Follow by Email

Sunday, November 6, 2011

strong enough to break perhaps?

that's what it feels like. and im only blogging today because i hate crying. i really do. these tears are coming out of nowhere and it's like... i dont want to let one fall because if one falls... what if i can't stop? i hate being sad. i hate feeling sad. i feel so alone. so lost. and i try so hard to be strong for everyone, but moreso for myself. i need to hold myself together. i can't let myself fall apart. it's my job to keep positive and try to convince everyone that im ok. and that i will be ok. and that i am on the road to recovery, even though some days i have lots of doubts. and i mean LOTS. there are days i wanna say WHEN WILL I BE BETTER?! but this is all a waiting game, right? a test of patience perhaps? of character? of willpower? i have no idea anymore. and a part of me doesn't want to know. a part of me just wants to say I AM FUCKING DONE.  im so over this whole being sick thing.

and this new medication makes me not able to take my anti-depressants/anxiety meds. the plan was do wean off, but silly me forgot to put them in my pill box so i went cold turkey. so, im going through withdrawal, my horomones are all out of whack, im getting pissed off at people and i just want to scream at some of them.

like the girl who could be making something of herself but is just wasting her life. i get it, we all have our own storys/journeys but my God. were you not raised better than that? im absolutely disgusted. seriously. im to the point where if i see u i may just take your face and smash it into mashed potatoes! smh. and maybe i shouldn't care, but i do. but whatever. ill let it go. because you disgust me. and it's depressing because you have all this opportunity and you just throw it all away on some awful people. but whatever. you made your bed. just watch out for the fleas.

and im sick of people feeling sorry for me. im sick of the look. that pitiful look. yeah, i get it. im sick. but stop feeling sorry for me. and stop pitying me. hell, u wanna keep feeling sorry for me? then spend fucking time with me. or how bout u pick up the phone? im sick of being the one to hold friendships together. and im DONE.

but whatever, we had nice family time today. playing at the park with my friend who's an awesome photographer. she wanted to do an inspirational shoot/story board. im looking forward to seeing how it turns out.
even though ill probably hate the pictures of myself because i hate looking at myself. so that'll be great.

and im sick of being the 'convenience' friend. im there no matter what. do the fucking same. or? stop coming to me only when u need something. because im gonna stop being there for people. why should i try when u wont do the same? OVER IT
oh well. another day another... ride on this rollercoaster...

and here ive been spending time trying to convince other sickies that we're blessed and should look for the blessings in everything and blah blah blah. i guess i feel like... if i convince others that they're ok, and i keep telling other people that im ok, eventually ill believe it. or ill wake up one morning and this will all have been a terrible nightmare. im doing the best i can, but at times i feel like my best isnt good enough because im struggling and i hate to struggle. i like to be the strong one. the one who holds everything together. the one who holds EVERYONE together. the strong one. the secure one. the reliable one. the friendly one. the positive one. the strong one.the happy one. but those are some hard roles to maintain...

No comments:

Post a Comment