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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Oh Christmakuh, Oh Christmakuh...

i dont know where to start. i thought i did but... idk. i had all intentions on writing happy thoughts, but now i feel like slitting my wrists... *sigh* oh well. tis the season, right?

anyway... there was a time i didn't know that i would be celebrating another christmas. i really didn't. i basically put on a good front, told people what they wanted to hear, that i was fine, while inside i was dying. i was waiting for the storm to come back... even though it never left. i was doing everything i could to try and stay positive, while inside i was ready to die. literally. i was waiting to not wake up, and every morning that i did wake up i was surprised as hell. the headaches, the dizzy spells, the nausea, the frustration, the blindness, the tremors, the hot flashes, the cold flashes, the fact that memories were fading rapidly, the chest pain, the shortness of breath, the anxiety, the fact that i was being let down by so many people: MCCYS, the girls i worked with, the girls i considered friends, guy friends, relationships- romantic and non-romantic... so much hurt. so much defeat. so much pain. so many tears i refused to cry. so many downs and not too many ups, feeling like i lost a huge part of myself, wondering if id ever get that part of me back... and i still wonder.
i find myself tearing up as i write this because there is still an insane amount of hurt inside of me, and sometimes i think ive let it all go, but it sneaks up on me and comes out of nowhere. it'd be nice if the hurt and the sorrow and the doubts and the pain would be gone for good, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

this is my second Christmas since my surgery. and i've been hurt a ton, but ive also gained alot. im happier now. im feeling better. id like to say my anxiety is less but.... i had three panic attacks last night, in a row, and felt that the world was closing in on me. i still have the aches and the pains but im not so dizzy. and im alive. so i guess that's a good thing. im pushing forward and staying positive, well, as positive as i can be... and today... today i saw why i needed to stay so positive. i was actually touched by some of my friends, and their kindness, even people i barely speak to...

there's a family in town who's in need. i dont know who they are or really anything about them, but manda is helping them. so? i put out an SOS to my facebook peeps and man oh man! the response was wonderful! ive already picked up a bag of food, more people are putting presents, clothing and food together for these kidss. Santa lives in all of us, and I love that this is happening. It makes me want to believe in people again, like maybe theyre not all so horrible, that there ARE good people in the world. it means alot that there are people who are willing to help complete strangers.

maybe i sound ungrateful for the help that ive been given, but that's not the case. i love and appreciate every single one of my friends, family, strangers, and doctors who have offered up love and support to me and my family. it means the world to me. im thankful to be alive, and to have incredible people in my life... and some days its harder than others to remember the good when there is just so much bad happening! and not just bad to me, but to my family and my friends. im tired of seeing people be taken advantage of, manipulated, hurt, lied to, etc... there's so much negativity and bad... but you would think that because it's CHRISTMAS/ HANUKKAH/ CHRISTMAKUH, that people would be a little nicer. you would think that all the hate and anger would disappear, for a little while. i guess that's another reason im touched at the outpouring of help for this family- people are being nice, they're putting others before themselves and just... idk. being good people. the world lacks good people. it really does.

idk. like i said before, there's so much hurt that sometimes it's hard to find the happy. yes, there is happy in everything, and it's always been kind of my job to pull positive out of every negative... but for some reason it's harder around the holidays. it shouldn't be, because Christmas is about family, it's about love, it's about friendship, it's about goodness, it's about a lil baby who was born to save us all... and yes, He was born and we're supposed to turn to him, but some days i wonder if He can really save me? or am i the one who has to save me from myself? some days i feel like im falling and falling and falling... but there's no one around to catch me. and i guess that's ok, because ive gotten pretty good at doing things on my own. i always have been. maybe im getting tired of it? idk. and i know im not alone and im sure whomever reads this is going to say, im here for you. and i get that. and it's nice. and it's appreciated but... you're not me. you're not living this. and you're not forgetting who you are. and sometimes forgetting how far you've come. some days, when im proud of who i am and how far ive come... i get sad because it's like, should i be this excited? does anyone REALLY care? i mean, everyone SAYS they do but... idk. maybe i need to see proof. and most of the proof ive seen... is a lack of caring. a lack of compassion. a lack of LOYALTY you fucking bitch. whoops. :) whatever. idk.

but yeah. it's nice to see that people aren't so awful. and that they see the real meaning of Christmakuh.  so yeah. happy holidays.

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