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Thursday, May 30, 2013


i feel like i should blog today, but i really don't know what to say, but i'm good at randomness and not shutting up so... i'm sure i can find something :)

i woke up in a really bad mood. probably because of the dream i had. it wasn't a good one. it was about a friend abusing a kid. and probably bc the kid's been abused before and i worry about him. so i woke up ready to punch someone in the face. but i'm having a really good hair day. i have beach curls because i didn't blow it out, i just let it dry and i had pt today and that went well. the swelling went down in my ankle a little. it doesn't hurt so much to walk on it, so that's a plus. and i had some chocolate and i talked to my twinny so things are starting to look up.

i spent the weekend with the wifey, which always makes me feel better. i didn't get to spend as much time as i would have liked to there because i wasn't feeling well, but she understood. she's always so understanding. her and her hubs are the best. we had italian food, i got to be in a parade with her, we went to 3 bbqs, we had Sunday dinner with her folks, aside from me getting cushingy, it was great and much needed. we drank. we giggled ALOT... THE BEST! and? she's taking me and my mom to meet my specialist in july. i'm telling you. she's perfect. and a few days after that we're going to medieval times. holla! and my best guy is going to try and come with us. what a crazy weekend that will be! the four of us? oh lawdy lawdy!

friday i spent the DAY AND NIGHT with my best guy. we saw epic. we went back to my house and hung out. he met my sisters puppy. i was surprised with a gift from the popcorn factory from my aunt and uncle. then we went to dinner and then we went and saw hangover 3- which wasn't that great. and then we sat in my car for an hour and a half and talked. and i cried a little bit because i talked about some really emotional things that i'd been bottling up. but it was a GREAT day.

thursday my baby brother graduated college! i'm so proud of him. he did so well. he's really proud of himself, as he should be! we took a really nice family picture, too. not in his cap and gown of course, because the dope took it off and returned it before we got the chance! *sigh* boys. eh well. what can ya do?

so... that was my weekend. and i've been feeling craptastic. OH! i had my food stamps appeal hearing. what's that you ask? well, they decreased my fs because i'm on disability and they cut my medicaid. so, i wanted to appeal it bc i didn't think that was right. i knew nothing was really going to change, but i wanted my voice heard. someone needs to speak for the disabled, bc to get fs now, you have to be knocked up or have kids. if you're sick or old it doesn't matter and that's not right. old people need help. sick people need help. i need help. so, i opened my mouth. when they did my calculations, i'm actually due more than i'm getting, but my caseworker sucks and when i submitted the paperwork, she never entered it into the computer! THIS IS WHY I SPEAK UP! ugh. ANYWAYYYY... turns out, i'm eligible for the state to pay for my medicare deductible, too! soo... i'm being sent paperwork to fill out so they can do that, AND i'll get back pay because AGAIN my caseworker didn't give me the forms to fill out when i had asked her about it MONTHS ago! so, i could either accept less fs and take the medicare payout or take a bit more fs... i think we know which i'm taking! i'd rather have my healthcare paid for and i'll just stick with what i'm getting. at least my voice was heard. that's what i really wanted. talk about good news!
my mom bugged me to check my email to see if my dr sent me anything. i didn't want to. so she checked hers bc she emailed him about how terrible i've been feeling and how much worse i'd been getting. bc i've been getting worse, i just haven't been talking about it. i've been sleeping more, my muscles are weaker. i've been falling. my headaches are coming back with a vengeance. i'm having crying spells. fits of rage. a rounder face. my clothes aren't fitting right. i'm getting dizzy while laying down. dizzy standing up. not sleeping at night. hot flashes. freezing. stomach pains. you name it, i got it. it's like i just had surgery. so, i checked my email. and sure enough, my salivary tests came back high! i knew they would. i don't know how high they came back, but they were high enough to bother him to say, you definitely have cushings and i want you back on your medication. THANK FREAKING GOD! i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am to 1. be rediagnosed and 2. be back on my meds! i know they're not going to work right away, but at least i'm going to see SOME relief at some point! cheese and rice THERE IS SUNSHINE TO MY DARK SKIES!!! just had to be patient. and patient i have been. bitchy, but patient :)
i am kinda bummed because i couldn't even go to therapy because i felt so awful. i'm really over feeling so terrible. i'd like to see my therapist again. i really would. she's so awesome, she said that she'd see me spontaneously. all i have to do is text her on a day i'm feeling good and she'll work with me. how awesome is she?

