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Thursday, June 28, 2012

like shattered glass

and so it was...

looking at myself this morning... just wanted to break the mirror. just take a rock and smash it so i didn't have to look at myself. the saddle bags. the bulge. the tiger stripes. the grossness that cushings has so graciously given me.

as of late it's been : mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the fairest in the land? why you, cushie queen!

and today? mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? not you. are you serious?! look at yourself you dumb fuck.

THAT is how my day started out. id like to say it got better, and that i felt better... but the jury's still out on that one.

im in less pain than i was yesterday, which is kinda nice. not kinda, IS nice. is VERY nice. id like to be in LESS LESS pain so i can start walking. or riding the stationary bike so i can start moving and feel more better. yeah, i know. that didnt come out right. arrest me grammar police. please. im very much looking forward to doing SOMETHING.

the doctor gave me morphine yesterday. bless her heart :) no, im not a drug addict. it was nice to finally have something to take away my pain without making me loopy, dizzy, pukey, bitchy, itchy and mean.... i was sleepy and pain free... and thats it. and it was wonderful. i know i need at least 14-16 hours of rest on that shit though. hot damn. i almost fell asleep driving home from the CAO office today... which blew bc that meant no mana time... *sigh* next week...

speaking of CAO... yeah. that lovely letter they sent me yesterday... 'sorry, we sent that in error. the general assistance stopping hasn't been signed yet, so if it isn't signed before you're due your money, you will still get it'. really? REALLY?! are you effing for real?! smdh. let's get it together pennsylvania! the cw i spoke to said that i was smart to come in the afternoon because of how many people were there this morning. i can only imagine how many pissed off people were there... you lose your assistance unless you're knocked up or have kids. i feel bad for the old people who can't do anything about it. i get that it's to stop the douches who're abusing the system, because lord knows there's a shitton of em... i just pray that the people who NEED the assistance can appeal it or find a loophole or something. or that there's an advocate out there for them, or that there's someone who can help them. ive been blessed in that i have an incredible family and good friends who take care of me. people who want to help me. who don't see my being sick as a burden or a hardship. no matter how bad things get, how low i feel, how angry or sad i get... im blessed and i know that. and i always know that, even if it doesnt seem like i do... i know that. and i appreciate it, all of it.

my lovely wife even told me she wants to take care of my sushi and nail needs. shes wacky. i told her, just spend time with me. even though... i may allow her to buy me some raw fish. i do like raw fish...

and i just got so wrapped up in something else i dont remember... oh yeah.

cushings. shattered glass... right.

sometimes i think were like humpty dumpty. us cushies. we fell off the wall. were cracked. and idk if we can be put back together again. but i guess thats ok. because i guess i wanna be something new, right? something better? like a butterfly... i once was a catterpillar...

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