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Thursday, July 26, 2012

I needed this

I needed cushings.
I did. I needed to get sick. I needed this brain tumor. I needed it, like I needed a hole in the head. haha. yes, pun intended.

Prior to hearing, 'this could kill you, if you don't have the surgery' (which I heard 2 years ago, 2 days from now) I was on a path of self-destruction. I was in a horrible relationship that, let's face it, you all know it, wasn't going anywhere. When it began, there was love and romance and fun. When it ended? It was just... there. Something. Alcohol. Sex. A person who looked good in pictures with me. Someone who'd do things I wanted to do. He'd go to six flags, dorney park, the bar, dancing, drink, the movies, do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Was he there for me? no. did he suck at life? yup. But, I loved his family. I loved his religion. I met some wonderful people through him, had some amazing adventures but... I stopped caring about myself, put him before me, his family before me and my own. Didn't care who I hurt.

I was drinking. Alot. Hell, I was doing that before I met him. College, I drank through college. Drank through Rob. He was awful, too. I let him control me. I started to lose who I was. I didn't like who I was becoming. I tried to drown myself when I was with him. I let him beat me. I learned to hit back, though. Almost broke his nose. You should've seen the amount of blood on the kitchen floor of our first apartment... I don't know why I stayed... I think I had a point to prove. That I could change him? That I could fix things? That I could make it work? That he wasn't a monster? I don't know... But I got out.

My job... *sigh* I loved where I worked but... they were awful. You were. and if you're reading this, know you broke me. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME. so thank you for that. for showing me that i was replaceable and that, well, i didn't matter there. I used to go to work with a smile on my face. I LOVED going in knowing I was going to change the world. Hell, I AM changing the world. I have references. But... I let the girls I worked with, my 'friends' tell me different. I let their words make me feel less than a person. I only almost died... so why not? Why not feel like I would be better off dead, right?

I was dating bad people. Drinking alot. Making poor life decisions. I was becoming cold hearted. I was turning into an ice queen. Fuck love. Yes, Anthony was horrible to me, but... it went both ways. Betcha didn't know that, didja? I was a BITCH to him some days. Did he deserve it? of course. but not all the time. Did my job taint me? you betcha! I started to believe that there was NO good in the world. that all people were bad. that love didn't exist. why the hell should i believe that people were good when my coworkers turned against me when i would have gone above and beyond for them? oh wait, i did. even while i was in the hospital, i was still trying to cheer them up. i did that for 'friends' too...

Speaking of 'friends'... I was spending time with the wrong people, I'm afraid. I was holding onto relationships with people, who... well... didn't really give a rats behind about me. I was the one making the effort with people. I was the one making the calls, sending the text messages, trying to maintain friendships, even while I was in the hospital, or out, after surgery 1, 2 and 3... and now... where are they now? I don't see them. Don't hear from them... I was trying to hold onto things that weren't there, weren't real. Things that were figments of my imagination I suppose... People who wanted to be around me when it was beneficial for them, when it was convenient for them... but this convenience store is closed.

And money... did I know how to SPEND SPEND SPEND!!! I have a nice wardrobe, jewelry collection... My motto... I'd rather be poor and pretty than rich and ugly! I worked two jobs because I had an expensive lifestyle. But... you can't take your money with you when you die, so you might as well enjoy it now, right?

Drama... oh boy! Did I feed into drama! I used to say, save the drama for your mama, but I loved listening to it. being a part of it. hell, it was like high school all over again! I loved it. My life was like a freaking soap opera, anyone who's been around me knows that. Or, if you had drama, you came to me with your issues asking my advice...

I needed to 'fall in love' with douchebags to see what I DON'T want. Chris? yeah. he's gay. I was his 'beard'. And for those of you who don't know what that is, I was his cover until he could come to terms with his sexuality. And I needed to feel like someone could love a sick girl. When he proposed, my instinct was to say no, but I said, sure. I didn't say YES. I didn't cry. Didn't jump for joy. I said, sure. Inside, I was saying no. But, there was me people pleasing because I didn't want to let people down.

I was also kind of vain, too... But, I think that came from feeling so ugly growing up. Being picked on as much as I was. And then I was ripped to shreds again and had no self-esteem because I was with the boys who liked to tear me apart, so in turn, I ripped them apart. I started to tear people down. You make me feel like shit, rest assured, what goes around comes around and I WILL point out your flaws just as sure as your pointing out mine.

and mean. bitch much? yes. i could tear your EYES out with my claws aka my words. hot DAMN! i was terrible. not always intentional. but i would go toe-to-toe with you. id love to engage in an argument, especially if i felt i was being attacked... my words are my weapons...

I needed cushings. I needed to get sick to get me off of my path of self-destruction. This journey that I'm on is teaching me to love myself again. To get to know myself. To be happy with myself. I don't need alcohol to escape my problems, to escape reality, to deal with life. I need to deal with them head on. So that's what I'm doing.
Sex isn't a good coping skill either, unless you're in a MEANINGFUL relationship... even then, I don't know that it's the best idea. You can't use people either. Not such a brilliant idea...

When your soul has turned ugly, you feel ugly...

I needed to get sick. I needed a wake up call. This wasn't a punishment. But it's what I needed to turn my life around.

I'm not sad about what happened anymore. Do I have bad days? of course. who doesn't? Do I randomly have crying spells? Yes, yes I do. I also have a disease where I have no hormones. But, I'm not sad. Please believe me. This isn't an act. at all. I'm happy. I am. What reason do I have to be sad? I've let it all go, I really have.