i'm going to a concert tomorrow with bina. my lovey got us tickets to summer smash so we're gonna see carly rae jepsen, 3OH!3, emblem 3 and cher lloyd. do i know these people? nope. well, i know who the first two are. kind of. but it should be fun. i love concerts. and i love my bina. and i love my girl who got me these tickets. it's gonna cheer me up. and i think i can convince bina to go for fume for dinna. that'll be nice.

hmm... what else... this blog is probably boring you. but whatever

i'm glad adam levine doesn't really hate america. and i'm glad judith hill got voted off the voice. i'm sorry. but she sang back up for michael jackson. she has a career. leave. give it to someone else!

speaking of adam levine... maroon 5 and kelly clarkson in september! woot woot!

apparently i'm pretty awesome. some girl, well, she's my friend now, found me on twitter and she's from the UK and she's struggling with possibly having cushings and getting a diagnosis. we've become good buddies and i'm helping her fight to stay above water and to keep going. it's a bitch this disease, it really is. but i've made some incredible friends along the way and i wouldn't trade them for the world. i have my dawniekins who i can go to at any time of day with anything and she's there for me no matter what. she sometimes knows things before twinny does. but twinny always finds out. i usually text them at the same time, lol. but she's super amazing and i'm so grateful that i got flown to san fran last year and got to meet her. and then there's bernadette, whom i also met in san fran, who apparently grew up 20 minutes away from me. granted, she's older than me and went to my RIVAL school district, freaking bear, but we've become really close, too and i love it. she gives me good cushie advice and she's living in florida now, but she's going to be moving back up here and i'm gonna have a cushiesis HERE! how awesome is that?! and then there's my stevie. my lovely, lovely stevie. whom i adore so so much and i just want to wrap my arms around and hug the crap outta her! she's so cute and sweet and don't piss her off because she'll stomp on you. we've had some of the same symptoms. so we can share the journey. i think she's cured though, she just has the recurrence of symptoms, because it takes 7 years for a FULL on cure. lovely right? and then there's my instagram crew- Rachel and Jerry and Alicia. They're awesome and we're all supporting each other as much as we can. It's a good time. This disease is evil but we're making it together. We hold each other up and fight. we get pissed off together, get mad at each others doctors, suggest things to ask the doctors, give each other advice, it's good. i like having a support system. i mean, my friends here are great, but they don't get it. and part of me is glad that they don't because i wouldn't wish this on anyone.

haha. sisterwives for hanson. i love my lissa. she's crazy.

they're closing down my elementary school. that's depressing. the school board says they don't have the money to keep it open. i loved that school. the district is goin to crap though. at least that's what i'm hearing. it makes me sad. but, what can ya do? i heard that one guy stood up to the other board members, a really stand up guy, too. he's always been awesome so, that made me happy.

i think now i'm just talking just to talk. so... i'll end with this.

this is my beautiful family at my brother's graduation. and yeah, that's my awesome boot for my sprained ankle. i tried out the aircast today, though :)

be blessed my readers!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

the girl in the mirror

who is this girl i see, staring straight back at me?

do you know? because lord knows, i don't have a fucking clue anymore.

i was originally going to just type in my journal entry from last night into this blog... but... i don't know that i can get THAT personal with y'all but... who knows what's about to flow out of me...

i don't know who i am anymore. i don't recognize myself. the girl i see... isn't the fresh-faced, pretty, happy-go-lucky, sunshiney, positivity princess that i once was. nono, the girl that I see is a monster. she had sad eyes. she has a hard time smiling, a hard time laughing. she's dark. she's filled with negative thoughts. she's ugly. she wants to hide away. she wants to runaway. she doesn't trust anyone. she feels disgusting. she hates alot of things. she looks in mirrors and at times just wants to put her fist through them, or cover them with scarves. taking selfies? yeah. that rarely happens.

