This is me, and the life I've been living. In July of 2010 I was diagnosed with: a brain tumor, a blood clotting disorder, and Cushings Disease. Since then, I've had 3 brain surgeries that left me blind in my right eye,a BLA, I've almost died 4 times, I'm out of work, I've had my heart broken and saw who my real friends are. this is my journey. One I refuse to give up on, no matter how bad it gets... and trust me... it gets bad.
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Sunday, November 25, 2012
did you hear?
congrats! let me see the ring!
he's her prince charming!
they broke up?! are you ok?
what an asshole
and in between, while things were good and there was wedding planning, the amount of people who wanted to be around me was ridiculously insane! everyone wanted to have a part in the planning, in knowing what was going on. everyone had something to say. people i hadn't talked to in ages were commenting... the sick girl fell in love... her prince had come... blah blah blah.
i fell for it, too. i didn't love him. i wanted to love him, but i didn't. and the sex was terrible. and he's gay. so ya know, that's kind of a deal breaker.
but anyway... i fell for the people who wanted to be around. apparently a $5000.00 ring meant i was a big deal. that meant that people wanted to spend time with me. but, people should've wanted to spend time with me beforehand because i'm hella awesome! i just didn't realize that.
and then there was the break-up. and, i being the wonderful person i am, refused to blow his shit up. i still don't. people still don't know all of what happened. unless you're really close to me, you'll never know the full story because it's none of your business. yes, he's gay, but that came out after the break-up. there was... nevermind. anyway, it never would have worked. i didn't love him, he didn't love me. he was abusive, etc.
but, the people wanting to know, and asking me questions... wowza! and where are said people now? what happened? was i only important because i was engaged? because there was drama? i do believe that was the case.
because they're ghosts now.
i hate facebook. i really do. i don't post my personal business like i used to on purpose. there's way too much drama. if i feel the need to get shit out, i'll rant. or i'll blog and post the link. there's a not so friendly/uplifting at the end post up now but... i'm just sick of all the negativity i see.
people can make changes in their lives and they don't. they'd rather play the victim or sit and cry about it. get the fuck over it. you can make changes in your life and you don't. well, too damn bad. we're responsible for what happens to us, most of the time. is it my fault i went blind? no. but i choose what comes next. i can sit and bitch and moan and whine and cry about it, or i can adapt and change and make positive steps to make things better and that's what i do. do i get annoyed when i trip and stumble and fall? of course. but, this is my life now, and this is what i have to do. i hate when people don't just DO things. stop whining, start doing. don't be lazy.
lazy. ugh. too often that word gets abused. or misused for us sickies. but then i see people take advantage of the system that we sickies NEED and then we sickies get screwed. like me. i'm losing my health insurance in december because my ssi is gone and my medicaid stopped. medicare doesn't kick in til january and the adult basic program got cut. so because i didn't get knocked up or have a drug addiction, i'm screwed. i can't get sick the month of december, or have a flare up or anything. i'll be walking around in bubble wrap. woohoo.
i still don't understand why people take their lives for granted. you don't know how good you have it. you woke up didn't you? your heart is beating. yeah, you might be going through a rough time right now, but it's going to get better. and if there is something that YOU can do to make it better, and i'm sure there is, DO IT. even if it's eating a piece of chocolate, or smiling at a stranger, or letting someone get in front of you in line, DO IT. you'd be amazed at what a little bit of kindness can do for your soul...
and another thing. APPRECIATE SOMEONE!!! i said it. i'd like to know i'm appreciated, i really would. i'd like someone to say to me, nicci, i appreciate you. i really do. thank you for being you. it'd be nice to hear. i hear it from danielle, ivory, amanda, my wifey, mama lee... but it would be nice to hear it from someone that i don't hear it every day from. because, i appreciate YOU and i try and let people know how important they are to me, all the time. i don't want my friends and family, the people i care about, to think that they don't matter, because you do. you're important to me and i adore you. i wouldn't tell you that i cared if i didn't. i wouldn't involve myself in your life if i didn't care. i wouldn't argue with you or try to hold onto these relationships if they didn't matter, would i? i'd just let them die off, which is what i've been doing with others...
and now... peeing in jugs. yup. it's that time of year again. i've had to stop my cushings med, which you'd know if you'd been keeping up with my bloggity blog. since i'm losing my insurance i have to do it a month early. i turn in the jugs tomorrow and we see what my levels are and what kind of success radiation has been. that's just a little stressful.
and then there's foot surgery on tuesday, which my darling danielle is taking me to.
and the insurance stress
and the people stress
and the insomnia
and the cortisol highs and lows
and the dizzy spells
and the cushings sucking ass
and the holiday
and we saw TSO tonight, what an awesome show.
and the people garbage.
so yeah. cushings has been kicking my ass. so i'm anxious to see what the peejug is going to reveal. oh, right. what am i talking about? i pee in a jug for 24 hours and that monitors my cortisol levels. my dr will look at the results and see if they're high or low. i've been off the cushings med for almost a month and we'll see what kind of change, if any, there has been. so then we'll see if i need to be put back on it.
and yes. i am really blind in my right eye. no my brain surgeries were not a joke. i am not kidding when i say i can't see. i really can't. it's not funny. don't joke about it. making cracks on a person with a disability is NEVER funny. how old are we? 5?
that's another things. kids need to learn respect. oh my. i need to stop or this will just keep going. i better sleep tonight!!!