my bad..

i always thought frienship was supposed to be a two-way street... my bad.

it seems to me, more often than not, i walk this street alone. oh dont worry, i can bail and nicci will still be there. i can make promises and break them and nicci will still be there. i can trust that nicci will be there for me, even though ive continually failed her. i can go to nicci when i have a problem, and not listen to hers. nicci doesn't give up. nicci doesn't back down. nicci's the glue that holds everything together. nicci this. nicci that.

oh yeah? well nicci's about to hand you a big ole sandwich full of i dont give a shits. because honestly? why do i have to do everything? why do i need to be the one to make the phone calls? make the plans? and be the one to always follow through? sorry. it's bullshit. and i wanna stop. i really do.

im tired of feeding egos too. seriously. dont come to me just because you want to feel good about yourself. i think people tend to forget who I AM. i can build you up, sure. make you feel incredible about yourself and make you think that your shit dont stink... but did you also forget i can make you feel invisible? like you're nothing? hmmm... granted, i dont like the second half. id rather build you up and make you feel on top of the world. it's what i do best. i've always been the sunshine and the smiles and the positivity princess but... this girl's a warrior and i wear my armor with pride and there's NO WAY im letting anyone destroy what ive taken so long to build in myself. i refuse to be taken down, to be made to feel less than amazing. but for some reason... lately i am.

maybe it's because people are letting me down. so im shutting down. it's just so much easier to be trapped in myself, then to allow other people in. or to start to care. or even continuing to care. my problem is i care too much and i have a heart of gold and i just... well, let people hurt me. but, whatever. maybe i shouldnt be hurt and maybe im taking this all to heart but... im really sick of my 'friends' letting me down. like seriously. it's ridiculous. and annoying. and frustrating. but do i say anything? no. why? well... i never said anything BEFORE i got sick, so why start now? im sick of people blaming my feelings and emotions on my sickness. ive felt this way before, i just never said anything. my bad for thinking you'd be there for me now, as i had always been there for you.
my bad for thinking that you cared
my bad for thinking you wouldnt let me down
my bad for continuing to be there
my bad for continuing to care
my bad for allowing you to hurt me
my bad for allowing myself to be hurt.

dont worry. im just gonna disappear for a while. and then... well... we'll see if you  noticed. more than likely, you wont. and that's fine. i know who my real friends are.