i was looking at pictures of myself from 2012, when i was on my Cushings medication and i feel like... then i was prettier. then i didn't look like this. then i was happier. then i didn't feel like such a waste. maybe it's because i'm going on two fucking years since my radiation and NOTHING has changed. ok, the tumor is gone, but there are still cells secreting cortisol and i'm NOT getting better. if anything i'm starting to go back downhill. my face is rounding up again. my stria is coming back. my weight is starting to go up. my depression got so bad i had to start medication. my joints are weakening to the point where this is the SECOND time i've fucked up this ankle. and this time i think it's actually worse because it's going on two weeks and i STILL can't walk on it. i mean, i'm trying to walk on it but it hurts like a bitch. i feel so alone, so completely alone and you can say i'm not but it doesn't really matter does it? because my feelings are my feelings. so validate them. or don't whatever. i don't care.

it's gotten to the point where, i don't necessarily want to go out in public because i don't want people to see me. i don't want people to have to look at me. because that's how gross i feel. since when did i become my 10 year old self?
i'm throwing around the idea of NOT going to one of my dearest friends wedding because i don't want to ruin her wedding photos. i don't want people to look at me and be disgusted.
who is this person talking? who am i? when did i become this? when did this become me? where did all of this come from?!?!?!?!?

i fucking hate you cushings. i hate hate HATE YOU.

or me. maybe i hate me.

i hate what it's done to me, what it's doing to me. what every day does to me. every day that there's no answer. every day that there's no cure. every day is another day that i'm stuck in limbo that i'm stuck that i'm in this body that i'm this person that i don't know... that i'm this person who just... just sucks.

who is this girl in the mirror? when did i become so dreadful? this disease seems to get worse and worse every day. i'm learning more about it and hating it more every day.

there was a time when i chose not to know anything about it. i wanted to be surprised by what was happening to me. i thought, if i didn't know what was coming, i couldn't be afraid of it and i couldn't know more than my doctors. well, guess what. i'm freaking educated now and i'm starting to think i know more than my doctors because no one has answers. i'm glad i'm going to see a different specialist in july. it sucks that i have to wait so long, but apparently he's worked with a lot of cushings patients. he better tell me 1.that he's giving me medication or 2. that i need surgery. something is going to fix me. or i'm going to fix my fucking self. i will call that dr out in california that everyone's always talking about and make him see me. or i'll find my way to the mayo clinic. i'm not going to stop because i want to look in the mirror and like who i see. i want to recognize that person.

there was a time where i thought i was beautiful. where i had a light in my eyes. where i'd take a bajillion pictures of myself. i did take a few pictures of myself the other night because i couldn't sleep. i looked at them yesterday and almost got sick to my stomach. since when did i become so vain? i miss the girl i was when i was in california. i want to be the girl who'd go to karaoke and sing the song my friends wanted me to sing. i sang lion king songs for crying out loud. hell, i made huey sing a sonny and cher song with me because i was mad at him so i signed him up for it behind his back to make ME feel better. and it worked. i miss ME. where the hell did i go?

i hate feeling like this. the self-loathing. i just had frozen yogurt and now i feel like i just gained 500lbs.  or that my face just ballooned. and the sad thing? i sometimes eat breakfast and i eat dinner. that's it. that's what i eat.why? because with cushings we have NO appetite! we are fat anorexics. at least when i didn't have a fucked up ankle i could work out and at least not feel so disgusting. but no. cushings makes my balance suck so down i went and now i can barely walk. so i sit with my legs up in the air, and i just sounded like a whore, watching tv. today i at least made cushings awareness bracelets.

i never thought i'd feel this way again. never ever.

