're married with children, you can fuck off. bc guess what? i have friends who are married with children, and we spend oodles of time together. that doesn't change friendships. so apparently, you missed that memo. and apparently, i never really meant that much to you to begin with. and that's fine. and i should have known that to begin with because i had to be the one to check in with you. and that's cool. i know where i stand.

there were the friends who are im here for you, im not going anywhere. yatta yatta yatta. and as soon as they're in a new relationship, it's like i'm invisible. but, it was like that before i got sick, so i guess i should have expected that. so, i decided to say, screw it. i don't make time for them either. do i have time? sure. am i going to try? nope. why should i bother? it's not worth it to me. not worth it at all. i was here before he was. and apparently he's more important than i was. it doesn't matter that i'd run for you, hold your hand. i don't have a penis, so i don't mean anything. and that's fine. so... i'm done trying.

and then there's the one who i'm around when it's convenient. and this convenience store is closed. forget it. i'm not walking that street by myself anymore. i could very well be hurting myself by putting that to the test, but im going to. and if things work out the way i forsee it working out, then i know what i have to do. it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but it's what needs to happen. and sometimes, cords need to be cut. i need to take care of ME.

there were the coworkers of mine who didn't believe me. thought i was faking my headaches and my sickness. so i could call out. right. is this real enough for ya? and then tellin me i was crazy. right. oh, and then that i was depressed. well no shit, sherlock. why don't you fucking look up cushings disease. do some fucking research. how bout that? how bout you have your head hacked into. let them take your pituitary gland, you do know what that does, right? controls your hormones? and then they can't put you on a replacement because of your blood disorder. please, tell me how easily that is going to be to deal with right away. right. you're all on meds anyway because YOU can't deal with life... please. again, inform me how much i suck at life. please... want me to give you the hammer? oh wait. you already tried to nail my coffin... but notice how im not in there...

there are family members who go on and on and ON about how wonderful i am and how im always there for them but... where are you when i need you? you can talk a good game but... you're never around for me. and that's fine. go on, talk about how shittastic my life is, but i got news for you... it's not shittastic. it's amazing. just because i'm sick, doesn't mean i don't shine. and that i'm not destined for greatness, because i am. just watch. i'm a phoenix baby.

and then there were the doucheydoos i dated. but notice how they didn't even last. and they all tried to come back once they heard i was doing well... and notice... they're not here. wait, who was strong? who said not? oh right ME. that's right. i have something called self-respect. i'm not going to be with someone just to be with someone. even new guys. i have standards. i have self-respect. so i say NO. i'm not going to just spread my legs to anyone either. im not a slut. sorry. not gonna nail that either. haha. pun intended.

and then there are the rest of you. oh im here for you. fuck yourself. you are not.

and then there's the, oh im so sad. my friend has a brain tumor. no you're not. and if you're not a complete waste of life, you'd know that i don't anymore. fucking dumbass.

so do me a favor, if you're not in my circle, stay out of my life. i'm enjoying the fact that you're gone. you've done me a favor walking away from me. i hold no grudges, no hatred, no nothing. yeah, this sounds like an angry blog, but it's not. i just tell it like it is. when have i ever sugarcoated shit? ok, so before cushings, maybe i sugarcoated before. but now? fuck it. and fuck you :)

so many of you would have suicide letters. and that's pretty sad. especially when we all had, or so i thought... had meant so much to one another. it seems like the word 'friends' and 'forever' doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. which kind of brings a tear to my eye. but, i do like the circle i can count on. because they're amazing. and im glad there's no funeral for them to attend. i really am.

the reason for this blog? one of the guys in my brain tumor group killed himself. he couldn't take it anymore. his family and friends had made his life a living hell, not like what he was dealing with didn't hurt enough, nono, they really gave it to him and made his life harder to deal with. so seriously, before you say something to me, or about me... or about someone with a disability... think about how your words are affecting them. you could be ending someones life.

Friday, August 17, 2012

wowza!

just... wow!

there must be some craziness going on in the universe this week... people are either completely cracked or completely wonderful... or life is just beautiful!

i've had an outpouring of stupidity and love in my life this past week. the day i went to the dentist, wednesday  i believe it was. i was a wreck. it was just a bad cushie day. i didnt feel good. i was depressed. i was mad. i was crying. i was just angry at the world, and certain people. and feeling let down. so anyway, i get there, and i decide to question the dentist. i say, why didnt you tell me i had a mass on my jaw? why didnt you tell me i needed to see an oral surgeon to get a scraping to see if i had cancer? he said, where did you get that from? i would have told you if i saw something. i told him, the hygienst told me that the last time i was here. he said, another hygeinst playing doctor. he apologized for her behavior and said that he would have told me that if there was something there he would have said something to me. bring on the water works. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!? he told me i was fine, but since i had something in my head for so long, that i should get a second opinion just to calm my nerves.
so we went through the fillings process. apparently i had been in so much pain bc the cavity was so deep it was almost touching my nerve, so bring on the novacane.

