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Thursday, July 24, 2014


well... i wasn't sure that i was going to blog about this. i was pretty sure that i was going to keep this one under wraps because quite frankly... i didn't think anyone would care. still not too sure that anyone is going to but... because i'm not happy with the way it was handled i'm going to open my mouth. 

do you know what i was doing three weeks ago? 

i had a bottle of pills in my hand and i was going to swallow them. 

i wanted to end my life. 

i texted three people and told them i wanted to end it all. i told them that i was to the point where i wanted to take all of my pain meds and end it all. 

and how was it handled? 

no one responded. well, one did. he texted me as soon as he got on his break. but all he said was NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! and then NICCI? to make sure i was still there. 

my other friends? one was sleeping and messaged me the next afternoon with, that's not a good solution. come visit. 

the other one? I MESSAGED HER. the next day because i needed someone. anyone. her phone was dead and she didn't think i was serious. and she didn't know what to say. 

the other one didn't know what to say.

so let's just stay silent right?

so you're probably wondering why i'm still here. right? i honestly didn't think that i had enough pills to go through it and then my mom walked in on my sobbing hysterically and then i just lost it on her when she wrapped her arms around me with:

i'm don't want to be sick anymore. when am i gonna be better? i should be better already! i just wanna die! i'm all alone! no one cares about me! why am i all alone? why did everyone leave me? why am i still sick? why did god do this to me? 

and a lot more, i just don't remember. 

but it was a very dark place.

but really. let's just not say anything or not talk about it because it doesn't matter or should be swept under the rug, right? 



suicide should NEVER be taken lightly. ESPECIALLY when you know that the person struggles with depression and has struggled with suicidal ideations before. it's not a joke and should NEVER be treated as such. 

you should have called my mom. or my sister. come on, man. 

how would yoi'm still u have felt if you had gotten the call the next day, Nicole's dead. and you were just like... i thought she was kidding? you would've felt like shit. 

i struggle with this stuff more than i'd like to. sometimes i'm tempted to cover up my ' you cannot be replaced' tattoo because honestly? can i really not be replaced? sometimes i doubt that. i really do. 

cushings has given me the worst depression. it really sucks and i struggle with it all the time. and the darkness comes and washes over me out of nowhere. and it's like i can't see the stars. i get sucked into the abyss and i'm just drowning. when i reach out to you, i'm not doing it because i want to. i'm doing it because i need to. 

sometimes i don't know who i can rely on. sometimes i don't even think i can rely on myself. :(

thank god for my mom, though. 

suicide isn't something to mess around with. i don't take it lightly. i've lost people to suicide and when i say i want to end my life, I WANT TO END MY LIFE. 

there are things i could tell you that would make you cry, if you knew what i was thinking. you'd be like, but you seem so happy.

do you have ANY idea as to what this disease has done to me? any clue at all? every day i'm fighting for my life. 

i may have received my cure, but i'm nowhere near where i need to be. i'm still not able to work. not able to go back to school. not able to run around and be free. i'm still taking baby steps and it sucks. do i try and see the positive side to life? always, but i have no control over when the darkness comes. and the fact that i'm alone in this doesn't help. you can say i'm not. but you're not fighting this with me. more than likely, you're one of the people that's left me high and dry. 

my point in this, is to not stay silent. NEVER stay silent. if someone is hurting, and they are coming to you, always say something. you never know how much you are going to be helping them. your words may be little and seem insignificant to you, but they will mean the world to someone else. 

no matter how much i am struggling, i will ALWAYS be there for my friends. ALWAYS. know that you can ALWAYS come to me. even if you're one of the few strangers that happens to come across my blog, if you need someone to talk to, if you're struggling, message me. i will listen. i may not understand what you are going through, but i promise you, i will be there. 

mental illness is made to be silenced and i'm sick of it. it should be talked about. what are we afraid of? just because it's not cancer? or aids? so what? TALK ABOUT IT!!! depression is real and it's happening. it should not be ignored, nor should the people who have it be ignored. if it were treated correctly, more lives would be saved. 

we lost a life in the cushings community a few weeks back because she couldn't handle the depression and being sick anymore so she jumped off a roof. it's not right that we get dismissed. doctors don't seem to realize how bad it gets for us. how dark it gets. depression is real in the cushings community and we need to band together and help each other out. we need our friends and our families to be there for us and help pull us out of the darkness. we need to feel unconditional love. we need to know that we are not alone. and let me tell you something, we feel COMPLETELY alone. no matter how many of you say you are there for us, you really need to prove it to us. and one slip up is going to make us doubt you. and you can't hold that against us. we're so used to being let down and hurting that it's just going to be one more thing in our dark world that we're going to be like, seriously? et tu, brute? that's what it'll feel like. and you can say it shouldn't be like that. and maybe you're right. but until you've lived this life, you can't judge us and can't tell us how to feel or what to do or how to act or how to be. 

take us seriously. 
listen to our cries for help. 
be there for us.