i only ever had one boyfriend make me feel like this. ugly that is. i mean, i dated some real assholes, but they never made me feel unpretty. they made me feel worthless, and not good enough, but always beautiful. i know that doesn't make any sense, but in my head it does. i was always hott and just torn down. but there were also times where i felt above them, like i was dating down. and in fact, i dated beneath me alot. i guess that's just what i was trained to think i deserved. when you're talked down to for as long as i was, you just start accepting less. and now that i'm not settling... well... i won't settle for anything less than being someone's sun and moon. and i know what i deserve. which is why i walked away from the most recent scum of the earth. he was a looneytune and beneath me. do i sound like a bitch? well, too bad. it's true. i deserve someone who's gonna be there and be true and HONEST and alot of things, alot of things that he wasn't. so, why settle? NO ONE should settle. i see too many people settle and get treated like shit and then i think, hmm... i bet that's what people were thinking when they saw me with x,y and z...

and yet here i am talking about hating myself. but i don't think i really hate myself. i hate what's going on within myself and what's been happening to me. and what's not happening to me. i'd like answers. i'd really like answers...

i know i'm in there somewhere. i'm just lost.

can anybody find me? please? because i don't know where i went. and i miss me. i miss me alot.

i think i looked better with the bolts in my head...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

happy unmothers day

remember in alice in wonderland, the cartoon, where they sing the 'happy unbirthday' song? well, i've been singing the same thing, just 'happy unmothers day'. or i was. on saturday night. and sunday. and a little bit yesterday. but yesterday i was a basketcase for a list of other reasons.

so... mother's day. oy. let me first start out by saying that i have the best mom in the world. i don't know that i'd be as strong as i am without her. she taught me not to take anyone's shit. she taught me to power through. i have close blood running through my veins, which makes me stubborn and tempermental but it also makes me proud. my mom's amazing and i'm blessed to have her in my life. she's been taking care of me for almost 30 years now. when i got sick she was there, she's still there and she's just awesomesauce.

but for me, and for many other cushies, mother's day sucks. we can't have kids and it's a reminder of what we can't do. something that was stolen from us because of this damn disease.

barren. empty. dark. sad. infertility.

thanks cushings. thanks a lot.

so many women say that the gift of life is the greatest gift of all. i don't think so. i think it's the gift of love. look at all the women out there who adopt because they can't have kids. are you gonna tell me that they're any less of a mother because they didn't give birth to that child? fuck you if you think so. because i can list some pretty shitastic birthmoms if you wanted me to.

i don't deal well with mother's day. or mother's or new moms or babies. i really don't. i've been struggling ALOT with this lately. i didn't a year ago. it was hard at first, when i first found out. it was like someone kicked me in the stomach, but i did the typical nicole thing and swept it under the rug and chose not to deal with it. and then baby charlie was born, and he was a miracle baby. angie faced such obstacles while giving birth. and then he got sick. but our little fighter made it. and then almost a year ago sammy was born. and he just blessed my life so much. twinny gave birth to the perfect baby. he's perfect. he's a beast, but he's perfect. his initials are SC, same as my grandpas, and his birthday is the day after... and i know my grandpa is a part of his life, which is pretty cool because he's a part of our lives. i didn't have a problem then. every now and again it would hurt but not like this. mother's day didn't even really bother me. but since... january maybe? it's been rough. really rough. maybe february. one of those winter months. i just can't stand pregnant people. or babies. or the thought of it. it makes me sick. and sad. and angry. and sad. and i just don't want to be around them or talk to them or think about any of it. and it's not like they're rubbing it in my face. it's not like anyone knows what i'm going through. well, i'm lying. two people, well three but he's a fucking piece of shit so i don't count him. i told two people, not including my therapist and my mom, what i've been going through and they've been super supportive and loving and they've been trying to understand. they have kids. so they haven't been pushing me to spend time with their kids, which is nice, but THEIR kids don't bother me. it's everyone elses kids. does that make sense? it's so weird.

