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Wednesday, November 16, 2011


do you have ANY idea how much pressure is on a person to be so optimistic and happy and positive and encouraging and inspiring and courageous and heroic ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!

no clue? well let me fill you in!

the LAST time, well, maybe not the LAST last time... but... i had a day where i was completely miserable after my first surgery. and i wasnt happy. and i posted it on my facebook... well... let me twll you what kind of hell i got for that one! "nicole you're so negative. nicole you have a low self-esteem. nicole you don't appreciate what you have. nicole, you need intense therapy." INSTEAD of telling me that it's gonna get better, i had my 'closest friends' crucify me. am i not allowed to mourn the loss of my sight? am i not allowed to get angry that i dont have much of a life because im sick all the time? am i not allowed to get annoyed with the fact that i dont remember much? im so sorry. i didnt know i wasnt allowed to have a bad day. i forgot that it was my job to be the glue that holds everyone and everything together!!!

because thats who i was, pre-surgery. i held everything together. i held EVERYONE together. i was responsible for keeping my friendships alive. i was the one who'd come running, every single time. u needed a shoulder? call me. u need a ride? call me. u need money? call me. i will be there. no matter what. we fight like we hate each other, but u get your heartbroken , call me., ill be there. I WAS ALWAYS THERE. always checking up on you, calling you, making plans with you. sending you little pick me ups because i knew you needed one, or just to let you know im thinking of you. that's just who i am.

POSTSURGERY- i did the same damn thing. you were having a bad day, didnt tell me, i had to read about it on facebook or hear about it from someone else but guess what? there i was. caring about you. trying to pick you up while inside i was a mess. while my world was falling apart all around me, i was still caring. still being there. still showing you that HEY! EVEN THOUGH THEY HACKED MY SKULL, SHAVED MY HEAD, TOOK MY SIGHT... I STILL LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU! pushing my feelings and life aside, still putting you first.... but wait!

you're gone. where did you go? because now i need to lean on you, or need you to show me you care... you disappear? because im not 100% im not good enough to be part of your life? (i know this sounds like its directed at a boyfriend, but its not. its a friendship. ALOT of friendships, or lack there of) i dont understand. i never asked for anything from anybody. i never expected anything from anyone... except friendship, acceptance and understanding. i didnt think that was asking too much, ever. is it so wrong for me to want people to return the favor? to be there? to be an ear? a shoulder? to have someone call me out of the blue because they're thinking of me? am i selfish or shallow because i want to hear a friend say, its ok to be sad. i love you. is that so terrible? to want someone to wrap their arms around me and cry with me? get angry with me? i didn't think it was... but then... i dont know. maybe i expect people to have big hearts like i do, and they just dont...

funny thing? im actually closer to those who are the furthest away from me... and i love and appreciate them so much. hell, I'll even use freakin names! Jennie, Mike, Chell, George, Christine, Jackie, Jo, Amy and Angie... they're far far away from me... but always let me know...  I can't forget my Amanda. She's around the corner. They let me know my friendship is not one of convenience, that I can rely on them. Hell, people from HS are surprising me too! We never really spoke but... there they are. popping up in my life, like Nicole. Who hates stupid people as much as I do. And then Vanessa who wanted to take pictures of me and my family (love this girl. we used to make fun of rattail together ;) ) I've rekindled some friendeships, like with Csilla and Tristina. I love those girls and CANNOT WAIT til we run away to the cabin next week.

I guess I don't understand, but maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to not give a flying fig about people and just tell them to screw off. I'm slowly learning where I stand with others. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe people do care, they're just so wrapped up in their own lives that i got pushed to the wayside... which is fine... you know what? NO. IT IS NOT FINE!!! no matter how busy my life got, who i dated, what i was dealing with... i ALWAYS made time to let others know i was thinking of them. that i loved them. that i was here for them. why is it too much to ask to expect the same damn thing!?

No one seems to get how simple i really am. did i love the flowers and get well cards i got after my first surgery? of course. i especially loved the teddy bear i named Sam that my Jessi sent me. Did i love when Kris, Clair and Panda took me to the casino for a few hours? hells yes. did i love spending oodles of time at the Sherman Theatre or hanging out with Andie? hells yes! did i adore being queen for a few days at Joannes house? omg yes. or them driving all the way out here just to have dinner with me? or come to my house? loved it. or how bout being amazon sat by kris? fabulous. and meeting danny gokey and hanson? duh. that's a no brainer! but then... I started to get better, and I guess getting better meant I no longer needed anyone. (ps. thats wrong. because i did need you) and then i got sicker, and a few faces popped back up. that was nice, until they disappeared again. i dont like dumping my problems or my feelings on people, because i feel like a burden. and then i feel like people are only listening because they feel bad for me, or feel guilty. but shouldnt friends just be there no matter what? am i that awful for wanting that? i didn't think i was...

i spent alot of today in tears. because im sick of being sick. im sick of feeling bad about being frustrated with being sick. im sick of people taking others for granted, or for taking advantage of others who have kind hearts. im sick of feeling guilty for being sick. im sick of wanting to go back to my old life because then people were there... but shouldnt it be in sickness and in health? idk... maybe that's just me... im sick of being allergic to everything! it suuuuuuuucks. got on an antibiotic yesterday that doesnt interact with the keto and i wasnt allergic to before...well... guess who got a rash, had trouble breathing? ME! oh happy day. i want answers. i want others to be healed. i want people to be nicer. i DO want to live in a world where LOVE CONQUERS ALL. where love is loud enough to drown out the sounds of hate. I WANT IT ALL! i dont care. i do.

i want to stop feeling like im going to explode. i want the anger to subside. the sadness to go away. the happiness to be constant. i want to get off of this emotional rollercoaster. i dont want to need medication to help my mood because the cushings caused my horomones to be shot to hell. i want this weight to be gone. i want to see my friends smile more than they cry. i want my family to know how important they are to me and how much i love them. i want my brother and sister to be the most amazing people they can be- and hell, already are! my brother and sister are my walls of support. my mom and dad are too, but theyve always taken care of me. i dont like needing someone to take care of me. but... ive regressed and it's something im still getting used to. you'd think after a year id be ok with it... noooooooooope. i am closer to my aunt now too. she took me to most of my appointments before she went back to work. that was fun. i miss that.

i dont know. i dont even know where to go with this anymore. just that... i feel alone. completely... alone. and sad. sadness isn't an emotion i choose to deal with, ever. but it seems like today i have no choice but to attempt to deal with it. i guess i made a positive step, im blogging instead of buryin myself in my blankets and sleeping the day away...

if you love me, tell me. if you're thinking about me, tell me. if you want to hang out, tell me. if you have a problem, tell me. im sick, not dead. i never needed people to let me know they cared about me before, and maybe that's why im not really getting what i need now... but this is me. telling you that i need you. i dont want to need you. ive always been miss independent, miss i dont need anybody... but here i am. open to your rejection and hurt... and here i am. asking you... to be there for me. to make this street a two-way. to let you know that i miss you.

1 comment:

  1. I love you and I am right next to you in spirit. You have my number call me when you need someone. If I don't answer text or email, it means I have crap reception. It is normal and ok to let yourself feel ALL your emotions. You don't have to fake anything for anyone. <3