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Monday, December 26, 2011

where oh where...

warning: very angry. annoyed. miserable. happy. emotional rollercoaster ahead.

i am really starting to get sick of fucking life. i really am. im tired of everything. of people, of situations, of negativity, of liars, of being sick, etc. seriously. and im tired of feeling like im alone. like i dont belong anywhere. i dont feel like i fit in. hell, i even feel like a stranger in my own home somedays. its like, what the fuck is the point of existing or being around, when im by myself. ive grown accustomed to being alone, and its like, being around people is starting to get on my nerves. sure, i get annoyed bc i feel so COMPLETELY abandoned by my 'friends' who, id like to say a BIG FUCK YOU to :) i love being 'good enough' when it's convenient for you, but seriously, i dont need you. guess i never really did.
so anyway, since im alone all the time, and feel alone, whats the point in being around people? so then when people are around, i feel like i wanna punch them or tell them to jump off a bridge. why? why not? who knows, maybe it's the hormones or lack of hormones talking, or maybe its too much sugar, but im so fucking angry. and im snappy... and snapping, at everyone. even those who dont deserve it. i need to take up boxing, or something, to get out all of this aggression. there's gotta be an easier way than feeling like this. there has to be.

yesterday was christmas, and it was nice. annie came home joe was home... me n him were up crazy early because he had to go to work, so he woke everyone else up... it was kinda funny... we're all adults and we're up at the asscrack of dawn because santa came to visit. being older, i know that it's not about presents, even though ive always known that. my parents brought us up knowing that it's about love, family and the birth of Christ. i never thought the holidays would depress me, though. like... super depressing. all i wanted to do yesterday was curl up into a ball and hide away. just cry and shut myself off from the rest of the world. but i didn't. and i kinda regret not doing that. even though, all of us going to see WarHorse was a good excuse to cry... talk about emotions... it was a good movie though. idk. im a wreck and im starting to even annoy myself. this whole snapping at people needs to stop, but it's like i can't stop. and it sucks. oh right, depressing. yeah... idk. there's just so much going through my mind right now... love, love lost, brokenness, sickness, heartache, healing, friends, lack of friends, disappointment in people...

im really disappointed in those who claimed they'd be there 'forever'. really? where are you now? cause as far as i can tell, you're not here. and im no longer going to be the one to chase you or try and hold our friendship together. the phone works both ways. friendship is supposed to be a two-way street and im tired of walking it alone. and you can say you're there. and blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, you're not. and i can't even believe ive allowed myself to be hurt so much by people. im so completely let down, and it's disgusting. never in a million years would i have thought that you would have turned out to be this way. but you did. and it makes me want to throw up. but then... the more you let me down, the easier it's going to be to let you go. why? well, honestly, what do i have to hold onto? you're making the end of this far too easy. and it's really quite sad... because if a friendship is so easy to end... was it ever so real to begin with?

im starting to question everything now... the only thing i dont question is my faith, which im thankful to have because it really pulls me through some of the worst times, i just have to remember to focus on it and to find it and to pull it out when i need to. like today. but im struggling. and i dont like that. and all i want to do is cry, cry, cry....

and i know none of this makes sense. i feel so confused and brain foggish... like... i dont know which way is up. i just wanna be away, or be me, or feel something... anything. idk. im just tired of feeling like a convenience.

which is why im deleting people out of my life. i got rid of becca last night and i dont feel bad about it. why? because she's a shitty friend. so ill be deleting more and more as the days go on. if im not important to you, there's no reason for you to be important to me. you left your mark, wrote your chapter in my book of life... and now your chapter is closed.

im even kind of sick of blogging. i think the only reason i do this some days is so i DONT cry, or maybe so i do... and then it's like... i dont have to physically voice how im feeling. someone will read it and that's all i have to do. no talking, no feeling, no nothing. just writing down everything i want to say so i dont feel like such a dipstick because ill talk too fast, or repeat myself or not remember what im saying... im really sick of not remembering. why cant i not remember stupid people? why do i remember the hurt? it's ridiculous.  i feel like if im stuck not remembering things, i should have a choice in what im not going to remember dammit!

smh. whatever. i dont even know anymore. all i know is... i wanna write you off. i could tell you how i feel, but what would be the point there? we've been down that road before... and things changed a little... but we're back to where we started. i get it. you have your own life, and maybe i served my purpose in yours. and if that's the case... don't fake it. be real.

but you can't. dont worry about hurting my feelings. because im a hell of a lot stronger than you think. ill keep going with or without you. havent you realized that yet?

oh, and if you think this is about you... it probably is.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry if this is somehow about me. I know I have been off the grid the last week or 2. Ive been focusing on the girls as its our first Xmas without my family and that's kind of depressing.

    You shouldn't feel like you're the only one contributing in a friendship. If you do and tell the person and nothing changes then let them go. You do deserve friends as strong as you. Its tough watching you struggle, and I'm sure a big part of people's absense is that they can't handle that. I love you. You will come out victorious in the end. Hold on to your faith.