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Monday, December 26, 2011

where oh where...

warning: very angry. annoyed. miserable. happy. emotional rollercoaster ahead.

i am really starting to get sick of fucking life. i really am. im tired of everything. of people, of situations, of negativity, of liars, of being sick, etc. seriously. and im tired of feeling like im alone. like i dont belong anywhere. i dont feel like i fit in. hell, i even feel like a stranger in my own home somedays. its like, what the fuck is the point of existing or being around, when im by myself. ive grown accustomed to being alone, and its like, being around people is starting to get on my nerves. sure, i get annoyed bc i feel so COMPLETELY abandoned by my 'friends' who, id like to say a BIG FUCK YOU to :) i love being 'good enough' when it's convenient for you, but seriously, i dont need you. guess i never really did.
so anyway, since im alone all the time, and feel alone, whats the point in being around people? so then when people are around, i feel like i wanna punch them or tell them to jump off a bridge. why? why not? who knows, maybe it's the hormones or lack of hormones talking, or maybe its too much sugar, but im so fucking angry. and im snappy... and snapping, at everyone. even those who dont deserve it. i need to take up boxing, or something, to get out all of this aggression. there's gotta be an easier way than feeling like this. there has to be.

yesterday was christmas, and it was nice. annie came home joe was home... me n him were up crazy early because he had to go to work, so he woke everyone else up... it was kinda funny... we're all adults and we're up at the asscrack of dawn because santa came to visit. being older, i know that it's not about presents, even though ive always known that. my parents brought us up knowing that it's about love, family and the birth of Christ. i never thought the holidays would depress me, though. like... super depressing. all i wanted to do yesterday was curl up into a ball and hide away. just cry and shut myself off from the rest of the world. but i didn't. and i kinda regret not doing that. even though, all of us going to see WarHorse was a good excuse to cry... talk about emotions... it was a good movie though. idk. im a wreck and im starting to even annoy myself. this whole snapping at people needs to stop, but it's like i can't stop. and it sucks. oh right, depressing. yeah... idk. there's just so much going through my mind right now... love, love lost, brokenness, sickness, heartache, healing, friends, lack of friends, disappointment in people...

im really disappointed in those who claimed they'd be there 'forever'. really? where are you now? cause as far as i can tell, you're not here. and im no longer going to be the one to chase you or try and hold our friendship together. the phone works both ways. friendship is supposed to be a two-way street and im tired of walking it alone. and you can say you're there. and blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, you're not. and i can't even believe ive allowed myself to be hurt so much by people. im so completely let down, and it's disgusting. never in a million years would i have thought that you would have turned out to be this way. but you did. and it makes me want to throw up. but then... the more you let me down, the easier it's going to be to let you go. why? well, honestly, what do i have to hold onto? you're making the end of this far too easy. and it's really quite sad... because if a friendship is so easy to end... was it ever so real to begin with?

im starting to question everything now... the only thing i dont question is my faith, which im thankful to have because it really pulls me through some of the worst times, i just have to remember to focus on it and to find it and to pull it out when i need to. like today. but im struggling. and i dont like that. and all i want to do is cry, cry, cry....

and i know none of this makes sense. i feel so confused and brain foggish... like... i dont know which way is up. i just wanna be away, or be me, or feel something... anything. idk. im just tired of feeling like a convenience.

which is why im deleting people out of my life. i got rid of becca last night and i dont feel bad about it. why? because she's a shitty friend. so ill be deleting more and more as the days go on. if im not important to you, there's no reason for you to be important to me. you left your mark, wrote your chapter in my book of life... and now your chapter is closed.

im even kind of sick of blogging. i think the only reason i do this some days is so i DONT cry, or maybe so i do... and then it's like... i dont have to physically voice how im feeling. someone will read it and that's all i have to do. no talking, no feeling, no nothing. just writing down everything i want to say so i dont feel like such a dipstick because ill talk too fast, or repeat myself or not remember what im saying... im really sick of not remembering. why cant i not remember stupid people? why do i remember the hurt? it's ridiculous.  i feel like if im stuck not remembering things, i should have a choice in what im not going to remember dammit!

