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Friday, December 16, 2011

apparently not...

so... i had written this LONG LONG blog, about my fears and my anger and what ive been experiencing... i even wrote out every little thing i wanted to say to dbag... BUT... my plug fell out of my computer! :( and i dont know how to recover the blog or the word doc that i had written... smh. but... maybe that's God's way of saying, the world doesn't need to know what a complete and utter shitbrick he is. I did feel alot better after writing it though, like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

so what i DO remember, is that IM NOT REMEMBERING. my memory loss is pretty sucktastic as of late and i fear its getting worse. its kinda scary, but i dont know what to do about it. im on the waiting list to see a neurologist.

i dont have any anti-anxiety meds, or anti-depressants... so im trying to face this alone... alone... something i feel allllllll the damn time. i can be surrounded by the most amazing people but... i still feel like an outcast. its hard. im different now, and not everyone wants to or can accept that. i dont drink, well, i CANT drink, which is fine. it takes longer for my body to recover after a day of fun, i cant see, i get scared, i dont drive at night, i dont work, i have no money... i feel alone. i do have friends and family who do their best to make me not feel so bad, and i am having more good days than bad. but... sometimes, i still feel like crawling into a ball and cry cry cryyyyyyyyyyyyying my eyes out. sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt.

idk. maybe thats one of the reasons i love the shore so much. i dont get treated like im sick, i dont get talked to like im dumb, they dont get frustrated with me when i dont remember something. im sorry to whomevers reading this, if you have to repeat yourself a few times because i cant remember what you said. and im sorry that i dont remember what i say so i repeat myself. if you can't deal with it, then just dont talk to me. im never going to be the same 'normal nicci'. as my beloved chell put it, after i bawled my eyes out "you want to be normal nicole, but you're not. you never will be. YOU'RE EXTRAORDINARY. and it's ok that you dont have the energy like you used to, that you cant run around like you once did, that you get tired. we love you. we accept this. we dont think any less of you. we never will and we will always be here, no matter what. i know it's hard for you because this is your escape and you come here because no one treats you different, but maybe you need to be treated a little different so that you can help yourself. we'll never leave your side, you just need to realize your limitations so you don't get sicker'. i love her. and im sure ive heard that over and over again, but for some reason, sitting in chells living room, after getting mad a crab and jay, hearing her say those words... hit home. and she's right. that day i had hit my breaking point and tried to force myself to be ok, but i couldn't.
crab said, you always cry when  you come down here. but that's ok. because ill hug you. ill cry with you. <3 bee eff eff right there. and he did. i think part of the reason i get so emotional down there is because im constantly trying to hold it together out here. i have to be a superhero. but down there... theyre my superheroes. its nice.
my moms superwoman too, dont get me wrong. but it's different. moms are supposed to be superheroes. its in their job description, and my mom wears her cape well. my cousins dont have to be, but they are. and they always have their guards up for me. it's cute. hell, jailbait even said to me, i kept coming into your room when you were sleeping to check on you, to make sure you were ok. like seriously? who does that? other than my parents... no one. my ex didnt even do that. but i guess thats love, unconditional love. good, bad, happy, sickness, health... always.forever.nomatterwhat. im so proud to be apart of the family i have.

i could write about anger, but... that has left the building. i do kinda feel like crying, but oh well. ill be seeing jenn later and if i need to cry, i will. were getting pedi's done. and tomorrow me, jenn and her mom are getting makeovers, and then jenn and i are hittin up a club... she wants to go. and idk i guess i kinda do too? itll be interesting to see how i handle it. im not gonna let my anxiety win. i will conquer this. i will. because im a soldier. im a warrior. and i win. always.

1 comment:

  1. I think your computer plug fell out because you needed to get all of the anger out for yourself and no one else. You don't have to be a superhero for anyone anywhere. You just keep breathing and trying your best to be the person you want to be and the people who really love you will be here for you <3 I'm glad you have a safe place in your shore family. There is no shame in giving yourself a time-out when you need one. <3 xoxo