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Thursday, January 12, 2012

call me crazy.. but i honestly dont care anymore

so... ive moved into my sisters bedroom, upstairs. it's safer. i dont need to go up and down the steps, it's closer to the bathroom, my meds, my parents... if i need help... im safer.

so ive been decorated. and moving things and i quite like the way things have turned out. maybe i should go into interior decorating? i still like the makeup artist idea though. in time...

but anyway... as im decorating, im looking at this mirror i have, and it says "see somethin you like?" i bought it because i thought it would help me feel better, because there are days i look at myself and hate myself. my look. my scars. my anxiety. my emotions... so this is what i chose to do:
i have a picture of myself, from a vacation down the shore. and that vacation there were no tears, no sadness, no fears... nothing but smiles and fun. so what did i do? i took that picture and i put it next to my mirror. when i look at myself, i wanna see THAT girl. i wanna remember THAT girl. the girl who had no fears, nothing but smiles to go around

i loved that day. me chell n g spent the day at the bay. taking pictures. laughing... just being carefree and loving life. g turned it into a complete photoshoot. and thats the vacation where i became cupcake and he became crabcake. it was wonderful. and that's who i wanna remember. that's the girl i wanna be. so im going to be her, even though it's going to be really hard somedays, i can't let this disease beat me. i can't keep being afraid.

and then i did this too...

ive come along way, and my journey hasnt been easy, so the days that i cant remember the good, that all i can see is bad and sad and angry, before i walk out my bedroom door i see these lyrics, followed by these pictures:

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found

Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway

some people may look at me like im full of myself, or crazy for doing what im doing. i say im remembering. im being brave. im being courage. im going to see that i can conquer fears. that's why im holding the snake. i broke out into hives when i saw it... then said eff it. and i held the damn thing. then i had my skull hacked into. then i had radiation. then i was a cat. whatever, its a cute picture. AND I LOOK HEALTHY. this is my way of reminding myself of how far ive come, and that i can keep going and that no matter what, i can dig deep inside and find courage and strength and a smile. because i can do it. i am doing it. im surviving. and i will continue to do so, with a damn smile on my face, no matter how much i dont want to. regardless of who's pissing me off or how angry im getting or whatever... i shall smile. and i will overcome. and i will fake it if i have to. but im gonna do it.

2012 is going to be a good year. i can feel it.

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