11.7.2010

11.7.10

its not the life I asked for
not even a life I wished for
not a life I wanted
not a little bit
not a lotta bit
not at all
but it’s the life I got
do I hate it somedays?
You betcha
Do I wanna cry somedays?
Try every day
Do I wanna end it all and never look back?
Oh honey
You have no idea
But no
Im stuck
Im here
For some strange reason
Im here
And I don’t want to be
I want to be in a place where…
There is no hurt
There is no sadness
There is no sick
I wanna be free.

Im tired of crying
Tired of TRYING
Tired of people pretending
I hate pretending
I hate acting like im ok
When I AM NOT OK
So why pretend?
To make you happy
I’m not allowed to be sad
Because im strong
And pleasant
And blah blah blah

Yeah.
I get it
I can move fucking mountains
I can help the poor
Heal the sick
Cheer the sad
I get it
But who’s gonna catch me?
I have done so much
For so many
And for what?
Im never the one who asks
I never want help
I never need it

But I need it
Now
And where is it?
I have no idea
Rely on God
Yeah. I get that too
But he can’t really hug me
He can’t really give me a tissue
So what do I do?
Who do I talk to?

Im tired of hearing
This too shall pass
Im tired of hearing
I understand
You don’t know
You don’t get it
You never will.
None of you.
Ever
Will.

Im tired of the lies
Im tired of getting my hopes up
Im tired of caring
Im tired
Im fucking tired
Of all of it
But no
I have to slap a smile on
Look at you and grin

Why?
Oh right
Because that’s what I do
I do for others
And you’re probably thinking
Im here
But you’re not
You pray for me
You think happy thoughts
But are you really here?
Nope
And do you know how I feel?
Do you?
Like a fucking burden
That’s how
Like im a waste of fucking time

Why hold anything back now?
No reason
Im not ashamed of my past
The things ive done
Who ive done
Ok, maybe id delete a few of the whos
But you cant take life back
But my life?
Feels like it’s been taken from me
And im tired
Im tired of feeling like this

Alone.

I don’t care what you think
Go on
Say im just bitching
You try and be me
You try and feel like this
You try and push through
You try having your heart ripped out
Spending your summer on crutches
In and out of the hospital
Wondering whether or not you’re gonna wake up
Try it
Be me

You can’t can you
You can’t handle the pain
The questions
The being afraid of EVERYTHING
Not knowing what kind of pain should send you to the hospital
Not knowing if you’re gonna wake up with NO sight
Or THINK maybe you’re seeing
But you’re not
Or being AFRAID TO FUCKING SLEEP
Because you don’t know if a wrong turn
Will cost you your life

And looking in the mirror?
Forget it
I wish I could cover every mirror I walk past!
Look at me
LOOK AT ME
I used to stop and stare at myself
Why?
Because I thought I was beautiful
KEYWORD: THOUGHT
And then what?
I was ripped apart
Drugged up
And now look
Just look.
It’s disgusting what I see
I hate it. hate it. hate it

Im tired
Tired of holding in the tears
Tired of feeling like im crying for nothing
Crying for something that was bullshit
Crying because it should have been different
Crying because I don’t understand
Crying because…
Well because I can

Some days I just want to stop
And quit
And just walk away
Or curl into a little ball
And hide
Where no one
Ever
Can hurt me
Again.

But no.
Im stuck
Im stuck here
Being tired
And tear-stained
And here

So here we go
Another day
To paste a smile on
And push through
Why?
Because of people like you
I’m not allowed to hurt
To cry
To give up
Because you need me
To be happy
To catch you when you fall
To be who everyone says I am
Strong
An inspiration
Happy
Beautiful
A star

And on the inside?
I feel like none of those things
But don’t worry
Ill keep pretending.
I always do.