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Monday, June 26, 2017

Have you ever?

This started out as a private journal entry... but... then this happened. My mind just started going a bunch of places I didn't like tonight/2am so I thought I should get it out before I had a night like the last. We'll see if it works. I think I need to get back into the blogosphere. I can't let the dementors win. I just can't.

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Have you ever stopped to think about how much of yourself you've given up for other people? How much of yourself you've lost, parts of yourself you'll never get back, for your friends?

I have.

I didn't mean to.

But I am tonight.

So many sacrifices I've made these last 7 years.
Hell.
Much longer than that.
And what do I have to show for it?
Where are those people?
They only exist in my minds eye now.

Have they all forgotten?
Did I imagine all of it? Was it all a dream?
Because it seems as though I'm living in a nightmare now.

So many things I've sacrificed for myself
Experiences I'll never get back
Because it's too late
Not only am I by myself
But I'm broken
Beautifully broken
But broken nonetheless.

Life is harder now.

And the ones I moved mountains for wouldn't even pick up a pebble for me.

What kind of world do we live in
When friendship is about what we can take
And not what we can give?
When a friendship isn't a one-way street where you walk side by side,
But a race to see who can do better than who.

Why aren't we helping each other?
Lifting each other up?
And if this is a race
Why not run it together?

Why am I the only one still on the street?

My heart is aching tonight.
I wish you could understand.
But you can't.
You won't.
You never did.
You just wanted a savior.
A hero.
So that's what I became.

Until you struck me with kryptonite.

Like a Phoenix I rose.
And I'll continue to rise.

I just wish you knew.
You hurt me.
So
So much.

I gave so much for you.
Lost so much.
I don't know if I'll ever find those pieces.

Do I look?
Do I forget?
Do I try something new?
So many questions.
So much xanax.

Have you ever stopped to think? I have.