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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

laugh at yourself

how many of you take that perfect picture? or delete them off your camera/ cell phone if it's not right? you won't post it or let someone tag you if you don't like the way you look.

nope. my eyes are closed.
nope. i look fat
ew. what was i thinking
look at my face
i look gross

who are you trying to impress? who am I trying to impress? who are ANY OF US trying to impress? if we're trying to impress someone other than ourselves, then EHH WRONG ANSWER!

i do it. my god, do i do it. take my phone or my camera away from me, look at it. see how many pictures i have of myself. seriously, go look. and then see how many actually make it to my facebook.  i'm probably one of the most vain people i know.

or i was.

getting sick really turned things around for me. i gained 100lbs in 3 months. THREE FREAKING MONTHS! let's talk about that for self-esteem. so insert lots of drinking and meaningless sex to boost my self-esteem. no, i wasn't slutty. i only had sex with the douchey boyfriend i had. it was good sex, but it meant nothing.

i am looking forward to falling in love and having it mean something again. but that means i have to be comfortable with myself again. with my body. with these scars.

no, he never made me feel bad about myself. in fact, he liked thick girls, so i had that going for me. even though he cheated on me with a twig. but... idk. that's neither here nor there. i always felt pretty. for the most part.

but then the cushing's really kicked into high gear after the first surgery and i BALLOONED. and was camera shy. like, i hid. and ran and ew. ew ew ew ew ew. how i even HAD boyfriends, i couldn't tell you. they were dumbasses. and i don't know why i dated them. oh yeah. someone had to love a sick girl, right? the sex? ha. yeah. bad. omg. sooo sooo bad. but, i was getting it. and... he wasn't judging me so... it was ok, right? and i was finally comfortable enough with how gross i looked to take my clothes off for someone that it was ok. i think that's why i was having sex with him. aside from the whole "in love" thing, which we weren't. at all. at least i wasn't. i tried to be. i tried really hard. but it was a sham. i think it was a sham on his end, too. especially because, well, he's gay. but anyway.

i'm doing ok now. healthwise. i look amazing. i do. and my cortisol levels are normal. and i'm off my meds. SO LET'S TAKE PICTURES!

let's not care. let's tag ourselves. let's get over this crap of impressing people. if you have an issue with what i look like, jump off a cliff. i like myself. hell, i was hott when i was blimpy mcblimperson!! i'm beautiful INSIDE. and that's what i forgot. when you're beautiful inside, it shows outside. i'm blessed that i had people constantly reminding me of that, even though i chose to ignore them, i'm thankful that they never gave up on me.

so here's to pictures! so start snappin and start postin and start impressin YOU!!

this is what my brother thinks about my wackiness. but i wouldn't have it any other way :)

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY FRIEND! now get out that cell phone, make some silly faces and laugh at yourself! <3 it's a good time, trust me! i've been giggling like crazy!


  1. You are silly and wonderful and gorgeous. :D

    Thanks for sharing this. It's easy to get hung up on pictures and it's pointless. I hid for a long time from pictures too and I regret it.

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  3. HAAAAA! U are quite possibly my twin! Although, U would be the more passionate twin & I would be the more passive twin. Or maybe, it would depend on the days that Cushings would allow me to have my energy back. I don't know how I found u, but I just love U! & nope, i'm still not ready for pics yet. for several years cameras have been my kryptonite & i tell everyone "no pictures of fat brandi's so, KUDO's to you!!!