alot of people are pregnant this year. i say congratulations, because i AM happy for them, i just don't want to be around them. and for the most part, i don't have to be. why? because they're all on facebook and let's be honest, how many of our fb friends do we actually spend time with? i just scroll past the preggo posts and the pictures so i don't have to see them. if that sounds awful, then it sounds awful but it hurts me. i'm not jealous. i just... you don't know what it's like to have your life taken from you. i can't see. i can't smell. i can't work. i can't have kids. i keep falling and breaking bones. i can't volunteer because i busted my ankle. i can't go anywhere. i don't see anyone unless someone comes to the house. i feel like a freaking waste of life. you don't know what it's like to be me, so don't judge me. or go ahead and judge me. and if i'm offending you, too bad. get over it.

this is going to sound terrible, but i'm thankful to have friends who know what it is i'm going through. it makes it less lonely. not everyone understands cushings, but this whole infertility thing is alot less rare so more women understand it and share in my sadness. one day it won't hurt so bad. but until then, it fucking sucks.

this whole depression thing is what brought it to surface. when you're depressed EVERYTHING comes back to haunt you. and i mean EVERYTHING. things i thought were dead and buried were resurrected. i really thought this whole infertility thing was gone but no. i didn't even realize that it was bothering me so much until my mom pointed it out to me. i had to deal with a baby shower and the whole thing was making me physically ill. i'm not exaggerating either, i really thought i was going to throw up when i thought about it. my anxiety was so bad i had to take my anxiety meds to get through the night! i ended up not going, thank freaking god. i never would've survived the damn thing, especially because of the cuntwhores that were there. seriously. why would i want to surround myself with people who made a POINT of making my life hell? really? especially with everything that i was dealing with. that's a negative.

this is off topic, but i'm trying not to sink back into that depression again. my meds are working, but i'm stuck. this busted ankle is killing me. i have to stay off of it so i can't go anywhere. can't volunteer because i can't walk. i have to keep it elevated. it still hurts like a bitch. i didn't get the answers i wanted yesterday at the endos. he's sending me for more tests and a second opinion before we make a decision, which i guess is a good thing because i'd rather he be 100% sure about surgery before just sending me off to surgery. idk. i'm just blah.

so to my girls who can't have kids. to my girls who are single and think they're running out of time- fuck that shit. you don't need a man. when it's meant to be, it will be. you don't need to settle for some whackass bozo. you deserve to be someone's sun and moon. i'm sitting here and i'm watching girls settle and take less than they deserve. why? because they don't want to be alone maybe? i don't know. but it makes me sad for them, but happy for me. i'd rather be single than settle! God has bigger plans for you. and we're all gonna be ok. i know we can't have kids, but... i have a dog. and while he's not doing so well, i know he loves me. and there's always adoption. the greatest gift is love, and i'll just keep on loving people. i don't hate babies or pregnant people, but i will keep ignoring their posts until i can handle it. i am happy for them, it's just not helping me.

so don't think i hate you. or babies. or you. i'm happy for you. i just can't talk about it. and that's ok. and if you can't understand that then, maybe we're not as good of friends as you think we are. and then maybe you need to step back. i need people in my life who are going to be understanding. and if it sounds like 'it's all about me'. well, then... maybe it is. eventually i'll be able to deal with it. i just can't right now. and if you think about it, it's never been about me. but now... it is. so happy nicole's day.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

starships were meant to flyyy

let's go to the beach, each 
let's go get away, they say, what they gonna say?

oh right. i remember. that i shouldn't have been enjoying my life. that i shouldn't go to the beach. that i didn't deserve to.
fuck you talkin about i don't deserve to or that i shouldn't be goin to the beach. i almost died bitch. i deserve to go to the beach now more than ever!

*sigh* what am i talking about? i sound kinda crazy right? i kinda am crazy, if you haven't been paying attention...