I'm not angry either. I'm not mad at the doctor for making me blind. I'm not mad at the people who've let me down. I'm not mad at Anthony or Chris. When I hear their names, do you know what I feel? NOTHING. Not anger, not sadness, I don't miss them... I feel NOTHING. I don't wish ill on anyone.

Some say I sit around questioning why all this happened to me, I don't. I needed a wake up call, and that's what I got. I'm moving on and I'm healing. And that's that.

I don't deal with negativity, or fighting, or arguing or bad situations. Not because of my disease, but because I don't want to. Blame it on my disease if you want, say I can't handle the stress. That's fine. But, I CHOOSE NOT TO engage it that kind of behavior. I CHOOSE NOT to allow it to influence me. I CHOOSE to rise above and stay calm. So yes, blame it on the cushings, because it's taught me patience and how to remain calm in a stressful, painful situation. I'm staying away from the drama.

I'm not going to use hurtful words anymore. Or at least I'm trying not to. Everyone slips up, I'm not a saint, we all sin. It's going to happen, but I'm going to try. I want to live a life that's filled with peace, serenity, happiness. One filled with strength, courage and love. Not hate, negativity and stress.

I needed to get sick to get away from my job. CYS is stressful, and angry and bitter and mean and awful. I was crying before I got sick. They questioned my headaches. After my first surgery they made me feel like garbage coming back. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Did I change lives? yes. Am I going to continue to change lives? Yes. But I will not be made to feel like I'm anything less than extraordinary. I won't be made to feel like I don't matter. I will not dread my job. I will love it. Who knows? Maybe I'm destined to be a makeup artist. Or angel readings. Or both. Or party planning. Or a personal shopper. Or retail. Or opening a nail salon. Who knows. Or maybe I will go back to school and get a degree in psychology. I don't know, but I'll still change lives and won't feel awful about it, that's for damn sure.

I needed to get sick to realize my self worth. I am beautiful. I am a amazing. I am funny. I am strong. I am courageous. I am inspirational. I am a hero. I don't need to be any of those things for anyone BUT MYSELF. I can overcome anything that stands in my way. WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. Not for you, but for me. I have a beautiful life ahead of me, and I needed to get sick to realize that. There is no time limit, no time frame, no certain life that I'm supposed to live. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of myself. I'm free to be me, and it's about time I start being true to myself.

I needed to get sick to see who matters and who doesn't. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. Getting sick helped me to weed out the people who weren't really my friends at all. The people who were only around because I could do something for them, and then left me high and dry when I needed them. The people who took and took from me... but that's ok. They're gone now, and I'm ok. Really, I'm ok. And the people who are by my side... are incredible. And I don't think I could ask for a better support system.

I needed to get sick to prioritize my spending habits. I REALLY learned how to stretch my money! And I'll be stretching it even more now that they cut assistance! hot dayum! There are more important things in life than material possessions. I always knew that, but... I've been forced to really stop and smell the roses. Even though I always liked to find free things to do, because, well, like my grandfather, I was cheap and would rather lay out in a field watching the clouds roll by than spend money :) I think using your imagination is more fun. But, by not having money, it helped me find out who my friends were too... how? well... real friends don't care if your bank account is $0. they'll either 1. take you with them anyway, or 2. lay in the field with you :)

see? I needed to get sick. It put me back on the right track. And I'm ok with being sick. I really am. Yes, I'm going to have my bad days, but I'm at peace with it. Trust me on that one. And maybe... just maybe, you needed me to get sick, too. No, I'm not saying that you WANTED me to get sick. I'm saying, maybe you needed to see my struggle, watch me climb out of the shadows, watch me fight this, to see that you don't have it that bad at all. Take a looking glass to your own life and say, hmm... what can I do to better my life today?

As for the loss of sight thing, I'm still not 100% about why that happened, but... I still only see 1/2 the ugly in the world :)  But... I do think that losing my sight has raised my spiritual awareness and my third eye :) if you don't know what that is, look it up. I'm tired.

But really, I am happy. And I'm blessed.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Or that I'm faking. Because I'm not. And don't say I don't know what I'm talking about. You don't live with me. You're not living my life. You're not me. You don't have this disease. All the research in the world doesn't make you an expert. So please, stop.

oh, and if I hadn't gotten sick... I wouldn't have met the Cushing's Support Group I have on facebook, which led me to Maya and Stevie- and they're two of the most incredible women I've ever met. And then I wouldn't have my Jason, whom I adore. Those three? My hearts <3

And then there's also my restored faith in the medical community. I have an amazing team of doctors working for and with me. I've learned to advocate for myself, and to not settle for answers that I don't agree with. YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE. always question, get second opinions, hell, get third and fourth opinions if you're not satisfied. it's just what needs to be done.

if i hadn't gotten sick, i wouldn't have met hanson, and that alone was well worth it ;) a kiss on the cheek from taylor, and him whispering in my ear, im glad you're alive? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OH HELLZ YES!!

and then, there's the beautiful 'Nicole's Song' that was written by Lissa Khranke <3 that melts my heart every time I hear it.

like I said... I needed it to get sick. So Cushings? Thank you. For the life lessons you're teaching me, every day.

1 comment:

  1. I'm really proud of you and how far you've come! You are the Queen of the Silver lining. <3 Love you!