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Saturday, May 18, 2013

the girl in the mirror

who is this girl i see, staring straight back at me?

do you know? because lord knows, i don't have a fucking clue anymore.

i was originally going to just type in my journal entry from last night into this blog... but... i don't know that i can get THAT personal with y'all but... who knows what's about to flow out of me...

i don't know who i am anymore. i don't recognize myself. the girl i see... isn't the fresh-faced, pretty, happy-go-lucky, sunshiney, positivity princess that i once was. nono, the girl that I see is a monster. she had sad eyes. she has a hard time smiling, a hard time laughing. she's dark. she's filled with negative thoughts. she's ugly. she wants to hide away. she wants to runaway. she doesn't trust anyone. she feels disgusting. she hates alot of things. she looks in mirrors and at times just wants to put her fist through them, or cover them with scarves. taking selfies? yeah. that rarely happens.

i was looking at pictures of myself from 2012, when i was on my Cushings medication and i feel like... then i was prettier. then i didn't look like this. then i was happier. then i didn't feel like such a waste. maybe it's because i'm going on two fucking years since my radiation and NOTHING has changed. ok, the tumor is gone, but there are still cells secreting cortisol and i'm NOT getting better. if anything i'm starting to go back downhill. my face is rounding up again. my stria is coming back. my weight is starting to go up. my depression got so bad i had to start medication. my joints are weakening to the point where this is the SECOND time i've fucked up this ankle. and this time i think it's actually worse because it's going on two weeks and i STILL can't walk on it. i mean, i'm trying to walk on it but it hurts like a bitch. i feel so alone, so completely alone and you can say i'm not but it doesn't really matter does it? because my feelings are my feelings. so validate them. or don't whatever. i don't care.

it's gotten to the point where, i don't necessarily want to go out in public because i don't want people to see me. i don't want people to have to look at me. because that's how gross i feel. since when did i become my 10 year old self?
i'm throwing around the idea of NOT going to one of my dearest friends wedding because i don't want to ruin her wedding photos. i don't want people to look at me and be disgusted.
who is this person talking? who am i? when did i become this? when did this become me? where did all of this come from?!?!?!?!?

i fucking hate you cushings. i hate hate HATE YOU.

or me. maybe i hate me.

i hate what it's done to me, what it's doing to me. what every day does to me. every day that there's no answer. every day that there's no cure. every day is another day that i'm stuck in limbo that i'm stuck that i'm in this body that i'm this person that i don't know... that i'm this person who just... just sucks.

who is this girl in the mirror? when did i become so dreadful? this disease seems to get worse and worse every day. i'm learning more about it and hating it more every day.

there was a time when i chose not to know anything about it. i wanted to be surprised by what was happening to me. i thought, if i didn't know what was coming, i couldn't be afraid of it and i couldn't know more than my doctors. well, guess what. i'm freaking educated now and i'm starting to think i know more than my doctors because no one has answers. i'm glad i'm going to see a different specialist in july. it sucks that i have to wait so long, but apparently he's worked with a lot of cushings patients. he better tell me 1.that he's giving me medication or 2. that i need surgery. something is going to fix me. or i'm going to fix my fucking self. i will call that dr out in california that everyone's always talking about and make him see me. or i'll find my way to the mayo clinic. i'm not going to stop because i want to look in the mirror and like who i see. i want to recognize that person.

there was a time where i thought i was beautiful. where i had a light in my eyes. where i'd take a bajillion pictures of myself. i did take a few pictures of myself the other night because i couldn't sleep. i looked at them yesterday and almost got sick to my stomach. since when did i become so vain? i miss the girl i was when i was in california. i want to be the girl who'd go to karaoke and sing the song my friends wanted me to sing. i sang lion king songs for crying out loud. hell, i made huey sing a sonny and cher song with me because i was mad at him so i signed him up for it behind his back to make ME feel better. and it worked. i miss ME. where the hell did i go?

i hate feeling like this. the self-loathing. i just had frozen yogurt and now i feel like i just gained 500lbs.  or that my face just ballooned. and the sad thing? i sometimes eat breakfast and i eat dinner. that's it. that's what i eat.why? because with cushings we have NO appetite! we are fat anorexics. at least when i didn't have a fucked up ankle i could work out and at least not feel so disgusting. but no. cushings makes my balance suck so down i went and now i can barely walk. so i sit with my legs up in the air, and i just sounded like a whore, watching tv. today i at least made cushings awareness bracelets.

i never thought i'd feel this way again. never ever.

i only ever had one boyfriend make me feel like this. ugly that is. i mean, i dated some real assholes, but they never made me feel unpretty. they made me feel worthless, and not good enough, but always beautiful. i know that doesn't make any sense, but in my head it does. i was always hott and just torn down. but there were also times where i felt above them, like i was dating down. and in fact, i dated beneath me alot. i guess that's just what i was trained to think i deserved. when you're talked down to for as long as i was, you just start accepting less. and now that i'm not settling... well... i won't settle for anything less than being someone's sun and moon. and i know what i deserve. which is why i walked away from the most recent scum of the earth. he was a looneytune and beneath me. do i sound like a bitch? well, too bad. it's true. i deserve someone who's gonna be there and be true and HONEST and alot of things, alot of things that he wasn't. so, why settle? NO ONE should settle. i see too many people settle and get treated like shit and then i think, hmm... i bet that's what people were thinking when they saw me with x,y and z...

and yet here i am talking about hating myself. but i don't think i really hate myself. i hate what's going on within myself and what's been happening to me. and what's not happening to me. i'd like answers. i'd really like answers...

i know i'm in there somewhere. i'm just lost.

can anybody find me? please? because i don't know where i went. and i miss me. i miss me alot.

i think i looked better with the bolts in my head...

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