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Friday, May 3, 2013

save a life

a new battle.

it's more than just being sad.

and don't just say, this too shall pass. don't tell me to get over it. don't tell me to stay strong. i'm really getting sick of hearing that.

i almost killed myself in march. almost. the reason i didn't? i didn't want to ruin my brothers graduation.

i'm so fucking sick of being sick. i was sleeping 16-17 hours a day. i wasn't speaking to anyone. i wasn't going anywhere. wasn't having visitors. and it wasn't just in march. it was january. and february, too.

do you know what it's like? to feel so completely hopeless that all you can see or feel is darkness? that there is no light at the end of the tunnel? i could barely lift my head off the pillow. all i wanted to do was sleep the day away. and when i was awake i would count down the hours to when i could go back to bed. and showering? it made me dizzy and out of breath. i hated it. i hated everything and everyone. i felt so alone. so incredibly alone, like no one understood. and no one really does understand. until you're faced with a life threatening illness that steals your life away from you, that makes your life hard to live, that kills your hormones and just sucks? i tried to not let it happen, but it feels like cushings became me. i tried to not let it happen, but it did.

my surgeries didn't work. and i had three of them, THREE BRAIN SURGERIES. and now i'm probably looking at another surgery because i still 'have active cushings'. i won't know about that until my next endo appt in a few weeks, and then we won't even be sure because he wants me to get a second opinion.

but anyway. back to this depression thing. it's more than just sadness. it's a feeling of hopelessness. like nothing is going to get better. that nothing matters. that no one matters. that the world would be better off without you. that you serve no purpose. that there is no meaning to your life. that there is no meaning to anything. that nothing matters. that you don't matter. and it sucks.

one of the side effects of cushings disease is depression. and it sucks. i fought it for so long, alot of you are probably saying, why now? she's so strong. blah blah freaking blah. honestly, i couldn't tell you. it just kinda hit me. i had a lot to be angry about. alot i had been holding inside of me and not dealing with and then it all came to surface. and when you have no pituitary gland... it makes things alot harder to deal with.

another notsofun side effect of cushings is the anxiety. and the anxiety mixed with the depression sucks. while i was super depressed i was self-medicating. i was in more pain, so i was hopped up on pain killers, and since my anxiety was in full effect, i was taking my anti-anxiety meds, which are downers. so... i was in essence putting myself into a deeper depression.

my surgeries, my two sinus surgeries, did more damage than good. the first one caused me so much pain and then i had complications so i had to have a second surgery. and then i had to heal from that. cushings makes everything more complicated and take longer.

this disease fucking sucks.

so... i am now on antidepressants. it took me quite a long time to finally agree to be on them because i didn't want to feel like i was crazy or that i needed the help, but it's better than wanting to end my own life. she may have to increase it because the crying spells are coming back. sometimes they just come out of nowhere.

i hate this disease. i really do.

i have been getting better, with the depression. i no longer want to end my life. i haven't been sleeping 16-17 hours a day. i've been trying to keep busy. i've been trying to talk to people, i've even been exercising every day with my mom. the warm weather has been helping. i have seasonal depression so the cold weather wasn't doing much for's a tough battle. it's not a joke. and i used to think that it wasn't a big deal but boy was i wrong.

so... before you just think that someone who says they're depressed can just 'get over it', think again. they probably need you. or if someone who used to be bubbly and bouncy becomes withdrawn and sullen... maybe there's something wrong and MAYBE you should try and be there for them. idk TRY to listen to them. AND if someone tries to open up to you, why don't you listen to them instead of brushing them off? if you're claiming to be their friend and claiming to be there for them no matter what, you DO NOT brush them off when they start to open up to you. when you do brush them off, change the subject or ignore them... you're going to lose their trust and love and respect and they will stop caring about you. trust me. i have a friend who completely brushed me off when i tried to open up to them and now? i barely speak to them. don't tell me you're gonna fucking be there for me no matter what and then when it comes down to it you're not because you're life is more important than the fact that i was about to take my own life. so when that happened, i said fuck it. i obviously am not that important to said friend so, i went silent. or, more silent than i had gone. it's one thing to SAY you care, it's another thing to SHOW it.

i guess i've also been thinking of that whole, i'm almost 30 and where am i really? i'm sick. woofreakinhoo. this was not a part of my life plan. nono. i would've been working in my career and married by now. but no. that's not in the cards. i'm stuck with this disease. but then... i can look around, and see people who aren't as accomplished as i am who are my age or older and who aren't sick who are just, well... idk what they are. but i've had a career. and i have a new life plan for when i'm cured and i will be. one day.

i've also been worrying about the brain tumor growing back. and whether or not i can be cured. and if i'm going to need another surgery. this bla (bilateral adrenalectomy) comes with side effects, like the possibility of nelsons syndrome, and then i'll have to be on a replacement steroid for the rest of my life. i'm not even 30 years old yet. i'm too young for this shit.

this past week 1/2  has been so incredibly emotional, i have no idea how i've been able to hold it together. i guess that's why i've been biting back tears. next time, i'm just going to let them flow because i'm sick of holding it all together.

every day is a battle. and i'm gonna win. i always win. but those first few months were rough. and lonely and scary. and i wouldn't wish them on anyone. ever.

if you don't know how to help a sick friend, just be there for them. and if they tell you they don't want anything from you, just don't give up on them. if you can't handle their illness, maybe you shouldn't be around them because you're not the kind of friend that they need.

click the above link for tips on how to be there for a sick friend. i have a few of the greatest friends in the world. they didn't leave my side. ivory, amanda, christine... amazing. hell, amanda drove up from indiana and didn't tell me and showed up at my doorstep.

i'm very much looking forward to next weekend when i'm with christine again. getting the hell outta the pocs.

i don't remember where i was going with this blog but... depression isn't an easy battle to fight so don't just brush someone off who's fighting it. be there for them. if someone says they want to end their life, take them seriously. offer them help. hold their hand. hug them. send a card. send flowers. suggest a movie. do something. ANYTHING. save their life.

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