smh. whatever. i dont even know anymore. all i know is... i wanna write you off. i could tell you how i feel, but what would be the point there? we've been down that road before... and things changed a little... but we're back to where we started. i get it. you have your own life, and maybe i served my purpose in yours. and if that's the case... don't fake it. be real.

but you can't. dont worry about hurting my feelings. because im a hell of a lot stronger than you think. ill keep going with or without you. havent you realized that yet?

oh, and if you think this is about you... it probably is.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Oh Christmakuh, Oh Christmakuh...

i dont know where to start. i thought i did but... idk. i had all intentions on writing happy thoughts, but now i feel like slitting my wrists... *sigh* oh well. tis the season, right?

anyway... there was a time i didn't know that i would be celebrating another christmas. i really didn't. i basically put on a good front, told people what they wanted to hear, that i was fine, while inside i was dying. i was waiting for the storm to come back... even though it never left. i was doing everything i could to try and stay positive, while inside i was ready to die. literally. i was waiting to not wake up, and every morning that i did wake up i was surprised as hell. the headaches, the dizzy spells, the nausea, the frustration, the blindness, the tremors, the hot flashes, the cold flashes, the fact that memories were fading rapidly, the chest pain, the shortness of breath, the anxiety, the fact that i was being let down by so many people: MCCYS, the girls i worked with, the girls i considered friends, guy friends, relationships- romantic and non-romantic... so much hurt. so much defeat. so much pain. so many tears i refused to cry. so many downs and not too many ups, feeling like i lost a huge part of myself, wondering if id ever get that part of me back... and i still wonder.
i find myself tearing up as i write this because there is still an insane amount of hurt inside of me, and sometimes i think ive let it all go, but it sneaks up on me and comes out of nowhere. it'd be nice if the hurt and the sorrow and the doubts and the pain would be gone for good, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

this is my second Christmas since my surgery. and i've been hurt a ton, but ive also gained alot. im happier now. im feeling better. id like to say my anxiety is less but.... i had three panic attacks last night, in a row, and felt that the world was closing in on me. i still have the aches and the pains but im not so dizzy. and im alive. so i guess that's a good thing. im pushing forward and staying positive, well, as positive as i can be... and today... today i saw why i needed to stay so positive. i was actually touched by some of my friends, and their kindness, even people i barely speak to...

there's a family in town who's in need. i dont know who they are or really anything about them, but manda is helping them. so? i put out an SOS to my facebook peeps and man oh man! the response was wonderful! ive already picked up a bag of food, more people are putting presents, clothing and food together for these kidss. Santa lives in all of us, and I love that this is happening. It makes me want to believe in people again, like maybe theyre not all so horrible, that there ARE good people in the world. it means alot that there are people who are willing to help complete strangers.

maybe i sound ungrateful for the help that ive been given, but that's not the case. i love and appreciate every single one of my friends, family, strangers, and doctors who have offered up love and support to me and my family. it means the world to me. im thankful to be alive, and to have incredible people in my life... and some days its harder than others to remember the good when there is just so much bad happening! and not just bad to me, but to my family and my friends. im tired of seeing people be taken advantage of, manipulated, hurt, lied to, etc... there's so much negativity and bad... but you would think that because it's CHRISTMAS/ HANUKKAH/ CHRISTMAKUH, that people would be a little nicer. you would think that all the hate and anger would disappear, for a little while. i guess that's another reason im touched at the outpouring of help for this family- people are being nice, they're putting others before themselves and just... idk. being good people. the world lacks good people. it really does.

idk. like i said before, there's so much hurt that sometimes it's hard to find the happy. yes, there is happy in everything, and it's always been kind of my job to pull positive out of every negative... but for some reason it's harder around the holidays. it shouldn't be, because Christmas is about family, it's about love, it's about friendship, it's about goodness, it's about a lil baby who was born to save us all... and yes, He was born and we're supposed to turn to him, but some days i wonder if He can really save me? or am i the one who has to save me from myself? some days i feel like im falling and falling and falling... but there's no one around to catch me. and i guess that's ok, because ive gotten pretty good at doing things on my own. i always have been. maybe im getting tired of it? idk. and i know im not alone and im sure whomever reads this is going to say, im here for you. and i get that. and it's nice. and it's appreciated but... you're not me. you're not living this. and you're not forgetting who you are. and sometimes forgetting how far you've come. some days, when im proud of who i am and how far ive come... i get sad because it's like, should i be this excited? does anyone REALLY care? i mean, everyone SAYS they do but... idk. maybe i need to see proof. and most of the proof ive seen... is a lack of caring. a lack of compassion. a lack of LOYALTY you fucking bitch. whoops. :) whatever. idk.

