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Thursday, November 3, 2011

and ill smile anyway

so... today was my trip to the neurosugeon to find out the results of my mri and if radiation was successful. the reason he couldn't remove the entire tumor during my TSS (transphenoidal sinus surgery) AKA my 2nd surgery, was because the tumor had clung to my carotid artery and if he had pulled it, i would have lost all facial movement and possibly have gone blind. so they did radiation in July to try and kill what was left. well, the tumor is still attached to my carotid artery. one part of the tumor is gone, and the one on the artery is smaller, but still there. so... ok. let's deal with this.

were back to playing the wait and see game. hopefully the new medication starts to work too, but that wont shrink it. the neuro said that radiation takes a while to see full results. so... i go back in 3 months after another mri. fingers crossed.

patience. that seems to be the key to beating this whole thing. and if u knew me at all, prior to this, you would know that patience is NOT one of my strong points. i am NOT good at being patient... at all. but, this whole cushings thing is a wait and see game. u wait for results. u wait to get better. u wait for ur tumor to shrink. u wait out the pain. wait. wait. wait. no more make things happen now, no no. it's all in God's time... and I guess I'm still struggling with that. But whatever. I guess each day it gets a little easier... I say that but other days I feel like it gets harder. and that it's never going to get better. i know it will, and that i am but.... holy canoli. im so ready for this to be over. to be healthy. to go hiking. to be skinny. to go a day without pain killers. to laugh and laugh and laugh. to dance the night away. to work. one day... one day...

so, ok. i like to post my little accomplishments, or positive things that happen with my recovery on facebook. im sure people are probably sick of it, but i really dont care. i post stuff because i need to feel that someone cares. that someone who doesn't HAVE to care, cares. maybe that's vain or insecure, but its how i feel. my family HAS to care about me, they're family... but when i get comments from my friends or people i havent talked to in a few years, and they say to keep going, or that they're praying for me, or that im an inspiration, it makes me feel good. so, call it whatever u want but, i need that right now. some think its lame, but i say eff em.

and let's talk about dr selection shall we? i totally have an awesome team now. if i dont like what one of them says, or if ive done research, i let them know. and? they LISTEN. it's nice to have a team listen to me, and a team that works well together. and supports me.

im sure there was more i wanted to say. but im exhausted. and im still not sleeping. and i feel so blah. and my legs are throbbing. and i just want to fall asleep. but if i do that now? well... ill be up allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll night. again.

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