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Thursday, June 28, 2012

like shattered glass

and so it was...

looking at myself this morning... just wanted to break the mirror. just take a rock and smash it so i didn't have to look at myself. the saddle bags. the bulge. the tiger stripes. the grossness that cushings has so graciously given me.

as of late it's been : mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the fairest in the land? why you, cushie queen!

and today? mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? not you. are you serious?! look at yourself you dumb fuck.

THAT is how my day started out. id like to say it got better, and that i felt better... but the jury's still out on that one.

im in less pain than i was yesterday, which is kinda nice. not kinda, IS nice. is VERY nice. id like to be in LESS LESS pain so i can start walking. or riding the stationary bike so i can start moving and feel more better. yeah, i know. that didnt come out right. arrest me grammar police. please. im very much looking forward to doing SOMETHING.

the doctor gave me morphine yesterday. bless her heart :) no, im not a drug addict. it was nice to finally have something to take away my pain without making me loopy, dizzy, pukey, bitchy, itchy and mean.... i was sleepy and pain free... and thats it. and it was wonderful. i know i need at least 14-16 hours of rest on that shit though. hot damn. i almost fell asleep driving home from the CAO office today... which blew bc that meant no mana time... *sigh* next week...

speaking of CAO... yeah. that lovely letter they sent me yesterday... 'sorry, we sent that in error. the general assistance stopping hasn't been signed yet, so if it isn't signed before you're due your money, you will still get it'. really? REALLY?! are you effing for real?! smdh. let's get it together pennsylvania! the cw i spoke to said that i was smart to come in the afternoon because of how many people were there this morning. i can only imagine how many pissed off people were there... you lose your assistance unless you're knocked up or have kids. i feel bad for the old people who can't do anything about it. i get that it's to stop the douches who're abusing the system, because lord knows there's a shitton of em... i just pray that the people who NEED the assistance can appeal it or find a loophole or something. or that there's an advocate out there for them, or that there's someone who can help them. ive been blessed in that i have an incredible family and good friends who take care of me. people who want to help me. who don't see my being sick as a burden or a hardship. no matter how bad things get, how low i feel, how angry or sad i get... im blessed and i know that. and i always know that, even if it doesnt seem like i do... i know that. and i appreciate it, all of it.

my lovely wife even told me she wants to take care of my sushi and nail needs. shes wacky. i told her, just spend time with me. even though... i may allow her to buy me some raw fish. i do like raw fish...

and i just got so wrapped up in something else i dont remember... oh yeah.

cushings. shattered glass... right.

sometimes i think were like humpty dumpty. us cushies. we fell off the wall. were cracked. and idk if we can be put back together again. but i guess thats ok. because i guess i wanna be something new, right? something better? like a butterfly... i once was a catterpillar...

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

sickness does not equal laziness!

its been awhile since ive ranted... so im overdue... ready? goooooo!!!!!!


are you hearing me yet? really? are you sure? let me try again...


one more time.


ok. so, now that i've got your attention...

i would love to go running with you.. oh wait no... no i wouldn't. not at all. 

i would love to go hiking with you. yes, that i would enjoy. well go with that one. that's more my thing. and walking. id love to walking. or hiking. or dancing. id love love LOVE to go dancing. mmhmm. just dance the night away, be it under the stars, or in the club or the beach... ooo the beach... yes... that. how i miss the beach... just running through the waves, laying under the hot sun and sweating... walking away with raccoon eyes and beautifully sunkissed skin... *sigh* but that's not happening anytime soon. why? oh right. because i cant handle too much sunshine because it makes me SICK. i get pukey and headachey and dizzy and then i have to lay in air conditioning and dark and quiet because i cant handle much after that...

and what else... and i would so love to go to an AMUSEMENT park with you... ride the rides, feel my stomach in my throat... but i cant do that either. i mean, i can, ive been semi cleared, but my body cant handle that either. not too much. i can do a roller coaster or two but... i cant do too much walking... or too much sun. and youd have to be willing to walk slow with me. but what fun is that? who wants to walk slow?

oh, and did i mention... IM BROKE?! i kinda think some of you forget that... I HAVE NO MONEY!!!! sure, ive been living off a teensy bit of money from the state. ive been penny-pinching and making it stretch and saving for when i really wanna do something... but that ends... TODAY. why? oh right. i got that wonderful letter stating that, "you no longer qualify because the state is ending general assistance unless you have children or are pregnant". therefore... im stuck. so... as if being home wasnt bad enough bc i cant really afford to go anywhere as it is...