but yeah. it's nice to see that people aren't so awful. and that they see the real meaning of Christmakuh.  so yeah. happy holidays.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

shut the eff up. please

i am really, really, REALLY getting sick of all of the negativity and bad news in the world today. and the fucking stupid people. seriously. if there's something that you don't like about your life, then do something about it. dont just sit there and bitch and complain and be all, 'woe is me'. i really dont care. i dont. i tried to care, i did care. BUT... YOU CAN CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE! dont just sit on your ass and complain.
you're s/o is cheating- leave them
you're being talked about- so stop running your mouth
you owe people money- stop borrowing
everyone's against you- no, they're not. stop thinking so negatively
i dont feel good- go to the doctor
i dont have insurance- look into medical assistance.
im above medical assistance- sucks to be you then
i applied and am waiting- so wait it out, and if you're denied appeal it
i dont like my hair color- dye it
im ugly- no youre not
im broke- well... were all broke. this economy sucks.

like... i dont know what to say anymore. people come to me bc i tell it like it is, then get mad when i tell them what they dont want to hear... so here's a solution- DONT COME TO ME AND ASK FOR ADVICE! yall know i run my mouth and speak the truth, i cant help it. easy way to keep me from giving u my opinion... dont ask for it.

and another thing, my goodness. ever look at an ex and say, wtf was i thinking? i TOTALLY had that the other day. i THOUGHT maybe, id be sad or feel something... but all i felt was disgust. haha. no seriously, like, my stomach turned and in my head it was like, really? i wanted THAT for my future? smh. and there are so many awful things i could say about him and how he treats people and what a fucking waste of life he is but... i wont stoop to that level, kinda why i dont mention names on here. but seriously... i never had a relationship that i would call a waste of time... but i think that one might have been. i always like to try to pull something good out of every bad experience... so let's see... good... goood... hmmm... i did get a new dress... haha. and... hmm... oh yeah. i realized i dont need anyone to make me happy bc i do a good enough job of that on my own. i dont need someone to take care of me. yeah, im sick. but i have my parents and my family and my REAL friends to help me out. i dont need to be lied to, and from now on im gonna KEEP my armor on and keep the walls up. what the hell was the point of taking them down for a guy? hell, the sex wasn't even good. which should have been a red flag... especially when i wouldnt let him touch me bc the thought of him even kissing me made me wanna throw up... but no. i chose to fight it, thinking maybe it was the cushings, and i really did care... nope. i was forcing myself to. which wasn't a good idea. and even breaking up... i cried a little but, got over it within a day or so. because now i DONT have to give up my dreams for some asshole who doesn't and never did, deserve me. i feel bad for the next girl he plays. hes on a mission to marry but... will fuck around behind her back, lie, emotionally and mentally abuse, and try and make her feel worthless to make himself feel better. that's another reason it didn't work, 1. im not worthless. 2. i have my own opinions 3. no one controls me. i dont know why he thought id let him. no honey, that's not how it works.
phew. that was alot. feels good to get it out. there's probably more but, hes not worth my time.

anyhoo... today's the first day of hanukkah. and i dont really know anything about it, so im gonna make it kinda like thanksgiving, and im super thankful for the awesome people in my life. and im especially thankful that Jenn and I are as close as we are again. the situation that brought us together absolutely sucks, but it's nice to have my girl back and to laugh so much and feel so completely NOT alone. no, she doesn't have cushings and she's not medically retarded... but it's weird. its like im back to OLD nicci, well, sort of. its fun. so yay :) and were totally going to be reaking havoc on cape may in a few weeks... holla!

ok, so this blog was supposed to be a bitch fest, and im done bitching :) have a great day!

