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Saturday, November 19, 2011

there's no use crying over spilled milk...

ok... so how about crying over eaten mac n cheese? no seriously, THAT is what set me off this morning.

last night i went to the movies with my cousin, and my legs were throbbing during the whole thing. i hate this disease. and the man next to me wouldnt stop leaning into me and hitting his leg on mine so i had to manipulate my body to stay in a position where i wouldn't be touched. so then i ended up stiff. i was really excited to be seeing 'Breaking Dawn' last night, too... the movie was kind of a letdown, but it may not have been if i wasn't in so much pain. i brought my cousin home and just wanted to scream bc i hurt so bad. and then we got to her house and it took all my energy to get up the damn steps. i couldn't even stay with my family for dinner bc i was losing momentum and wouldn't be able to drive home. :(

i started to cry a little on the way home. id really like to go back to being normal again, at least my version of normal. i used to be able to sit through a movie without being in pain. i could drive in the dark. i could drive. i could walk up and down the stairs without being short of breath or without being in pain. this pain is ridiculous. my legs are throbbing and sore. my arms go numb, my thumbs are sore- which makes no sense. and this back pain... fuggedabout it! its like im flipping 80 years old! smh

so back to the mac n cheese. i slept through the night, woke up early and took my pills, went back to sleep. woke up to go to the bathroom, took the rest of my pills and did my shot, and went back to sleep. i woke up again around noon bc if i didnt eat something id be sick. i never have an appetite and everything makes me sick, so i have to force myself to eat something. you wouldnt think that by looking at me but... its true. so i go for my mac n cheese that i made yesterday so id have it today and where is it? GONE. so then im thinking maybe i never really made it and it was in my head, until i saw the empty container in the sink. i know who ate it. whatever. so i had a mini meltdown. crying, getting angry, short of breath, tightness in my chest... i even smacked the wall. then i went back to bed. and lost it. cried and cried. i just wrapped myself up in the covers and got angry with myself.

i mean, why the hell was i crying and getting angry about mac and cheese!!! it's not that big of a deal, AT ALL! so why am i freaking the eff out?! ive been storing this negative/bad energy for days... trying not to explode. trying not to tell people how i feel so i dont offend anyone. even though... does it really matter if i offend them? should i really care when... they havent shown me any different? but i keep my mouth shut... and i guess ill continue to do so and just deal with this the best way i can... sleep or blogging. i need to get it out somehow... i dont have money to shop so... retail therapy is out of the question. i cant drink so alcohol is out... and exercise makes me feel like im going to die.

which brings me to physical therapy. if i ever remember im going to ask my internist or endo to give me an rx to try it again. i almost couldnt get up off the floor. getting up and down is a  real struggle for me. i need to get my muscles moving again since im going back to cape may on the 2. i cannot wait to get the hell outta here. the plan is a sock hop on the 3 and i plan on going to flip flops with my girl to get our dance on. im gonna be her dd. she needs it. and i need to get out. maybe monday i wont feel so awful and can try and function. hell, maybe ill feel up to jumping around later. ill hook up my ipod in my sisters room and bust a move...

crap. there goes the memory AGAIN. there was more that i wanted to say but i have no idea wtf that was. yay. some days this really effing blows. some days, ha. who am i kidding. this disease blows freaking chunks. and some days its hard to remember that im more than just my disease. but... when your disease takes you over... its hard to remember that there's an incredible person inside of you. there's someone with strength and courage and beauty and fun... not just some disabled person who cant move like she used to or love like she used to...

i guess the love thing is wrong. because... my heart is huge and is constantly loving other people. and no, not the romantic kind. the friendship kind, the encouraging kind, the kind that others need. idk. i guess im glad thats a part of me that wasnt lost in all of this....

i did lose my looks though, or at least a chunk of my self esteem. i had another one of those, i hate the way i look in everything/ im disgusted by who i see in the mirror days the other day. i got sick of parting my hair over my scar so no one could see it. its annoying and not my natural part so i figured id try and let the natural part take over.... and try again. ha. nooooooooope. theres a nice chunk of hair missing, that will probably never grow back. it hasn't yet. the whole crainiotomy/skullhacking/scar/radiation i think kinda killed that section so... looks like well be reworking the new part and forcing my hair to do something it doesnt want to. eh. oh well. it's just hair right? it may sound shallow but my hair was always a big part of me. a big huge part. i guess it was kind of like cutting samsons hair, or rapunzels... that's where most of my beauty was. people were envious of my hair, and my skin... well... my hairs a pain in the ass now and my skin sucks. well, my hairs not completely awful... its still pretty just taking forever to grow.

i started tanning again. well.. sort of. im giving it a shot. im tired of being so pale. hopefully it doesnt warp me, but at this point, ill try anything to feel better. i think the vitamin d thing might be helping. its supposed to anyway

there we go again... forgetting my point...

oh yeah. all of this pain im in... it takes alot of out me. alot. a whole freaking lot. the whole gouging out my cyst on tuesday almost killed me... and then thursday... holy guacamole. i wanted to die. i almost passed out at the drs out from the amount of blood they drained out of me. seriously. it looked like i gave birth. the sheets were covered, the room was spinning, everything started going dark, so i had to lay down. i had no other choice. i screamed alot. and punched the wall. but after the shot started working and i was finally numb... i was ok. sort of. completely exhausted after that so when i got home i layed on the couch and that was the end of me. oh wait, no. i had to go pay my moms bill and then go tanning, and THEN that was the end of me. i slept really good that night. maybe because i was so freakin exhausted... hmmm... maybe thats the answer to me getting sleep. i need to be completely worn out or in oodles of pain and THEN i can sleep through the night... i actually think ive been sleeping better because im moving upstairs into my sisters room since she moved out, and i can sleep with my dog. hes my lil protector. and i love him. so so much.

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