*sigh* at least its summer, and i have a pool... and, well... i do have some pretty awesome friends who come and spend time with me at my house. or at the doctors. or i go there. and we just do nothing. which is nice. but man oh man... not having money... kinda shows you alot...

this is just fucking ridiculous!

oh, and yeah. i know. cant isnt in my vocabulary or whatever. but guess what... IT IS! and that's ok. because i have limitations now, and i am accepting that. and you should too. 

just because there are things im not doing, or because im home watching tv, or im sleeping or not talking or whatever, it doesnt mean im fucking lazy dumbass. im sick. and if you choose not to see that, jump off a cliff without a parachute, k? :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

so i talk to animals...

so what?

everyone talks to their pets, but thats not what im referring to. this week has been a rough one for me. emotionally, and a bit physically. 

everyone talks about pennies from heaven. ya know, ya find one and it's an angel, yadda yadda yadda. my mom always says it's my grandpa. and im not knockin her, it's definately him. i totally believe her. hell, i've seen him around. he lingers. and it's cool. he comes around when we need him. but, im also a believer in the animals comin around. 

i know my animal totem (native american zodiac spirit) is the raven. which is quite fitting. ive done the research. and my boy jasons is the wolf, and which is even cooler bc they walk together, and we both are fighting cushings together, which just brought us even closer.

the raven is a symbol of courage, which, i am. maybe that sounds self-centered but whatever. its me. i have courage. i have to. it's what i do. so, bite me. it's also a symbol of self-knowledge, divination, MAGIC, change, TRUTH, messages, answers... all things that i use to define myself, so it's fitting. The message the raven brings is of difficult change, one that ive been dealing with since this whole cushings escapade. "it is through overcoming obstacles that we grow the most". again... very fitting. screw it. im just gonna copy and paste the damn thing and you can read it and then see how well it relates to my life.
i saw a raven while i was in meltdown mode the other day. just made me cry even harder... but it was nice just the same.

but before we go there:

so, my aunt ronna, my chell and jennifers mom, passed away last may. she loved butterflies. monarchs to be precise. the saying goes, if a butterfly lands on your shoulder, it's good luck. well, i didn't have a butterfly land on my shoulder, but i did have one land on my foot, twice, this week. thanks for saying hello!

today i saw a cardinal, while driving with my wifey. that was my grandma. she loved cardinals. i think it's kinda cool that i went to PMHS bc our mascot was a cardinal... kinda like she was with us every single day. not like shes not with us all the time anyway, but... you know what i mean, right? i always see cardinals on days im not feeling good, and today was no different. im glad christine came to see me, i just hate that i was so sick... but shes such a wonderful friend that it didnt bother her. she just wanted to spend time with me. that's how you know you have real friends. they dont care how sick you are, just as long as you're together :)

i had a lot more i wanted to write but... of course... that whole brain surgery thing has a way of messin with me... <3 stay beautifully blessed 

raven thing:
Many birds are seen as messengers between heaven and earth, and the raven totem no exception. In addition to carrying messages back and forth from a higher plane, raven spirits also bring meaning from a darker place, within. If a raven guide has appeared in your life and spoken to you, turn your focus inward, it is time for a change. Though as people, we often fear change, the changes raven totems bring are often meaningful and revelatory. The message of change is often difficult, but it is through overcoming obstacles and difficulties that we grow the most. Instead of becoming fearful or uncomfortable when confronted with the challenge, instead anticipate the end result. Ravens are incredibly perceptive; meaning, that if you’ve fallen under the scrutiny of this bird, that which needs to be changed should be revealed. If you’re having difficulty realizing what should change, then change the way you’re looking at yourself or a problem.
Ravens are also considered powerful teachers of the mysteries, or magic. Consider the truth and inner wisdom we each hold within. Just as a raven spirit can mimic the calls of many birds and animals so can you learn to understand the meaning buried in the symbols and messages that surround us. Raven totems teach magic, or reveals the magic within, not hocus pocus magic, but how the energy of your will can be used to shape and create the environment around you. This ties into the message of change, not only can you change internally, but you can change the external. Again, people often dread the raven guide and his message because developing strong willpower, changing, or exercising your intention, takes dedication and persistence.