meet me underneath the mistletoe <3

Friday, December 16, 2011

apparently not...

so... i had written this LONG LONG blog, about my fears and my anger and what ive been experiencing... i even wrote out every little thing i wanted to say to dbag... BUT... my plug fell out of my computer! :( and i dont know how to recover the blog or the word doc that i had written... smh. but... maybe that's God's way of saying, the world doesn't need to know what a complete and utter shitbrick he is. I did feel alot better after writing it though, like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

so what i DO remember, is that IM NOT REMEMBERING. my memory loss is pretty sucktastic as of late and i fear its getting worse. its kinda scary, but i dont know what to do about it. im on the waiting list to see a neurologist.

i dont have any anti-anxiety meds, or anti-depressants... so im trying to face this alone... alone... something i feel allllllll the damn time. i can be surrounded by the most amazing people but... i still feel like an outcast. its hard. im different now, and not everyone wants to or can accept that. i dont drink, well, i CANT drink, which is fine. it takes longer for my body to recover after a day of fun, i cant see, i get scared, i dont drive at night, i dont work, i have no money... i feel alone. i do have friends and family who do their best to make me not feel so bad, and i am having more good days than bad. but... sometimes, i still feel like crawling into a ball and cry cry cryyyyyyyyyyyyying my eyes out. sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt.

idk. maybe thats one of the reasons i love the shore so much. i dont get treated like im sick, i dont get talked to like im dumb, they dont get frustrated with me when i dont remember something. im sorry to whomevers reading this, if you have to repeat yourself a few times because i cant remember what you said. and im sorry that i dont remember what i say so i repeat myself. if you can't deal with it, then just dont talk to me. im never going to be the same 'normal nicci'. as my beloved chell put it, after i bawled my eyes out "you want to be normal nicole, but you're not. you never will be. YOU'RE EXTRAORDINARY. and it's ok that you dont have the energy like you used to, that you cant run around like you once did, that you get tired. we love you. we accept this. we dont think any less of you. we never will and we will always be here, no matter what. i know it's hard for you because this is your escape and you come here because no one treats you different, but maybe you need to be treated a little different so that you can help yourself. we'll never leave your side, you just need to realize your limitations so you don't get sicker'. i love her. and im sure ive heard that over and over again, but for some reason, sitting in chells living room, after getting mad a crab and jay, hearing her say those words... hit home. and she's right. that day i had hit my breaking point and tried to force myself to be ok, but i couldn't.
crab said, you always cry when  you come down here. but that's ok. because ill hug you. ill cry with you. <3 bee eff eff right there. and he did. i think part of the reason i get so emotional down there is because im constantly trying to hold it together out here. i have to be a superhero. but down there... theyre my superheroes. its nice.
my moms superwoman too, dont get me wrong. but it's different. moms are supposed to be superheroes. its in their job description, and my mom wears her cape well. my cousins dont have to be, but they are. and they always have their guards up for me. it's cute. hell, jailbait even said to me, i kept coming into your room when you were sleeping to check on you, to make sure you were ok. like seriously? who does that? other than my parents... no one. my ex didnt even do that. but i guess thats love, unconditional love. good, bad, happy, sickness, health... always.forever.nomatterwhat. im so proud to be apart of the family i have.

i could write about anger, but... that has left the building. i do kinda feel like crying, but oh well. ill be seeing jenn later and if i need to cry, i will. were getting pedi's done. and tomorrow me, jenn and her mom are getting makeovers, and then jenn and i are hittin up a club... she wants to go. and idk i guess i kinda do too? itll be interesting to see how i handle it. im not gonna let my anxiety win. i will conquer this. i will. because im a soldier. im a warrior. and i win. always.