anyway. if you know anything about me or my past, you know i'm a shorewhore. i live for the beach and the way it makes me feel and it's healing powers. it doesn't hurt that i have family that lives down the shore either and i pretty much have free room and board. i have friends down there, i pretty much have a whole nother life down there. so anyway, i was always going down there, just about every other weekend, before i got sick, before all this bullshit started. and then, then i had my first brain surgery. and we all went for my 27th birthday. me, my parents and my brother and sister. and those bitches from my office had the nerve to talk shit about how i shouldn't be at the beach how i shouldn't be doin shit. really? i almost died. i'm gonna recover the best way i know how! seriously. talk shit on me when ya'll fuckin abandoned me in my time of need. get the fuck outta here. and then, a few months later, before i was going to have my second surgery, i spent time down the shore with my cousins, to prepare myself to calm myself down. but wait, i shouldn't have done that either because godforfreakinbid i take time for me. i enjoy me. i do something for ME. yeah, i'm sick. and yeah, my life sucks at times, hell, most of the time it takes alot for me to get out of bed, but i'm doing it. so let the bitches talk shit and talk shit they did. my goodness. work was hell for me when i tried to go back. my drs signed me out. if they hadn't, i probably would've gotten fired because they made it so difficult for me to come back to. and i wanted to go back and i tried so hard. but seriously? try going back after brain surgery, with a brain tumor still in there, still not fully recovered, with cushings, without the support of your coworkers, with people whispering behind your back, with the negativity, with your body screaming, and walking into things and people making you feel bad because you're partially blind now, and people leaving things in the middle of the floor and no one being considerate and them not making it handicap accessible for you and... i could go on and on and on... i'm fortunate enough to have had a wonderful lawyer and to have won my disability case because there's no way i could work now. i've pushed myself to my limits this week and i have no idea how i'm still functioning right now. my legs are screaming. my back is on fire. thursday i had a headache that wouldn't quit- i was practically in a tylenol induced coma. cushings fucking sucks. 

you're probably wondering what stemmed this wonderful bloggityblog. i haven't been well enough to go to the shore since last july. well, mom and i booked a mini-getaway for june and we're going to the beach so i'm saying fuck you to whomever wants to bitch that i'm going. because i'm going. and i'm going to enjoy the hell out of the ocean waves, the sand between my toes, the ocean sunsets, the love of my family and the amazing pool at my favorite hotel, oh and my favorite breakfast spot. 

i'm fighting death all the time. every day. medically speaking i SHOULD be dead. i'm a walking miracle so guess what? i'm going to the beach each, let's go get away. they say, what they gonna say?... they better be sayin have a good time because this starship was meant to fly. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

save a life

a new battle.

it's more than just being sad.

and don't just say, this too shall pass. don't tell me to get over it. don't tell me to stay strong. i'm really getting sick of hearing that.

i almost killed myself in march. almost. the reason i didn't? i didn't want to ruin my brothers graduation.

i'm so fucking sick of being sick. i was sleeping 16-17 hours a day. i wasn't speaking to anyone. i wasn't going anywhere. wasn't having visitors. and it wasn't just in march. it was january. and february, too.

do you know what it's like? to feel so completely hopeless that all you can see or feel is darkness? that there is no light at the end of the tunnel? i could barely lift my head off the pillow. all i wanted to do was sleep the day away. and when i was awake i would count down the hours to when i could go back to bed. and showering? it made me dizzy and out of breath. i hated it. i hated everything and everyone. i felt so alone. so incredibly alone, like no one understood. and no one really does understand. until you're faced with a life threatening illness that steals your life away from you, that makes your life hard to live, that kills your hormones and just sucks? i tried to not let it happen, but it feels like cushings became me. i tried to not let it happen, but it did.

my surgeries didn't work. and i had three of them, THREE BRAIN SURGERIES. and now i'm probably looking at another surgery because i still 'have active cushings'. i won't know about that until my next endo appt in a few weeks, and then we won't even be sure because he wants me to get a second opinion.

but anyway. back to this depression thing. it's more than just sadness. it's a feeling of hopelessness. like nothing is going to get better. that nothing matters. that no one matters. that the world would be better off without you. that you serve no purpose. that there is no meaning to your life. that there is no meaning to anything. that nothing matters. that you don't matter. and it sucks.

one of the side effects of cushings disease is depression. and it sucks. i fought it for so long, alot of you are probably saying, why now? she's so strong. blah blah freaking blah. honestly, i couldn't tell you. it just kinda hit me. i had a lot to be angry about. alot i had been holding inside of me and not dealing with and then it all came to surface. and when you have no pituitary gland... it makes things alot harder to deal with.

