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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

happy unmothers day

remember in alice in wonderland, the cartoon, where they sing the 'happy unbirthday' song? well, i've been singing the same thing, just 'happy unmothers day'. or i was. on saturday night. and sunday. and a little bit yesterday. but yesterday i was a basketcase for a list of other reasons.

so... mother's day. oy. let me first start out by saying that i have the best mom in the world. i don't know that i'd be as strong as i am without her. she taught me not to take anyone's shit. she taught me to power through. i have close blood running through my veins, which makes me stubborn and tempermental but it also makes me proud. my mom's amazing and i'm blessed to have her in my life. she's been taking care of me for almost 30 years now. when i got sick she was there, she's still there and she's just awesomesauce.

but for me, and for many other cushies, mother's day sucks. we can't have kids and it's a reminder of what we can't do. something that was stolen from us because of this damn disease.

barren. empty. dark. sad. infertility.

thanks cushings. thanks a lot.

so many women say that the gift of life is the greatest gift of all. i don't think so. i think it's the gift of love. look at all the women out there who adopt because they can't have kids. are you gonna tell me that they're any less of a mother because they didn't give birth to that child? fuck you if you think so. because i can list some pretty shitastic birthmoms if you wanted me to.

anyway...
i don't deal well with mother's day. or mother's or new moms or babies. i really don't. i've been struggling ALOT with this lately. i didn't a year ago. it was hard at first, when i first found out. it was like someone kicked me in the stomach, but i did the typical nicole thing and swept it under the rug and chose not to deal with it. and then baby charlie was born, and he was a miracle baby. angie faced such obstacles while giving birth. and then he got sick. but our little fighter made it. and then almost a year ago sammy was born. and he just blessed my life so much. twinny gave birth to the perfect baby. he's perfect. he's a beast, but he's perfect. his initials are SC, same as my grandpas, and his birthday is the day after... and i know my grandpa is a part of his life, which is pretty cool because he's a part of our lives. i didn't have a problem then. every now and again it would hurt but not like this. mother's day didn't even really bother me. but since... january maybe? it's been rough. really rough. maybe february. one of those winter months. i just can't stand pregnant people. or babies. or the thought of it. it makes me sick. and sad. and angry. and sad. and i just don't want to be around them or talk to them or think about any of it. and it's not like they're rubbing it in my face. it's not like anyone knows what i'm going through. well, i'm lying. two people, well three but he's a fucking piece of shit so i don't count him. i told two people, not including my therapist and my mom, what i've been going through and they've been super supportive and loving and they've been trying to understand. they have kids. so they haven't been pushing me to spend time with their kids, which is nice, but THEIR kids don't bother me. it's everyone elses kids. does that make sense? it's so weird.

alot of people are pregnant this year. i say congratulations, because i AM happy for them, i just don't want to be around them. and for the most part, i don't have to be. why? because they're all on facebook and let's be honest, how many of our fb friends do we actually spend time with? i just scroll past the preggo posts and the pictures so i don't have to see them. if that sounds awful, then it sounds awful but it hurts me. i'm not jealous. i just... you don't know what it's like to have your life taken from you. i can't see. i can't smell. i can't work. i can't have kids. i keep falling and breaking bones. i can't volunteer because i busted my ankle. i can't go anywhere. i don't see anyone unless someone comes to the house. i feel like a freaking waste of life. you don't know what it's like to be me, so don't judge me. or go ahead and judge me. and if i'm offending you, too bad. get over it.

this is going to sound terrible, but i'm thankful to have friends who know what it is i'm going through. it makes it less lonely. not everyone understands cushings, but this whole infertility thing is alot less rare so more women understand it and share in my sadness. one day it won't hurt so bad. but until then, it fucking sucks.

this whole depression thing is what brought it to surface. when you're depressed EVERYTHING comes back to haunt you. and i mean EVERYTHING. things i thought were dead and buried were resurrected. i really thought this whole infertility thing was gone but no. i didn't even realize that it was bothering me so much until my mom pointed it out to me. i had to deal with a baby shower and the whole thing was making me physically ill. i'm not exaggerating either, i really thought i was going to throw up when i thought about it. my anxiety was so bad i had to take my anxiety meds to get through the night! i ended up not going, thank freaking god. i never would've survived the damn thing, especially because of the cuntwhores that were there. seriously. why would i want to surround myself with people who made a POINT of making my life hell? really? especially with everything that i was dealing with. that's a negative.

this is off topic, but i'm trying not to sink back into that depression again. my meds are working, but i'm stuck. this busted ankle is killing me. i have to stay off of it so i can't go anywhere. can't volunteer because i can't walk. i have to keep it elevated. it still hurts like a bitch. i didn't get the answers i wanted yesterday at the endos. he's sending me for more tests and a second opinion before we make a decision, which i guess is a good thing because i'd rather he be 100% sure about surgery before just sending me off to surgery. idk. i'm just blah.

so to my girls who can't have kids. to my girls who are single and think they're running out of time- fuck that shit. you don't need a man. when it's meant to be, it will be. you don't need to settle for some whackass bozo. you deserve to be someone's sun and moon. i'm sitting here and i'm watching girls settle and take less than they deserve. why? because they don't want to be alone maybe? i don't know. but it makes me sad for them, but happy for me. i'd rather be single than settle! God has bigger plans for you. and we're all gonna be ok. i know we can't have kids, but... i have a dog. and while he's not doing so well, i know he loves me. and there's always adoption. the greatest gift is love, and i'll just keep on loving people. i don't hate babies or pregnant people, but i will keep ignoring their posts until i can handle it. i am happy for them, it's just not helping me.

so don't think i hate you. or babies. or you. i'm happy for you. i just can't talk about it. and that's ok. and if you can't understand that then, maybe we're not as good of friends as you think we are. and then maybe you need to step back. i need people in my life who are going to be understanding. and if it sounds like 'it's all about me'. well, then... maybe it is. eventually i'll be able to deal with it. i just can't right now. and if you think about it, it's never been about me. but now... it is. so happy nicole's day.

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