Friday, December 2, 2011

when it rains, it pours... but why cant it rain candy?

where to begin... well... the ketocanazole seems to be working. my cortisol has been cut IN HALF. so thats a plus. and i think im looking better. which always makes me feel  better. i had a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done last week... that sucked. omg. i thought i was going to die. i literally sat in the bathroom for 4-5 hours... it was terrible. ive had 2 brain surgeries and radiation, and i honestly think that was worse! ugh. just terrible. i got the results yesterday, and the biopsies came back ok. but i do have erosive gastritis, which, i dont really know what it is. but im on protonix for it. its painful. but whatever, weve been through worse right? blech. i just googled it. its another RARE disorder... lol. always knew i was special right? haha.

i felt like garbage pretty much alllllllll last week and this week. and not just from the colon stuff. i think it had to do with the celexa the psychiatrist put me on. i was more pukey and nauceaus, not holding food down and soooooo tired and in soooo much pain. everything hurt and all i wanted to do was sleep... sleep and more sleep. i talked to my therapist about stopping it, bc id rather have random crying spells then feel like complete and utter garbage. so i stopped the celexa and i have more energy and dont feel as awful. smh. one day things will be figured out... apparently today is just not that day.

i got to spend the weekend with one of my longest, greatest friends. it was amazing! we havent seen each other in years but, we just picked up where we left off. we talked, we laughed, we took silly pictures... it was great. and we TALKED. i love spending time and talking to Tris, she's one of the FEW who i feel will always be there, who doesnt judge me, and kinda gets it <3 love u girl! saturday was a superfantastic day... though when she left i fell right to sleep because i was exhausted.

sunday we (mom, my brother and sister) went to the cemetery to visit grandpa, grandma and his family. this may sound morbid but... i love walking through the cemetery. walking and singing... which to some may sound weird, but i like to sing to the dead. idk. to me it's comforting. i even cleaned off some of the stones that had weeds growing over them and that were practically invisible... my mom wanted some time at grandpas grave, and my brother- greatest kid in the entire world, followed her and just wrapped his arms around her. he is the most amazing brother in the world. i dont care what anyone says- mines better than yours. end of story. just like my sister is better than yours. my siblings and my family is quite possibly the most amazing group of people anyone will ever have the pleasure of knowing. no lie. even when mom and joe yell at each other bc theyre lost in the car and trying to avoid traffic :)

i did get some rather disturbing news on sunday. my good friend... her fiance passed away Sunday morning. my heart breaks for her. she is one of the toughest, strongest people i know... and she's carrying a burden that no one should have to carry. but she's doing it. and she's staying as strong as she knows how. God bless her. he was taken wayyy too soon... i did get to spend the day with her on wednesday, which seemed to do both of us some good. i felt terrible that i cant be there for her on saturday bc ill be down the shore with my family... working on healing myself. i had such a panic attack about it too, but she said it was ok. and i think i needed her to tell me that. it was nice being together and laughing together, and releasing some anger/frustrations we were both dealing with. i love you chica <3

tuesday lori came. and that's always awesome. i love reiki. and i love her. <3 were so connected on so many levels, its insane. but beautiful.

went to philly yesterday to see my otolaryngologist- im still the poster child for transphenoidal sinus surgery. so thats cool. dont need to go back for 6 months. i even got my uncle to stop at a botanica... which i loved. botanica chango on north front street. i love going into botanicas... the smell, the atomosphere, the people... i met some awesome people in there yesterday and they totally made me feel better with everything...

right. the whole, when it rains it pours thing? yeah... mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... seriously, can we catch a break? like now? that'd be nice. really nice. she still is walking around like she's superwoman. trying not to show any fear and be the best mom/friend/wife/person she can be. i think that's where i get it. we don't let anything get in our way and we fight and we conquer and WE WIN. it's gonna be ok mom. promise. i tried to talk her into letting me NOT go to cape may so i could go with her to the surgeon, but of course she said no. i need to heal. so im going, in a few hours, to cape may. to be with my cousins. to walk the beach. to heal. i just need to get my ass in gear and go. it was just soooo cold when i woke up that i had a hard time getting out of the covers. had i done that, id be on my way right now.

idk how to deal with all of this. its like, one thing after the other. but were fighters, survivors. and will be ok. im glad that thyroid cancer doesn't spread, and that it's easily cured but... that C word is quite scary... hasn't my mom been through enough? she had to watchme almost die- more than once. she had to help me try and rebuild myself, my life and she's still dealing with my disease and trying to help me. because alot of times i get scared, angry and confused. and ugh. idk. its a mess and i do not approve. i just cant wait to be done with everything...