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Friday, December 2, 2011

when it rains, it pours... but why cant it rain candy?

where to begin... well... the ketocanazole seems to be working. my cortisol has been cut IN HALF. so thats a plus. and i think im looking better. which always makes me feel  better. i had a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done last week... that sucked. omg. i thought i was going to die. i literally sat in the bathroom for 4-5 hours... it was terrible. ive had 2 brain surgeries and radiation, and i honestly think that was worse! ugh. just terrible. i got the results yesterday, and the biopsies came back ok. but i do have erosive gastritis, which, i dont really know what it is. but im on protonix for it. its painful. but whatever, weve been through worse right? blech. i just googled it. its another RARE disorder... lol. always knew i was special right? haha.

i felt like garbage pretty much alllllllll last week and this week. and not just from the colon stuff. i think it had to do with the celexa the psychiatrist put me on. i was more pukey and nauceaus, not holding food down and soooooo tired and in soooo much pain. everything hurt and all i wanted to do was sleep... sleep and more sleep. i talked to my therapist about stopping it, bc id rather have random crying spells then feel like complete and utter garbage. so i stopped the celexa and i have more energy and dont feel as awful. smh. one day things will be figured out... apparently today is just not that day.

i got to spend the weekend with one of my longest, greatest friends. it was amazing! we havent seen each other in years but, we just picked up where we left off. we talked, we laughed, we took silly pictures... it was great. and we TALKED. i love spending time and talking to Tris, she's one of the FEW who i feel will always be there, who doesnt judge me, and kinda gets it <3 love u girl! saturday was a superfantastic day... though when she left i fell right to sleep because i was exhausted.

sunday we (mom, my brother and sister) went to the cemetery to visit grandpa, grandma and his family. this may sound morbid but... i love walking through the cemetery. walking and singing... which to some may sound weird, but i like to sing to the dead. idk. to me it's comforting. i even cleaned off some of the stones that had weeds growing over them and that were practically invisible... my mom wanted some time at grandpas grave, and my brother- greatest kid in the entire world, followed her and just wrapped his arms around her. he is the most amazing brother in the world. i dont care what anyone says- mines better than yours. end of story. just like my sister is better than yours. my siblings and my family is quite possibly the most amazing group of people anyone will ever have the pleasure of knowing. no lie. even when mom and joe yell at each other bc theyre lost in the car and trying to avoid traffic :)

i did get some rather disturbing news on sunday. my good friend... her fiance passed away Sunday morning. my heart breaks for her. she is one of the toughest, strongest people i know... and she's carrying a burden that no one should have to carry. but she's doing it. and she's staying as strong as she knows how. God bless her. he was taken wayyy too soon... i did get to spend the day with her on wednesday, which seemed to do both of us some good. i felt terrible that i cant be there for her on saturday bc ill be down the shore with my family... working on healing myself. i had such a panic attack about it too, but she said it was ok. and i think i needed her to tell me that. it was nice being together and laughing together, and releasing some anger/frustrations we were both dealing with. i love you chica <3

tuesday lori came. and that's always awesome. i love reiki. and i love her. <3 were so connected on so many levels, its insane. but beautiful.

went to philly yesterday to see my otolaryngologist- im still the poster child for transphenoidal sinus surgery. so thats cool. dont need to go back for 6 months. i even got my uncle to stop at a botanica... which i loved. botanica chango on north front street. i love going into botanicas... the smell, the atomosphere, the people... i met some awesome people in there yesterday and they totally made me feel better with everything...

right. the whole, when it rains it pours thing? yeah... mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... seriously, can we catch a break? like now? that'd be nice. really nice. she still is walking around like she's superwoman. trying not to show any fear and be the best mom/friend/wife/person she can be. i think that's where i get it. we don't let anything get in our way and we fight and we conquer and WE WIN. it's gonna be ok mom. promise. i tried to talk her into letting me NOT go to cape may so i could go with her to the surgeon, but of course she said no. i need to heal. so im going, in a few hours, to cape may. to be with my cousins. to walk the beach. to heal. i just need to get my ass in gear and go. it was just soooo cold when i woke up that i had a hard time getting out of the covers. had i done that, id be on my way right now.

idk how to deal with all of this. its like, one thing after the other. but were fighters, survivors. and will be ok. im glad that thyroid cancer doesn't spread, and that it's easily cured but... that C word is quite scary... hasn't my mom been through enough? she had to watchme almost die- more than once. she had to help me try and rebuild myself, my life and she's still dealing with my disease and trying to help me. because alot of times i get scared, angry and confused. and ugh. idk. its a mess and i do not approve. i just cant wait to be done with everything...

1 comment:

  1. You, Your Mom,and your whole family are in my prayers. Try your best to relax and enjoy your shore time. You need and deserve it! <3

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