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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

nails in my coffin


another one bites the dust...

too soon? not soon enough?

seriously. i'm glad i'm as strong as i am, otherwise... i'd have been dead a long time ago. and it wouldn't have been from the doctor's mistake. it wouldn't have been from the disease i'm fighting. it'd be your fault.

oh yeah. definitely YOUR FAULT. and that's what i'd put in my suicide note. i would. i would single you out by NAME. you think i wouldn't want you to feel what you made me feel? how LOW you made me feel? ha. i'd have the envelopes fucking signed, sealed and delivered baby. maybe with some pictures, so you could remember how good i was to you. how i was always there when YOU needed me. how i'd bend over motherfucking backward for you. how it was always, nicci i need this. nicci, can you do that? nicci blahfuckingblah. but then it's, niccis sick. so niccis life sucks. nicci has no boyfriend so lets ignore her. nicci has no money so let's drop her like a bad habit. niccis headaches aren't real. niccis faking. nicci can't handle life anymore. nicci just sits around and thinks about how everyones moving on without her. nicci isn't worth our time. blah freaking blah.

newsflash... i'm pretty freaking amazing and YOU are the ones missing out. and... my life DOESN'T suck. and i DON'T sit around thinking about how everyone's moving on without me. because honestly, i'm enjoying my time with the one's who are a part of my life. the one's who aren't, well, sucks to be them. i'm single, and that's aok with me! i don't NEED to have a boyfriend to have a good time. and the 'friends' who got married and dropped me bc i can't hang bc they're married with children, you can fuck off. bc guess what? i have friends who are married with children, and we spend oodles of time together. that doesn't change friendships. so apparently, you missed that memo. and apparently, i never really meant that much to you to begin with. and that's fine. and i should have known that to begin with because i had to be the one to check in with you. and that's cool. i know where i stand.

there were the friends who are im here for you, im not going anywhere. yatta yatta yatta. and as soon as they're in a new relationship, it's like i'm invisible. but, it was like that before i got sick, so i guess i should have expected that. so, i decided to say, screw it. i don't make time for them either. do i have time? sure. am i going to try? nope. why should i bother? it's not worth it to me. not worth it at all. i was here before he was. and apparently he's more important than i was. it doesn't matter that i'd run for you, hold your hand. i don't have a penis, so i don't mean anything. and that's fine. so... i'm done trying.

and then there's the one who i'm around when it's convenient. and this convenience store is closed. forget it. i'm not walking that street by myself anymore. i could very well be hurting myself by putting that to the test, but im going to. and if things work out the way i forsee it working out, then i know what i have to do. it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but it's what needs to happen. and sometimes, cords need to be cut. i need to take care of ME.

there were the coworkers of mine who didn't believe me. thought i was faking my headaches and my sickness. so i could call out. right. is this real enough for ya? and then tellin me i was crazy. right. oh, and then that i was depressed. well no shit, sherlock. why don't you fucking look up cushings disease. do some fucking research. how bout that? how bout you have your head hacked into. let them take your pituitary gland, you do know what that does, right? controls your hormones? and then they can't put you on a replacement because of your blood disorder. please, tell me how easily that is going to be to deal with right away. right. you're all on meds anyway because YOU can't deal with life... please. again, inform me how much i suck at life. please... want me to give you the hammer? oh wait. you already tried to nail my coffin... but notice how im not in there...

there are family members who go on and on and ON about how wonderful i am and how im always there for them but... where are you when i need you? you can talk a good game but... you're never around for me. and that's fine. go on, talk about how shittastic my life is, but i got news for you... it's not shittastic. it's amazing. just because i'm sick, doesn't mean i don't shine. and that i'm not destined for greatness, because i am. just watch. i'm a phoenix baby.

and then there were the doucheydoos i dated. but notice how they didn't even last. and they all tried to come back once they heard i was doing well... and notice... they're not here. wait, who was strong? who said not? oh right ME. that's right. i have something called self-respect. i'm not going to be with someone just to be with someone. even new guys. i have standards. i have self-respect. so i say NO. i'm not going to just spread my legs to anyone either. im not a slut. sorry. not gonna nail that either. haha. pun intended.

and then there are the rest of you. oh im here for you. fuck yourself. you are not.

and then there's the, oh im so sad. my friend has a brain tumor. no you're not. and if you're not a complete waste of life, you'd know that i don't anymore. fucking dumbass.

so do me a favor, if you're not in my circle, stay out of my life. i'm enjoying the fact that you're gone. you've done me a favor walking away from me. i hold no grudges, no hatred, no nothing. yeah, this sounds like an angry blog, but it's not. i just tell it like it is. when have i ever sugarcoated shit? ok, so before cushings, maybe i sugarcoated before. but now? fuck it. and fuck you :)

so many of you would have suicide letters. and that's pretty sad. especially when we all had, or so i thought... had meant so much to one another. it seems like the word 'friends' and 'forever' doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. which kind of brings a tear to my eye. but, i do like the circle i can count on. because they're amazing. and im glad there's no funeral for them to attend. i really am.

the reason for this blog? one of the guys in my brain tumor group killed himself. he couldn't take it anymore. his family and friends had made his life a living hell, not like what he was dealing with didn't hurt enough, nono, they really gave it to him and made his life harder to deal with. so seriously, before you say something to me, or about me... or about someone with a disability... think about how your words are affecting them. you could be ending someones life.

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