i ended up NOT going to karaoke that night bc of the amount of pain i was in. and i was miserable. and then, i was talking to a friend of mine, who said, heck with going to the bar tonight, want me to come over... really? who does that? i dont think any of my friends have ever volunteered to do that... ever. ive had people say theyd spend time with me before or after... but never skip it completely. ive always been second fiddle. always. and that... really touched my heart. i turned down the offer. i felt like crap and wanted to go to bed. but i was really touched.

and i did have oodles of people checking on me.
and i did have some quality bdwag chat time, which we havent had in a long time
and i even made plans to have lunch with noah bc i had my philly day on thursday...
we didnt get to have lunch, of course. because... well... philly doctors have no concept of time! it's all good though. another day

did find out im still tumor free! it hasnt grown back! what a relief! was i having anxiety attacks? oh yes i was!

and then some guy tried to pick me up. that was... flattering and weird and gross at the same time. haha. apparently i have the cushiegirl swagg. thats what im calling it anyway.

but we did see sunflowers after we got the news. yay grandpa!

:)

and what else... then ivory came over and that always makes me happy

oh and the lawyer called and apparently social security has all my stuff so i get to go bug them next week

and today is mixtape with wifey! kelly clarkson, nkotb, dj pauly d, the fray, carolina liar, aaron carter... woohoo! what a way to celebrate!

and lissas cd came out this week, and its absolutely fabulous!

and ive had lots of faerie visits

and my drawing is improving

and i won a reading, that i forgot i entered

and my nail design is improving

and... just... wowza!

what a great couple of days i tell ya!!

:D

people really need to start focusing on what they have and not what they dont, im sayin, things are alot better that way. i may not have all my sight or all my health, but what i do have is pretty amazing. and the people who have left my life have made it better. i dont care for the people who keep letting me down. buh bye. its nice cutting those chords. inner peace is a beautiful thing. smiling for real, not smiling to please other people or to make people think im ok is wonderful. being honest with myself is wonderful, ask me how im doing, and i will tell you. the word fine is not really in my vocabulary. so dont ask me unless you really want to know. i dont sugarcoat :)

be blessed!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

wrong much?

it seems like everything i do is wrong.
every fucking thing.

i cant help that im still fucking sick. i didnt ask for any of this to happen. sometimes i think people think i like the fact that im sick. i like the fact that i cant work. i like the fact that im sitting here doing NOTHING because i fucking cant. im sitting here, typing this trying not to fucking cry. oh, because everything is peaches and fucking cream, right? right.

fuck you. seriously. fu uh uhhhhhhhhk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

i try my damnedest to stay positive and cheery. and i do. because im blessed. i have a good fucking life. i have a lot to be thankful for.

so STOP TRYING TO BRING ME THE FUCK DOWN!

im so fucking sick of everyones negativity!

you dont like my hair? suck my nonexistant dick

you dont like the way i look? fuck you.

dont like the way i drive? dont ride with me. walk.

dont like me? then go. there's the fucking door.

im tired of people trying to make me feel like shit for who i am and what im dealing with. as if my life isnt hard enough!? do you have ANY idea what its like to be me? any clue? reading about cushings isnt LIVING with it. i dont fucking care if you're JESUS. you have NO IDEA what it's like. i don't even think GOD fully understands it. that's right. i said it. put me in a room with HIM. ill call him out. i dont think he gets it.

i dont know that people are TRYING to make me feel bad, but they are succeeding! i dont have money. i know this. but must you remind me every single day? why do you think im alone all the time? i try and go out on my own, but its hard because everything requires money. EVERYTHING!!!
cant go to the movies bc i have to pay for a ticket.
i CAN go to karaoke bc i only drink water :) and my group that i go with, if i want a drink, they take care of me, which is nice.
i do have a good group of friends. i dont ask to go places. i dont ask anyone to buy me anything. i dont NEED anything. i really dont. i just like to be in good company. i enjoy laughter. and dancing. i love love LOVE to dance. and we found a great place to go dancing that has NO cover. and we pretty much all drink water, which is FREE anyway... <3

so... while i get made to feel like garbage because i dont bring in any money, and some people dont want to spend time with me because i dont have any money and cant do the things that they like to do...

i have amazing people around me who don't care that i have nothing. because i have me. i have a heart of gold. i have laughter. i have a smile. i have me. and that's enough for them. and that's enough for me, too. because ya know what? i AM enough. and that's a beautiful thing.