Raven Considerations:
While many people say that no evil or malevolent creatures were created, the raven spirit has accumulated a wealth of different meanings, many of them not so good. They are commonly associated with bringing bad omens, tidings of death, sorrow, and destruction. A great deal of ancient symbolism associated with this bird is positive, but it is still important to consider that the collective thoughts or feelings of a person or society do create some truth or meaning. So if everyone believes that the Raven totem is a bad omen, in some sense it transforms into one. It is up to you when seeing or encountering a raven spirit, to perceive the feeling and circumstance of the experience.
Raven guide flies to us with the message of heightened perception and greater awareness of our conscious and subconscious minds. Just as a raven is often a silent observer, you may wish to observe your environment, the people in it, and your own behavior. Your behavior is motivated by a deep and complex tapestry woven over the expanse of your entire lifetime. The Raven totem is a gatekeeper of knowledge, a keeper of secrets, and a protector of truth. An interesting note about this protection is that the raven guide often protects us from difficult truths, or inner demons. When the Raven totem is faced with a challenge it will persist, it will approach the problem from many angles, it will use tools, all just to get to that juicy morsel at the center of the problem. Don’t expect change to come overnight, face your own inner challenges, it takes time to untangle the knots you’ve spent years making. The knots are like blocks, untangle them, follow the threads, and great inner truths will be revealed.
Consider the raven spirit’s consumption of carrion, or dead animals, this is a message that within death is life. When changing, do not simply cast off your old self, but consume and incorporate those parts which give you strength. Learn from your mistakes, and the mistakes of others, and give new wings to thoughts and behaviors that were previously stopped from taking flight.
Ravens are not easily intimidated by other birds, they are persistent, monogamous, intelligent, foresighted (they store or cache food for the future), problem solvers, tool users, and opportunistic.

Raven in Dreams:
If you’ve had a dream about a raven spirit its meaning is likely that big changes are coming your way or it may symbolize an end to a phase or habit in your life.
As ravens eat carrion, or will steal food from others, seeing one in a dream may symbolize or mean that someone is taking advantage of your misfortune.
Raven totem is a guardian or keeper of our fears, to see one in a dream can be seen as a message to examine these fears. Raven will guide you in revealing these inner secrets and to see your demons for what they are.

Raven Cultural Symbolism:
Middle Eastern- The raven is often considered an unclean animal, this is due to its consumption of carrion.
Biblical- Similar to the above, ravens are forbidden food in bible. Ravens are shamed when Noah sends one to search for land and it fails to return. A positive note for ravens in the bible, comes when a raven feeds the prophet Elijah when he is in hiding from King Ahab.
Nordic- The one eyed god Odin had two ravens as messengers, they were named thought and memory.
Native American- Many Native American tribes honor the raven for bringing light to mankind, there are also many stories of them being tricksters, and seekers of truth.
Chinese- In Chinese myth ravens represented the sun and its cycles.
Egyptians- Ravens were seen as harbingers of destruction and battle.
Greek- The god Apollo had a raven as a messenger
Celtic- Ravens were symbols of battle and destruction, but also of difficult change.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

im gonna hit you in 3..2..

let me get out my stick and beat you with it, please.

no seriously. i have a stick. a few of them. and if you know me, you know im serious.

i have my green walking stick, which was my dads, that i was using to help me get around after surgery. it was a step down from my walker. i also have a black 4 prong cane. and then my red/white tipped blind girl cane. but im not referring to those.

no, no. im referring to my PRETTY STICK. but you should already have one of those.

what do you mean, you don't? yes, you do. don't argue with me. i've seen it. and i promise, when i point out the obvious, ill be beating you with it, so get ready, k?    :)

you do realize that you're absolutely stunning right? and it doesn't matter if you're skin and bones or chubby? whether you're black as night or white as snow? you could have blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, gold eyes, two eyes, four eyes, one eye, no eyes... blonde hair, brown hair, red hair, no hair... you can have abs or flab... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

can't you see that?

the only thing that's making you ugly... is YOU. that's right. I SAID IT. you're allowing people to talk down to you. you're allowing negative people and negative thoughts to rent space in your head. STOP IT. raise the rent. evict them. take the trash out. YOU DESERVE MORE!


you know what else can be making you feel ugly? the way you're treating people. stop being mean. stop treating others like garbage. when you're mean to people, when  you bully others, when you are SELFISH instead of SELFLESS... you're creating an ugly soul... which brings outward ugly. and no one wants that. when you're beautiful inside, it makes you more beautiful and appealing outside.

stop comparing yourself to others. why would you want to be like everyone else? God created you just the way you are! there's no reason to follow the crowd. BE YOURSELF! be free! be creative! be fun. laugh. enjoy who YOU are. love YOU. be proud of YOU. look at all of the wonderfulness that YOU are. and let others love YOU, too.

so... how much harder to i need to hit you with that pretty stick?