another notsofun side effect of cushings is the anxiety. and the anxiety mixed with the depression sucks. while i was super depressed i was self-medicating. i was in more pain, so i was hopped up on pain killers, and since my anxiety was in full effect, i was taking my anti-anxiety meds, which are downers. so... i was in essence putting myself into a deeper depression.

my surgeries, my two sinus surgeries, did more damage than good. the first one caused me so much pain and then i had complications so i had to have a second surgery. and then i had to heal from that. cushings makes everything more complicated and take longer.

this disease fucking sucks.

so... i am now on antidepressants. it took me quite a long time to finally agree to be on them because i didn't want to feel like i was crazy or that i needed the help, but it's better than wanting to end my own life. she may have to increase it because the crying spells are coming back. sometimes they just come out of nowhere.

i hate this disease. i really do.

i have been getting better, with the depression. i no longer want to end my life. i haven't been sleeping 16-17 hours a day. i've been trying to keep busy. i've been trying to talk to people, i've even been exercising every day with my mom. the warm weather has been helping. i have seasonal depression so the cold weather wasn't doing much for's a tough battle. it's not a joke. and i used to think that it wasn't a big deal but boy was i wrong.

so... before you just think that someone who says they're depressed can just 'get over it', think again. they probably need you. or if someone who used to be bubbly and bouncy becomes withdrawn and sullen... maybe there's something wrong and MAYBE you should try and be there for them. idk TRY to listen to them. AND if someone tries to open up to you, why don't you listen to them instead of brushing them off? if you're claiming to be their friend and claiming to be there for them no matter what, you DO NOT brush them off when they start to open up to you. when you do brush them off, change the subject or ignore them... you're going to lose their trust and love and respect and they will stop caring about you. trust me. i have a friend who completely brushed me off when i tried to open up to them and now? i barely speak to them. don't tell me you're gonna fucking be there for me no matter what and then when it comes down to it you're not because you're life is more important than the fact that i was about to take my own life. so when that happened, i said fuck it. i obviously am not that important to said friend so, i went silent. or, more silent than i had gone. it's one thing to SAY you care, it's another thing to SHOW it.

i guess i've also been thinking of that whole, i'm almost 30 and where am i really? i'm sick. woofreakinhoo. this was not a part of my life plan. nono. i would've been working in my career and married by now. but no. that's not in the cards. i'm stuck with this disease. but then... i can look around, and see people who aren't as accomplished as i am who are my age or older and who aren't sick who are just, well... idk what they are. but i've had a career. and i have a new life plan for when i'm cured and i will be. one day.

i've also been worrying about the brain tumor growing back. and whether or not i can be cured. and if i'm going to need another surgery. this bla (bilateral adrenalectomy) comes with side effects, like the possibility of nelsons syndrome, and then i'll have to be on a replacement steroid for the rest of my life. i'm not even 30 years old yet. i'm too young for this shit.

this past week 1/2  has been so incredibly emotional, i have no idea how i've been able to hold it together. i guess that's why i've been biting back tears. next time, i'm just going to let them flow because i'm sick of holding it all together.

every day is a battle. and i'm gonna win. i always win. but those first few months were rough. and lonely and scary. and i wouldn't wish them on anyone. ever.

if you don't know how to help a sick friend, just be there for them. and if they tell you they don't want anything from you, just don't give up on them. if you can't handle their illness, maybe you shouldn't be around them because you're not the kind of friend that they need.

click the above link for tips on how to be there for a sick friend. i have a few of the greatest friends in the world. they didn't leave my side. ivory, amanda, christine... amazing. hell, amanda drove up from indiana and didn't tell me and showed up at my doorstep.

i'm very much looking forward to next weekend when i'm with christine again. getting the hell outta the pocs.

i don't remember where i was going with this blog but... depression isn't an easy battle to fight so don't just brush someone off who's fighting it. be there for them. if someone says they want to end their life, take them seriously. offer them help. hold their hand. hug them. send a card. send flowers. suggest a movie. do something. ANYTHING. save their life.